Setting It All on Fire

 The nursing director at the facility is NO LONGER WORKING THERE.  The absolute relief I feel is immense!!!  Now, let me tell you how I learned that.

But first, also, I have to mention that the social worker from the facility sent Kevin a friend request on the social media and NOT ME.  AND that I had messaged her with details of the memorial and NO ANSWER. BUT that she did answer Kevin's text that she was attending the memorial.  AND THEN she no-showed, no-called.   Kevin was the main point of contact but she did have a pseudo-relationship with me as well. I was the one who suggested to find us on social media!  So, that's....odd. Perhaps, did she catch feelings?

Okay, resume:

What had happened was:

Two weeks ago I made a report to DSHS against the facility.  First I called and just asked questions.  I was pretty sure it was going to get screened out so I wanted to know if I was wasting my time even trying.  I wasn't, I learned, but they were going to phone me back to do an intake then didn't. 

So I just went online and made a report that was a more succinct version of the letter we provided to the Ombudswomen.  They called about an hour later to verify my information and let me fill in the blanks.  They said that they'll review it then let me know via mail.  I told the first person that I imagined it will get screened out but I felt compelled to make a report all the same and they were encouraging.  Like it says in the Mandating Reporting training: you don't know how many prior reports there have been and that your report could suddenly tip the scale into action.  I also said to the second person that "we just don't want anyone else to have that experience with their mom or dad AND that I feel badly for the people who don't have people advocate for them"

Also, I believe the facility will be notified that a report was lodged and that's delicious.

Next was I was going to send a formal letter to the corporate office of the facility, of which I was going to cc the executive director of the facility.  But I needed a mailing address.  I did a search and discovered there is a Regional Office in the big city down south.

I phoned them to ask for guidance about sending a letter and spoke for almost an hour to a lovely lady named Bobbi.  She notified me that Director of Nursing no longer works there!!!  I told her that I was so relieved to hear that and just that change will hopefully prevent some of the problems we experienced from happening again.  She asked if I still wanted to file a grievance and I said YES.  So I tried to summarize it but there's So Much and we've met me when I get on a roll.  

Again, I was able to mention that I felt like just the removal of the Nursing Director will be an improvement.  HOWEVER, we felt strongly that the executive director needs additional training and gave a few examples (allowing d.o.n. to be unprofessional, saying she relies on d.o.n. because she doesn't know this population that she serves, wishes SHE had power of attorney for her parents, etc.)  I praised the nurses who cared for him and acknowledged that they were hindered by a broken system.

I also got a little dig in about the attempted moving in of a third person into his original room. I stated that I understand budgets and bottoms lines, however "He's a HOSPICE patient, let's add another person to a difficult situation!  And have we learned NOTHING from the pandemic?"

At the end, she was appalled and to her credit, genuinely upset that we had that experience. Her reaction felt sincere and I hope it wasn't just fake courtesy.  She stated that at first, she was just going to put it through the grievance system but by the end she said she's taking it directly to the Regional Manager who will start an investigation.  Whew!  AND that my "testimony"  will be shared with the Executive Director of the facility.    She asked that I email her the grievance letter (three PAGES) so it could be added to the documentation.  HELL YES.    She said that there will be a follow-up for me, so here's hoping.

I sent that right away then texted the Hospice Nurse that I had filed a report with DSHS and a complaint with the Regional Office.  I got heart emoji's from the Hospice Nurse in response.  I'm certain she's prevented from specifically commenting but I wanted her to know that I kept my promise.

Oh, AND...I mentioned to Bobbi that I had called to make a report to DSHS-APS and she was HAPPY that I did that.  I thought she would be upset or whatever but she was actually encouraging.  I mentioned that I was a Mandated Reporter and explained that this should have happened sooner but you know, all the dying and stuff slowed the process.

Kevin said after his dad passed that he wasn't sure about doing all of this and I was a little stunned. I mean..what?  I said that we don't want any of the other families to have this experience and he agreed. He doesn't want the nurses and social worker (yes, I singsonged that name as I typed) to have unintended consequences. So, *whispering*  I'm just going to tell him about the report to the Regional Office because he'll enjoy hearing that Director of Nursing is no longer there. I mean, I get that he just wants to move on but seriously, we don't want this situation to continue.

Then at the party, we visited with one of the cousins who is a Director of Nursing for a major metropolitan hospital.  Kevin had called her for guidance in the past so we were thanking her for helping us through the whole thing.  I told her that it all came down to the facility had not put the Hospice Care Plan into place at all.  She said that she had suspected as much but professionally could not say that at the time.  

By this time, Kevin had wandered away and I leaned into the cousin, conspiratorially, and said "I made a report to the DSHS-APS AND to the regional office of the facility."  Her eyes got big and she said "Good job" but I also think she might be a little scared of me now.  I shared that I'm a Mandated Reporter so when all was said and done, I was required to.

I have USPS informed delivery and I saw that the response from the state was supposed to be delivered on Monday.  It was not.  Not on Tuesday or Wednesday, Thursday or Friday.  I reported it lost via the USPS website but we all know that is going nowhere.  

Instead, I phoned them to report that the letter had never arrived.  I mentioned that because of the circumstances (his passing), I imagine that it will be screened out but at least it's on record.  They were emphatic that with this branch of DSHS, they Do NOT screen reports out; all reports are followed through. (That's a relief and also frustrating because for the other end of the age spectrum, they do screen out.) Also, that the missing letter just notifies me of a case number and caseworker assigned.  It gave me the opportunity to provide the update that the d.o.n. was no longer at the facility and that a grievance had been filed with the facility regional office and that we still wanted to follow through with a report.

Now, we wait for the follow-up on all of that.

  And the facility executive director  will absolutely know that I'm working in the background airing all her deficiencies.  I said I was going to set things on fire when this was done and here we go.  

$700,000 - A Raising Parents Saga

 You guys. Seriously.  You guys.  My gawd.  You thought we were done.

So, I just got off the phone with a lawyer from the father-in-law's car insurance company.  Yes, lawyer and yes, insurance company.

Cast your mind back to two years ago, just short of one month of two years ago but let's say: TWO YEARS AGO.

When my father-in-law had a rear-ender car accident that resulted in his van being totaled.  Shortly after that, he landed in the facility for the remainder of his life.  Remember that?

*exasperated sigh*

The driver he hit is suing his insurance for nearly a quarter of a million dollars.

I mean...

I listened to the lawyer explain that he was just assigned the case and that the file is thick and he hasn't had time to glean much information other than the basic facts.  He was calling me, as the Power of Attorney and point-of-contact to let me know that proceedings have begun to sue and to verify information.

I had to count to ten in my head before I replied, seriously.  "Well, I have to let you know that he's dead. He died a month ago."  My tone was calm but sniper calm.

He paused, gave the obligatory condolences, and says basically "This changes things but the PROCESS will continue regardless."  He explains that they will go after the estate once the insurance pays out what the coverage states the limit is. ($100,000 btw)

I scoffed and said "Well, not only is he dead, he is broke.  We had to spend every penny and sell everything he had to get him onto Medicaid and into a facility.  Good.Luck.With.That.  He is literally 'dead broke'."

He mentioned something about allegations so I asked him to elaborate.  The driver is claiming that they have had $30,000+ worth of medical bills and is looking at $50,000 in additional medical bills for concussion, shoulder, and anguish plus loss of income.  He was subtly eye-rolling the list as he was telling me.

I explained that was reported to me as: it was a simple accident. They were driving a luxury full-size SUV and that it seems like my dad's 15 year old minivan took more damage than they did.  Also, that the insurance agent was on the scene afterward and reported that the other driver was hysterical to the point the first responders put them in an ambulance because they couldn't communicate with them.  Then I encouraged the lawyer to please reach out to the insurance agent for details because again: my dad is dead.

So, if you did the math above, that is not $700,000 worth of medical bills.  The insurance actually covers her medical bills and stated future medical bill estimate,  AS SHOULD THIER OWN GDAMN INSURANCE.  They are asking for $600,000 damages and all that.

Sigh.

The lawyer mentioned, a little derisively, that they had hired one of those As Seen On TV law firms and this is what they do; ask for much more than what is morally and ethically owed.  He mentioned it, and of course I searched for them.  It is definitely the bus-stop law firm.

Anyway, the lawyer mentions again that the insurance will cover up to $100,000 and anything over than that, the estate will have to pay.  I laughed and asked "With what?"  He said that was the thing, it should end there because the estate has no assets.  But they can still try to bill the estate.  TO WHICH, I said "Then I will pay them with monopoly money."

The lawyer paused, then laughed, and said "I will send you a stamp."

So, that just happened.  There's nothing I/we can do but wait for the lawyers to fight it out and reach an agreement. 

This is never going to end.

Finally, June

Head Tilt

 (my brain or autocorrect typed "held tilt" instead of Head Tilt.  Hopefully this makes sense now.

Yesterday I had a work meeting, well two actually.  More on that in a minute.

This is my first real peopling experience since Dad died and I didn't think about it at all beforehand.

