21 August 2014

Don't Help the Neighbors

My mom has new neighbors and they are only there during the summer.  They asked my mom to sign for a package, a replacement part for their couch, and my mom agreed.  This seems a little forward to me as they're new neighbors but my parents have always been over-involved in the neighbors since they've retired.

Well, my mom didn't catch the mailman so there was a slip left to sign for the package.  I tried to walk through what the slip said to attempt to determine if they're going to redeliver or what. This is after trying to figure out if it was USPS, FedEx, or UPS.  Or the stork.

This was such an exercise in frustration.  This is where I say that she's almost eighty and living on her own. And also where I'm going to hell for the gestures and eye-rolls that I made during this conversation.

It's a repair part for a couch they were having issues with and we're assuming it's a warranty thing. They are living in Yemen over the winter so this seems it was a time sensitive thing and why they asked her to sign for it.  My mom is unsure when they are returning so we don't know if they're gone until next summer or what.  So, we also don't know what the timing is for this to be resolved.

To up the difficulty level: my mom doesn't know their last name nor have a telephone number for them.  I KNOW.  But this tells me that someone must be returning  sooner rather than later.

I suggested to just sign the thing, leave it in the mailbox, and see what happens.  This is where my mom broke out the martyr hat that I get to "enjoy" every once in a while.  "SURELY, this is a LEGAL DOCUMENT" she says.  (imagine me with an imaginary gun in my mouth at this moment)

I suggested that she could go to the post office and explain what happened.  She then worried that she would get accused for mail fraud/theft.  (again: imaginary gun to my head)  I reassured her that it seemed unlikely.

We decided to just wait and see what happens.  They really didn't leave her any choice or enough information to do this favor.  She was worried that she will have failed their request; when in fact they failed her.

This just confirms the "no good deed shall go unpunished" theory.

19 August 2014

The List

I try not to go into town more than once a week now that I'm unemployed.  It's to save money and to keep me from mischief.  So today I had a pretty good list of To-Do's plus two job interviews.  Don't get excited. One went well, the other not and I'm not one to get excited because I hate disappointment.

The errands were wide-ranging and took me all over town. I didn't go to the dollar store because it was too hot outside and I was over it.  Also see: mischief.

Taking a sandal to get repaired.  The first place wasn't open even though it was past ten so, well done shop-owner.  The second place was out of the way but they are repairing it for $7 so it's all good there. This is where I mention the sandal has been broken for three years.  Also, summer is nearly over and I can only wear them a little bit, if at all but they are my favorite.  This is the kind of fools errand that I too often find myself doing. And: $7.

I had to drop off a package at the UPS store.  I love being overly polite and kind to cashiers, it throws them off in a good way.  I'm guessing because people are often thoughtless, if not downright rude so it must be surprising. Hopefully in a good way.  I also love the amazon returns process is so easy.

We have Lucy on a specific dog food that is available at a small pet store downtown.  I kind of love going there because downtown is never boring.  It's a mix of big city with a dash of crazy kitsch. And parking meters.

I *had* to return to the bookstore to get the book that I thought I already had.  I might have bought another book as well.  I didn't want it to get lonely on the ride home.

I dropped a bunch of stuff off at Goodwill. Now I have time for stuff like that. It was stuff that kept getting thrown to the back of the coat closet that I meant to take while I was working. I also had stuff from culling the clutter from the living room.  Now that I've done this, I have to keep the ball rolling with this whole decluttering and taking it to the Goodwill thing.

I had to get my glasses readjusted again.  I'm really tough on glasses.  Along that same theme, I've already bumped them and undid the adjustment. 

Finally, I had to stop for groceries.  I had to pick up stuff that I forgot on the speed shopping that I did last week because Kevin was waiting for me.  I don't like going to this store so this wasn't so much a treat.

In celebration of two job interviews and nearly completing my list I stopped for an iced mocha.  When I pulled up to the window, my radio was kind of loud.  While I was turning it down, the guy came to the window to take my order.  I apologized and said that I had to turn down Howard Stern, not safe for public listening.  To my pleasant surprise, the guy smiled and exclaimed "Bababoey!"
Which means nothing to non-Howard listeners but is everything to listeners.  It made my whole day.

The only task left is the dollar store, which is one of those errands that cause trouble so I skipped it. (the paper is a gift from a client, it is made from paper grocery bag.)

18 August 2014

The Problem of Being Jobless

There are a few problems with being unemployed, other than the stress of not having a job or a reduced/no income.  Things I wouldn't have thought about before.

I have to remember that an interview or application is not a job offer and to calm the hell down.  I don't get excited, I get anxious. This is new, and I don't know why.

Part time work is difficult to find, which is what I need so...

I forget to eat.  I know, you can call me names and/or flip me off. It's okay, I understand.

Without a schedule, I often find myself at odds.  I try to keep a schedule but the problem being is there isn't enough stuff to fill a day.  Shower, chores, watch television, play with the dog, read, sit outside, cook.  I know, I know, I know: STFU already, you're saying. 

I have to remember that there is a slim chance that I'll be called back to my job and then it's Sophie's Choice.  (the people who now run it are not people I want to work for. However, it's a good job) But I'm not holding my breath for that.  I just know that my luck, I will go back to work and they will call.  Or I'll feel anxious and return to work even though I might not want to.

I've reached the remodeling/organizing/cleaning portion of having time off.  Yesterday I decided the living room was too cluttered and now it's pretty spartan. Sidenote: I have to go to Goodwill now.

Another challenge is that I need to get my ankle looked at as there is a screw that is protruding.  It's always been that way but it bothers me that it literally snags on things and hurts if I sit on the ground.  I like to sit cross-legged so this sucks. 

The problem here is that it might require surgery again so yuck.  The original prognosis is that if something like this happened, it's two weeks off my feet again.  This is okay except if my dream job becomes available in that time period. On the other hand, what better timing?

Greys Anatomy is addicting.  Enough said.

Okay, I'm done whining now.  These definitely qualify as #firstworldproblems

16 August 2014

Not in the House!

Lucy is a hunter, she is a hound/beagle mix.  She has caught moles, snakes, shrews, mice, bugs, and probably many more things that we're simply not aware of. 

Now that I'm home, she isn't on a cable run during the day.  We've negotiated keeping the front door open so that she can come and go.  She's only two years old so I can't just ignore her or she'll be in Texas before I even know what's happening. With that, she is getting better at staying in the yard and I'm getting better at not freaking out if I don't see her in the yard.

I was working in the office on the laptop.  It had been a few minutes so I went to look outside for her.  When I walked into the living room, I was pleasantly surprised to see her playing wit her toys.  But she looked guilty.

Walking around the couch, I was telling her "Good girl staying around the house".  She came toward me and well, the toy she was playing with MOVED.

We usually buy her the brightly colored, non-realistic appearing toys.  The realistic ones just make me uncomfortable.  That being said, I did buy her one that looks like a mole and another that looks like a hamster/guinea pig hybrid.

So, of course I thought it was one of those toys and an optical illusion.  IT SO WASN'T.

Lucy had caught a mole and brought it in to play with and share with me.

I KNOW RIGHT!?!?!?!?!

