Step, Ball, Change - Raising Parents Update

 I had alternative titles for this post: Raising Parents Hokey Pokey and This is the worst game of Whack A Mole I have ever played.  This dance move title seems more accurate though.

On Friday we were finally approved by Medicaid.  There was a last minute record request on Thursday that had a by-end-of-next-day turn-around.  Luckily we were able to make it happen because if not, there were actual financial repercussions. 5,015 of them.

At 3:55 pm we were approved for Medicaid. We were so relieved that the 90-day nightmare was coming to an end.

Then my phone rang and it was the caseworker from the facility.  They had reviewed the f-i-l's status and wondered if we would be open to transferring him to a new facility. Because he was deemed Too Healthy for where he is now.

WUT.  

To be fair, we had kind of wondered as he seems to be one of the more relatively healthy residents and even the staff have acknowledged that. He can be mobile in a wheelchair, he has basic verbal abilities, can do very basic care independently, and can make some low-level decisions on his own.   But we hadn't taken it further than a pondering with *waving of hands around my body* going on.  

We hesitantly agreed to an evaluation from the other facility.  It's a block away at furthest and has recently been remodeled.  It closed after the pandemic and now is reopening as a memory care center so this feels like it might be a good fit.  However, it appears to be more of an Assisted Living facility vs. a SNF so we have concerns.   But this is nothing that can't be answered with an evaluation of f-i-l and a tour completed by me.  We have actually became kind of excited about the opportunity.

And then...

Just have a seat...just do it...maybe an adult beverage too.

He fell. That very same day.  And didn't tell anyone. AGAIN. And yes, even in the facility.  

He was standing in his room and fell; bonked his head and hurt his back.  Again. It happened in the late morning and he didn't tell anyone until late afternoon.  We are waiting for the x-rays but it sounds like he re-injured L1 and L2.  The bonk on the head did not present with a bruise or even a red mark so we're thankful for that.  The original injury recovery for L1 and L2 was estimated at 6 mos. to never.  We are not even 90-days into that timeframe.

Now he's back to bedridden and on painkillers again.  We're hoping that the painkillers are temporary so we don't have another episode of hospital delirium.  Update: they are because he doesn't want to take them.

I am going to tour the new facility tomorrow all the same. We don't know if the injury will disqualify him or not.  The hope is that they will still say "Come on over" and then perhaps he'll be in a facility more suited for him.   The person I spoke to said they're a SNF and Assisted Living with a Memory Care focus, so I'm hopeful.

Funny interesting, not funny haha, is that way back in the 1900's when I was in high school, I was a busboy/dishwasher at the new facility.  I actually liked the job, it was part-time and I could work there around my other job(s).  I ended up quitting because Satan and his family didn't like that I worked on the sabbath. Sigh.

So in less than three hours we went from the high of finally accomplishing Medicaid and the possibility of an exciting move to what-feels-like right back to square one.  This, I am sad to acknowledge, seems to be the theme of this part of life.  

AND Step, Ball, Change.

Today I visited the possible new facility and it is AMAZING.  It's more residential than hospital and they assure me they can meet all his needs. He would be in a shared room but it has a bathroom in the room, and can be made to be much more homelike.  Also, it feels like they won't allow him to pout in his room and will have him eating with the residents instead of in his room.   

I also spoke with the current facility who feels like this fall is not going to prevent him from being transferred. WHEW.  They feel like there was just bruising and general soreness from falling.  Double Whew.

Now that I'm excited about the change, I'm waiting for the pendulum to swing and change that.

But we're back to waiting for Medicaid to complete their part of the process.  I'm supposed to have a call from them tomorrow for next steps.  Oh, I think I forgot to mention that I have a new caseworker. The one I had is "working in a different department now" and I'm hoping that different department is the janitor's closet. (no shade to janitors)

And of course, the new facility had a list of required documents. The facilities only share health information amongst themselves, not full files and that seems silly.  But you know me, I had everything ready and just clicked Send to the provided email.

We haven't approached this subject with Dad yet. (broached? what's the right word there) because we don't want to get his hopes up and/or make him anxious.  The last time there was a change he was low-key suicidal.  We're hoping that we can HYPE this potential move up so that he will be excited too.

As we know though, things can change in a minute.  Step, ball, change.

In Search of Ice Cream

 Few things will sum up the past two years of our lives better than this story.

Last weekend was one of those lingering summer weekends.  We didn't have plans, for once, other than a visit to the father-in-law.

After our visit, we both commented that it felt odd not to have something looming above us needing to be done.  I mentioned that it felt like too nice of a day to just head home.  This started the never-ceasing-in-a-marriage "Where do you want to go?" conversation.

Something in my head said "Ice Cream"  I phrase it like that because I'm not a big fan of ice cream.  I mean, it's not terrible.  It's just not my favorite.  It IS Kevin's favorite though.  So he readily agreed.

There is a big farm stand/ice cream shop/tourist place out on an island that is known for good ice cream.  This island has bridges to cross and is accessible two ways, both rurally.  The closest route is about fifteen...maybe twenty minutes away heading south.

That was the plan, until we go down the big hill from the hospital and spot two things: the freeway is at a near standstill and there is a freight train going through town.  (you have to love small towns)  We discussed it and decided to go through town, once the train was through, and take the backroads.

Then we sat in traffic.  Because train and freeway, that section of town was a mess.  It was safe to say that when we arrived to the even smaller town where the bridge to the island was, it would probably also be a mess. Because that is where the train is heading and  that is the direction of the slow traffic.

Instead of just going home or finding ice cream elsewhere, we decided to take the other route.  This includes going through miles of farmland and way out of the way.   But: ice cream.

Finally we arrive and the parking lot is full.  FULL.  Because it's a nice Saturday afternoon at the end of summer.  Not to be daunted, we parked then walked to the ice cream portion of the farmers market. 

The line ran outside and circled along the building.  It would be every bit of a twenty minute wait and then no where to sit.  Sidenote: eating in the car is one of my least favorite activities.  Also, we're both feral when it comes to crowds now AND we're again trying to lessen our exposure so we don't put anyone at risk visiting Dad.