As I'm driving to the college, where I've been to and been past thousands of times, I felt it start. The mthr effing grief.  I drove past where my grandfather's house used to be and is now a strip mall of offices.  I made a left instead of a right to go to the facility, as I've been doing the past two years.  I'm looking at the mountain that I looked at every single day of my life until age nineteen.  I attended this college for a short time when I was eighteen.

So, I'm having big feelings before I even get out of my car.  I met an advocate from work as I walked toward the building so that distracted me from the big feelings for a minute.

We went into the conference room and I sat next to my job partner and next to a colleague whom I've recently gotten to know a little better because of *all of this*  Job partner knows to just act normal, we're wired very similarly.  Colleague is chill as well.

Male Colleague enters the room and sees me, and looks visibly surprised at my presence.  He does the head-tilt, soft "How are you doing?" and to my surprise, I got teary.  Brushed it off with "Doing okay, just getting through it"  He continues with sympathy/empathy and I have to focus on breathing.  Don't get me wrong, it's appreciated and he was wholly appropriate and kind.

Then others enter and it breaks the moment.  Colleague who is chill quietly says "I kept the seat next to me open so you could sit here.  That way you're blocked from people and safe, if you want."  It was so thoughtful and appreciated and something that I didn't even consider when I rsvp'd to this meeting.

Next up is the Director and she simply said it was nice to see me and hoped I was doing well.  Caring yet objective.

We get through the meeting and lunch is provided.  The Mental Health Consultant is there as well and sure enough was in line next to me while we're getting lunch.  Head-tilt #2 "How are you doing?"  I said that I was "Doing okay, just getting through it.  Hey, I like your haircut and YES, that is a deflection."

Because I'm not crying in this stupid meeting.  Again, heart was in the right place and doing her actual job by checking in.  But she doesn't know me well and sigh.

So, we are getting lunch and chatting when it's announced that the Advocate meeting was after lunch.  Normally I attend those so I look at my job partner like "What?"  She said "You don't need to attend, you can bail.  We weren't going to ask you this time."  Omg, stop being nice, it's killing me.

I stayed through the relevant part of the meeting and after I finished my update, I mentioned "Oh, by the way, even though I've had a lot of time off due to illness and death, I will be out for the next week on vacation."  Positive comments all around and someone mentioned "You never take time off..."  I replied that "It feels weird taking vacation when I work from HOME" which garnered a round of "That's silly! Take vacation!" etc.  Which then also was ended with job partner stating "You've been through A LOT this year, take your time, dammit."

Kindness mixed with sass, it was appreciated.

So, that was super fun and unexpected.  That's the way of grief, it likes to surprise you like that.

For reference: Sympathetic Head Tilt link

Unpublished Draft

Started 4/30/2014

What had happened was: Nephew has Crohn's Disease and spent four (?) months in the hospital, three of which were at University of Washington Medical Center.  He went septic at the local hospital and was med-flighted to Seattle.

This is a year plus two weeks since I'd broken my foot off of my leg at work. (freak accident) and spent two days in the hospital and 60 days bedrest and six month recovery.  Then my s-i-l was in a terrible accident on the freeway at the tail end of the above two incidents. (hurt but not Hurt Hurt)

And I think this was right when I started to realize that I shouldn't drive at night anymore.

We went racing for the first time this year.  This is the latest start that we have gotten, ever. Not even with me all broken up last year.

It didn't go as well as we'd hoped, after spending the off season upgrading but it's not like there was anything bad happening, we just had a glitch. We just had to concentrate on personal best and remind ourselves that we're still pretty cool, just not as cool as we had hoped.

The Nephew was able to come with us so that was another step toward normal.  He still weighs in the 150 pound area so watching friends that hadn't seen him yet was heart breaking.  As much as we try to explain (warn) people, a person just can't imagine it.

We got to hang out with our friends and that in and of itself was healing.  We still see them in the off-season but being able to spend three days with them was wonderful.

I was able to ride up with Kevin on Friday so we got our truly only alone time in a long while.  Yes, we live in house together but all it takes is a phone ring, puppy bark, the sound of feet in the gravel or the shop door opening and all is interrupted.

I'm still on strike over camping at the racetrack because I'm 44 years old and that seems ridiculous. (the camping and the 44 years old thing, both equally ridiculous) So, I came home alone one night and both of us one night.  I like to drive so the trip back and forth is a treat for me. Crossing the border doesn't bother me at all.  I just have a book in case I ever get stuck in a back-up.  Some of the border guards say "Welcome Home" when we come back and it's strangely very nice to hear.

P.S.

I'm now 57 yrs. old.  We're not racing competitively anymore and everything has changed (obvs).  But: I can drive at night again and everyone is healed.

There's Nothing - Raising Parents Prologue

 Okay, so it's been two weeks.  It has had it's moments for sure and like everyone says: it's usually not the big things that get overwhelming.

Today I approved the headstone, yesterday I got the phone call that they had been interred.  Today I got notification that Social Security is taking back it's money - as they should.  I returned his pacemaker via fedex, something I wouldn't have thought of until I opened the box I brought home to make sure I didn't forget anything.  His phone has completely disappeared from our bill, as if it never existed. I have to think that the very kind woman I spoke with months ago at the carrier just clicked a button to make that happen.

His doctor sent a condolence card.  The cardiologist sent a note via his MyChart, which went dark before I could read it.  The ombudswomen sent condolences via email.  The advocate texted us a few times.  And...nothing from the facility.  Shocking.

The "party" has been scheduled and announced.  It's on 6/7 and if you have school age children, you just groaned.  But it made me laugh in the moment.  We don't know if everyone is going to show or just a few.  The cousins all live elsewhere now and there are no aunts or uncles who can attend. (dead, in a facility, or too far to drive)  We're at that milestone of our lives now.

I learned that listening to Luke Combs was not my best idea.  He has two songs that are dead dad songs so that was super fun for me while I'm assembling a patio coffee table on the kitchen floor wishing my father-in-law was next door to help me.

I returned to work early, as did Kevin.  We both just needed normalcy.  We needed a schedule and predictability.  Then my work, which is usually not sentimental, sent a signed card and today I received a care package from the wellness group.  I'm not crying, you're crying.

So, the point of that recap is the busyness is kind of a gift when a death happens. It gives you things to do and plan and think about other than the Bad Thing That Happened.  But now, it's mostly all done.  What's left is ceremonial, if you will.  After that...there's nothing.

We're orphans.  One usually thinks of Annie or Oliver Twist when you hear orphans. Or of children, but feeling orphaned as an adult is a particular kind of sad. It's just us now. Even though they were dependent on us for the past four years, there was a comfort of having parents.  And now there's nothing.

It's Over - A Raising Parents Update

 Okay, hi hello.

So, for everyone who has been reading along, one would think that we would be "Ohhh, finally..." when my father-in-law finally passed.  And you would be right.  Except...

When Kevin got the call from Hospice, he was running equipment.  He said he listened and when they said the words, he sat back and exclaimed "WHAT!?!" in surprise.

Because what had happened was: we were expecting it.  The nurse at the facility had said it was starting to happen.  The Hospice nurse was more tentative but agreed, because He Had Tricked Us Before. So we were aware.

Yet when you hear the words, it's disconcerting.  There's a tiny bit of relief, there's loss. But it's still a shock.  Then if you're wired like Kevin and I, there's "What's next?"

The previous week his dad had been steadily declining and we were wondering how he could possibly go on much longer.  Yet, he was.  We saw him on Sunday and knew it was happening.  He had entered into the Terminal Agitation phase, which gives a two-week window.  It's also said that it passes into a peaceful, coma-like state.  Yeah, no. He was angry up until the day before.  Like Angry angry.  Swatting/swinging at staff, kicking, angry.

We chose not to sit vigil.  Because of his agitated state - and the last year of him being angry at us - we felt it was better for all involved if we stayed away to give everyone a chance for as much peace as possible. (He demanded that Kevin take him home in one of their last conversations. Kevin lied and said he had to go back to work and couldn't)    Hospice and the facility agreed it was okay for us to skip this part.  Also and more importantly, we feel like he would have hated that, us sitting vigil.  He would have hated the past two years of his life, actually.

The social worker who loved him sat with him and walked him through to the next life.  We could not have asked for a better person for him to be with.  For as crappy as our experience was with the facility, she is amazing.

Everything was pre-arranged so Hospice just had to make a call to come get him.  The funeral home called us for a signature and most everything was finished.  (Tip fifty-eleven: if you're able, do pre-arrangements for your death.  We're going to make that a goal next year.  At the very least, write down all your wishes)

I spent yesterday in the car. Crying a little bit in the car.  I went to the facility to pick up his stuff and sign a form.  While waiting, I saw both the Executive Director and the Director of Nursing. I said a pleasant hello to the Executive Director and used her first name.  She said a friendly hello but clearly had ZERO IDEA who I was.  I didn't want her condolences but I expected them.  The Nursing Director did not acknowledge my presence until the third time she walked past me yet still didn't indicate she knew me.  Upon her retreat, I stuck my tongue out at her back.  To my pleasure, someone on staff saw me and stifled a giggle.