My first instinct was to command Lucy to "bring it here."  I started to say it and Lucy started to respond and I admit: I panicked a little.  "No, Lucy, leave it!"  Now she looked like she was in trouble.  And policy is that she gets a treat when she catches a mole so mixed messages much?

I took my phone and Lucy outside and went to retrieve a shovel.  I called Kevin and when he answered I said "We have to move. Now."

He didn't even get a full sentence out when I probably shouted "SHE CAUGHT A MOLE AND BROUGHT IT IN THE HOUSE."

"Is it alive?" he asks, not just a little bit laughing.

"It effing MOVED."

"Get it out of there"

"What in the name of all things holy do you think I'm doing right now?"  (Because, really?)

I hung up with him and took the shovel into the house. I tried to leave Lucy outside but she wanted to play with her new toy and I couldn't close the door and get the mole out easily. 

I went to go get it but thought "I'm taking a picture, just in case."  I quickly took two and then girded my loins for mole removal.

I slide the shovel underneath the mole and it wiggles.  It's on its back because after being the Best Toy Ever, that's all that it can do. THANK GOD. Wiggling is unacceptable.

I freaked out a little then tried again.  It finally kind of rolled onto the shovel and I hurried outside and flung it out into the void that is our lower property.

Lucy was most displeased.  So was I, just for very different reasons.

I went inside and gave her the treat for being a good girl.  Then I texted the picture to Kevin.  One minute later I got a call "You DID NOT just send me a picture!!!"  I laughed and told him that if I had to get a mole out of the house, the least he could do is look at a picture of it.

I'm still completely SQUICKED out so we will never talk about this again.  But it was too good of a story not to tell.

14 August 2014


I went into town for boring errands and decided I would take time to wander through the bookstore.  This is something that I love but never seem to have the time to do, except for birthdays or Christmas or while in Vegas. (because that's what you do in Vegas, duh)

The biggest problem with spending leisure time in a book store is not emptying my bank account while browsing.  I usually set my limit at 2 books or about $20, whichever works out first.  The second biggest problem I have is remembering if I already have the book or not. 

For example, I wandered through the first part of the store with a book that I was uncertain whether or not I already had it.  I finally decided to leave it and suffer if I came home to discover that I didn't have it.  It would be worse if I went home and did have it.  Although, either way would result in a return to the bookstore.  It turns out that the book was on sale (shoulda risked it) and I didn't have it. Guess I have to go back. Sigh. 

I browsed all the sale tables and all the fiction aisles. I usually stick to the authors I know and am sadly a "Judge a book by it's cover" person but I'm trying to broaden my range. 

So, I spent the majority of time reading the covers and regretfully returning them to the shelves.  I think Swistle mentioned this not too long ago and now I'm aware of it as well.  Why must every plot include "Her life was going perfectly UNTIL".  I realize that this is usually the plot of chick-lit but that doesn't mean I don't get tired of it.  Can't people just have other issues and stay in their relationship? Does no one have brothers in the literary world or do they all have sisters? Can't we enjoy a relationship after they've found one another?

One of the other things that I've noticed is that most chick-lit and fiction is set on the seashore.  I think I've mentioned this before: do people not fall in love or have issues in Kansas?
I mean, I get it, the ocean is a dramatic background.  But so can other settings like rolling hills, mountains, farmlands, or lake shores; they can provide drama and beauty as well.  I didn't mention the desert because that, indeed, doesn't provide any sort of fantasy or drama for me.  I do enjoy Nevada but it's not somewhere I would willingly choose to live or use as a background in a novel.

(Mine is set in the lovely Pacific Northwest, of course.  Not on the coast but in the foothills)

I did wander down one of the romance novel aisles.  They are horrifying and I felt a little embarrassed to be spotted browsing there. There are, of course, exceptions but most of them indeed are the aptly named "bodice rippers".  I am one the folks that don't read heavy or true fiction because I just can't have that drama/dark in my head now.  So, I get it the escape part. I don't understand the fantasy, sexy-time stuff though.  It's just not my thing.

To booksellers dismay, I did find myself thinking "I can get that cheaper on the amazon."  But it's a sad fact for local booksellers.  What they do have going for them is immediate gratification.  There were three books that were new releases that I didn't know about and I bought one. (such restraint!) 

I do like being able to read the first two paragraphs of a book to make sure it is indeed something that I will be interested in and enjoy reading.  There are few things more disappointing than buying a book online then not being interested in it once it arrives.

Choosing new-to-me authors is usually done two ways: friends recommendations (Swistle! BFF C!) is the go-to way usually.  The other is a little more involved: if I read about a book on multiple sites/magazines like NY Times/People/local bookstore newsletter and it keeps snagging my attention then I'll usually risk it. This was the case when I started reading Karen White.

So, hmmm, what was my point in this post?  I guess nothing, really, beyond "I went to the bookstore today!!" which is always a cause for celebration.

13 August 2014

Cannot Solve for X

Stupid math.  Or, rather, stupid brain that doesn't accept/understand/retain math information.

The one thing that is keeping me, twice now, from getting a para-educator certificate is MATH.

To quote Charlie Brown: "AAAAARRRRGGGHHH"

On a practice test, I missed the requirement level by ONE POINT.  I reviewed the questions that I missed and one of the math questions was incorrect because of doggone dyslexia.  I answered 3/2 instead of 2/3.

I do okay with basic math concepts and geometry but BOOOOO on doggone algebra.  When I was in high school I muddled through Algebra with probably a C- or D grade.  Three math classes were required to graduate so I had to take Trigonometry.  I failed, woo boy, did I fail.  I actually bribed my way into getting a D- instead. The conversation went something like this:
"You know I'd have to take this class with you again, right? Until I pass." I said. 
"You'll pass. By one point, you'll pass" he said.  Then he said "You need to promise to never take another algebra class ever again.  You're not wired for it." 
"Oh, DEAL. Never again."

I can write you anything from a thank you note to a reference letter to a novel.  But don't ask me to do algebra, like, ever. 

I can read the instructions and concepts. There are cheat sheets online that I've reviewed.  I can understand those but the moment that letters and numbers begin intermingling: I'm out.  The minute that I have to figure out what goes where, there's a fifty percent (ha! math concept!) chance that I'll misread it. So. Frustrating.

Especially frustrating as I want the para-educator certificate for the younger grades with no intention of needing to use higher concept math skills.  But, the test requires it so *shrug*.

So, if you need me, I will be studying Math for Dummies and hoping that guessing through the algebra portion of the test will be good enough. 

12 August 2014

Broken Parents

One of the things that I've realized is that friends often bond or are attracted by similar interests or circumstances. Not just "Oh, I like that book too" but socio-economic standards, religious beliefs, sports even.

Now that I'm an adult (sigh) and have lived a bit of life and have gained some perspective, I've noticed a common thread in the core group of friends when we were in high school.

Broken parents.

I, as we well know, was raised by alcoholics.
Another friend was, as well.
One friend was raised by a single parent, with little/no knowledge who their father was.
One friend was essentially raised by a single parent as one was often absent.
One friend was raised by two parents, one of whom was a Holocaust survivor and battled deep anxiety and depression.
One, I just learned, lost a parent to suicide. (effing depression)

This seems was our common thread: broken parents.  Single parenting wasn't common when I was young.  Also, one didn't talk about substance abuse or mental illness then.  We didn't talk much about it then yet still found each other and bonded. We recognized the broken-ness of one another.