After petting a dog and taking a family photo for strangers, we reluctantly and frustratedly returned to the car.  The option for ice cream is now a Dairy Queen or an ice cream shop way back where we began when we decided ice cream was a good idea.  Except, there was one other option.  In a whole other town, an additional 15-20 minutes away, west. Further away from home.

We discussed that maybe ice cream wasn't an option for us and we headed back home.

We decided to cut across farm land to go home versus backtrack into town and get on the freeway.  At the intersection of the highway and the farmland, Kevin actually said "Eff it. I want ice cream. I'm getting ice cream." and turned on his turn signal.

I just laughed because this is ridiculous and right on par for how everything was going this year.

We traveled on the highway, going over a big bridge because this town is also technically an island, and went through town along the water.  The ice cream shop is way at the end of this town, near a marina and the street dead-ends a block away.

And it was closed.  Of course it was.  The interwebs said it was open but the locked door, closed sign, and no lights would indicate otherwise. 

Now we're in a whole other town.  There is not even a Dairy Queen.  I searched "ice cream near me" and it said that there was an ice cream shop at the opposite end of town.  This is where I say that I'm terrible at reading maps. My brain really struggles with that processing and in my jumbled brain, I didn't think to click "Directions" instead of "Navigation".  The nav app stated it was 13 minutes away, which didn't make sense to me.  This is a five minute town, end to end. But Kevin started driving back out of town so that maybe the map would reroute and give us a better idea.

Yeah, so about that.  This other ice cream shop was on Another Highway further West, and nearly onto Another Island & County.  At this point, we came to our senses and said "Maybe ice cream is not in the cards for us but like, for real" paired with "HOW HARD IS IT TO FIND ICE CREAM"

Finally Kevin asks where the nearest McDonald's is, he would just get ice cream there.  The likelihood of that was low but he was IN IT now.  As we were waiting at a stoplight, I'm trying to think of any alternative to fast food.  There was a grocery store next to us and I said we could go into there and buy ice cream.  "That is not the point. That is not the ice cream we're looking for." he says.

I said only in my head: "These are not the droids you are looking for" because while that's funny to me - a nerd - it would be lost on Kevin who has never watched Star Wars.

Years ago there used to be an A&W drive-in, like in the 1900's but it was completely closed now.  Looking right, I noticed we were next to a coffee stand. Because: of course, we're in the Pacific NW. I said "There's a coffee stand right there and they almost always have shakes..."  After a tiny muttering of wanting ICE CREAM, NOT SHAKES, he turned at the light.

We pulled into the driveway and of course there was a wait.  The person ahead of us only bought two drinks but it took forever.  This was not boding well for us. We persevered and finally it was our turn.  Kevin announces that he wanted ice cream but the ice cream shop was closed and does she have ice cream. All in one breath.  The barista laughed and was puzzled that the shop was closed. "It's a Saturday!  The Farmer's Market was this morning!"  "I KNOW RIGHT!?!?!" Kevin replied at medium-to-high volume with an accompanying throwing of hands.

Finally, Kevin gets a strawberry shake and I get a blended mocha.  A win for me and a half-hearted victory for Kevin.  We could have just gone home and stopped at our friend's coffee stand for this. And it wasn't until days later that I realized that we should have checked to see if the ice cream place was just temporarily closed.  Like they just ran to the store or whatever.  

But then we wouldn't have had an adventure and a break from reality.

Ice Cream Shop...closed
This was from a different trip...I was actually working on this day

        

Not Prepared - A Guide to the Not-Quite-The End of Raising Parents

Here is a little To-Do or What to Expect When You're Aging post for those of you who are interested.  

Summed up:  the Entering a Facility and Medicaid process is slow and excruciating. It is out of our control.  NONE OF THESE THINGS WE ENJOY NOR LOOK FORWARD TO.

In this situation, and all aging parents in skill nursing facilities (SNF), there are many moving parts:

Who is paying?  State? (Medicaid) Federal (Medicare) or Private Pay.  

 What are the Current Issues?  What landed them in a SNF

What are the Permanent Issues?  These are things that cannot or will not improve.

Has the baseline been met?  As in, has the patient gotten to the point of No Improvement?  Because sometimes a temporary stay is enough. However, start working on the Medicaid process even if they return home. Because at that point, it's only a matter of time.

Are there underlying issues?  Mental Health is also considered an underlying issue. These can waver between Current and Permanent.  AND there will be discoveries of issues you are not aware of.  I mention that to prevent others from being surprised.  I knew his medical stuff by heart and there were still things that were discovered.  

Also people have the tendency to Fake It Until They Make It.  Or Mask.  Once they are at the point of being in a hospital or SNF, they are no longer able to mask.  This was a surprise to us.  Expect what feels like a "sudden" decline.  While yes, there is obviously a negative change, what you are seeing is the person's inability to fake it any longer.  Examples: memory, speech or physical loss.

All the Housing/Care Options: 

• Home or Home with a Health Aide either part time or full time. This is almost always private pay and nearly no one can afford that kind of situation.  Medicaid will pay for it in situations.  Also, finding someone consistent is nearly impossible.
• Adult family care homes, basically a boarding home for the elderly that provides some care.
• Assisted Living - independent living but with nursing staff on site and other services.
• SNF - mostly known as nursing homes.  These also have levels of care: rehab, long-term, hospice.
• Memory Care Centers - these are SNF for people with active dementia.  Lock-down facilities and it is permanent.
• Finally, literally, is Hospice.  Hospice can be utilized in any of these situations.                               

This is where I say that commercials on television are so very misleading.  They make is seem like housing is readily available and affordable for everyone.  This is not the case.  We learned that most facilities will work with the family if they know that the Medicaid process is underway; however not ALL will.  AND most SNF's are hospital-like settings, not cozy apartments like they show on television.

This also has to be acknowledged: people who say "Oh, I would never put Mom in a home."  I won't be bold enough to say "Yes, you will" but I will say - gently - You don't know what you're saying.  Caring for an elderly loved one is exhausting and sometimes impossible.  As much as you don't like it, it is necessary to keep your loved one SAFE.  Most people cannot afford and/or have the needed training, equipment and fortitude to care for a person.