I met the Social Worker and we chatted as we walked the ridiculously long hallway to her office. I dropped off a big bag of mixed Dove Chocolates at the nurses desk with a thank you card and that distracted me from looking into my father-in-law's room.  (I'm certain it was already filled, as it should be)  

We went through his boxes and I took one small box. We donated his clothing and bedding to the facility.  Someone else can enjoy his sportsball shirts and have cozy flannel sheets.  There was a whopping $75 cash left from his account and she gave it to me.  I slid it back to her and said "Kevin says you more than earned this, buy yourself something pretty.  Or go to dinner.  Or go to the dollar store"  

And that's when the tears started.  She broke first then that broke me.  We hugged it out and I left.  But not before seeing one of his nurses as I went down the hallway.  I stopped and said who I was and her face fell.  She rubbed my shoulder and expressed condolences and now everyone's crying again.  

Next stop was the funeral home.  I was having a little deja vu because I was just there three years ago, almost to the date.  This funeral home is like something out of a Halloween Hallmark movie.  It's perfectly nice but it leans hard into the funeral home aesthetic.  

I signed more forms and picked him up. I chose a nice but plain wooden box, kind of like a manly jewelry box.  I mentioned that it was heavier than I expected.  She asked me if I needed help out to the car and I declined.  She helped with the door and asked again.  "What's the worst thing that could happen?" I asked, laughing "I would drop him?"

Dear readers, she was horrified.  HORRIFIED.  Which, because I'm wired different, made me laugh.

Next, I buckled him into the backseat of my car.  Mom was already buckled in and we were ready to go.  This funeral home is on the south side of the county and I was traveling to the north side of the next county north.  I had already bought a coffee and a car wash (which I'm sure Mom hated the car wash)  I knew in real she would like to take the scenic route there but she was stuck with the freeway and that's okay.

The cemetery is so far away and I always, always think that I took the wrong turn. But it's just far away.  And it's so lovely.  It's huge and pretty and quiet.  The funeral home portion isn't as staid as the other one and that's nice.  

Even though they were expecting me, she seemed surprised when I said that I was there to drop my parents off.  I know, I know, I Know, but humor is a defense mechanism.  First I brought in my f-i-l then had to go back out to the car to get my m-i-l.  I set her on the counter and the woman commented how beautiful her urn was.  So, of course, I told her the story about the person being hesitant to sell it to us and how it was on clearance, etc.  She looked at me and said "Seriously, this is one of the most beautiful ones I've ever seen."  So, that was good.

I signed more paperwork and it...was all done.  After three really hard years, it was all done.  Walking out to the car, it hit me: there's nothing to worry about, there's nothing to fix, there's nothing to think about.  For the first time in three years. Honestly, that was almost as hard as the loss of the people.

So, not one to dwell but also one to fuss a scab, I went and found their stillborn son's grave.  We had purchased a marker for him after Mom passed but I hadn't seen it installed.  It took me a minute because they had mown the grass but not cleared the clippings.  It needed cleaning so I went to the car and got water and a towel then  I talked to him for a minute while I cleaned. I will take clippers and a better cleaner when we return to see the parents headstone.

Once I got home, I left the box of Dad's stuff on the counter.  But the clutter bothered me so I went through it. (also, I didn't want Kevin to have to deal with it)  There was nothing super surprising or special.  His notepad of blood pressure readings and phone numbers (I didn't program his phone with all the numbers because he was being a butthead at the time)  His blood pressure cuff, his hearing aides - of which I've already lost one, and his watch.  All of the life he had (almost 88 years) and that was all the physical belongings left.  There's some realism, right there.

I had to call the pacemaker monitoring company to return his monitor.  I notified his doctors. I have to go mail notices to the credit bureaus and drop off the death certificate at the bank today.  Then I'm done with the paperwork and legal stuff.

The memorial will be here, at the siblings house, in a few weeks.  It will be the same as Mom's, unstructured with too much food.  The family is smaller now so we are not sure what to expect.  Until then, I will work on another photo album and the memorial card but that will be "easy", I have all the stuff I need from last time.

Now Kevin is back to work and I decided to go back tomorrow.  I had scheduled the week off but now I feel like I need normal and a schedule.  Not that I have any idea what normal is, or what it will look like now.

Married 67.5 years and lived well into their 80's
We should all be so lucky.

Finally, An End - A Raising Parents Update

Our dad joined the love of his life in whatever comes next after failing health and after dementia stole him away first. He passed mid-day April 30, 2026.

He was the giver of inappropriate nicknames, the sayer of nonsensical greetings, an awkward flirt, and the hardest-working man that you will ever meet.     

He leaves behind his two sons, their wives/his “daughters” ; his granddaughter and husband and their child; Grandson and wife and their children. He was beyond proud to welcome his great-grandson and namesake in 2016.

 He also leaves behind his brother and sister and many, many nieces and nephews.  He was predeceased by his parents, a newborn son, nieces, two sisters and one brother and many siblings-in-law and their spouses.  

He was born and grew up  in NW WA.  After the fourth grade; knowing he wasn’t wired for school, he quit and began to work odd jobs to help his family.  As legend has it, he began to drive truck hauling hay and was driving hay truck over the pass at fifteen years old. He said that he took that particular hay truck to his driver’s license test and that there was no driving test. Because when they asked what he drove to the appointment,  he pointed at the hay truck and they told him he didn’t need to complete the test, obviously.  

He married Mom on December 21st 1957 at the Knox Community Church. They celebrated their 65th wedding anniversary in December 2022, quietly with visits and calls from family and friends.  Mom passed shortly after their 66th anniversary.  They were inseparable and he gladly spent his retirement caring for her.

They bought their first house when the boys were small.  Later, they spent two years east of the mountains then returned home.  They lived in the Moody House for years with Aunt & Uncle then sold it after Uncle’s death and retired to the Family Compound in 2005.  They purchased their little dream house to sit between the boys properties, completing the compound.

 Upon moving with the family, he became the caretaker of the entire compound: mowing, building, fixing, helping in any way that he could; even when we didn’t want him to. There is not an inch of the compound that he hadn’t worked on.  He was happy and proud to be living with his sons and would tell everyone when he got the chance.

He was a career truck driver, hauling everything from hay to equipment to gravel. He achieved One Million Miles Driven while working at  (redacted) Trucking.  He was awarded Best Driver at (redacted) for making the most runs driving dump truck.  There’s not a vehicle he couldn’t drive and that love took him on many adventures.  When asked, he thought he’d been in all of the 48 states behind the wheel of a truck.  There wasn’t a harder worker than Dad and all it often took was to say “I don’t think you can…” and he would.

He was a jack of all trades and a master at few.  He could work on cars, build just about anything, make a garden, work with wiring and electricity, buck hay or truck tires, work on semi  trucks and help his sons with their racecars.

His proudest moments were hauling each of his son’s racecars down to the Las Vegas Motor Speedway and watching them race their cars. He spent those two weekends telling anyone who would listen how his sons were racing that weekend, all about their cars, and how proud he was of them.

There were few things he loved more than a project.   He would often ponder an idea then say “I was thinking…” which meant something was about to be built, repaired, or improved. Every family member probably has something that he has built; a deck or a bread box or cabinet or a whole shop.

He sold his one and only boat to buy Kevin a car when he was a teenager. He built toy guns out of plywood for his boys when he and Mom couldn’t afford to buy them for Christmas. He gave money he didn’t have to those who needed it.  He brought the girls in his life flowers for their birthdays, anniversaries, and Mother’s Days.  

One of the last coherent things he said to us was “Is there anything I can do for you?”  

He will be terribly missed. We know that he is with Mom again and probably telling stories and fishing.

A memorial gathering will be held at a later date. He will be interred with Mom, near their newborn son, his parents and hers. In honor of his life, go fishing, work in the yard, or build something in his memory.  

We would like to thank  the social worker at Life Care Center-Mt Vernon for her tireless work and taking care of him like he was her dad; the Advocate from DSHS, and Hospice for caring for him in his last days.

Tattling - A Raising Parent Story

 Okay, first, Kevin brought home the plague from work and I've been sick for almost two weeks.  Like, not snuffly, use this as an excuse to be lazy kind of sick but lay in bed and hope for sweet, sweet, death kind of sick.  So...yea, Kevin.

Also, feeling a little better if you ignore the tuberculosis cough.

When we last spoke, we were beyond frustrated with the facility and I had reached out to the delightfully old-fashioned named Ombudsman.  (Kevin just calls them the ABCD's)  I left a voicemail, then followed up with an email that included an itemized yet summarized list of our concerns.

They phoned me within two days and was all "Um, we need to meet you like right now"  We agreed and made the arrangements...for the next day.  They were not playing around. At all.

First, they wanted to meet at the facility, but without the staff.  We asked if we could meet off-site as we didn't want to inflame the situation further.  We met at a little cafe nearby instead.

Cut to us meeting two little old ladies who are adorable, yet formidable.  They were both retired nurses and are Ombudsman VOLUNTARILY.  They volunteer to defend this vulnerable population.  And they're both named Jo.  