I wonder what would have happened if we had known then what we know now.  We all turned out successfully in our own rights.  What would have become of us if we'd shared more about one another?  Maybe nothing, maybe we wouldn't have bonded more because teens are not always the most compassionate bunch, or maybe we would have been better.

It probably doesn't matter because we did form our own little group, with it's effed up little world, and now thanks to social media, most of us maintain regular contact.  Perhaps now that we're grown and (hahaha) mature, we are able to understand what the other had been through more than when we were fifteen. 

Maybe it matters more now than it did way back then.

Not Blessed

On the twitter and facebook, I often see the hashtag "#blessed" and it makes me stabby.  I have a family member that does it frequently and it invariably makes me want to throw things.

Before you think that I'm a complete ass, this is what I'm talking about: because it's bullsh*t stuff like "After being without a phone all weekend, I'm back online. #blessed" or "Spaghetti and bread for dinner. #blessed"

Umm, no.

"Blessed" is something that shouldn't be used for trivial things.  I tried  to think of instances where I actually use that word and there is only one example I could think of.  "We weren't blessed with kids" is usually my go-to response when people ask if I/we have kids.  It has just become one of the more gentle ways to answer a sometimes uncomfortable question.

I'm blessed with family and friends.  I'm blessed with reasonably good health.  I understand this use of the word, even though it's not something I usually state. Both of those things are actually in my control so I don't consider it being blessed.

I really don't understand the use of the word when it comes to what you had for dinner, that your favorite movie came on cable, or that you found a sweater on clearance.

Being the research nerd that I am, I looked it up:

BLESSED: adjective
1.  consecrated; sacred; holy; sanctified: the Blessed Sacrament.
2.  worthy of adoration, reverence, or worship: the Blessed Trinity.
3.  divinely or supremely favored; fortunate: to be blessed with a strong, healthy body; blessed with an ability to find friends.
4.  blissfully happy or contented.
5.  Roman Catholic Church , beatified
Doggone it, Number Four, you're not helping. Still, I remain steadfast in my rant.
It just feels like if we are going to be "#blessed" by something, it should be something significant: children or the recovery of good health after a bad diagnosis.  Something big and out of our control; not that there wasn't traffic on the way home or that the Bachelorette was proposed to. Like the Seahawks winning the Super Bowl. #blessed.

10 August 2014

My Job is (was) Making Me a Republican

I hate, hate, hate those posts that you see on the facebook about how welfare recipients are responsible for the downfall of society.  They're not.  They contribute sometimes but they are not the sole cause.   

I am usually a bleeding heart liberal.  Working in social services certainly and regularly makes me question my beliefs.  Because there is, sadly, sometimes a ring of truth to those posts.

Yes you're right, interwebs, that (in my humble opinion) persons on welfare should not have manicures, drive nicer cars than most of us, or be able to buy cigarettes/alcohol/energy drinks/etc.  The way I see it is that if you are receiving public assistance, you best be working your ass off to get off of it as soon as possible.

That being said, sometimes the people had those cars before their life took a downturn. It's not always in everyone's best interest to turn a car back in to avoid payments and sometimes that nice car is actually their home.  But we've all met the person with a Mercedes who constantly complains about drowning in debt.  There's this thing, it's called a Kia, or a Chevy, or any of the other cars that are less expensive.

Yes, a $20 manicure is a self-esteem boost.  Yes, a treat is good when you're feeling down.  However, that $20 can be saved to increase your overall circumstances instead of a fleeting increase in how you're feeling about life that particular day.

Sometimes people have cable television while living in free public housing.  This makes me grit my teeth in the same way as the $20 manicure.  That cost, while providing a momentary distraction from how awful your life is in that moment, can also be set aside to further your life. $20 can make a difference.  It can also eliminate distraction when a person should be focusing on improving their situation

Some of what social services are experiencing is two-fold.  The middle class becoming a low-income class and the transition is brutal.  People who are used to a certain standard of life can no longer afford it.  Another side is the values set forth in society right now that a person NEEDS that fancy cell phone, that manicure, or that television. 

But people land on welfare for a variety of reasons: divorce, job loss, illness.  Sometimes it is not because of bad personal choices but by circumstances out of their control.  The key is to get off of it as quickly as possible and that is where the system is broken.

One of the broken pieces is the mindset of "Oh, something terrible has happened so you will not be able to function for a long time, if ever again at all."   There needs to be strict guidelines in place and not the assumption that because you have a PTSD diagnosis, it means that your entire life stops. Or that the diagnosis is correct and valid.  Depression is not a reason to withdraw from society forever. I've witnessed a definite increase in these diagnosis and it's not necessarily a good thing.

There is a tenet in social services that everyone deserves a second chance. I agree, people do.
Often people are given third, fourth, fifth chances and this is where I disagree.  If you're on your fifth tour through social services then clearly the resources can be spent on someone who *is* ready to make needed changes in their lives to become more successful. 

Because, clearly, on the fifth try: you're not ready or, as sometimes happens, you're taking advantage. Yes, yes, I hear the retorts of "Well, on the fifth try might be The Time that it works.  Yes, that's true, it could but often it isn't.  I look at the greater good often.  In the fourth and fifth try, two other humans can be given second chances to be successful.

To work in social services you must be a bleeding heart liberal but sometimes your heart has to be black and closed.  Sometimes you have to make the hard choice regarding clients.  Sometimes that hard choice is what causes them to change, and sometimes not. 

And like the title of this post states: my job was making me question all my moral, ethics, and scruples.  (Gosh, I'm glad to be done there. I just keep realizing that)

Five Random Photos From My Phone

Foggy spring morning

Spring sunset

Rhodies in our garden

Sunset at the parents
Cozy, sleepy puppy

08 August 2014


I always pictured a drawstring purse when I imagined heartstrings.  Being an imaginative, not linear, thinker, that's just the picture my brain conjured: a bag to hold your feelings and memories. Now I think of it, the word seems more like a musical instrument; the heartstrings thrumming.  I looked up the actual meaning and it's much less poetic.  (they're an actual thing)

Why am I waxing so poetic, you ask?  Am I writing for the Hallmark company?  Nope, just thinking.

A few months ago I met two friends from high school in my hometown. It seems like I've made more trips there recently, with memorials, visits, and business.  It's only natural, I suppose, these things happen as you age.  I'm afraid that I've reached that stage in life: where I'm attending more memorials than weddings and birthdays.

It's not a town that really has a draw to it, unless you're from there and something calls you back.  It's just an old logging town with a Wild Western feel to it. It's a cute, old-fashioned, main street town that one passes through, not necessarily travels to.

Two of my high school friends who moved away after high school recently mentioned how nice of a town it is and how nice it was to return for a visit.  A few of my other friends treat it as if it's been filled with zombies and vow to not return unless required to do so. I was somewhere in the middle: I stayed behind a few years after high school then, once gone, rarely returned.

My dad and brothers went to school at the same high school I did. I went to school there for six years (including middle school, I'm not a repeater. haha)  and lived there almost two years afterward.  I had some really horrible experiences and some really great ones too.  I grew up there, both chronologically and emotionally.  Now that time has passed, the bad times have faded and the good times are creeping forward a little more readily. The town holds a lot of history.

