28 February 2020

The Day Continued Into Night

Just in case you thought the rest of yesterday went smoothly, I will tell you: it did not.

I got out of work a little late so there's that.  Karmic balance satisfied on the work front.

Then I stopped to visit a friend for a few minutes so that was like the one shining thing.

Once I got home, I was going to do stuff and just spun myself out instead. Because that is a good decision among previously made "good" decisions of the day.

Kevin came home and I started dinner when his mom called.  I hate that these phone calls give us anxiety more than anything else now.

She was making dinner (???) and wanted to know if we wanted some.  "I accidentally made too much" of salmon fillets and boiled potatoes. a) she doesn't eat. 2) I think more she wanted to cook for us/have dinner with us.

Here are our choices:  Say yes and regret it, say yes and just don't eat it, or say no and disappoint her.

I said yes and told Kevin that I would just make dinner as planned.  He said that we could try it and if it wasn't okay, we would have something else.

So fast forward about an hour.  She phones to tell me that it's ready. I walked over to get it because Kevin is sick and can't be near her.  Two salmon fillets on a plate and a bowl of boiled/sorta mashed potatoes. Both of which look slightly suspect.

I said thank you, returned to the house, and texted Kevin "You have a bit before it's ready."

Into the oven the salmon goes because it still appears...shiny.

Into a bigger bowl goes the potatoes so I can mash them and cook them a little while longer.

Then I cooked a vegetable and made small dishes of cottage cheese.

Kevin was late coming in from the shop because he was having drama also. Yesterday can die in a fire.  But it was fine because the salmon, which he prefers to be overcooked, was just starting to look like we could eat it.

We ate dinner and it wasn't awful, it wasn't great either.  I ate more vegetable, potato and cottage cheese than salmon.  Kevin ate it all.  And this is where I mention that the salmon had bones.  So I'm glad that the person who isn't supposed to be eating anything, has possibly eaten something with bones.

About thirty-minutes later, at the most, we both had tummy trouble.  Because of course we did.

Luckily it was quickly over with and I was thankful that I had cooked everything more or we would have REALLY been sick.  I should have gone with my instincts.  AND THIS IS ME SAYING THIS: I Should Have Cooked.  That's how sideways the day was.

What I hadn't heard was earlier, Kevin mentioned to his brother that his mom had cooked and offered us dinner and we had concerns.  The brother says "Well, you can tell her no."

Umm, she's not going to be on this earth much longer so telling her no isn't an option in my world.
I just wished I would have stuck to the plan of making dinner and not eating hers.

27 February 2020

Shoulda Bought That Coffee

This week has been a whole mood, I swear.

This morning I was running late, which isn't unusual.  I worked late yesterday so I wasn't particularly worried about being any kind of late this morning.

(for those of you who wonder how in the world of Carmen San Diego I can hold a job:  I have a super flexible job and schedule. As long as the work is done, doesn't matter when I am there.)  

I had forgotten that the stereo in my car decided that I could only listen to one radio station and nothing else yesterday.  This morning, it was the same and I couldn't turn it down.  SUPER.

It has a removable face so I popped it off and....now I have nothing.  I can see what time it is, which was remarkably correct.  Weird.  I could phone out but that was all.  So driving in silence for me today.  I wondered what was worse: silence or one radio station playing loudly.

While driving on the freeway I wasn't paying super close attention becuase that's who I am.  When I  traveled at 75 mph right pass a state trooper.  TERRIFIC.  This is also where anxiety decided to chime in and ask me if I remembered to put my license back since we went to Canada on Monday.

By the grace of sweet tiny 8 lb. 6 oz. baby jesus, the trooper did not pull me over.

I stopped to get coffee and that went well so I thought "Maybe the day is turning around. Didn't get pulled over...got coffee...let's do this."  I momentarily thought about paying the person's coffee who was behind me.  Then I decided not to, not for any specific reason.  I actually thought to myself "You need Karma correction, that isn't a good move..."

You laugh.  Wait.

Upon walking into work I noticed that someone had been in my office.  Weird but okay.  Turns out it was the I.T. guy who had installed some updates on my computer. 

I log into my computer and my internet wouldn't work.  I need internet for my job because everything is cloud/server based off-site.  NEAT.

The I.T. dude looks at it and decides that a new CPU would be faster for all involved than trying to fix the connectivity issue. Okay, cool. 