Medicaid:  To qualify for Medicaid, a person has to be destitute or nearly.  An option is to sign over any/all assets that will then be liquidated upon the person's passing.  It feels like not enough people know this. We did not know this  This can leave nothing/little to the estate; so if family members are banking on an inheritance,  this puts it at risk.

Timeline:  We are approaching 90-days wait for the Medicaid approval.  It's my understanding that this is considered a usual wait time.   The process is painfully slow and invasive. They ask for a ridiculous amount of information. Sing it with me: Please have Power of Attorney and access to financial and medical records.  What is disconcerting is the SNF staff are nonchalant about this process. It is their every day and they're not worried about it. They know eventually the Medicaid will be approved.  Because most likely it will, although it may take several attempts or delays.

The Patient:  The patient, unless legally deemed incapacitated, has final say.  If they are borderline, they can refuse to stay.  The SNF can try to convince them.  They can call EMS to try to convince them, if they try to leave the building unattended. The family can try to convince them.  But if in right mind, they can opt to leave.  Even with a Durable Power of Attorney, the patient has the final say.  To circumvent this situation is very simple: you have to lie.  You have to say it's "only until you get stronger" or "we'll work on that tomorrow" ad nauseum.

The facility encourages us to "join him in his reality" and passively agree when statements about going home are made.  They also said that there will come a time for the family to say "This is your home now" and to expect a sudden decline shortly thereafter.

The Five Stages of Grief is VERY MUCH at play at this point of the process; for the family as well.

Advocate:  Bottom line is you have to advocate.  Advocate for the Medicaid process, advocate for the loved one. Advocate for yourself.   During one financial review (I'm on 2 of 3 now) I had to tell them that this is Daunting, Stressful and placing an Undue Burden on me and the family.  I will say, for me, the tone changed once I said it.  I will whisper-shout to you  that "undue burden" can be a helpful buzzword. Do not allow caseworkers make you do their footwork. Call for an update. Call with Questions. Call to confirm receipt of requested documents.  Request a different caseworker if needed.

Ask the staff of the SNF for help, to answer questions, to provide any available accommodations or services. We have told them "We have never done this before and you have.  Please help guide us through."

This has taken a month to write and has been three different formats and varied topics therein.  I hope that this version is a helpful How To for something you're experiencing or planning for. We thought we were prepared and we were very much Not Prepared.

Whimsy

 You know a development that I've enjoyed now that I'm older?  WHIMSY

I credit the interwebs for this as we discover that it's National Dog Day or Daughter Day when we log into social media.  For all its awfulness, it has also created whimsy.

I like that in this current timeline there are such things as:

Fat Bear Week.  If you don't know about this, let me share:  Each year the Katmai National Park in Alaska has a contest to guess/vote for the fattest bear.  That's all.  Simple. Pure.  You vote online HERE  Then you can watch the progress narrow down like a March Madness bracket.

Pi Day (March 14th) or 

Star Wars Day (May 4th) or 

The day Marty and Doc visited in the future (October 21st) or 

Ferris Bueller took the day off. (June 5th)

The Best Day of the Year is April 25th

Yesterday was Mean Girls Day  and on Wednesdays, We Wear Pink.

Maybe it's because I'm a nerd that I know of these dates. I hope not.  

I hope that everyone takes a moment to have a piece of pie on March 14th or take the day off from responsibilities on June 5th

Every Day is International Dog Day

Not Everyone Has A Me

 If you're wondering how many pieces of chocolate it takes to possibly quell an oncoming anxiety attack, the answer is four.

The past three four weeks have been rough, nearly unbearable at times.  So far, everyone is still alive but people have been on the rocks from time to time.

I just finished an interview with the Medicare people.  Exactly one month after I submitted the paperwork and it happened ONLY because I started phoning every number available to me and leaving messages.  We're not going to mention that they said they didn't get messages.  Well, we will say it that one time.

Paperwork for insurance, financing, medical is stressful on the best day.  I gather and process paperwork for my job.  It's kind of my thing.  I have a now-unorganized stack of paperwork on my table in my office that has been sitting there for a month.  The majority of which was faxed to Medicaid one month ago.  The steps go: apply online, wait for a letter requesting documents, provide documents, wait for an interview, interview, wait, provide more documents, wait, and eventually get an answer that hopefully arrives before the person who needs it dies. 

I just clicked "send" on the second batch of paperwork for Medicaid.  It's taken so long that they needed update bank statements.  Also, my f-i-l banks at a big national bank with a terrible reputation and I'm not familiar with their statements.  My little credit union provides everything in one statement: checking, savings, loan, credit card.  So what had happened was I had missed sending the savings account statements.  Because: of course.

While I was on the phone with the Medicaid person, I opened his bank account online and started Print to Save as PDF his statements.  I faxed those and his updating checking account statements within an half-hour of the conversation.  I also put "PLEASE CONFIRM RECEIPT" in large, bold lettering on the coversheet.

It's now a week later and no confirmation receipt.  We did, however, get a letter printed a week ago and just received, stating that we had missing forms and a deadline of 9/23 (received on the 20th) and if we fail to do so, we will have to begin this process over again.   The amount of abject frustration that I feel has no description.  Cue BFF Swistle who very aptly described it as such:

"It is like a circus-themed obstacle course with flaming hoops, flaming trampolines, flaming tightropes—and you are navigating them, with people saying to you, “Um, can you specify what time of day you went through the flaming hoop?? Uh huh, and the second time you say you went through the hoop, when was that? No, sorry, we can’t provide any verification of the hoop-passage; you’ll have to try it again.”

AND THEN  they also sent a copy of the letter to my father-in-law TO THE FACILITY.  Cue a worried phone call from my nearly 86-year-old f-i-l who has dementia and is in a long term care facility.

THEN cut to me phoning said Medicaid worker and leaving a curt voice message about how that is CERTAINLY NOT a good idea and by the way, I requested a confirmation and didn't receive one AND don't give me a deadline then NOT tell me that I've fulfilled my responsibility to said deadline.

FOR EFFS SAKES

Sidenote: My given name is now an internet meme representing a terrible person.  It was funny for five minutes and now I'm exhausted by it.  BECAUSE that meme now causes me to be OVERLY SOLICITOUS and gracious when sometimes it is not warranted.