I feel pulled toward the town now.  I think it's a combination of wanting roots and feeling comfortable in my own skin again.  I've always had these things but as I've gotten older and lost people, I think I might be seeking them out more than before. Having old friends move home again is probably responsible for this feeling as well.

It's not easy though, returning.  Old, bad memories have to be faced.  My old apartment is run-down now.  I can still drive to the house where someone lived who broke my heart when I was sixteen.  I'm not friends with one of my BFF's anymore.  Those ghosts wander around town a bit still.

Then I'm reminded of the good times.  Having parties at that apartment, skipping school to see that guy, cruising town when you've just gone to rent a video (so old!) or pick up groceries. One friend worked at auto parts store, another at a dentist office.  The apartment was a block away from where one of my friends grew up, other friends houses were just five minutes (at the most) away.  All of the parents still live in their houses, just the kids have moved away. 

I think if a person stays in their hometown, these things are faced earlier and just become  part of the scenery.  But for us folks that left town and rarely looked back, it can be like experiencing it all over again.

As if the universe wanted to prove my theory, our cousin stopped by for a visit last night.  She moved away years ago and rarely returns.  She spent yesterday visiting old memories and taking photos.  She mentioned, not knowing that I was working on this post, how emotionally strange it is to go back and visit old homes, schools, friends.    She was surprised at what memories were brought forward by this little trip down memory lane. It was in some ways comforting and others upsetting.

This really has no point other than going home again can be a strange experience.

And that heartstrings are quite literally that.

07 August 2014


(This is my humble opinion and a post I started a while ago)
I an mono-theistic, I believe in one God.  I believe in faith.  I don’t believe in religion.  I believe it is a very personal thing.
Kevin is agnostic, he is just not sure what he believes in. He does believe in some form of higher power, he is just not sure how the whole thing works.
One of his issues is the whole “You have one chance to hear and accept the truth. Do not accept false gods.”  I think that maybe he overthinks it, he thinks so globally.  “Christians think they have the Right Way so does that mean the Catholics are wrong? The Jewish? Someone has to be wrong.”
I think that if a person believes in one thing, be it God, Allah, Jesus, Buddha, or the great Spaghetti monster in the sky, lives as good of a life as they possibly can by either following the holy book of that faith or by their own moral code then that is Good Enough.
I believe that a person will know what is right for them when whatever the belief is strikes a chord within them.  That moment when you hear that passage, that idea, or that feeling that makes you feel calm and centered.
It might not even be a god.  It is whatever strikes a chord within you. It's a personal and solitary choice.
I have been all over the map with my beliefs.  I have believed many things.  On beliefnet.com a person can  take a quiz that determines their core beliefs and what religion it matches.  If that is to be believed, I am Jewish. Okay, that's something to think about. But I identify Christian.  I love the new pope but am not a Catholic fan.
I have  seen plenty of examples of a higher power in my life.  However, it might not be so clear to others or their examples might be very different.  That’s okay.  I think that is part of the reason we’re all here: to trying to figure it all out.
I believe not one person is more right or wrong.  I might not agree but I won’t be so bold as to proclaim them wrong.  That is not my job.

06 August 2014

Unemployment School

When you're unemployed in Washington State you have to go to an orientation class.  I call it unemployment school.  I knew I was going to have to go but still cringed when I received the notice.

The last time, years ago, I went it was boring and depressing and I remember I just wanted to curl up and sleep.  So I was super-excited to attend this one!

I got there early so I could choose a seat and not feel like the new kid in the cafeteria.  Also, I hoped that everyone else would too and we could start early thus end early.  No luck.

There were only about 12 people there and that surprised me a little.  I'm not sure why other than I expected to see some of my former co-workers there. I didn't and I was disappointed.

Like every.single.class I've ever taken ever, there was a Question Asker.  Gah, what is with these people?  I try to be patient with the human race but I was just shouting SHUT UP in my head every time that he raised his hand.

He had a cane for some reason, yet wasn't on disability (they asked) or had a visible injury.  Having my own issues, I cut him a little slack but it just felt contrived.  He said he was a construction worker but just laid off for a bit.  Then he said that he was union then he back-tracked.  He also told the class that he kept applying at a company and they kept giving him the "run-around".  I'm thinking "Dude, think it through. You're never gonna get hired there."  Even the job counselor kind of discouraged him from applying there repeatedly.  Thankfully, he ran out of questions quickly.

So, I settled in for a long boring class.  She started by asking each person what their field of work was.  I hate, hate, hate ice-breakers.  Lucky me, I was the last person asked (sitting in the back of the class...people who know me in reals just giggled).  I stated that I was an office administrator and she immediately replied "So, when I have a problem with the laptop, I can just ask you!"  Gah, yes, you can but please don't.

By the grace of all things holy, the class only lasted an hour when it was scheduled for three.  When we were excused, we were assigned a caseworker.  He took a copy of a form that we had to complete and we returned to our normal lives. 

Part of me was disappointed because I was anticipating more help or supervision and the less mature part of me started thinking about whether or not I wanted to get a mocha on the way home. I did come home with some good online resources.  I love that job search can be done from the comfort of my own home now.  The introvert part of me is very thankful.

One uncomfortable part of going to that kind of agency was the fact that I will run into past clients.  This is always a risk but the odds were great in this situation.  The universe did not disappoint. 

As I was waiting for the copy of my form to be completed, I noticed a woman sitting at a computer and looking at Google Streetview.  I thought that was a little odd because she was looking at houses, not businesses.   She was also talking to herself. (I played the schizophrenic or bluetooth game until I realized she was indeed talking to no one)

When I picked up my form, I got a better look at her and sure enough, a former client.  A former client that had been trespassed from my work.  Thankfully she didn't notice me and more thankfully, she is so far gone in her illness that I don't think she's capable of recognizing me.  That being said, I still wanted to get the eff out before something happened.

The employment security agency does most communication via email now so I'm relieved that I won't have that experience again.  It's also one more example of how I'm relieved to be not working in social services for a while, if ever again.

Out Just in the Nick of Time

The city where I used to work has a pretty low crime rate.  Every once in a while things happen that surprise people but for the majority of time, bad things don't happen.  So when they do, people take notice.

I read with interest that a body was found in a house and that it was being considered a homicide.  Firstly, I always wonder (and anticipate) the person being a former client.  This is the reality of working in social services sometimes.

Imagine my surprise when I read the newspaper online the next day to discover it's the tenant of my work's board president.  They named her in the article and included the typical overwrought, emotional quotes that articles like these often use.  Except I can hear the person say these words and I can just imagine the drama (and melodrama) that is happening.

It's like I'm watching a soap opera from just off the stage.  What the hell is going on there?  It just keeps getting weirder and weirder and I'm getting more relieved that I'm not working there anymore.

I must have gotten out of there just in the nick of time.  Who knows, I could have been murdered! (insert *Law and Order music* here)

04 August 2014


There was a little gathering of my former co-workers right after we were all laid off.  It was planned pre-lay-off then morphed into a memorial of sorts.

The topic of grieving came up, as one would think.  One of the social workers stated that she was an emotional griever but that someone else was an industrial griever.  "A what now?" I asked, feeling a little stupid but also feeling like "This is new information!"