Not cool. 

Upon backing up files to the server, the IT department scanner caught "suspicious activity" on my computer and it had to be shut down AND unplugged.

Shoulda bought that coffee.

Nearly an hour later, I finally have a new computer AND internet.   I have been at work for TWO HOURS and have only accomplished breaking the internet and the computer.

As I was readying to get settled in, my favorite advocate in all of the land needs to impromptu meet with me about her caseload.  Sure, why not. Of COURSE.

We finish that meeting and others stop by also needing stuff, because that's why they pay me. 

I finally realized that it was lunch time so I went to leave.  NOPE. 

A client is looking for a partner agency and the office manager didn't know where it was. Now I am trying to relay directions and I don't speak Spanish.  Well, I can say a few phrases and understand a little but not Giving Directions Level of speaking/understanding.

Finally I leave to go get lunch and to see if I can get the stereo fixed.  While driving I phoned Kevin.  After about one minute of me no-pause speaking, he says "You seem a little...pissy." and laughs. This is NOT offensive because frankly, I am rarely pissy. Today was the day.  Mark it on the calendar.

And of course there was construction in front of the stereo shop. OF COURSE.

I've realized that I am now the age where people treat me like their mom and I have to say: DO NOT ENJOY.  However, the young man fixed my stereo (it needed restarted, like my computer)  so I can let that go.

Next I go to get lunch. I've phoned Kevin with a stereo update and he sasses me for buying lunch and I'm all "Whatever dude"  He wanted me to just go buy a new stereo so I had just saved us $250. I can buy lunch I think.

It took longer to go through the drive-through than it did for the young man to fix my stereo. SIGH.  I texted Kevin that fact and said "I hope that makes you feel better."  He says "NO."  Funny guy.

Now I am seriously considering just getting on the freeway and going home. 

Instead, I am now locked in my office with the music playing and trying to get some work done. OBVIOUSLY as proven by this post.

Oh, new computer requires new passwords, re-logging into all the apps, sites, etc. Finding or creating new shortcuts and choosing a new desktop photo. Because: priorities. I have done about 45 minutes of actual work This Whole Day.

I have an hour and a half left of the day.  Let's just see how it goes. 

Shoulda bought that coffee

25 February 2020

The Zombies are Back

You know when you notice a song you've heard hundreds of times and you're all "Wait..." and you listen again and again. I had that happen the other day and then another thing happened AND then this morning I had one of those mind-blown moments. It was one of those moments where you just think "Oh, I get it."

While at work, I listen mostly to SIRIUS/XM. I like it because I can bounce around channels to suit my mood. ANYWAY, they played Zombies by the Bad Wolves. (which I'm assuming the band is Doctor Who fans. Don't correct me) It's a remake of the Cranberries song and truth be told, I like it better than the original. Click here, if you're curious: Zombies

My head is dark and twisty right now. In case you hadn't picked that up just yet. This is how we got here:

About a month ago, Kevin found my former husband on the social media. Kevin wasn't looking for him, he unfortunately came up as a friend suggestion. Because the universe has a Sense of Humor dogdamnit. He was a little hesitant to tell me and then asked if I wanted to see his photo.

My initial response was what it has been for years "No, eff that guy." But I have wondered what he looks like now. Because I have no idea and that's terrifying. I could see him and not know who he is. Like a bad Lifetime television movie.

He showed me and I wouldn't have recognized him at all. This is good and bad, I suppose. I had no feelings about it except the pre-existing condition of "Eff that guy." Then I looked at his profile once to see where he worked. I wanted to make sure that I never went there, in case it was a brick and mortar place. He's a truck driver so that is unlikely. So: relief.

I'd like to say I never thought about it again but of course I did. I told my BFF and then forced myself to not think about it again.

AND THEN (no, I still haven't seen him)

I finally reached out to the friend who I've been meaning to and keep dithering about. My hesitation was opening that whole can of worms because we were friends during that time period. She was one of the people who were ghosted. I've seen her once? since then and it was at a funeral so not the place for catching up.

We talked on the phone, during the work day, and mostly it was good. It's always good to talk to old friends and it's funny how people fall into patterns and shorthand even though a significant period of time has passed.