Two hours later, we have a plan.  We spent two hours discussing all of the issues we've experienced and how the facility has or has not handled them.  One of the Jo's does not have a poker face so we witnessed her dismay and horror on multiple levels.  The other Jo is more matter of fact and must of said "Oh no. No, we're not doing that."

We left feeling heard and supported and felt a little less crazy.  Because it is crazymaking that the facility is failing at very basic tasks and continually arguing with Hospice and us, not only as family members but as Powers of Attorney.

They said something that one of the social workers had mentioned before "He chose you two for a reason."  Because when this was first completed, we were relieved to have it done then hoped we would never need it.  Then we needed it and was doubly relieved; only to be in a space of thinking Why Did We Even Bother.  Now we're back to relief.

So, two things to know:

• Once the person is incapacitated, YOU are the person legally and ethically.  It is meant to be treated no differently than if the parent themselves were saying Yes or No.
• If there are two people listed as Powers of Attorney, the #2 person is just as responsible as the #1 person.  Don't let people tell you that it's not.
• Wait, three things:  Power of Attorney is worthless upon death. The death certificate and will replaces the Power of Attorney

One of the things that we needed to provide was the care plan from the facility and from Hospice.  Hospice sent theirs almost immediately upon request.  The facility took three phone calls.

The Ombudsman reconciled both care plans to ensure that everything that Hospice had put into place was actually being implemented at the facility.  Spoiler Alert: They had NOT.  sigh.

They said that they would get together with the team and then we would all meet together to come to an agreement then move forward.  We were not looking forward to another confrontation with the facility.

A week went by and we just thought that it was taking longer than they planned.  Then another week went by and I was starting to feel disappointed.  I had it on my to-do list this week to reach out but: tuberculosis cough and sleeping.

Then my phone rang just now.  It was a Las Vegas number so I ignored it.  Then there was a voicemail and a follow-up call so I answered.  It was the Ombudsman.

Well, it turns out that they skipped over the meeting together, took us out of the equation, and just met with the facility.  It sounds like a case of You Guy Are So Terrible At Your Job We Just Can't Even.

(they just forgot to tell us that part)

They've since met Kevin's dad twice and talked with all of the staff.  The care plans have been integrated and the facility is Well Aware that they have eyes on them.  Which explains why we've been getting regular updates from the facility.

Then we'll quietly touch upon the fact that Kevin's dad was having a really bad day, it's called Terminal Agitation.  He was combative with the staff and even with Kevin.  It's a milestone in the dying process but awful nonetheless.  They phoned us to let us know and we learned that this is a sign that it's starting to happen.  They're setting the clock to "up to two weeks but maybe earlier."

Just in time for us to finally have the facility on board.

My point though is: add this to your notes for Future You.  I believe all states have an Ombudsman.  program like this, an agency who oversees skilled nursing facilities and comes to families aid when needed.  It's not the same as licensing or Medicare/Medicaid, it is an intermediary.

I wish I had contacted them sooner but these things happen the way they do.

This Is Going Well - a Raising Parents Update

 Okay, so.  Update.  

I'm exhausted, we're exhausted. This feels like it is never going to end. 

I remember this feeling with my mother-in-law but this is different.  She was aware of who we were right up until the end.  My father-in-law is not.  He's trapped in a failing body and brain that refuses to give up.

It's been three and a half months since we enrolled him in Hospice and not one minute of it feels like it has gone smoothly.

A quick recap with an apology to friends who've already heard the story:

The overall update is he has "plateau'd" and is just...hanging around. Hospice has reverted back to twice a week visits when we were up to nearly daily visits.  Basically, almost back to square one.  Almost.  After being considered in beginning stages of active death,  he's not only still alive but for a while, he had improved a little bit.  Fleeting moments of clarity, been eating a little bit, and we're not sure what the cause is.  It's not unheard of in hospice but it is unusual.

Some of the possible root causes:

The facility is consistently inconsistent with his meds. We feel like perhaps they're not being as diligent as they should be, thus this rebound.  They were waking him to give him his medicine,  while supposed to be given them crushed in a syringe, so that doesn't require full consciousness.  Think giving a teething toddler tylenol so their temp doesn't spike while they continue sleeping. Instead, what it appears the staff are doing with meds: they are turning on the big light, sitting him up, interacting with him so of course he's awake.

THEN there was the accusations of him being over-medicated.  Yep.  Accused Kevin over the phone on speaker phone then accused Hospice.  Sigh.  With our permission, they reduced one of the meds and no big response has happened beyond being more agitated.  As in, tried to leave the facility. Twice.  Fell, more than once.

The facility states that "if they ask, we have to" so if he asks to go to the bathroom or to the cafeteria.  However, a) he's supposed to be in diapers and 2) how about some redirection and medication to keep him calm.  This is a good example of Rule of Law vs. Intent of the Law that we believe is happening with the administration of the facility.

We have been ADAMANT about letting him sleep, including the promise of a giant sign for his room and me standing guard all day.  It took two meetings to make that happen.

Additionally, there is inconsistency with reports of his consciousness.  Hospice and the advocate report he has been either unrousable or incoherent.  We have experienced the same.  Yet the administration reports that he's been verbal and active. He's going to the dining room, he's "playing" bingo.  They say if he asks, they have to accommodate him but we suspect that he's passively agreeing when being offered.  Because it will never make sense in my head how we went from "It will be soon...as in within seven days" to "We'll see..."  and, and, AND he is mostly non-verbal.

He's been refusing his food, drink and meds but then will eat just enough to sustain every few days. We learned that the aide has been helping feed him when he is cooperative.  He's been less cooperative, including getting a little combative; swatting at staff, turning his head, and pushing himself away.

Now, cue to two meetings with the facility administration.  One included the Hospice Nurse and the second including the brother and not me.  The first one was terrible and not productive.  It ended in the Hospice nurse reporting the facility to the hospice management for non-cooperation and obstruction of health care. Because: hospice is the medical authority and is medically liable, the facility should be able to do most anything that Hospice asks and other facilities DO cooperate.  So, while the facility does have their regulations, it feels like the facility is just CLINGING TO THEM without acknowledging that they are dealing with an actual human being and that they are dying.

The second meeting Kevin stormed the gates with IDGAF attitude and explained clearly to the executive director that he will match energy with the Nursing director, who we believe is the crux of the issues.  This resulted in a room change and as a result, new nurses and care plan.  So far, so good. 

And: the executive director has adjoining offices with the nursing director. She left the door open to the nursing director could hear every word and was advised not to participate.  (sigh)

We have considered moving him to a new facility but we feel like the time it would take to do it, this will be over.  Also that the trauma that will ensue is not worth it, especially knowing that They Know We Know They Know they have to do better.

In between all this drama, he was found unresponsive in the dining room.  His blood pressure had dropped and he was again showing signs of active death.  He's still here and that was two weeks ago.  His cardiologist told us two years ago that is probably how it will end, his blood pressure will plummet and not recover.  

So...we're waiting.  Visits seem to upset him now because he doesn't know who we are so we've stopped going very often. Kevin talks to the facility frequently for updates.  We're back to just waiting for a phone call.

Oh, one more thing: the facility recommended that we could a) take him on a drive b) sit with him and watch a movie or c) just sit and talk.  First, he's in hospice with advanced dementia so: no. (he weighs 153 lbs. down from his admit weight of 225 lbs) It takes two people to move him from chair to bed, etc.

Secondly, he's DEAF.  He isn't able to wear his hearing aides so he's cannot hear.  This was the biggest instance of them just not understanding the situation at all.  I kept wanting to ask them "Are we talking about the same person?"

Oh wait, in response to what to do when he's wandering the halls looking for his wife (he went into two rooms...yikes)  Their suggestion was to post the obituary where he could see it. I KNOW RIGHT.  That goes against what the experts suggest to do in this situation.  AND: he can't read.

When this is all said and done, I've got some work to do. I am setting sh*t on fire and Hospice literally said "Go get em!" If you've made Hospice mad, you have accomplished Something. Not a good something.

I have submitted an online complaint with the Ombudsman that oversees facilities in this state.  (that's actually been submitted now) Then I'm submitting our complaint to the Corporate Office of the facility regarding the administrations actions, and also to DSHS, and Medicaid/Medicare.  

Did you think we were finished? Oh no, silly thing.  TODAY. TODAY, this very day, the facility asked Hospice to add a medication to his regimen to INCREASE HIS APPETITE.  For the love of gawd and all things holy, WTAF.  Hospice begrudgingly called Kevin and asked and we said no.  Because he is dying.  Stop trying to stop the dying.

Happy March

 

Weekend at Bernies - A Raising Parents Update

 Okay, so where we last left off was...he was declining and the clock was beginning to wind down.

Last week Hospice completed another evaluation and felt that we were probably at the One Week point.  What happens then is they see him daily and have phone check-ins with the staff and we are put on alert that it's quite literally go time.

As of right now, he's in the end stages of dementia and death.  He's lost most of his speech, he didn't recognize Kevin nor his advocate, he's not taking food/water/meds.  He either declines, spits it out or coughs it up or says he's already eaten even though clearly has not.   At that point, hospice felt like qualified for the week timeline.  Since then, we learned that his eyes are turning yellow, which indicates liver failure. So it is progressing.