An industrial griever is one who mourns via action.  Someone not prone to wallowing but to being busy. I am totally that!    I'm the one that gets busy when things go sideways.  That is totally me and there's a word for it.

I clean and organized when I'm stressed. I'm the one that goes into research mode upon the receipt of bad news.  That's me and there's a name for it.  This makes me feel better.  This makes me feel (almost) normal.

The person I was talking to said that she was an emotional griever and normally I think I would tend toward wanting to be more like that.  But I'm not. I'm usually not that person.  Sure, I have a temper but it has a long fuse and I get emotional but it's usually short lived.  I think being wired as I am, I tend to live in the moment.  I don't know if it's good or bad.  

I'm just happy when I learn something new and it makes me not feel so weird.

03 August 2014

Where the Magic Happens

At the beginning of the year I set a goal of submitting the book to agents again.  It's now August and I've done eff-all with it.  Now that I'm home I've no excuse not to work on it again.

That being said, I had allowed my desk to get a little out of control.  The drawers had gotten disorganized (err, stuffed, whatever) and I'd allowed junk to accumulate on top.   Usually I keep the office pretty neat, with the exception of Christmas, but in the past two years or so, I've not made the effort.

I have one drawer left to organized (filing = ugh) and then I'm out of excuses.  I plan on getting that drawer handled tomorrow and then it's down to business.  No excuses.  It sure would be nice if the temp dropped out of the eighties though. The office is one of the first rooms to get sun and then stays in it all day. 

Thinking about it further, I'd put that book to bed a few years ago so I'm equally hesitant and curious to reread it and do some editing.  Maybe I'll find something big or maybe it will be fine.  Who knows, really.

Also, I have an unfinished book that I've been wanting to get back to but just haven't done it.  I write in my head, especially when I am trying to go to sleep.  I think I am a little nervous about opening that door again though.  It can be overwhelming having something like that consume your attention.

Blogher has been doing regular blogging challenges and I thought I'd try that this month, being as I'm at home and have nothing else to do but hang with the puppy, watch Greys Anatomy, and read books.
So far, so good, I've posted three whole days running.  :)   Also, August is a no cheat month as there aren't any holidays that I can cheat with.  Alas.

I've been remembering to post to Twitter when I write as well.  I'm hoping that August will help me regain and build good habits when it comes to this writing thing.  We'll see.  I know that as soon as I plan something, the universe loves to throw a wrench in the works.

Sun streaming in the window, pillows on the dog crate so she doesn't climb on the desk and a sad little fan that does little to cool off the greenhouse effect.  Also: married to a car guy, in case you missed it.

02 August 2014

I Love This Right Now

Things I love Right Now:

Dirty Pop Live on Sirius XM OutQ.   It's Lance Bass's radio show and they just make me laugh. Topics range from Hollywood gossip to dating to playing games.  I used to listen on the way home (it replaced TMZ Live) and now I have to remind myself to listen at home.

Wil Wheaton AND his wife Anne Wheaton on Twitter.  Individually they're fun to read but paired together is so much more fun.

Allison Winn Scotch and Karen White are two new authors I enjoy reading.

That looking for work no longer requires leavng the house.  When I started working you had to go door-to-door or go to the unemployment office and choose index card off the bulletin board to apply for jobs.  Thank you, interwebs!

I'm probably late to the party with this but Burt's Bees lotion.  It's my new favorite.



01 August 2014

Nothing Really Matters

When I had to complete training to be a domestic violence advocate there were lots of little examples of healthy and unhealthy interactions.  Some of the examples were obvious and some of them were a little subversive, making you question any interaction that you've ever had.  The subversive ones, I should say, were usually paired with a "this example AND then this too."

One of the examples given was loading the dishwasher, which made me giggle because who argues over that? I realized that some people do and that's okay.  But the example was one of those that held a "and then this too" component.  Arguing over how to load the dishwasher is fine, per se but belittling the other person or becoming aggressive about it, is not fine.

This is the awkward part where a co-worker casually commented how she argues with her husband and son all the time about how it's done.  She continued with "It's not that hard really, how can they not figure it out? Are they dumb or just playing dumb?"

WHOA, red flag on the play ma'am.

Because I tend to automatically switch into smart ass mode in uncomfortable situations, I quickly stated something like "Well, clearly then you're the abuser" with an eye-roll and laugh.  The look of discomfort from the co-worker did not alleviate the awkwardness of the situation.

So, blundering on, I off-the-cuff mentioned that "I can't believe that's even an ISSUE.  As long as it gets done, who cares really?"  I was promptly given examples then of dishes needing rewashing or not fitting so they had to wait or be hand washed.  Again, I was all "I still don't get it, why is that a problem?  It's an inconvenience, yes but not a Problem.  Because if it is one, then you need bigger problems."

Finally, the instructor moved us onto another topic (really should have done that sooner, I guess)

But it made me think of examples of myself blowing a gasket over something like that.  I couldn't really think of one.  Certainly there are things that are annoying or irritating but not usually something that makes me lose it.  Perhaps that's just me, how I'm wired. I rarely fall into the "normal" category.

Really, though, is it worth it to argue over something little like that?  Does it really matter?  Are lives going to be lost because the cap isn't on the toothpaste or he doesn't empty the garbage or we run out of milk?  Are these offenses really something that we're going to look back on and think "That time is the time when things went off the rails." 

Probably not.  I just think we should save our arguments for the big things.  And really, few things are the big things. Money, family, life/death decisions: those are the big things.  Not dishes in the sink or socks on the floor, or forgotten garbage bins.

Nothing really matters *that* much to argue about, I think.  Time is short. 

31 July 2014

Everything Takes 15 Minutes

Or so it would seem, in my life.

I noticed, when I was home from throwing myself down the stairs, that most things take about 15 minutes.  Switching laundry loads? yes.  Emptying the dishwasher? yes.  Showering? yes.  Walking to the mailbox? yes. Writing this post? yes.

I think I started to notice this when I was on bed rest and had limited time to be "up."  Everything seems to happen in fifteen minutes time.  There's even the Warhol quote of everyone has fifteen minutes of fame.  (Why, yes, I've had that as well.)

Now that I'm home again on "vacation", I have noticed that again fifteen minute increments keep cropping up.  Fifteen minutes to apply for a job online, fifteen minutes to water a section of the yard.  Fifteen minutes to aimlessly flip through a magazine. Fifteen minutes to watch a half-hour sitcom on the dvr. 

(Or to go really deep: 15 minutes to race the car one pass, from the staging lanes to packing the chutes on the return road) 

They say if you're an addict or going through a particular period of time to focus not on the whole day or the whole task but to break it down into smaller increments.  I guess I've found that to be true in my life.  But then, I'm one of those weird folks that find patterns in every thing. Fifteen minutes at at a time.

29 July 2014

Just Be Happy

It's been two weeks since I stopped working.  It still feels weird.  I can't figure it out.

I don't know if it's because my job didn't seem finished and there's a small chance I'll be called back or what is going on.  I feel relieved that the mess that is my former work is no longer in my life but I do miss my friends.