However, I'm (perhaps stupidly) surprised how affected I am by that conversation. I don't know why I am because I shouldn't be and that's adding to the frustration. Instead of using his name like I have here in the past, I will revert back to how I used to refer to him: Satan. Because that's the image that is back in my head.

The Zombies are Back.

She asked about Satan, asked if we ever talk. Ugh, that is such a tough one for me to answer without feeling/seeming melodramatic. I explained that legally we will never, ever, be in contact ever again. Ever. She said something and I clarified "No, like within 500 feet of me or he's going to jail kind of thing. It's very serious." This is where it occurs to me "Wow, she doesn't KNOW."

I'm sure time erased some things, and I know that she really didn't know a lot of what happened because of the disappearing act. I summed it up that I was told to disappear and so I did. She was kind of quiet then I explained that I have had this same conversation with a mutual friend and how it was really difficult, even after all of this time. She accepted it all at face value, which was nice.

And then said I can tell you a story about Satan.

I said yes, mostly out of reflex and because I didn’t think that it would be upsetting. I thought it would be some sort of weird whatever. Dude, I was wrong. Super Wrong.

It was a terrible story. TERRIBLE. Can't even make a joke about it because TERRIBLE.  It was confirmation and reminder of why I have that restraining order and that he never changed. UGH. Talk about secondary trauma. That was the only time that I thought "I shouldn't have called."

Because it takes me some time to process in "heightened circumstances", I realized a few things over the weekend:

She still talked to Satan and had his phone number and he hers.
She had no idea about that time - to the point of asking if we ever talked
That this seems totally normal to her and the story she told is NOT NORMAL
My memory is still so fuzzy about that time.
I hate that Satan is back in my head.
I hate that he is still drunk, crazy and violent. And still perpetuating said violence.

So, temporarily the zombies are back. The bad dreams are back and the vigilance is back.

This time though: I have people. I have things to say in my head until it goes away. This time I know it's temporary.

Despite all of THAT: overall it was nice to reconnect. It's nice to talk to people who know who I used to be. It's nice to talk about the fun things that happened back then instead of the drama. It's nice to replace the bad with the good. It's like a weird sort of dementia, sometimes I'll remember and sometimes I just...don't. So it's usually happy to be reminded.

For now, I just have to remember the Zombies are all in my head.

19 February 2020

We'll Just Buy Another One

Well, it's been a few days since we've talked about the parents so today is the day.

Kevin phones his parents every day to check in.  It's usually about the same time every day.  Today, he phoned his mom and she didn't answer. 

Oh...wait...last week my f-i-l came to the house beccause his phone wouldn't work.  The problem, you ask?  It was turned down.  That's all, it was on silent.

He INSISTS that he didn't turn it down yet had no idea how to turn it up. 

Okay, back to today.  Kevin phones his dad when his mother doesn't answer.  "Where is mom?"

"She's right here."

"Why didn't she answer her phone?"

"It's broken. No one can call."

"How long has it been like that?"

"Oh, a few days..."

It's Wednesday.  I was home all day on Monday, we were home all weekend, Kevin phones every single damn day.  We have NO IDEA why they won't tell us these kinds of things.

Kevin tells him that I will come over after work to see what's wrong. 

"We'll just buy a new one" his dad says.  This seems to be the answer to all.the.things lately.  Remember the remotes?  (they are REMARKABLY still working, btw)

"No, Dad, it's not that easy.  Surely will go over after work."

Then Kevin asks how he's feeling.  "Well, I only have oxygen for one leg."


Kevin asks for clarification.  "Well, I can only breathe for one leg. I don't have oxygen and I need oxygen."

Again, I say: WUT

After a lot of frustrating digging, it turns out that he can't walk as far as he used to.  He's short of breath after a bit.  "Have you called the doctor?" 

"Yes, I talked to the nurse and I'm waiting for them to call."

This is where I say: Never take this on face value.  Don't trust AND do verify.  We have heard this so much and it turns out that they called for an appointment and didn't state what was happening.  Or they ask to talk to the doctor and of course the doctor isn't available so....

I suggested to have Kevin's brother text the cardiologist to make sure she knew what was happening.

Fast forward a few hours and I pass my f-i-l leaving for town.  I walked over and there is my m-i-l with no phone. GREAT.  Good thing I came home early.

I verified that it wasn't working and restarted it.  It worked.  I fiddled with some settings and restarted it again and it worked.  I believe she managed to put it in airplane mode, again.