Except.

Except, the facility staff was not fully cooperating with the hospice plan. Super frustrating, especially when they've called us six times in two weeks to tell us that he fell.

RIGHT?

He's fallen multiple times and no one understands how that is possible.  It take two people to move him and it's a struggle.  Our guess is that it's the hallucinations that gives him super powers. Then they eventually shared that it wasn't a fall as much as a slide to the floor but they still have to qualify that as a fall.  To which we asked every time: why isn't he medicated so he's not agitated?  We would get a variety of answers.

Sorry for the permanent scar I'm going to put in your imagination: they moved a third bed (against our wishes) into his room with the plan of moving a third person in there.  Well, their karmic payback was the staff finding him NAKED laying in the new bed.  Yeah.

So, after fall #4, it took a stern phone call asking why the facility would countermand Hospice and now he's in a new room.  And the bed is moved and lowered so he can't just roll out of either side.  THEN he used the bed table as a walker and fell but this time he just fell back onto the bed.  Sigh.

Additionally, we made it a family rule not to wake him for any reason.  This was a struggle when we had Mom in hospice and reminded everyone that it's for the best.

We've had the You Can Go Now conversation twice. Once with me and Kevin and once with just Kevin  He said to both of us - in a rare moment of clarity two weeks ago - that he was ready to go and didn't think he would be here but for a few more days.  He said something similar to Hospice and said that he had "an appointment" the next day  So we waited with baited breath to see how that played out.  He's still here.  He says he wants to go be with Mom and we're all "Well, go then, She's waiting!"

At the beginning of this, he lost his phone so we suspended the line.  There's still $150 owed on a stupid flip phone so I asked Verizon what we could do and they said "Pay it off"  Since then the facility found it under something in the bathroom.  Now I'm waiting for him to pass then I'll go to Verizon with the phone and see what they can do.  Still, probably nothing but I need to try.  Also, what am I going to do with a flip phone?

Somewhere along the way, he had gotten a 2nd Amendment tshirt.  It's not his, it's not his belief and it annoyed me.  But I let it go.  Until he was wearing it the other night.  I emailed the social worker and asked her to please find that shirt and throw it away.  I "joked" that if that's the shirt he ends up wearing "for all eternity" it's going to be awkward.  

So, that's been challenging.

And then the universe said "BET"

Hospice completed another visit on Wednesday - as we're doing three visits a week now instead of two - and the facility had taken away accommodations such as the fall mat and had him sitting in a wheelchair at the nurses station so "They could keep an eye on him."

Have you ever seen/heard a Hospice worker lose their patience?  The answer is no because it just doesn't happen.  In this instance, she lost her patience.  She educated the staff, again, educated the social worker, again, and then went toe-to-toe with the Director of Nursing.

They had lots of reasons why they were doing what they were doing and it's not all nefarious or negligent. (but, a little negligent)  A listicle:

• There IS a lack of education with staff about the hospice process. Stunningly.
• There is a lack of communication Between staff members.
• The staff who care for Dad love him and are really having difficulty letting go.
• The Executive Director -in my opinion - is either underqualified or has a Rule of Law vs. Intent of Law kind of mindset. Perhaps both because often one feeds the other. It feels like they are very concerned with liability and rule violations.
• Thus the "keeping an eye on him" instead of having him fully medicated and sleeping.
• Just the sheer amount of staff turnover on all levels in that specific medical discipline creates a Groundhog Day of information sharing

After restating expectations with what felt like everyone in the building, she phoned to update us with what was happening.  In support of what the hospice nurse experienced, Kevin shared that every time the facility calls us to tell us that he's fallen it's often during or followed by "So we have him hanging out at the nurses station or the rec room or down in the cafeteria."

All of which is inappropriate.  When he was initially there, he abjectly refused to do any of those things and now that he's not able to refuse, they are doing it for him. Under the guise of "keeping an eye on him so he doesn't fall"   Upon hearing this, it upset the hospice worker even more. What they're supposed to be doing is methodically medicating him so he's not compelled to get up, be awake or do anything other than be cozy in his bed.  So the next step was she was going to have a nurse stop by Saturday, giving them one day to get their sh*t together.  

But she doesn't know US.  At first, I was going to call and request a Care Conference, which the facility hates.  It's a meeting with all staff who work with the family member; them providing a status update and family sharing concerns then a plan in place is created.  (write that down, for future list. The mention of it solves problems rather quickly)

Instead Kevin phoned the social worker and just let go.  When he is "wound up" it is a thing of beauty. He will verbally disassemble someone before they've even realized what is happening.  He asked why they weren't following the hospice plan, why they kept "poking him with a stick" to make him eat or participate in activities and that it felt like they were playing Weekend at Bernies with his dad.  

I tell you, when he told me that, I couldn't breathe.  WEEKEND AT BERNIES.  Mygawd.  Because that's exactly what was happening.  They were having all of these expectations for a hospice patient, days from death, because: reasons.

The social worker agreed with us and with Hospice but indicated that the administration was the issue. (which was the situation last time)  She transferred Kevin to the Nursing Director and Kevin started from scratch, listing all our concerns, their response or lack thereof, and what our expectations were moving forward.  Medicate him fully, let him sleep, "stop poking him with a stick" and stop trying to feed or entertain/move him. Let him die peacefully.

The Nursing Director took all the information and indicated that she was going to go meet with the staff and with the administration to straighten this out.  She would phone back in an hour.

And she did.  All of the accommodations have been put into place and she apologized.   I mean, that is really something.  But we didn't hold our breath, we've seen this episode before.

This morning I texted the Hospice nurse to phone Kevin because we had an update.  A few hours passed and they spoke.  Unbeknownst to us, she had already gone on an official visit today to ensure that all protocols were put into place, which indicates her level of concern.  She was very pleased to report that they had.  Then she let Kevin tell her what had happened.

She too laughed heartily at the Weekend at Bernies reference and thanked him for advocating so hard for his dad.  There will be another nurse visit tomorrow then she will return on Monday.  Another Monday to evaluate and reset the clock.  But she really feels like if people would just leave him alone, it won't take long.

Later today, the Hospice Social Worker phoned me to check in, not just as a regular check in but because she was also at the facility with the hospice nurse and saw everything firsthand.  They were concerned for us and just the impact this resistance has had on us overall.

I told her all of the above and when I got to the Weekend at Bernies part there was a few beats of quiet -enough to worry - and then she LAUGHED.  "That paints a picture, for sure. I know exactly what he's saying" and indicated that she would share that with the staff as well.

Then Kevin just phoned after a visit with his dad. Upon arrival, he was sleeping so Kevin talked with the staff.  Before leaving, he checked one more time and his dad was awake and eating pudding. Surprisingly. He was kind of coherent but remained in the wrong timeline.  Then when a "cute" nurse/aide/worker came into the room he announced that he needed to go to the bathroom.

This had me stumped again because...a) who woke him?  b)who gave him food and why? and c) he's supposed to be in diapers.  Kevin didn't have any of these answers because he was fighting for his life trying to navigate himself through this mess in the moment.  

Then Kevin also reported that as the aide was taking him to the bathroom, she asked him if he wanted to go to the cafeteria because it was dinner time.  W.T.A.F. In the moment, he just wasn't able to approach the staff to ask.  

Now it's Saturday and Hospice phoned again.  They had a visit with him and he was sleeping and did not rouse.  So, in an awful way, that's good.  They felt that Kevin's visit could have been what they call a rally. (which happens at the end, the patient suddenly is "fine" for a few hours)  We shared our concerns about Kevin's visit and he said he would follow up with hospice staff.  He suggested we phone the facility to emphasize Do Not Wake Him Up, Do Not Get Him Active, LET HIM SLEEP.

Another phone call to the facility was made and we spoke with the day nurse, who is very familiar with what is happening.  She was horrified and apologized.  We requested that signage be put up saying Do Not Disturb/Do Not Wake.  She said that it shouldn't be necessary (scoff, because: seriously)  Then I "jokingly" said "Please don't make me come down there."  

Sigh...so that's where we are.  It could be any hour now, but no longer than a few days.  If people would just leave him be.  He's ready to go, we're ready for him to go.  It's time.

Sleep Through It - A Raising Parents Update

 Good Morning poppets!  My apologies for falling off the face of the planet but I needed a moment.

So, updated update:

My father-in-law is on Day 43 of Hospice. He declined suddenly about a week ago and while we should have been prepared for that, we were not.

It started as him having grand hallucinations, seeing dead people and places we can’t see.  But he's been really happy and relaxed so that was the overall goal.  His episodes of consciousness are fewer and further between.  He did not recognize his "girlfriend" the social worker earlier this week.  He did not rouse for his advocate whom he adores or the Hospice nurse yesterday.

There has been So Much Discussion about the hallucinations, after becoming frustrated I said "We need to choose a lane: do we want him hallucinating and happy or lucid and miserable?"  And also, we don't need to wonder what caused them. At this point, it just doesn't matter and he's happy and relaxed, which was the goal.  He's "seen" his wife and his siblings, he's happy.  He's said he's ready to go.