Tomorrow I will phone every number that I have to get confirmation of receipt of the requested documents and ask for an update, again.  It will be two months as of next Friday that I began this process. TWO MONTHS.  My next step is to email the governor and my state representatives about the abhorrent  process it takes to get someone enrolled in Medicaid.  I will, indeed, become the internet version of myself.  

Because not everyone has a Me to do this.  What happens to the folks who simply cannot meet these requirements JUST TO APPLY.  I can rationalize that the agency is short-staffed.  I cannot rationalize basic human decency.  We're not talking library books, we're talking people.  People who are clearly in crisis or they wouldn't be applying.

AND we can go through this just to  be denied on - what feels like a whim - because "You accidentally failed to report that $50 in Starbucks Rewards Cash."  (also a quote from my lovely BFF)

It's Not A Flying Car

 This is going to be chockful of privilege and I apologize in advance.  Might it help to keep in mind that Kevin and I both grew up poor and started in low-wage earning fields as young adults.

On a whim, sorta, we bought a car.  A new-to-us Honda, just a few years old.  You might have just thought, if you're a long-time dear  reader, "Didn't you just buy a new truck not long ago?"  The answer would be yes.

What had happened was:

Originally when Kevin finally convinced me to buy a new car, I was looking at the mid-size SUV's.  I really liked Subaru and I really liked the Nissan.  Our mechanic friend said an emphatic No to the Nissan because they have issues.  He liked the Subaru though so I was mildly looking for one of those.  I still had not accepted the idea of a car payment after literal decades of not having one.

Then, Kevin found a truck.  I've almost always drove a truck so this was okay with me.  It had four doors so it was kind of like an SUV and it was a really nice truck. Also, it was perfect for where we live as winters have become more winter-like. I drove it for almost two years but to be honest, it wasn't my favorite.  It had the cool factor but not the convenience factor.  

One of the many times that we were traveling back and forth from places this month, Kevin asked if I still liked the truck. And...I hesitated.  He pounced on that pause like a cat on a mouse.  He really should have been a lawyer.  

After having a week of work and extra errands and walkies, I admitted that I was pretty tired of getting up into the truck repeatedly.  It is also too high for a certain twelve-year-old dog who also hates being picked up so, so much. He agreed that it truly is too big for me and even as he ages, it's probably not our best choice.  We had already agreed on this when we bought it: eventually we would need a grown-up car.   

However, I also said that there was too much going on right now and too many changes and let's just not worry about it.  The fact that it was inconvenient was not an emergency.

Well, Kevin heard "Emergency" and kicked into Problem Solving Mode.  We drove through a dealership where we have the truck serviced to see if there was anything that I liked.  I was meh about two vehicles that we found there and we didn't really look beyond that.  He found a Honda CR-V that he liked and I was meh about.  I liked a Toyota Rav-4 better.  We went home and I didn't think about it again.

He woke me up on Saturday with a plan.  "Let's go get breakfast, look at a few cars, then go visit Dad.  We'll just look."  Which again, if you're a long time reader we don't "just look" at vehicles or dogs. It always results in us bringing one home.

I admit, I was a little peevy about it.  I had things to do and this was the last thing on my list EVER.  He said we would just go look and get questions answered; which we both know is unlikely.  I countered any lingering resentment by telling myself "Boohoo, your husband wants to buy you a new car that you can afford."  Because: I am a grown-up with childlike coping skills.

We went to the Toyota dealership because they have good ratings across the board and we were trading in a Toyota so we thought that would be the best choice.  Unfortunately they did  the salesman run-around thing.  

We were clear what we wanted and how we wanted it: no down payments, Absolutely NOT a bigger payment and not a longer loan term if possible.  We had researched and it looked like we could almost do an even trade, depending on how "new" the new vehicle was.  We were thinking 5-10 years old. 

There was a blue RAV-4 that I really liked but it was a little out of our price range. We believe the dealership could have made it happen if they really wanted to.  There was a red Honda CRV that really caught Kevin's attention. She had us drive the Toyota because the Honda wasn't available.  BUT SHE WENT WITH US and only "allowed" us to drive around the block. 

When we returned, we told her we were on a timeline and we weren't sticking around to buy a car.  She needed to make the Honda available or we would have to move on. We explained where Kevin's dad was and that it was recent; so there was a sense of urgency implied. (and: true)

We went inside because she assured us that it would be quick as possible then walked away. I set a timer on my phone for thirty minutes.  At thirty-five minutes we declined their offers on a RAV-4 and they were getting the CRV returned so that we would come back to look at.  

Reluctantly, we went and had lunch then returned. I looked at the CRV and drove it but it didn't feel right.  It just didn't fit so I said no thanks. She was astounded and probably a little annoyed.  We both remained in our camps: I liked mine and he liked his. 

 She brought out the sales manager, which is a deal breaker for me.  It's a manipulative tactic and I don't have the patience for it.  We listened and they tried one more time to make any sort of a deal; offering everything that we DIDN'T want. We walked out, frustrated.

On a whim, we stopped at the Honda dealership just down the road. At this point, I was frustrated and just wanted to go home.  Recognizing that, we didn't even get out of the truck and Kevin talked to the salesman through the window when he approached us.  Kevin explained what happened at the Toyota dealership, what our expectation was, and that we weren't even Getting Out of the Truck if he couldn't make it happen.  He had a really good vibe and was all Challenged Accepted.  He said he could AND that he would very much like to outsell the Toyota dealership. And that we would eventually have to get out of the truck.

We parked and looked at three vehicles.  An HRV, which is the small low-buck Honda SUV.  It was too small and neither of us liked it. Clearly a cheaper car.   We looked at a newer CRV 2023? that was the color that Kevin loves. (because I said "No grey, black, or white. I want a COLOR." and the RAV-4 I didn't get was a pretty blue)  It was not going to be in our price range.  Then we looked at a newer version of the CR-V that I had turned down at the other dealership.  I sat in and actually really liked it. What a difference a few years make in design and styling.

