The Zombies are Back

You know when you notice a song you've heard hundreds of times and you're all "Wait..." and you listen again and again. I had that happen the other day and then another thing happened AND then this morning I had one of those mind-blown moments. It was one of those moments where you just think "Oh, I get it."

While at work, I listen mostly to SIRIUS/XM. I like it because I can bounce around channels to suit my mood. ANYWAY, they played Zombies by the Bad Wolves. (which I'm assuming the band is Doctor Who fans. Don't correct me) It's a remake of the Cranberries song and truth be told, I like it better than the original. Click here, if you're curious: Zombies

My head is dark and twisty right now. In case you hadn't picked that up just yet. This is how we got here:

About a month ago, Kevin found my former husband on the social media. Kevin wasn't looking for him, he unfortunately came up as a friend suggestion. Because the universe has a Sense of Humor dogdamnit. He was a little hesitant to tell me and then asked if I wanted to see his photo.

My initial response was what it has been for years "No, eff that guy." But I have wondered what he looks like now. Because I have no idea and that's terrifying. I could see him and not know who he is. Like a bad Lifetime television movie.

He showed me and I wouldn't have recognized him at all. This is good and bad, I suppose. I had no feelings about it except the pre-existing condition of "Eff that guy." Then I looked at his profile once to see where he worked. I wanted to make sure that I never went there, in case it was a brick and mortar place. He's a truck driver so that is unlikely. So: relief.

I'd like to say I never thought about it again but of course I did. I told my BFF and then forced myself to not think about it again.

AND THEN (no, I still haven't seen him)

I finally reached out to the friend who I've been meaning to and keep dithering about. My hesitation was opening that whole can of worms because we were friends during that time period. She was one of the people who were ghosted. I've seen her once? since then and it was at a funeral so not the place for catching up.

We talked on the phone, during the work day, and mostly it was good. It's always good to talk to old friends and it's funny how people fall into patterns and shorthand even though a significant period of time has passed.

However, I'm (perhaps stupidly) surprised how affected I am by that conversation. I don't know why I am because I shouldn't be and that's adding to the frustration. Instead of using his name like I have here in the past, I will revert back to how I used to refer to him: Satan. Because that's the image that is back in my head.

The Zombies are Back.

She asked about Satan, asked if we ever talk. Ugh, that is such a tough one for me to answer without feeling/seeming melodramatic. I explained that legally we will never, ever, be in contact ever again. Ever. She said something and I clarified "No, like within 500 feet of me or he's going to jail kind of thing. It's very serious." This is where it occurs to me "Wow, she doesn't KNOW."

I'm sure time erased some things, and I know that she really didn't know a lot of what happened because of the disappearing act. I summed it up that I was told to disappear and so I did. She was kind of quiet then I explained that I have had this same conversation with a mutual friend and how it was really difficult, even after all of this time. She accepted it all at face value, which was nice.

And then said I can tell you a story about Satan.

I said yes, mostly out of reflex and because I didn’t think that it would be upsetting. I thought it would be some sort of weird whatever. Dude, I was wrong. Super Wrong.

It was a terrible story. TERRIBLE. Can't even make a joke about it because TERRIBLE.  It was confirmation and reminder of why I have that restraining order and that he never changed. UGH. Talk about secondary trauma. That was the only time that I thought "I shouldn't have called."

Because it takes me some time to process in "heightened circumstances", I realized a few things over the weekend:

She still talked to Satan and had his phone number and he hers.
She had no idea about that time - to the point of asking if we ever talked
That this seems totally normal to her and the story she told is NOT NORMAL
My memory is still so fuzzy about that time.
I hate that Satan is back in my head.
I hate that he is still drunk, crazy and violent. And still perpetuating said violence.

So, temporarily the zombies are back. The bad dreams are back and the vigilance is back.

This time though: I have people. I have things to say in my head until it goes away. This time I know it's temporary.

Despite all of THAT: overall it was nice to reconnect. It's nice to talk to people who know who I used to be. It's nice to talk about the fun things that happened back then instead of the drama. It's nice to replace the bad with the good. It's like a weird sort of dementia, sometimes I'll remember and sometimes I just...don't. So it's usually happy to be reminded.

For now, I just have to remember the Zombies are all in my head.