She mentions that the battery doesn't charge/last.  This phone is a flip phone and it's about two years old. This seems unlikely.  So we walk through exactly what happens. I asked that they made sure it was plugged in all the way, that the dog I hate didn't chew the cord, and that she's CERTAIN it has been charged.  Everything is perfect, she assures me.

"I will just buy a new one" she says.  See? It's the answer to everything.

"No, it's not that easy.  First: it's on my account so I am the one buying it.  Second, let's make sure it's an actual problem." 

She ante's up with:  "I can't hear the ringer."  This is actually something I can fix.

I changed it to a louder tone and set the vibration feature to work.  I swear I did this when I set it up but who knows what has happened since then.  Because: airplane mode. On a flip phone.

When I wondered if it was perhaps not the phone that had a volume issue, she got a tiny bit annoyed.  Because it couldn't possibly be that the television is on SHOUT or that she slept through the phone ringing.

So, again, I say that we'll give it a day or so before we go buying new phones.  I reiterate that I am the one who buys it and not them.  "But you have to tell us and not wait until it's an emergency."  She frowns because that's what we do when we don't get our way.  You would think she'd know that I am immune to that nonsense.

"Now, where did Dad go?"

"Oh he went to the pharmacy to get some new pills. The doctor called  them in."

"What are they for?"

"Oh, well, he's been having really high blood pressure."


Instead, I took a breath and said "Okay, let's keep an eye on it then or we have to go to the doctor."

I texted Kevin that I fixed their phone but I didn't mention the blood pressure. I'll wait until he phones to let me know he's on the way home.  Then he can go next door for an update instead of trying to  interpret crazyparent-ese over the phone.

And...this is where I say that she was sundowning and it wasn't even 3:00 pm.  And that she was still in her bathrobe. 

Nothing is easy anymore.

17 February 2020

While Being Burnt by the Flames

So...I have avoided talking about the current situation in the U.S. because it feels futile.  It doesn't feel safe for free speech anymore, and it is overwhelming.

I don't think this feeling is unique to any specific side, I believe both sides are perhaps feeling the same way. The difference being is one side has a slightly more percentage of population.  We can wade into the informed versus the uninformed or misled but I am not going to go  there either.

What's terrifying to me is watching the demise of progress that not only the early 2000's brought but also the progress that has occurred since the 1960's.  I can comfort myself that polices can be reinstated, replaced or recreated.  It has to be acknowledged that what in less than four years has been undone will take decades to address.

It was explained that there is a demographic (or a mixture of demographics) that are terrified of what the world looks like right now. It doesn't look like the Happy Days, the Waltons, or even Family Ties, Home Improvement, and Full House.  Women are working, women are independent, children are smart and incredibly verbal and no longer silent or invisible. Families consist of all configurations, not just man-wife-child. People are allowed to be openly who they are and that doesn't look the same as it used to.  The balance of caucasians and minorities are more equal than ever before.

It is understood that as generations age out, the world will be more accepting and open.  However, what has been discovered is that those outdated morals and ideas have been passed down more than anticipated. The new generations have been emboldened by the current administration like never before.  Because now it is okay to be open about a person's hatred and ignorance.  It's okay to be violent either with your words or your actions.  It is okay because our leaders accept it and have encouraged it.

What's specifically scary and puzzling to me is that these same demographics cling to their beliefs yet their beliefs in no way support this kind of behavior. Love thy neighbor, turn the other cheek, therefore by the grace of god go I.  Then add fear, ignorance, greed and violence. The news media and social media with it's misinformation and hyperbole just adds fuel to the flames. 

Yet as afraid as that demographic is of the changing world, the folks with differing opinions are just as scared that the world that they have fought to create feels like it is disappearing.

This isn't just about policy, This isn't about party versus party.  This is about racism, sexism, greed. This is about glorifying/worshiping bad behavior.  This is quite literally risking the republic, the environment and it's citizens.

It feels like the world is on fire and folks are enjoying the heat even though they're being burnt by the flames.


15 February 2020

Happy Easter

We don't usually do a big thing for Valentine's Day.  It really depends on what day it lands on in the week, what's happening in the family, and of course, what our finances are.  So we have done nothing but eat take-out at home to staying overnight at a resort.

This year was kind of a cluster, in a funny way.