The salesman got the deal done in less than twenty-minutes. I didn't even set the timer on my phone, he hustled to make it happen.  The first invoice the payment was $15 more and he caught it then changed it without us asking.  It took about an half hour + for the financing part, which was a bummer, but then we left with a new-to-us CR-V, burgundy with all the options. It does not have leather seats which I love (they're cold/hot and they wear and crack) and they're HEATED.  It has faux wood trim, which I though would be a little cheesy but looks nice. Oh, the RAV-4 had a sunroof and I really miss having one.  THIS ONE HAD ONE, oh happy day.

They added about one year onto the contract but it's warrantied and has GAP insurance and free services; all at a lower interest rate. No money out of pocket at all and for a newer car than we had hoped for.  The savings we'll get on gas will make up the one year addition in no time at all.  The Tacoma got terrible mileage, one more compelling reason to not have it anymore.

We were both emotional leaving that truck behind because we did really like it, it just wasn't practical for us.  This was one of those rare grown-up decisions that we have to make being a childless couple. This will most likely be our forever car unless we bought something else if we were to sell the big truck.

But the facebook keeps showing me the ad for my old truck at the dealership and It's Hurting My Feelings.  It was such a cool and fun truck, it was just too big for me.  We really thought it would sell quickly but it's been there almost three weeks now. 

Then a funny thing: We realized that we bought the exact same car as Kevin's BFF.  His is a year newer.  Same color, same wheels, same features.  They went to dinner the other night and Kevin learned all about the features that we didn't know about. We didn't know about it because we didn't give the salesman the opportunity to "sell" us the car. That, in retrospect, might not have been our best idea.  But we're discovering just fun things so all's well.

I think Kevin just needed to have something fun happen and to feel like he had control over something when everything feels out of control.  It was a little bit of an impulse buy, which is a specific kind of ridiculous. It's rare for him to do something for himself and for us like this.  We always make do and make the reasonable choice. This was very much impulsive yet still reasonable.

I'm not having buyers remorse for my car but it is so much different than anything we have ever had.  All in all, we're feeling pretty good about the decision and I think we will enjoy this much more.  I have had to go to two meetings which required a little travel and it really is more easy and enjoyable to drive.

A picky detail was that the front door windows weren't tinted but the rear ones were.  The last two vehicles I have driven had tinted windows. It felt a little like a fishbowl without the tint, especially with the sunroof open.  One mention to Kevin and he made an appointment at a friend's shop to have them tinted.  It was surprisingly inexpensive to have it done and it was such an improvement.

At one point, I mentioned to Kevin that the poor children we were would be MIND BLOWN that we have a Jetson car now.   It has driver-assist and remote start and it does the ticktock thing of holding the remote then the windows all go down.  It does things that we don't even know, lol.  It has the eco-feature of stopping the engine if you're waiting at the stoplight for more than a certain time.  It is disconcerting,  for real.  

Two days later, the first dealership called us and had a car for us.  I pleasantly told her "No thanks. We went down the street and bought a car an hour later that day which was very satisfying.  AND it appears that both cars we drove at that dealership are Still There.  So: nanner to them.

Maybe our next car will be a flying car...

Just Buy Yourself a Drink

 You know what? I want to talk about something other than Medicaid and SNF and aging.

Unfortunately, there is very little else happening right now.

So this is just a toss it up and walk away post.

When Kevin got Covid, twice, he lost his sense of smell and taste. It's been three years as of this weekend and they haven't fully returned.  

Because of that, things he loved before were now rendered yukky or tasteless.  Soda is spit-it-out-immediately yukky.  Coffee just tastes bleh.

So our friend, who owns the coffee stand nearby, had us try a Lotus drink.  It's a natural energy drink without all the chemicals and high rates of sugar.  It's kind of like Kool-Aid for grownups.  

We were skeptical because it has carbonated water and soda tastes gross.   But he tried it and LOVED it. Finally something that tasted good and made him happy.

Then we bought a new-to-us truck which required loan payments.  Kevin did the math and our Coffee/Lotus budget was now our Truck Budget.  Kevin wasn't my friend for a while there.  

It was mentioned that we could make it at home; just order the Lotus online then buy the flavors and the seltzer water.  There was hope in Whoville again.

Now two years later, we have a Lotus bar instead of a coffee bar like "normal" people.   We have three flavors of Lotus, a small Soda Stream, and all the syrup flavors.   We probably lost money initially setting this up but now we're back in the black.  

Anyway, this so bougie and I do have a point.  If you're tired of coffee but still need a little zing and you don't want a can of chemical energy drink, these are a great option.  Starbies has the pink and purple drinks but these are different.  

Most coffee stands have Lotus drinks now but some are limited to just basic flavors.  Just ask them. They'll ask what type of Lotus and the most common is blue or pink. There are so many options, the limit is your imagination and taste buds.  

Kevin likes sweet and I like tart so we learned that about each other.  Here are our go-to drinks:

Kevin

• Cantaloupe and Guava
• Cantaloupe and Pear
• Peach and Pear

Me

• Strawberry and Coconut - like the pink drink. You can add creamer.
• Dragonberry - Dragonfruit, blackberry and raspberry

Our friend has two specialty drinks: 

Get-Em - strawberry, blackberry and dragonfruit.  (watermelon, if no dragonfruit)

Tequila Sunrise - Peach and Mango with  a little bit of orange juice.  And yes, she has tested it with tequila and says it's good.

The Nephew likes Kiwi but that is TART.  OMG TART.  

You can also go basic with flavors like just grape or apple; kind of like a carbonated Jolly Rancher candy.  There's a Hawaiian Punch flavor that it like a combination of all the flavors.  The ticktock app has creators who feature different drinks too so a simple search will give you a ton of ideas.  Also, the aisle of flavors in the restaurant supply store will BLOW YOUR MIND.  (all of this is orderable online too, btw)

And everything is recyclable.  The plastic cups and straws are dishwasher safe usually so just hand wash the lids.  So that's a win too.

Now you know.  You can roll up to a coffee stand and order a 20 oz. Lotus with whichever flavor you want and if they ask what flavor Lotus, just say "What do you recommend?" and let them guide you.   It's usually less than a coffee/mocha/latte in price and it's nice in the summer when coffee feels heavy.

So bougie.  Also: this is a car payment

Picture for clout.  Kevin and our friend at the coffee stand

We Will Worry About that Tomorrow

 Well, as the internet says "It's been a long month this week". When last we talked, my father-in-law was in the hospital with a broken back and other big health concerns.