I don't feel super anxious about finding another job, which seems weird to me as well.  I don't know if it's age or what but I'm all "Meh, whatever" about a new job.  I've been open to  applying just to see what happens to different kinds of jobs.  I have never gotten my hopes up for a job because I hate that kind of disappointment (like everyone else enjoys it, really)

Like I did when I was home before, I'm keeping myself on sort of a schedule.  Kevin still leaves for work at OhGawd-thirty so that doesn't change.  I make sure I'm showered, dressed, and chores done by 9:00 so that I don't develop bad habits that need undoing when I do return to work.

But that also leaves a huge gap of empty space in my day.  I've filled it with Greys Anatomy and books and small projects.  But the shiny novelty of this is going to wear off pretty quickly. (also, Dance Moms marathon..really? Talk about disappointment. lol) And I'm eventually going to run out of projects.

The puppy does keep me a little distracted as she's still a puppy and loves, loves, loves chasing rabbits, birds, shrews, etc.  So, I have to check on her regularly so she's not in Texas before we realize it.  I figured out that if I put her bed out on the deck and leave the screen door open, she sticks around a little more.
It's a dogs life, really
I guess what I'm saying is that I'm remarkably relaxed about this and that is making me anxious.  How messed up is that?  Kevin's not stressed at all, he's always happy when I'm home.  The puppy is happy I'm home.  I'm happy that I'm home but I know I need to return to work to achieve our goals.

And I totally acknowledge that I've little to complain about when others face much bigger challenges. I'm just surprised at how not worried about things I am.  I'm just going to work on being happy about what my life is right now.  Like the puppy is.

23 July 2014

The Future is Wide Open

I'm trying to embrace the Who Do You Want to Be When You Grow Up question.  I'm trying to embrace this new job situation in a positive light.  The last time I was unemployed was brutal; it was unexpected and on the heels of Kevin's diagnosis and our new house.  This time things are a little more mellow.

When I was child I wanted to be a teacher or a librarian.  I've done the teacher thing so I can check that off of my list. Librarian takes a degree and seems to be a job that doesn't become available very often. 

Then I was thinking about what else would be a job that could encompass these two interests.  Retail is not a choice for me as it's shift work, requires a lot of time on your feet, and it's retail.  (people, ugh)  Also, bookstores are a dying breed anymore.

Early childhood is no longer a choice as the pay is abysmal, finishing my degree in this field doesn't make sense financially and the physical demand too high.  Also, kind of over it as it is an extremely taxing profession.  Maybe I can just volunteer to rock babies or something instead.

I have registered at all the local school districts so I'm hoping maybe something will come up in that field.  It's kind of good timing as the school year starts next month. 

I could become a para-educator, which is fancy term for teachers aide but it requires testing.  You can tell me to stop being a baby about the test but MATH.  When I took the pre-test years ago, the computer actually Kicked Me Off because of my horrible performance on the math section. The remedy for this is a Math for Boneheads class and frankly, I'd rather have dental surgery.  So, this is going to require some thought and fortitude. 

But then, I'm really good at my job.  It seems silly to not stick with something that I'm really good at. But social services jobs are difficult to get into and now the job market is flooded with my former co-workers.

I was also thinking about just registering as a temp.  Lots of flexibility, change, and can be lucrative if you prove yourself valuable.  But I think I need consistency.

As you can see, I'm trying to keep an open mind and be adventuresome about this new situation.

So, pretend that suddenly your future is wide open.  What would you do?

Vacation, All I Ever Wanted?

Guess who's unemployed!?!!  *This Girl*

I was laid off last week.  It wasn't totally unexpected and has turned out to be relieving.  We were working in such stressful conditions so it was just a release of pent up emotions when we realized we were finally done.  We were working in the unknown as the temporary bosses were not communicating with the admin staff.  To boot, there was no budget, accounts seriously past due, and non-compliance with regulators.  Each time we tried to address and fix the issues, we were told no.  It's as if they're trying to burn the place down. So to be released from that hell-ish space was  not that upsetting.  I think I'm more sad about not seeing my co-workers and some of the clients than anything else.

It sounds like it might not all be a done deal but I'm not getting my hopes up about it.  I won't work for the temporary bosses (the board still hasn't found a permanent replacement and is steadfastly ignoring that the temporary executive director is in way over her head) and would only return to work there if very specific needs were met.

I felt immediately compelled to get busy.  I got all my paperwork in order: insurance, retirement, employment security, budget stuff.  I registered on all the job sites and made lists. Then I sat on the couch and watched Greys Anatomy all afternoon, for three afternoons.

I did find myself decompressing more than I anticipated.  I guess I knew I was wound up but I didn't know how much I was wound up.  This week, while still keeping on a schedule, I have found myself just watching television, reading the interwebs, and reading.  Kevin's been checking in a little more, which gave me a heads-up as well.  I just didn't fully realize how the last nine months have worn me down.

So, I'm just going to play it by ear.  I'm going to take some time to just (I hate to say the buzzword) breathe. I'm lucky that this has happened during the summer and concentrate that this will just be another opportunity to have an adventure.

06 July 2014

Somebody Realign the Stars

It seems like many people have been having drama in their lives, like straight-up drama. Job issues, relationship issues, financial trouble.  I'm sure if I consulted the stars and psychics, they would tell me that something was in retrograde or the moon was in the eleventeenth house or something.  This is not helpful.  Sh*t is going down, y'all.

My work has been SHAKESPEAREAN in its drama.  I go to work every day expecting either that the doors are locked or that I will no longer have a job.  I often pull in, and to quote the Interwebs, am disappointed that the building isn't on fire.

Friends have had health issues, one after and another.  Relationships that are usually steady are unusually strained.  What the EFF universe?

During a conversation, I mentioned that "they" say if something keeps occurring that it means we simply haven't learned the intended lesson yet.  As in something is to be gained by these experiences and they will continue in varying forms until we "get it".

Can we just all remain stupid in this specific situation and move on?  It's summer, we're supposed to be happy-go-lucky and be relaxed and carefree. Must all of learn these cosmic lessons at the same time? Can we just maybe take turns, or better yet just skip it altogether?

Until then I guess we just have to remain as zen as we can.  Turn our faces to the sun and relax when we're able.  Surely, this too shall pass.

Laugh Every Day

On the way to my parents for the fireworks, we stopped at Starbucks to get a drink.  (it's my equivalent to taking a shot of whiskey).

We also stopped to get gas and there is a bikini-barista stand in the same parking lot.  In case you don't know what this is, it's essentially strippers making coffee.  It's seven different kinds of yukky.

I was teasing Kevin that they have calendars now and we should get one. 

"Pull over there then." he says.

"No, because: gross." I say while pulling past the stand to leave.

Like a flash, Kevin reaches over and honks the horn then presses back against the seat so he can't been seen, making it look like I'm all "Hey baby" to the strippers.

Suddenly I'm sixteen, on a date with a cute & funny boy.  All I could do is laugh. Twenty-four years later and it's as if no time has ever passed.  Laughter every day, that is the key.

A New Kind of Summer

Usually we are immersed in racing during this part of summer; gone on the weekends, late nights working on the cars, taking time off work.  This year is different though, after wishing we could take a summer off over the past few years, we aren't racing this summer.  Our home track underwent renovations over the late winter/Spring and they didn't go well.  The track won't be open until the first weekend of August, all going well which hasn't been the case all summer.