Kevin texted on Monday or Tuesday "If you want to make reservations, better do it soon."  With no context, in the middle of the work day.  So, I was all "What is he talking about? Are we going on the ferry?"  So I texted "???" and he texted "C'mon, seriously?" 

I actually had to look at the calendar. Then I felt dumb and bad that he was being thoughtful ahead of time and I was all "uhhhh"

We talked and I explained that it was probably too late to make reservations and most places that we go to wouldn't require them.  He said he would call anyway and I kind of forgot about it, honestly.

I did get a card on Tuesday but we don't do gifts at this point of life so I figured I was good to go.

Fast forward to Friday.  I wished him Happy Valentines on the social media and as he was leaving for work.  Then, again, didn't think about it again.  Fridays there is no direct service at work so it's not like there were kids and families around to remind me.

Most of the office went to lunch about 11:30 so I was alone in the office.  I took the opportunity to turn my music up and get some real work done.  About an hour later, one of my coworkers returned and called out "Surely, I have something for you!" 

I walked out of my office and there is my father-in-law, holding flowers.  What?  They had left roses at the house the other day as a thank you so color me confused.

"Well, if you would answer your phone, you would know your husband is trying to give you flowers!"   He goes to explain that Kevin was going to surprise me at lunch but couldn't leave work.  He arranged for my f-i-l to deliver flowers to my office.

Except the office was locked and I wasn't answering my phone. NEAT.

Kevin's dad told the whole story for everyone to hear then turned to leave "Happy Easter!!" he calls out.  Sigh...yes, Happy Easter.  Bless his misfiring brain.  He was so pleased to be in on the shenanigans though. 

Hooray, because: flowers!!!  Except that my f-i-l bought the arrangement he usually buys for my m-i-l.  It has lilies in it, which I am really super allergic to.  Because of course.  So I left them in the main office and STILL had to take an antihistamine and the inhaler.

I felt proud, yet a little guilty as I listened to people exclaim over the flowers then feel disappointed that their person hadn't done so.  Two of the other women had flowers delivered by the end of the day so that was nice.

Once Kevin got home from work, he realized that he didn't buy a card.  Because of the flowers and the failed lunch plans, he had checked off Valentine's Day responsibilities off his list. He felt really badly and offered to stop at the store before going to dinner.  I laughed and declined the offer.  Really, it fit in with how this whole holiday had gone.

We had dinner at our regular date night place, which is nice and low-key.   We skipped dessert, went to bed early and we both actually slept in today.  That is after Lucy launched herself into the middle of the bed at 5:00  this morning. 

So, while not Space Travel, and not nothing but somewhere in between, the day was lovely.  Well done, Kevin.

And I promise to answer my phone next time (*shaking my head because probably won't*)

14 February 2020

Appreciate the Day

Today is one of those days where people seem to be remarkably happier or  sadder.  Like, there is a distinct difference in attitude and there is a gulf between the two.

I am pro Valentines Day.  I believe that any opportunity to share love with someone is important.  I also believe that Valentines should not just be a holiday for romantic love.

I don't enjoy Mother's Day, it's not a day I can participate in. Yes, I can get pissy about it sometimes but I do try to keep it to myself.  I do try to appreciate the other mothers in my life.  It's that same principle that I apply to Valentines Day.

Anyway, one of my friends posted this on social media today and I really liked it:

Image may contain: possible text that says '"Take a moment to appreciate and honor all the different kinds of love you have in your life instead of focusing on the one kind you don't have." Mandy Hale Hale'

Happy Valentine's Day, Everyone.  Celebrate love any way that makes you feel happy.  Candlelight dinner, binge watching Friends, at the bar, deep in a bathtub...just be safe and appreciate the happy

11 February 2020

Grateful for Puddles

This morning I woke up with a cold/asthma.  Not that I didn't have asthma before but I'm new to it so sussing out what-symptom-is-what is a challenge.

After sending Kevin off to work, I went back to bed and fell asleep.  I snoozed my alarm until it wouldn't anymore. (I swear my cell phone is sentient.)  Then I laid there and contemplated how much I needed to get up.  Twenty minutes later and I'm now super late for work.

Like a grown-ass-adult I pouted in the shower and contemplated how badly I needed my job. Badly because I like nice things like a roof and food.

But you can't make me dress like an adult today.  For real, though.  Hoodie and sneakers.  If I'm going, I'm going on my terms.  To be fair, I knew I wasn't doing direct service today or any meetings.