In what seems counterintuitive, he’s fallen twice since last Thursday, three times in a week total. They’re putting precautions in now to prevent that. But originally they said they couldn't so Hospice took this as a teachable moment and they're putting them into place now.  We added "If we have to move him to a different facility, then we might need to." which is usually a motivator for change. Sadly. It is thought that it’s the hallucinations causing him to fall as he’s too weak to sit up or stand on his own. But the hallucinations are keeping him happy and pain free so it’s a sad trade-off.  Also, it won't be long when this won't be an issue.

Meanwhile, we don’t know what damage is happening with each fall as he can’t report if anything is wrong.  It's jarring because a persons default reaction is to "Run blood tests! get an xray! Take him to the ER" but we're past that point now.  Anything that happens now, just...happens.

Hospice is working with the facility to medicate him more consistently so he doesn't get agitated or upset.  He was spilling milk and the aide told him to stop then tried to help and he kicked at her. Yeah.  So they have been Encouraged with a capital E to be consistent with his meds. However, I don't think it's negligence, I think they genuinely love him and are struggling with the process.  The decline was so swift, it caught the staff off guard as well.

Also, though, when this is all said and done, we're going to request that staff gain training on the Hospice process as they seem surprised at things they shouldn't be.  (taking him off his regular meds, hallucinations, questioning the sudden decline while on Hospice)

Oh, let's talk about that for a minute too.  He was put on methadone, which is a regular thing when a person enters hospice.  It is like a weighted blanket in pill form, it soothes the body and the brain and takes it out of the Fight or Flight Mode.  It addresses not only physical pain but existential pain. Once his body acclimated to that dose - and it took a few adjustments - his body relaxed, his brain calmed and he's exactly where we want him to be: cozy in bed, sleeping, not in pain and not scared or sad.  

So, if you're in this situation ever, don't freak out if they want to put your loved one on Methadone.   It's a good tool to use. Remember the goal is always that the person is calm, not scared, and comfortable.

With all those developments, he's eating very occasionally not only because it seems he’s lost that ability, as in he thinks he’s already eaten or simply lost the motor skills to eat, it's a sign of the body preparing itself for the next step.  He’s drinking very little, probably for the same reasons. He told the siblings he ate almost everything off a clearly visible fully loaded dinner plate almost two weeks ago, an example of hallucinations that can occur.  He's declined his favorite things like ice cream and pizza.

The hospice nurse reported that he's markedly declined each visit that she's seen him and he's in the middle stages of death now. With all of these things happening, it’s a relay race to death…will it be a blood pressure drop? Will it be starvation? Will it be a brain or internal bleed from a fall?  Or will it be a wild card event that None of Us Will See Coming.  Charts and graphs and stats indicate it’s within two weeks. But the body is a weird thing, it could be tomorrow or March.

I did accidentally make one of the nurses cry. When they reporting about being agitated and that he'd kicked at an aide.  I explained that this was very uncharacteristic for him and it's hard to witness.  I gave an example of "He was such a good dad.  I was on bedrest for sixty days with a broken leg and he came over every single day to check on me and bring me things. That's the kind of dad he was."  

Because unfortunately, skilled nursing staff only see our loved ones as these broken, aging out individuals.  They don't know the person they were before.  It's important to share details, have photographs, and talk about how they used to be.  Not only to humanize your loved one as a patient but to give things to talk about or mention between the staff and your loved one.

Meanwhile, I've gotten out the checklist of things to do once this finishes.  I'm almost done with his obituary.  I'm trying to gather photos but I'm finding that to be Too Big of a task right now. 

So, that's where we are.  This is the last parent for me, I will be an orphan after this concludes.  And that feels unmooring.  I hate this timeline.

Bingo Card

Swistle mentioned doing New Year's Bingo Cards as resolutions. (link here)  It kept popping into my head after reading it so now, halfway through January, here we are.

I had a few ideas pop into my head, then I reread Swistle's post and borrowed a few.  That prompted my brain to think of a few more but then I was stuck.  Finally, I consulted the interwebs and filled in the remainder; only about three of them though.

So, like always, play along or just follow along.  I just needed something positive to focus on for a while. Goal setting is also a good thing, I guess. lol  

I'll try to do like a quarterly update of progress.

Chatty Email, because OMG Seriously

I've plenty to say and no energy to say it. 

Meanwhile...

Today’s music stuck in my head is Morning Train.  I didn’t like this song 40 years ago and I’m enjoying it less today. (link)

I just browsed the college community education catalog to dream about any class that I could take. I have zero intentions on following through, yet I persist in looking at the catalog when it arrives; as if I’ll suddenly become a different person.  Although there is a free Medicare class that I might take as Kevin is planning on retirement in the next few years.  That’s the stage my life is in right now and isn’t that jarring and weird.

I still have color Christmas lights in my office window and around my monitors on the desk.  There’s some burnt out bulbs and that’s okay.  I relate with them right now.  I just need some whimsy and light gdammit.

Also, I made it through the holiday without buying holiday décor.  Then, the clearance sales got me in their grip.  It was just a few trees, some LED ones and a candle.  Then there’s the birds. Have you seen the birds?  Well, they were at the Target and now other stores are selling them.  I bought a grumpy little bird in a red coat at Michaels then got a Queen and Consort at the wallyworld.  I did not buy a King because: no.  But they’re more Winter than Christmas. But then I just took out my Valentines Day birds.  I have issues.

I ordered a Blind Date with a Book online again.  This one was a “Surprise Me” category and I got a spicy book; including a spicy cover. (A Rogue’s Rules for Seduction – a Last Chance Scoundrels book)  While this order wasn’t a choice I would have consciously made, I like the allure of opening these mystery book orders and getting the stickers.  I am a child of the 80’s after all.

It’s 50 degrees today and I might mention that it’s January in the PNW.  This is unnatural, for sure.  Social media memories show that we had six inches of snow a few years ago.  I would enjoy snow right about now.

Last year I received a journal in my favorite color and I’ve put it to use in an interesting way.  I made a list of screenshots from my phone into categories: Trips I want to take/places to see.  Hikes I want to do.  Ideas to try.  Therapy notes of ideas/quotes that I’ve read on the social media.  I’ve pasted in postcards and stickers that my BFF has sent me over the past year(s) to keep me on the right side of the dirt during all of this chaos.

Then I saw there’s a Junk Journaling trend on the social media, which is very similar.  I like the idea because it encompasses chaos.  Write a sentence a day, or a paragraph, depending on your mood.  Tape a photo on that page, or a menu or receipt to remind you of that particular day.  Write a quote or a song lyric.  Just something to acknowledge that day or week or month.  Anyway, I thought that was a good idea for those of us who WANT to journal but just aren’t wired that way.

Kevin gave me a cup warmer for my desk and I have to admit, it’s pretty awesome. As a result, I tend to drink more coffee in the mornings now.  Before, it would get cold and I’d just dump it down the drain.  Now I can’t believe that I didn’t do this sooner.  It feels lazy because I work from home but it feels necessary if one works in an actual office.

We’ve watched two things that we really enjoyed after a long drought of television we both enjoy.  His & Hers is TENSE but good.  There was a little yelling of “C’mon, really” but overall we really liked it.  On the opposite side of the spectrum, The Man Inside is just perfectly lovely.  Funny, charming, low key emotional.  We’re halfway through the second season now.

I made Jambalaya!  Well, not totally from scratch.  I saw a recipe on the ticktock and asked Kevin if he thought that he'd like it.  He said he didn't want sausage or kielbasa so I went full Sheldon Cooper and used hot dogs.  I used Zatarain and added red & green peppers, onions, and diced the hotdogs. Also, it said to use chicken broth instead of water (?)  The first time it came out perfect and we really liked it.  The second time I added too many peppers and hotdogs.  It was still good, just spicy and hot-doggy.

Okay, hopefully this provided a few minutes of distraction for everyone.

2025 Recap...Reluctantly

 It’s here! The New Year Review Questionnaire!  You could do it too, it can be a good or fun way to look back on your year. Although no one really wants to look back at these past years.  Sigh, Let’s do this anyway.

1. What did you do in 2025 that you’d never done before?

Had to call a plumber.  The family & friends possess many skills and plumbing is not one of them.  $835 later and I don’t have to think about plumbing ever again. (knock wood)

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year? 

• Paint doors – Nope, I can’t decide on a color
• Debt Reduction – also Nope.  This is the Year of Broken Things
• Writing & Reading – Improved, not achieved

My resolutions for 2026:

1.  Just get through the year.  I have low expectations for anything good.

2. Paint the doors,  I’m trying to avoid resale grey and I like sage or black but I dunno

3.  Write more (no, really)

4. Did anyone close to you give birth? 

No, we are out of that particular milestone for a while

4. Did anyone close to you die? 

Friends but no one close.  Celebrity deaths this year however…sigh.

Wait, close call for my father-in-law over Christmas…it could still happen.  