We could go down to Seattle or Bremerton but we just don't want to.  The drive is brutal, the trip requires hotel stays, and our friends aren't there.  We've opted to just stay home instead.

With that, we don't know what to do with ourselves.  We're never home during the summer. Like bored eight-year-olds, we're wandering around trying to figure out what to do.  We've worked in the yard, we've organized the shop to Sheldon-like standards, we've organized the car trailer, we've relaxed, and we're bored. Bored.

We keep looking at each other "We should be doing *something* but what...?" 

A few years ago we would also be in the middle of our busy time with fireworks.  This would be one of those brutal years with three back-to-back shows. Now we're just lowly spectators.  We've only watched one show this year, the one at my parents.  The fascination is gone now that we're not the ones doing it. But a gap still remains.  It feels odd to not be busy and exhausted.

So, here we sit.  I've watched every episode and the movie of Veronica Mars.  We've watched movies we've been meaning to watch, our DVR is at a low percentage that it hasn't seen in years.  I've read one book and am in the middle of another.   My magazine stack is no longer towering toward avalanche, nor is Kevin's.  We're both bored with the interwebs.

I daresay we're going to resort to painting soon.  The exterior trim is looking pretty sad and everything is due for a touch up.  So far though, we haven't been *that* bored yet.  I'm not sure there is a level of boredom that precipitates painting.  I guess we'll see.

This is, however, making me a little nervous about our retirement years.  Surely we won't be racing then (who knows, though) and what then?  We best develop some sort of a hobby soon.  In the meanwhile, we're experiencing a new kind of summer. The kind that everyone else does; spending time not doing much of anything.  How do y'all do it? 

29 June 2014


I don't resent Father's Day as much as I resent Mother's Day.  This does make some sense as Mother's Day I do take a bit personally.  But I do find myself concentrating on not eye-rolling during both holidays. Some of my annoyance is the not having kids thing and some of it is the cynicism that not all families are Hallmark Channel families.

Conversely, I do enjoy seeing friends posts on the social media celebrating their parents. I know, it makes little sense. Welcome to my brain.  I decided to participate and posted a picture of Kevin's dad, wishing him a happy Father's Day.

Next I posted a picture of my dad on Facebook for my brothers.  It taken by me it a very, very long time ago with my brothers camera. He is ice skating on the lake in front of our house.

I've been scanning pictures into the laptop whenever I can.  I have three photo albums from my parents house that I brought home.  I've looked at it numerous times, even helped put some of them into the albums. Sometimes I notice photographs like I've never seen them before.

There's something about perspective.  I was disappointed with the photo when I took it but now some many years later, it is the perfect representation of my dad. Solitary.  Independent.

As I thought more about it: Me.

Like you do, as you age you realize that you are more like your parents than perhaps you're willing to admit. Specific to me, I was raised by alcoholics so the need to be different from them and/or put a distance between me and them is natural.  So it was with more than a little startling realization that I understood that I've become like my dad.

I'm perfectly content doing things by myself.  I'm content to not see people for days on end.  (other than Kevin, obviously)  I know that I've absolutely gotten the "I'll do it myself!" attitude from my dad.  My family says I've always been that way.

As much distance a person may try to create, sometimes genetics just overcome everything else.

A Legacy in Red

The dedication of the new fire department that my dad served as chief for many years was last Saturday.  It was a beautiful ceremony, with quite a few similarities to the firefighter memorial that they held for my dad.  For that reason, the ceremony was bittersweet.
During the dedication they did all the traditional stuff; the transfer of the flag from one station to the other, the speeches, the ribbon cutting. It was very Hallmark Channel.

Afterward, the crowd broke apart and we met the current fire chief, who is like a son to my dad.
He was teary, which always undoes me.  My mom broke down in tears as well.  There were just so many similarities, I'm sure it wasn't lost on anyone.  Also, to hear your family name referred to is honoring and a little strange.  There wasn't an inch of that fire department that my dad wasn't a part of and it was a big part of my childhood as well.

It's one of the first times that I've actually missed my dad.  He would have loved to have seen how everything turned out; what a great job Brett is doing, the incredible new hall, all of it. 

Brett did something that just undoes me when I think about it.  He had to stay out in the public space to greet everyone but told us to go look in his office first thing, before we saw anything else.  We did and it was just one of the nicest things that I think anyone has ever done. 

Prominently, the first thing you see entering his office are these:

The photo on the left is my dad in the old restored engine.  He was the marshal in the local parade shortly before he died.  He was so proud and happy that day.  The one on the right is before the parade, posing with Brett's sons who are nearly grown now.  Both of them were flag presenters at Dad's memorial and again at the dedication.

The dedication was just a really good example of two things: life goes on and that people do leave a legacy behind, whether they know it or not.

14 June 2014

You Know It's Ugly When

Your loving husband puts where you almost can't see it.

Kevin's mom brought home a god-awful planter that her sister made using sea shells.  To not hurt people's feelings, we kept it kind of out of sight at the corner of our house.  After an appropriate amount of time passed (two years) and it started to fall apart, Kevin finally moved it.

He's letting it return to nature, in all it's glory. 

Specific in it's ugliness
This is better

Return to nature ugly planter. Go toward the light. (hidden to the left of the misshapen rhody)

13 June 2014

May is usually our Happiest Month

I believe that things come in threes: deaths, disasters, etc.  The month of May was one of the more brutal and strange examples of that theory.

As we discussed, our friend Dale committed suicide.  My stomach still churns with this thought, it's just unbelievable.  The shiny side is that we've become closer with his brother so that's good.
Then on Mother's Day one of my childhood best friends dad died in a tractor accident. Ugh.  Just ugh.
And then this, the most brutal of them all maybe.  Our friend and track photographer (the one whose pictures I post here) lost his dog in the most god-awful way possible.  The dog walker he employed had a mental break and the dogs (six of them) died of heat stroke.

It's one of the few times that I've questioned existence.  What the HELL, Universe?

May is one of those cluster months: birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays are all clumped together within a thirty-day period.  I love May, usually.  Just not this May as much.

To offset the awfulness, we did have our annual birthday party for Kevin and the littles.  We counted 47 adults, 12 kids, 2 babies, and 3 dogs total.  Although it rained all day, we had a really good time. We ended the day exhausted yet pleased at how many loved ones spent the day with us.

We also celebrated our 21st anniversary. As the last two years were spent healing from injury and illness, this anniversary almost felt strange; as if we were unsure exactly how to celebrate it. We took an extra long weekend, spent a very rare weekday together, and just spent time together alone.

Then, Kevin's mom, whose health is already frail, contracted C. Diff.  For those of you who've been reading here a while, you will remember that I had this about three years ago and it had me home sick for two weeks.  (it jacks the chemistry in your stomach when you take antibiotics that either you don't need or your body doesn't enjoy.  The cure? Antibiotics.)  This resulted in a three day stay at the hospital, including a 11:00 at night ambulance ride.


It seems like we've had our three bad things, plus one. We've had two happy things so I'm fully expecting another 1.5 happy things to arrive any time now. Especially since it's June now.

11 June 2014

Lightening Rod

Work has still been all GAAAAHHHH!!!!  It's bad enough that when I come home I just sit down to watch reruns of Greys Anatomy and/or Veronica Mars because my brain is just FULL.  It simply cannot accept new information at this time.