We've endured snow, rainstorms for days, flooding and landslides and the general yukkiness that is January and February in the beautiful PNW.  We are over it.

I went outside to discover that even though it was cold, it was remarkably lighter.  There was a lot of fog and mist but I could see...light.  The further I travelled, the less dense the fog became and I could see the sun. The SUN!!  (and if this isn't a metaphor for my life, then I'm not a writer)

I stopped to get coffee because it's a rule that coffee is required, regardless of tardiness.

I noticed that the fog was still lingering along the river.  I thought "I bet it's pretty" then thought "But you need to get to work, you're late."  My response to myself "Meh, I'm already late..."

Employee of the Year award is mine *shaking my head*

I went to the only park I like in the Valley.  I've taken photographs there in every season. (see the Christmas and Thanksgiving posts)  Due to the rain and flooding, it was muddy so I carefully picked my way around puddles and mud to the trail and eventually to the river.

Eleventyteen photos later, I decided it was time to actually go to work.  I repeated avoiding the puddles and mud and got back into the truck.  While I looked at the photos I just took, I noticed something.  Something...not happy...

Sonofabiscuiteatingdog.  DOG POO. DOG POO ON MY SHOE.

And no resources to remove it. Sometimes Karma is instant, folks.

I got back out of the truck, dismayed to say the least.

I went out into the wet, wet grass and dragged my shoe back and forth.  It helped but still a mess.
I grabbed a stick and scraped but that seemed to worsen the situation.
Returning to the truck, I grabbed tens of napkins and tried in vain to clean my shoe.
And yes: no way to clean my hands.  SUPER.

I'm annoyed but laughing at myself now. My next options are to go into work and walk into my office in socks or return home to get another pair of shoes.  Neither of these are very viable options.  I could hear Kevin's parents "Why are you home again? Are you sick?"  No thank you.

What to do...what to do...

Remember I mentioned picking my way past oh, you know, PUDDLES?  Yeah...sometimes I can be smart, it just takes a minute.

I jumped back out of the truck, rolled up my cuffs and waded into the puddle.  Like a preschooler.

If someone saw me, I'm sure they questioned my mental health.  As did I.

A few attempts later and I was at least able to get back into the truck.  While driving to work, I'm trying to problem solve as to how to completely remedy this mess.  The staff bathroom is in the middle of the entire building so it requires walking down a long hallway. At least because I am late, there will be fewer people.

I've entered into Suck it Up, Buttercup territory at this point.

I made it into the staff bathroom undetected. The universe had decided I'd been adequately punished and no one was in the bathroom either.  I took my shoe off and rinsed it in the sink and wiped it clean until the shoe was damp.  That should be pleasant to wear all day, I tell myself.

Then I scrubbed the sink clean because I'm not an animal and went into my office like nothing had ever happened this morning.

Until I realized that I had a package of Wet-wipes in the console of the truck.  Sigh.

And I had to go to a clinic to pick up needed forms.

But look:

Totally worth the dog poo

10 February 2020

Ghost: the Sequel

There were a few things that I remembered about becoming a ghost.  Things that I am surprised that I have forgotten. Hooray for the passage of time!  But these were pretty big ones:

I cut my hair.  Some of it was stress and some of it was making a change.

I didn't answer the phone anymore.  This was the time of landlines and answering machines. No caller ID or cell phones.  To be honest, screening calls is still a habit.

I didn't order take-out or delivery with my name.  I didn't pick up items in stores under my name.

I nearly changed my surname to a new name.  As it was, my former husband tried to prevent me from using my maiden name.  So it was written into the divorce paperwork specifically that I would not retain his surname.  Even though it didn't need to be, because my lawyer had a sense of humor and really enjoyed outsmarting him.

I've copy/pasted the original post below to provide a one-stop-shopping list for anyone who finds this useful.  And added these to the original post.

How to Become a Ghost

A question that arose last year was "How did you disappear?"  Because
I won that hide and seek game, back in the day.   In a small town where everyone knows everyone and their second cousin, it is difficult.  But possible.
I was thinking about that question and realized that it might be helpful to share; just in case someone ever finds themselves in that kind of situation.  I really had to think about it because it's been a million years.  Essentially it boils down to: you have to change everything. 