I checked him into a nursing home yesterday, forever.  It played out exactly how we needed but so much quicker than we were prepared for.

The hospital kept him for five days: Friday Night to Wednesday afternoon, which includes Three Midnights. (this is important)  They stabilized him as best they can due to the health issues he has.  We were a little confused as to why they didn't keep him until they were resolved.  But we figured, it was a financial decision because our health care system is broken.

It was coordinated with the care facility where he was before and they arranged transportation.  All I had to do was show up to complete the intake. 

Having him in an adult care facility instead of a skilled nursing facility (referred to as SNF. "Sniff") when it was determined it was no longer medically necessary was our next option. He could not return home.  To do that,  I had to register him for Medicaid because he wouldn't be covered by Medicare after he was considered "healed and healthy".  This is a tedious process and takes a long time.  (please have Power of Attorney, Release to Share Medical Information, and access to accounts for your elderly parents. I beg you)

And it turns out that he is considered "over-income" for Medicaid because his social security benefit is on the high  end of the scale AND he has some savings.   We would have to "spend down" his savings and checking in a very limited way in order for him to qualify.  Essentially we would need to make him destitute.  HOWEVER, the fact that his social security benefit was "high" it made him "attractive" to more care facilities.  It's outrageous.

Meanwhile, the hospital changed his hospitalization status and he had to stay Three Midnights in order to transfer directly to a SNF and have Medicare pay for it.  They will pay for his care if he "medically qualifies" and that was achieved yesterday.  He was fast-tracked to a SNF.

During the intake, the twelve-year-old admissions person was going through insurance and supplemental plans and mentions "Oh, he's covered for 100 days and it will be easy after that..." and "Oh good, he has Medicare Plan G".  We were understanding that the first 20 days were paid and it was contingent on evaluations for the following 30 days then we would have to switch to Medicaid.

So, I asked "For clarification, what you're saying is Medicare will pay for this whole thing, until the...end?"  She said yes.  He medically qualifies for Medicare to cover his stay.  

I was relieved that we didn't have to spend all of his money and I didn't have to keep jumping through hoops AND that it was covered.  The end result and/or reason for this had not occurred to me yet.

Then I met the social worker assigned to Dad.  He is fabulous.  I loved him ON SIGHT.  I think Mom and her siblings conspired from the Great Beyond to send this man to us.  He's amazing.

We sat down to go over health issues and concerns and what landed him here in the first place.  We discussed what our expectations were "Safe, healthy and happy" and that we can no longer provide that for him.  He responded with "Of course you can't. It's too much"

Then he asked what Dad likes.  I had to think about it and said "Flirting. He will flirt with all the ladies" which they laughed and said would be fun. Then I said "Sugar.  He loves treats but he's diabetic."  Brandon said "Then we'll give him the treats.  Why not?"

And it was like a punch in the face.  Why not?  Because we're at the end.  Why are we worried about it at this point of life.  Give him the cookie.

Then he reviewed the orders from the hosptial and asked about any appointments.  I mentioned that the hospital advised that he have a follow-up appointment with his regular doctor in  two weeks.  I asked if they felt that was necessary.  Without a beat he said "No, because we got him."

Deep breaths.

Then he asked about a scheduled cardiac stress test and an evaluation for a surgical procedure that was scheduled prior to the accidents. I explained that it was because he was falling all the time and they were  trying to determine a) why and b) do a procedure so if he fell it wasn't a panic situation.  Brandon said "But why? to what end?  He's here now.  He's 85 and at the end of his life. Why would we put him through that?"

I was flooded with relief and with just abject sadness. Mix in a little validation as well.  Moreover, I didn't fully realize until I was walking out of the facility that This is It.  We're at The End.

This is why the hospital didn't keep him.  This is why the hospital didn't have a treatment plan for his blood pressure, fluid on his lungs, and edema.  There is no fixing him now.

I don't remember who it was now, there's been too many people.  They said "You did it. You kept him safe and healthy and home for as long as you could.  Now he'll be safe and happy here.  You did it, you're done now."

It has to be acknowledged that he can "rally" and yes, it's similar to the rally that happens during Hospice.  Even if he did, it would be short-lived.  It would not be enough for him to return home. Even if he suddenly became physically stronger, his mental status would not allow it.  

Because all of that wasn't enough from the Universe.  In the last two days, my father-in-law developed Hospital Delirium.  It's like dementia, caused by an underlying condition and/or trauma.  He has a myriad of underlying conditions - including dementia - and trauma so he is the poster child for this.

It includes memory loss, agitation, and hallucinations; all of which we've experienced with him. For him, it will most likely not resolve because at his age and advanced health and now in a SNF; it's unlikely.  Even if the Delirium resolves, he is not mentally capable enough.

That was the icing on  the cake for the Medically Necessary status determination.  

It also makes this easier because he's not fully cognizant of what's happening.  As far as he's aware, he's just there until "he gets stronger" and our scripted response to questions about the future is "We will worry about that tomorrow" until we run out of tomorrows.

Whiplash and Emotional Damage

 It's been a minute since we've had a Raising Parents story and shew buddy is this a big one.

Earlier this month we made a trip to the Emergency Department because the f-i-l fell AGAIN.  AGAIN. We have genuinely lost count.  AND he won't tell us if he falls and doesn't have a visible mark that makes us ask. This means the amount of falls taken versus the amount  reported are probably vastly different.

What started this was he did an errand for the brother for unknown reasons, and he lifted something heavy out of the van. He fell onto his face, onto the concrete.

He did not call me and I was home all afternoon.

The brother got home at 4:30 and they got into a verbal altercation over the f-i-l being reckless.  What the brother SHOULD HAVE DONE is taken him directly to the E.D.  Then an hour later, sister gets home to an argument and a mess.  STILL NO TRIP TO THE ED.  

I still don't know that any of this has happened. Nor does Kevin.

Then 15-30 minutes later, Kevin gets home to all of the above.  He went next door, came home about ten minutes later after sending me a text with a photo of the f-i-l.  He just sat down at the kitchen counter, speechless.  He is never speechless.  He looked shell-shocked.