I never expected that the ways things have played out in the workplace would ever have taken this direction.  I thought the last major change was going to propel us into a new, happier, shinier future. 

Yeah. Not so much.

The temporary new person is just as bad as my former boss, if not worse.  Well, probably a little bit worse as she is non-communicative and apparently doesn't like white girls.

This is the first time that I've been discriminated against (to my knowledge, I am blissfully unaware at times) and it's just not good.  There is simply no descriptor I can use that is appropriate there, "not good" is what I'm choosing as the least inflammatory.  (and if you're a person that is not white, please feel free to comment and  tell me to pipe the hell down. I accept that fully)

Now I'm not equating this person's nearly blatant hatred of me to the struggles of other races because I am well aware that this one person being mean to me is in no way possible, not even in the neighborhood, of being equal to blatant bigotry.

In fact, speaking of blissfully unaware, I didn't realize that was the problem until it was pointed out by a co-worker who happens to match the race of my new temporary boss.  It was pointed out that she treats the other staff  much more respectfully and while most of them match me, they are all older than me and some even older than the new temporary boss.  Age trumps color, perhaps.

So, if we're keeping score: I'm a younger, white, blonde person in a small pool of mostly older and more diverse backgrounds.   To add to the mix: I'm the last remaining staff member from the original organization and apparently that is threatening.

The fighter in me wants to just flip the table, yell, and demand to be treated better.  Fortuntately or unfortunately depending on how you look at it, the more mature part of me says "Don't make permanent decisions over temporary problems."  I can wait this person out and just hope that karma visits justly. I'm just focusing on doing my job, in my quiet little office, and waiting for the storm to pass.  The fighter in me also wants very badly to call her out so that she cannot go victimize anyone else.  This, sadly, is not my battle to fight though.

One of my co-workers described herself as a "Delayed Reactor"  (Swistle, I thought you'd like that description)  She processes things slowly and often finds herself having to circle back to a confrontation.  I, as sometimes an immediate reactor, wistfully stated that I wish I was more like that.  She disagreed and thought I possessed the more enviable trait.

But being a reactor means that I am sometimes a lightening rod.  Because I speak my mind and defend myself, it attracts others that, shall we say, don't appreciate that trait.  This is exhausting and why sometimes I wish I was a delayed reactor instead.  I can only wish to develop a meet in the middle sort of reaction.

It's complicated and this is why I have been coming home to see what Veronica or Meredith & Christina are up to after work.  Their lives are so much more simple. And they live in television.

08 June 2014

Put Me in a Bubble

I have a new allergy.  I'm so unexcited about this.  There are two weird things at play with this new allergy though:

I have two blisters on my ELBOWS randomly and without warning.  I think I also had a small one on my thumb but I just can't tell if it's a scratch or cut. It healed almost immediately but not so much the elbows. The elbows are obvious.  I look like I'm six years old and took a spill off my bike.

We thought it was strawberries because I've recently had some in both fresh, jam, and yogurt form.  I'm not a huge strawberry fan so it's rare that I eat them but I was just bored with eating the same flavors over and over.

When discussing the apple allergy with the doctor, she mentioned that strawberries are usually the culprit when it comes to reactions and to pay attention. Turns out: she wasn't kidding.

Today I googled the symptoms because I think Kevin's convinced my elbows are going to fall off. Also, the left elbow won't heal after three days.  We're having a disagreement over whether or not to use band-aids. Turns out I'm right: blisters should be covered. If this wasn't such a stupid topic I would be all "I was right, you were wrong" but Blisters on My Elbows.

(And no worries: I went to MayoClinic.com, which is a recommended site from Kevin's doctor.  No WebMD for me, thank you.)

It turns out that it might be cashews.  I've tried to implement nuts into our snacks instead of salty chips, etc. so I've recently eaten cashews; again something that I don't normally eat.  Maybe I'm just allergic to healthy foods.  My body is all "Nope, can't do it. I can readily identify the ingredients."

I swear if this allergy thing keeps up I am going to have to become a vegetarian and pray that I don't ever have to have medicine of any kind. Or I'll become Girl in the Plastic Bubble, that might be more realistic.

29 May 2014

A Shelf Fell Down

One of my only complaints about this house is that the shelving in closets are weak.  Each of the them have fallen now.  This last one was in Monica's Closet.  I ignored it for a few weeks because I knew it would be a much bigger job than I wanted to undertake. The shelf conveniently rested on stacks of totes so there was no emergency.

We had our annual birthday gathering for Kevin and the littles this past weekend so I knew I had to work on it, want to or not.  I had sorted and stacked what was on the actual shelf and left it outside the closet door, which the OCD hated but I told it to pipe down.  It did make me give a bunch of stuff to the eldest Niece, who was THRILLED to have it.  Some of it is still in the back of the 4Runner, waiting to go to Goodwill. 

The closet is the one space that I allow to be a bit messy yet it is quite organized. (my definition of messy, Kevin says) On the left are four totes of Christmas decorations and two faux Christmas trees.  Half of these are the in-laws so put down your plans for an intervention.

The center stack is stuff I use intermittently like a tote of gift bags and ribbons, a tall tote of wrapping paper, a tote of picture frames and pictures, and the bedding for the racecar trailer. This stack often gets random stuff piled on top of it; ignored filing, empty boxes, toys for the kids, etc.

Next row is decorations left over from when I worked at the school.  I used to decorate the office (and my house, actually) for each holiday.  I've pared this down quite a bit but it still exists.
This leaves the final row.  This row of totes are keepsakes.  Books, toys, and stuffies from my childhood, stuff from Kevin's childhood, and just random and I mean RANDOM keepsakes. Greeting cards, stickers, funny cartoons, correspondence, stuff you would probably find in any high school locker.

My intention is to someday put these items into scrapbook albums.  But someday keeps getting further away.  Some of it has lost it's meaning so I'm all "Why did I keep this" and some of it is stuff I can look up on the interwebs or scan into the laptop and be done with it.  I like how some "problems" are solved just by the passage of time.

The biggest challenge is greeting cards. If I could figure out how to remove signatures from greeting cards, I would have an entire Hallmark store inventory.  I just feel badly about tossing them into the trash.  I've kept a small collection of milestones but over time, all of the cards from all of the things have been thrown together.

Maybe I'm over-thinking this (don't say Hoarder) but I have difficulty choosing which cards to keep because people die and then seeing that signature is comforting.  But that doesn't mean keep them forever because people might die.  So, we're back to the milestones only.

Kevin thinks keeping our childhood stuff is a little silly at this point because we don't have kids.  We have grand nephews and nieces but I think they have very little interest in old stuffies and Hot Wheels. Some of the toys have value on the ebay but who wants to deal with that? Clearly not me.

So, in three totes in a far corner of a closet, sit memories of our existence.  Kevin said "Or you can leave them and the Nephew and Niece will have to deal with them." Nice, Kevin, you and your black heart.

For now, it's all reassembled and a little less crowded.  Some day I'll decide about those greeting cards and buy scrapbooks.  Someday.  But we all know that when I buy those scrapbooks, they're just going to sit in Monica's closet until the shelf falls down again.