Let's begin at the beginning:

The lawyer's advice was to move out of town.  When that wasn't an acceptable option, he plainly said "Then you have to disappear."  He meant: change friends, drop your family, change your job, move.  Cast off anything that connected you to you.

But here's the things you don't think about:

Job: I did eventually change jobs because the stress of it all made it not my choice.  I eventually started working in a different county and that effectively made me into a ghost.

Grocery shopping.  You have to change stores or change your shopping habits.  I used to go later at night, for example.  I changed stores and changed the times that I went.  I figured out how to go in lesser-used entrances of stores. Think of entering via the garden center or whatever.

Shopping in general: go at weird hours, go with someone. There is split thinking about parking: park close so a person can come and go quickly or park in the back and walk.  That way if someone was coming in or out, you weren't easily spotted and you can be aware of people coming and going. 

Favorite restaurants are also a no-go. Because people remember where your favorite pizza place is.  Bars, if that's your thing, are a hard pass.  Legal paperwork often prevents you from being in establishments with alcohol.

Church.  I wasn't going at the time but it was definitely not a place I could ever go again.

Driving: know that you're not going into certain neighborhoods anymore.  I didn't go to friends houses, or even to my family for a long while.  Change your route home or to work, or both.  It wasn't a possibility for me but change cars.  Have someone else drive.

Clothing: Don't wear your favorite coat, because everyone knows it.

Events:  Fairs, festivals, shows, those are off the Things to Do list also.  I became a little bit of a hermit for about a year.

Even with those changes, I was still around.  I was still found.  Someone will always talk.  I had to learn that friends weren't always friends. They were sometimes just spies.

And, this was before the internet, social media, and cell phones. I can't imagine how difficult it would be to do this in these times.

My take-away is that you have to do what works for you.  I was "lucky" in that I was absorbed into a completely different life and eventually was able to completely disappear.  I recognize that not everyone is so lucky.

09 February 2020


Sometimes I lose a little bit of time. This last week was one of those times.  It's very odd and of course, I don't enjoy it.  It's an odd sense of time travel but I don't know where I've been. When it passes, it feels like someone turned on a light. 

I mean, I still went to work, did my chores and errands, lived my life.  I just don't know where the actual time went.  It's ... fuzzy.  Like when you arrive home from work and have no recollection of the commute.

Today I am trying to figure out what's what  So I sat down at my desk to find something specific. I found it but I also found all of this *gesturing across my desk*  I did our taxes last weekend and I've written a bit so it's not like I haven't entered this room in weeks. Contrary to the evidence before us. Again: the fun of losing time.

There is one drawer in my desk for bills, projects, and stuff that needs putting away but not yet.  Well, this drawer is a little bi-polar right now. And I think that's why this is drawer has this designated purpose.

I found:
Birthday and Christmas cards. It's February.
Timeslips for the racecar from 2019 and 2013, that I don't know why I have them
Photos I meant to frame but that usually go into a different drawer
Voting ballot and insurance paperwork that needs processing
Filing from hell
Digital thermometer
Broken mouse from the racecar computer

This is just the perfect encapsulation of my brain sometimes.

Then Kevin needed a wiring diagram found and printed so I did that.  New laptop so it took a minute but now that's one more thing set-up so it's an over-all win.

I think I got my clock turned around a little, like babies do.  With the holidays, snow days, long weekends and winter break, I think my inner-clock became confused.  Last night because I wanted to photograph the full moon, I stayed up.  I made myself go to sleep at 2:00 am then got up at the regular time.  And I'm not tired.  Let's hope that is the fix.

As to helpful suggestions that you've probably thought (as I would too) Yes, I've been eating well, sorta to exercising, keeping in touch with friends.  It's just a lapse that I don't notice until it's done. And I've researched that it's a thing.  I'm not (much) crazy.

But really: if I'm time-traveling: I want to remember that sh*t. 

I say this every time: the carpet is not pink.

01 February 2020

Kicky Boots

They're a little pirate-y and I like that.

This is the first pair of boots I've been able to wear since 2012, when I broke my foot off from my leg.  It took multiple tries to find the correct style that would accommodate all the needs of that leg.
And patience that I don't possess building up to being able to wear them for more than a few hours.

It occurs to me that these boots really show the All or Nothing that is my personality.  Pirate boots or Converse sneakers.  There is no in between. hahahaha.