5. What states or countries did you visit? 

Oh Canada and no other states but have traveled from one end of Western Washington to the other.  We were supposed to go to the Oregon Coast but we just haven’t made that happen.

6. What would you like to have in 2026 that you lacked in 2025?

Peace.  In all of the ways.

7. What dates from 2025 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

Kevin running a personal best at the track and all of our friends there to watch and celebrate with us.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? 

This won’t make sense to some, I finished Monica’s Closet. This has been a want and a to-do for literal years.  (bloggity post upcoming, stay tuned)

     

9. What was your biggest failure?

 Writing and debt reduction.  So much fail

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Another laser surgery on one eye. The other eye will be done sometime in 2026

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Honda CRV.  It just made everything so much easier.  Who knew that I would finally age out of driving a truck….wait, that was in 2024.  Ummm, then nothing.

12. What is the best thing you created?  It can be a spreadsheet, organizational thing; it could be a human!

Along with Monica’s Closet, I have been working on making the office cozy.  I’m nearly there.

13. Whose behavior merited celebration?

Kevin, for keeping it all together when the world keeps throwing punches

14. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

This will be my answer perhaps for eternity: The entire GOP & its brethren

15. Where did most of your money go?

Ugh. Bills

16. What did you get really excited about?

It just wasn’t that kind of year again. I was mildly - but skeptically - excited about the election.

17. What song will always remind you of 2025?

The Big Goodbye - AJR

 Would if I Could – Ernest

I am Not Okay – Jelly Roll      

18. Compared to this time last year, are you:

– happier or sadder?  Sadder. And Angrier.

– thinner or fatter? Same somehow.

– richer or poorer? Poorer but still remarkably lucky

19. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Writing.  I always wish that I had spent more time writing

20. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Paperwork & phone calls

21. How did you spend Christmas and the New Year? 

• Eve –  At the hospital then at home. We had cereal for dinner.
• Day –  Next door with the fam and it was lovely, despite it all.
• Eve –  Home, low key
• Day –  Home, low key

22. Did you fall in love in 2026?

Every day.

23. What was your favorite TV program? 

Shrinking

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? 

Nope, not that I'll discuss here.  lolsigh.

24. What was the best book you read?

Jane Eyre.  I had read  it years ago then joined my BFF’s family’s book club.  I’d forgotten how much I like that book.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery? 

Greylan West

26. What did you want and get?

 Working from home for the foreseeable future

27. What did you want and not get?

 Gosh, I can’t think of a single thing. We are also at that time of our life.

Well, also, I really wanted a certain “president” in prison. 

28. What was your favorite film of this year?

I don’t really watch new movies anymore.  The Life List on Netflix was good.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

57 – I did nothing.  No chores, no work, just ran two errands in the pouring down rain then read/slept/watched television all day.

40. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Tiny bit less death

41. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2026?

This is a repeat: Lazy…Yoga pants and hoodies or tshirts, no shoes unless walkies

42. What kept you sane?

Walkies with Lucy.  Stupid little walks for my stupid little mental health

44. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

44. What political issue stirred you the most?

The Election 

45. Who did you miss?

My mother-in-law, still

46. Who was the best new person you met?

Being a feral hermit, I don’t usually meet new people now. The new IT guy at work is nice, I guess. lol

47. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2025

It can always get worse.

Happy New Year

 

Ho Ho Ho....Hospice

 Okay, so...that didn't go as planned.

On the 22nd, Kevin received a call from the facility.  His dad was very ill and the ambulance had been called.  However, they were phoning him to ask if we wanted to send him to the hospital or leave him at the facility and provide comfort care until nature takes its course.

Now, Kevin is running heavy equipment at the time of the call and working on a deadline.  To get a call like that was shocking.  He said it was like "Whelp, do you want him to die or nah?" kind of vibe.  Then the ambulance arrived and took him in the time of the conversation so it was a moot point.

Cue to me, laying in bed and watching a movie.  It's winter break and I had zero things to do.  Kevin said he couldn't leave work just yet and I reflexively said "Your brother is five minutes away from the hospital..." because he works nearby.  Kevin said that he'd already called him and told him to get there right away.  Okay, so that's a new development; usually he doesn't... participate, we'll say.

We disconnect and I'm processing what just happened. Then it pops in my head that I'm power of attorney with Kevin.  One of us has to be there.  I threw on some clothes and headed down there.  To find the brother in the waiting room on the phone while someone from the hospital is waiting. WTAF....  I approached and said "I'm with him, how can I help?"   She needed to register him so off we went and  That's Why I needed to be there.  The sibling would not know anything helpful in that situation.

Then they lead me right back to his room in the emergency room.  He was semi-conscious and they were doing all the tests.  I answered questions and just waited.  After a few minutes, the sibling came into the room and made a "joke" about leaving him in the waiting room.  I explained that they lead me straight back and so...here we are.

Quicker than anticipated, Kevin arrived and the doctor shortly thereafter.  He was incredibly kind and clear about the situation.  He asked -in a much more professional manner than the facility - "Do you want us to provide comfort care or life saving protocols?"  The f-i-l's health was very dire and it was time for the big decision.  

We chose comfort care and explained that he has dementia and that his quality of life was not great and rapidly declining.  By the time we had this conversation, fluids, antibiotics and other meds had been given.  So now it was a wait and see.  Upon arrival, he was on his way to another realm, if you will.

The f-i-l roused at one point and asked for...wait for it...the social worker.  Yeah.  It turns out that he considered her his friend/girlfriend, we discovered about two weeks ago.  So, that was super fun for us to experience.  Then he returned to semi-consciousness.  

We waited for a while then they indicated that a room would not be available yet so we were welcome to leave.  It was decided that we would just go to the cafeteria and have lunch.  We did that and it was an experience as Kevin and I keep discovering that we've had to assume the parental role in a weird way.  More about that later...or not...

Upon our return it was determined that a room would be available later in the afternoon/early evening.  They had him stabilized and there wasn't a reason for us to stay.  I will say that this experience at the hospital was much better than any of the prior ones. Communication was better and they were much better at guiding us through the next steps.  They indicated that there was no reason for us to stay unless we wanted to.  Collectively we all were like "See you later then"  Because we are exhausted.

We went home and rested.  I monitored his MyChart but the information is delayed and we waited for the phone to ring.  We phoned later and he had been transferred to the Critical Care Unit and continued to be stabilized. We tried to visit again and spoke with the CCU doctor.  He was a little flip about the situation, I described him as finger guns.  As in, "He's improving now but we'll phone you if he starts to fail but so far, so good!"  It was 100% opposite of our experience in the ER.  

The next day my s-i-l visited first and said he was fine.  We went down about mid-day to find him sitting in a chair and eating lunch. We spoke to the nurse who reported that he's doing even better today.  This is so awful because she was surprised and relieved and we felt surprised and a little disappointed.  We're just in the headspace that we need to be done.  AND the ER made it sound like it was imminent.  

We went in to visit and...the vibe was off, again. Kevin went into his room first and I heard "Hello there, kid" which is his standard response.  I thought "Well, that could be a good sign."  It wasn't.  

He was a jerk the whole time we were there.  He was eating lunch, which was a salad and he hates salads, although Kevin wasn't sure he was eating versus just pushing his food around.  He was non-communicative mostly. Kevin would ask him a question and he'd respond with a few word answer; always an underlying tone or vibe. He didn't remember my s-i-l visiting and complained that no one told him anything.  So, all the greatest hits. Otherwise, we just stood there in silence.  I excused myself  to go to the bathroom but it was more to see if there was an attitude shift once I was gone.  Kevin said there was not, at all.  We left shortly thereafter, frustrated in every way.

Then the advocate phoned because she was notified that he was hospitalized.  She agreed with the plan to discharge him to the facility under hospice care, which is a relief because this whole situation has us second-guessing ourselves.  But she did indicate that one of us has to be  there for the hospice intake because we're POA's.  SIGH.  I mean, we KNEW that but we just hadn't mentally taken that step yet.

Okay, now it's Christmas Eve. We met with the advocate after her visit with him.  She said he was all in the My Kids Are Stealing From Me mode.  I really thought the boys were just going to go back home without visiting him upon hearing that.  But...the only "but" in this situation...is that I think the advocate is just a visual trigger for that particular issue.  YET STILL  ANNOYING AND FRUSTRATING.  The boys got to meet the advocate though and that was helpful.  

Because we learned something from the advocate:  The f-i-l doesn't recognize how his participation or attitude carries over to how everyone around him reacts.    Also, that he's getting SO MUCH negative attention and is perfectly comfortable being the victim in the situation.  It was helpful to hear her say that and it was good for Kevin to hear.

After that we met the hospice facilitator without the f-i-l and explained that we don't know which personality we're going to get, that he has dementia and it's worse in the hospital.  Then the normal coaching: speak loudly, look at him, don't use technical speak or big words, etc.  

I stayed out of eyesight the whole time because we needed this to be successful.  He was surprisingly accepting of the process.  I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop but we'll see.  She emphasized that he'd get a lot of attention and he wouldn't have to go back to the hospital ever again, and that just hit all the right notes with him.  He's since asked the nurses about it multiple times and they've been positive and supportive about it too so that helps.

