Pardon Me

Forgiveness: (n.) 1) The act of forgiving; pardon 2) compassionate feelings that support a willingness to forgive 3) the act of excusing a mistake or offense

Forgiveness is a tough concept to grasp. It is a good thing to do but it may be the most difficult thing a person can do.

Along with my fun little non-judgmental resolution, I have been thinking about forgiveness.

There are a few fractured, unresolved relationships in my life and in retrospect, all can use a little forgiveness.
But then, where does one draw the line? What's forgivable and what's not? In my world, it isn't black and white but in others, it most definitely is. They say that you forgive the person but not excuse the action. They say that a person isn't defined by their actions. They say that people are doing the best they can at that time in their life. They say forgive but don't forget. It’s very complicated.

I think it is a very personal decision.

My first attempt was a hand-written note to someone who wasn't honest with me and our relationship ended as a result. I found, with the passage of time however, that the interactions of the relationship had ended but the hurt and the anger still existed. I decided that I couldn't truly end the relationship without...warning: psychobabble forthcoming...closure. Thus: forgiveness.

But, forgivenss seems like such a Lifetime Televison, Little House on the Prairie thing to do. It seems dramatic and overwrought. It also feels a little arrogant, if you will. Like you're making a proclamation "I, Queen of all that is Good & Pure, am forgiving you!" But "they" say it's a good thing to do and makes you a better, stronger, healthier person.

So, in the spirit of Christmas (yeah, I said it: Christmas) I wrote the person a note and enclosed it in a Christmas card. I said that I had forgiven them and that I hoped they forgave me. A pretty simple little note but packed with emotion and intention.

As I assumed would happen, I received no response and that's okay. (How does one respond to a note like that anyway? Does Miss Manners have a category for it? Does Hallmark carry a thank you card?) Frankly, I was a little relieved not to have it postmarked Return to Sender.

I was a little disappointed but then I remembered that it wasn’t all about me. It was also about the other person.

I also assumed that I would immediately feel better and all would be right in my world. But it wasn't. Now, not to completely blow the theory of forgiveness out of the water, I did feel differently. I know now that I've said all I have to say, I've done what I could, and now I can move on. It is my hope that this person can now move on as well. There is a relief in that knowledge.

Also with that knowledge I realized a whole other concept of forgiveness…when you forgive someone, quite often you’re forgiving yourself as well! It’s very complicated and heavy stuff.

Now that I have done it once, I am looking for other opportunities to forgive. Kind of like the last scene in Scrooged where Bill Murray talks about giving and if you do it and keep doing it, you get addicted to it. I hope that I can keep doing it. I hope that others can forgive me as well.