The entire right side of f-i-l's face was swollen and his eye shut. It's bloody scraped and there was a softball sized bruise on his forehead/temple.  It was JARRING to see.

Kevin explained what happened and that they - the whole family - argued.  I said "BUT HE HAS TO GO TO THE EMERGENCY DEPARTMENT RIGHT NOW"  Kevin exhaustedly asked did I really think so and I had to take a deep breath.  YES, he should have gone three hours ago when he fell and didn't call me. He should have gone two hours ago when the brother got home and a half hour after that when the sister got home  FTLOGAATHFuck.

He's on blood thinners so this is an Emergency (tip: ask your parents if they're on blood thinners. It's very important to know that, btw)  This fall was worse than his mother's initial fall and that fall is what started the whole going-downhill-to-hospice for her.

He said that WE should take him because they care for him 24/7, and that made me have to focus breathe for a second. Then he said they were elbow-deep in food prep for the wedding they agreed to cater. (a whole other story on a different topic)  Fine, whatever.

We race down to the Emergency Department and he is immediately taken back and a Trauma Code is called. Just like with Kevin's mom, but this one was worse because hers wasn't bleeding and was "only" a knot instead of a softball sized bruise.  They did a stat CT, just like on television, then did all the labs, etc.  He was "fine" and no signs of a concussion but not to take his meds to prevent brain bleed, and to follow up with the doctor. 

Oh, and during all of this, he's being flip, downplaying, and doing the one-shoulder shrug because "I'm fine" GAAAAAAAHHHH

We were there for almost four hours, all said and done, on a weeknight nonetheless. When we arrived home, Kevin took him back into the house.  I didn't go inside because I still wanted to shout WHY DIDN'T YOU TAKE HIM TO THE EMERGENCY DEPARTMENT.

Now we're back to the Waiting for the Bad Thing to Happen. He refuses to use a walker or a cane.  He refuses to stop doing things to avoid falling.  He's done physical therapy and has/had a workout plan at a gym AND he's still falling. We cannot keep him safe and he refuses to try.

But as of that incident, there is a truce next door for now. 

With the siblings, we are a little bit SEE? We told you about this with Mom and you kept saying "She's fine"  Now they're experiencing it first hand so it's their turn. All we can say is "I know, right?"

Oh, and after much debate, it turns out he doesn't want to use a walker because "It's too hard to go pay pills and use a walker."  Which is Old Man Code for "I can't flirt with the ladies if I use a walker."  All.of.the.sighing.

Well, here we are Sunday morning and  Kevin's dad is in the hospital.    He fell at least two times Friday - he initially told me three - and I had to call the ambulance. It was100% self-inflicted. He mowed the siblings yard on the riding lawn mower, got off, bent over to pull weeds and fell.  He said he fell twice outside but now he said he didn't.  He got himself up and into the house.  Where he felt like it was a good idea to TAKE A SHOWER.

Yep, you guessed it.  He fell in the shower.  He again got himself up and mostly dressed then phoned me.  I phoned the ambulance while I was walking over to the house.  He was in his chair and short of breath and confused, then owly.  Because that is my favorite.  

Eleventy paramedics arrived but they went to the parents house first and I had to go get them. So I need to be more specific with 911 next time as it was just habit for the Fire Department and Ambulance to go to their house.

He told them a different story: He only fell twice, he wasn't short of breath, he didn't hit his head, etc.  I walked into the kitchen and mentioned that he was a big fat liar.  They laughed and said that it wasn't unusual in these situations.  I gave them the health history list on my phone (tip: have a notes app with health history on your phone)  and filled in the blanks with what happened, which included shortness of breath, dizziness, and all the things he was saying no to.

They asked him if he ate and he said yes. What did he eat? A banana. In  the morning. It was 2:30 pm.  Had he been drinking water? First he said no, then he said yes "Because they bother me about it." fuuuhhhhhhkkkk.  After this and my stating otherwise, they rephrased the questions or tag-teamed to try and get the real answers.  Finally, they loaded him in the ambulance and took him to the ED.

Now I'm scared, of course, because when I first saw him my reaction was "This is it, this is the end" and I'm pissed because he got owly with me about taking his effing keys with him  AND then lied about what happened.  Like Kevin mentioned: this is the first time that I was completely alone AND in a house I'm not familiar with. (for example: 911 said "Give him aspirin, do you have aspirin?"  I have no idea) 

I met Kevin and the siblings at the hospital and he was in a trauma room but one of the big scary ones.  They did x rays, CAT scans, bloodwork, EKG, checked his pacemaker and all the things.  Then we sat for HOURS without an update. HOURS.  Finally, it took myself and Kevin going Terms of Endearment on them to get an answer. It turns out that they had lost one of the scans.  SIGH.  

He broke his back in one of the falls, L-1 & L-2 vertebra, which is not the tailbone but hurts like the tailbone.  Unrelated and ongoing, he has fluid on his lungs again and his blood pressure was ridiculously high. Oh, and they discovered he probably DID have a concussion from the first fall.  I almost forgot that part amongst all the other issues.

Now it's a full 24 hours later and he was still in  the ED.  They don't have a bed for him in critical care so they're keeping him in a trauma room. No door, just a curtain. No television. Just lay on the bed and think about your choices, old man.  We all took turns visiting but there's nothing to say.  

Oh, and he didn't have his hearing aides in because he was in the shower.  He does the passive agreement thing when he can't hear so he's not answering honestly.  We must have told every single person there multiple times that he can't hear them, to raise their voice & look at him, AND that he will answer incorrectly/lie.  I threated to write "DEAF" in sharpie across his forehead.

They won't treat the fluid fully until he's in critical care so we're hoping that it doesn't go into pneumonia.  Pain management is the only thing they can do with the broken back and so far he's on high dose Oxy then they stepped down to pharmaceutical dose of Tylenol. Because of his blood pressure issues, pain meds are an issue.  He's unable to move on his own, can't get up/roll over/sit up unassisted.  It's a mess.

We had already reached the point that we have to talk to the hospital and the doctors about putting him in a facility. Now we have to insist.  Not only can we not care for him as he needs, we can't trust him to make any sort of a good decision. It's like leaving a preschooler home alone; they know right and wrong but they can't self-regulate.  We will talk to the hospital and his doctors to hopefully facilitate this.