The nurses also  reported that he's in a good mood but is constantly asking why he's there and when he can go back. 

THEN the s-i-l phoned after she had visited with him.  He made her sit right next to the bed and he "formally" apologized to her and made a big deal about how we all have to move forward.  I'm just gritting my  teeth while she's telling us because it will change in five minutes.  Also, she's like, not even on the list of people he's mad at so that feels icky. 

Later that day, hospice called to set a time to meet and told us that he'd already been discharged and is in a new room already at the facility. It felt odd but a relief that it all happened without us.  We had to be there the following morning for step two of the intake process.  He had agreed to hospice and hospice felt like it was a good plan, but this was the qualifying visit.

It's now the Day After Christmas.

We had the enrollment meeting and when we left we weren't sure he was going to qualify.  

Firstly, he's fresh off of a hospital stay so he's better than he's been for the past few months.  Secondly, he fakes it/doesn't understand/answers passively so nothing from him is accurate.  Plus: dementia.  

We told the Hospice RN that we don't know which version we get of him until we're there and that he alternates between being loving and hating us.  Also we shared that it may take a few visits to get to see the actual state of him.  But the facility was in agreement that it's time for hospice so that's good information beyond anything we could share.  Overall, the appointment went fine.  Fine is all I can muster right now.

At the end, the siblings left and Kevin had us stay for a minute.  After all was said and done, his dad started asking questions about the process, indicating that he understood/retained very little information.  We followed the lead of the hospice facilitator and emphasized that he would be getting extra attention, etc.  He seemed to accept that, again, but I still keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. I know it's coming.

AND THEN, we had another non-apology from f-i-l.  Again, prompted only by him.  He wanted me to sit close to him and I didn't because we're in PPE due to his infection. I just passively agreed as he "apologized" and sung a little song in my head while occasionally reminding myself to make eye contact as he spoke.  He trusts me and knows I take good care of him and I would never...and....

I just can't with that anymore.  It's unhealthy and I don't care that it's "just the dementia".  Kevin and I have decided that people who haven't experienced it tend to throw that phrase around a little too liberally.

We left relieved and dejected.

The RN phoned about two hours later and said he'd been accepted. It took some discussion and review to make a determination; which is totally fair and understandable. The deciding factor was the hospitalization and what landed him in the facility initially plus the length of time he was there; plus all the health issues he has, plus his advanced age

It boils down to he tested positive for Flu Type A, he has ASPIRATIONAL pneumonia (inhaled food or liquid), was in beginning stages of Sepsis, and now he's super way in the throes of dementia.  All of this caused heart damage so that was a deciding factor as well.  The timeline isn't immediate, in fact they emphasized that it could take a while or most of the hospice six-month window.  We're okay with that.

Kevin asked how I was feeling now that the decision was made and I said "Relieved"  It's no longer our problem, it's now the facility AND hospice responsibilities.  Also, it's just a relief that there's an endpoint.  Certainly, he could "graduate" from hospice and that feels like a real risk, but we know we most likely have a six-month window.  Because really, he died way back when mom died.  This is no longer our dad.

But, the adage goes is all it takes is one hospitalization to get the ball rolling in this situation.  It feels like the ball is gaining speed at this point.

I explained to the RN that we went through this with my m-i-l/his wife and that it was beyond a positive experience. However, this is a completely different and opposite situation so our participation will be different.  He completely understood and gave us "permission" to stay away for a few days to rest  and let the process take it's course.  It's soothing to hear that.

Now the communication will solely between the facility and the hospice workers.  They will notify us of any big changes but otherwise, we're not involved. We told the hospice folks that we DO NOT want to hear anything about him being angry at us UNLESS it's saying "Hold off on visiting for a while".   There is no need to intervene or support. Now they're only going to call us if there is a change or if It's Time.

And during all of this, the social worker at the facility was on vacation. She returns today to All of THIS.

It's only December 29th.

Merry Christmas

Can I Have Soup - A Raising Parents Update

 Okay, so last we talked about this, we were in the Don't Trust the Man Wearing Dad's Skin Suit era....

Nothing has changed.

He managed to return to "normal" for a short while and we remained skeptical.  The vibe was just off, even though he was acting normally. He talked to the boys and they reached a peace agreement, sort of, and then he followed up at the end of it with "Can I have some soup?"

He wanted us to bring him or order clam chowder.

So, was it the chicken or the egg.  Was it a temporary peace accord or was it manipulation?  Stay tuned.

The sibling took him out to dinner like the very next day and I was in my feelings about that because it felt like rewarding terrible behavior.  My opinion would probably be different if the f-i-l  had let a few days lapse between reconciliation and the request for soup.

The accord lasted two weeks.  Kevin will not "allow" me to go visit his dad because I am the target/trigger for most of his dad's behaviors. His behaviors because I would not give him his bank statements On Demand in November 2024.  But mostly because Kevin has become fiercely protective of me in this situation and is horrified at the injustice.  As in, I'm the one that made everything happen and this is my thanks.

Along with that, his dad had told Kevin and the sibling that he needed to call me and apologize.  He brought the topic up, not the boys.  He mentioned it a few times. The boys were non-committal about it because No One Wins in this situation.

Cue to me, feeling badly because I didn't want nor need a call. I need changed behavior and that is not a realistic possibility.  We agreed that I would take the call but disconnect if/when it went sideways.  Over a week passed and no call.

Until yesterday.  I was in the car and he phoned.  I counted to five and answered with forced cheeriness.  He asked if I was working at home or at the office and I said that I was in the car. "Do you need something?" I asked, even though I knew the purpose of the call.  

He says "No, I just wanted to call and apologize for whatever I said or did to make you upset."  NOT AN APOLOGY bruh.  I said "Thank you" and he repeated himself then he said "I hope we can all move on" and I replied "That's entirely up to you."  

Then he says, paraphrasing, "Now if we can get everyone else to agree and we can all move past this."  

WUT.  This was YOUR idea, sir.  But I didn't take the bait.  I just said something like "We'll give it a shot" and the conversation ended.

Then Kevin calls to tell me something that had happened at work.  We talked for a few minutes then I told him that his dad had phoned.  l told him all of the above and he was, like me, WHAT.  We agreed that it wasn't an apology and that was the most any of us will get, and that it felt like he had just checked an item off of a list.  We also agreed that I still wouldn't be visiting him.  Calling with a non-apology doesn't mean access to me.

Now, about that, I am a trigger for him. The social worker and the dementia specialist agreed.  So, if I can stay away and perhaps let the boys have some positive visits with their dad then that's a win.  Also, I have a complicated history with dad relationships so my tolerance level is non-existent. I'm just not going to keep signing up for that experience.

Back to yesterday.  After I spoke with Kevin, his dad phoned me again.  I declined the call then asked Kevin what I should do.  Out of morbid curiosity, he said call him back. I did and the tone had changed.  We were back in it again.  

He had phoned the bank and they wouldn't give him any information because "Your name is on the account."  Which it is AND he was using my debit card to call them BECAUSE he no longer has a debit card AND because he demanded that I give MINE to him.  The social worker will - and has - help him call to check his balance but in this moment, he chose to call himself.

I determinedly cheerful "Yep, you have to go ask Angie and she will help you do that."  He hates this answer but that is the only answer available.  I did check the app and told him "You have $267.32" in the bank right now.  (plus $150 cash at the facility, btw)  I could sense he wanted to fight so I just finished the call with "Now go talk to Angie and I'm sure that she'll help you"

I phoned Kevin and told him about the call and he sighed. "We're back in it then."  Then Kevin phoned the social worker and she confirmed it as well.  "He stormed into the Administrator's office" she tells him. 

Now, THAT kind of behavior is what will get him invited to live elsewhere. That is my worry.  They love him there but they're not going to tolerate disturbing the peace for very long.

But back to the chicken or the egg.  Did he call to "apologize" or did he call so he could get me to share his bank information.  We will never know.  It was just twice that he made a gesture of reconciliation only to follow it up because he wanted or needed something. And - even though they say it's not probable - because he's shown consistently that he's capable of manipulation like that.

Of course, it's going to be Christmas soon.  He spent Thanksgiving alone because he was mad and now he might be alone for Christmas too.  It puts us in the position of having to squelch our feelings and needs to try to make it not a lonely Christmas for him. BUT it reinforces that this behavior that keeps occurring is acceptable.

In the time since I began this post, Kevin went down for his regular visit.  He said it was fine but there was a vibe.  He reported that dad asked about me and Kevin just replied "She chose to stay home this morning, we're going shopping later."  His dad did not pick up on the nuance but did ask two more times in different ways what I was doing. That could have been memory lapses or fishing, we're not sure.  Like this whole situation: we're just not sure.

Now it was decided that the siblings will take him breakfast on Christmas morning.  The grown kids will go with them and Kevin & I will stay home.  We are both conflicted by that but it feels like the best middle ground that we can find.  

Oh, and he stated that he didn't need any presents but we could get him a card.  I will go rush to do that right now...