Now he's on the general floor and not CCU as planned. I guess this is good news.  He is assigned a case manager and we're hoping to talk to her today.  But we have obligations here at home so we can't get down there yet.  The siblings also have not gone down to visit him.  Everyone is tired.

But, it also gets worse. I know, how can it get worse, you wonder.

On Wednesday he had a car accident and totaled his van.  He rear-ended a RANGE ROVER at an intersection.  He says that the light turned yellow, she abruptly stopped and he hit her.  I don't know if that's accurate or not.  My instinct is that it's adjacent to accurate. 

The van was impounded and the insurance lady brought him home because he called them INSTEAD OF HIS KIDS.  We sent the insurance agent flowers as a giant thank you. (she didn't know that I lived next door...he didn't tell her)

As far as we know the other driver was uninjured.  However, she was hysterical to the point that they called an ambulance. Because of HIPAA, we won't know if she was indeed injured or under the influence or just having a really bad day. 

That incident had started the Does He Get to Drive Again conversation and now we're thinking it's going to be a moot point.  It will be 90-days healing for his back, of which he will be on pain meds and in no ability to drive. And he doesn't have a car.  

Anyway, back to me, lolsigh: I spent Wednesday afternoon emptying the van of all his belongings and doing the paperwork with the tow company.  Then I had to complete the online claim for the insurance company once I got home and field calls/texts from them on Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday.  

Because, again, as Kevin said: We are the Power of Attorney & medical proxy because there isn't Mom to help with anything at all. Not saying she was much help but at least she was THERE.  And she could report what was happening and legally had a say as a spouse/go-between.  

This part is out of context and from when I wrote to my BFF but I'm using it because it's important to acknowledge the toll of Raising Parents:

I actually had to walk away and lay on the bed in a corpse yoga pose to prevent an anxiety attack writing this.  Suffice it to say, I'm at my limit.  I'm going to go have KFC for dinner that I bought yesterday for dinner as a treat. MYGAWD. I just can't even.

Everyone is at their limit right now and it's a fervent hope that we can have him a facility to recover. This will give everyone a break and if he does return home, then we can maybe have plans in place. But we will also not  be surprised if they say no and send him directly home.  Medicare will only pay for a facility if it is medically necessary.  This country desperately needs socialized medicine, we are a shining example of why.

So, that has been our July.  It is ironically coincidental that it's the exact month and instance that headed Mom toward Hospice.  

UPDATE: just since writing this, there has been a change.  He's been evaluated and deemed too week and unsafe to discharge home.  He will be going to a skilled nursing facility sometime this week.  After which, it appears that we will be exploring options for a place for him to live.  He is no longer safe living at home.  So, that is both heartbreaking and a relief.

Also: he can't drive anymore.  The social worker was APPALLED and also said that it wasn't our decision to make, it is deemed a medical decision.  So even if he were to manage returning home, he would no longer be independent.

We, along with the poor woman he crashed into, may have whiplash and emotional damage.

Happy Father's Day

 Father's Day can sometimes be as challenging as Mother's Day.  My dad passed in 2009 and I only felt relief.  The saving grace is Kevin's dad.  As I often say: he can make us want to scream and drink but for the most part: he's the epitome of a good dad.

He's 85 years old and as we've mentioned, he's starting to wind down.  He's still active and doing better moving through this world without his wife. He's still 85.

He's a man who makes sure his family is taken care of, even to his own detriment.  He brings his "daughters" flowers for special occasions, he brags about his sons to waitresses and in the doctors office.  He works in whatever capacity he can to make sure he's "pulling his own weight".  We can't count how many times we've heard "I want to be like him when I'm his age..."

We have a sign that we had made years ago for the parents when they first lived with us.  It became something we all said when another of us helped, did something nice, or even sarcastically.  I rescued it from their house and refurbished it before they took it away.  Now it hangs on our house.

Retrospect via Social Media Melodrama

 There's been some drama on the clock app and I am fascinated. If there is drama, I usually scroll right past it.  Life is too short.  My clock app is set to topics like dogs, writers, libraries, wanderers, photographers, and the such.  I've designed it so that the feed provides a peaceful activity.

However.

One of the people is a creator who I used to follow then her socials changed to a focus I wasn't interested in so I stopped following.  It just wasn't pertinent to me anymore, that's all.

So then yesterday, someone was on my FYP feed in a weird shower cap thing and said "So, I'm not friends with X anymore..."  For some reason, probably the shower cap thing, I stayed and listened.

As I listened, her story was feeling familiar. Like, it felt like I knew the person she was talking about. I didn't investigate any further though, because it's not my drama.  It just felt validating that someone had the same experience as me.

Then today, someone stitched her video and it was the woman I used to follow.  She is part of that friend group and is also no longer friends with X.  Her telling of the story was much more detailed and whew, change the names and I really had lived that story.

Then this afternoon, ANOTHER WOMAN stitched the stitch and was all "ME TOO" and she told her part of the ongoing story.  All of their stories complimented each other in facts and behavior AND added layers to the situation of being friends with X.

Again, I'm all THIS WAS MY LIFE years ago and thank all the gods it isn't anymore.  

What had happened was the X person had a few bad episodes in their life and the friend group rallied around her, just to get destroyed by this person.  X was the victim and there was no discussion otherwise.  There was no other possible option or outcome. Then X proceeded to divide and conquer amongst the friend group so everyone was fighting and nothing was X's fault. Ever.  They were the victim.  Everyone was mad and hurt with everyone else.

AND THEN, the saga continued with screenshots and voice messages and rebuttals; including have a blog post mispresented and used as "evidence" of being a terrible friend. (happened to me) A story about how a birthday was ruined because impossible standards are set and friends were treated like ungrateful and disobedient servants. (change birthday to wedding and probably also a birthday and it happened to me)  I'm telling you: I could have written this whole situation.

This felt so familiar.  It was sadly a relief hearing someone else having this experience.  I recognize that in posting this drama their intention is self-protection and full-disclosure to their followers. BUT I wonder if they realize or considered what a cathartic thing to share with others who have had those same experiences. I wish I had the self-awareness and mental health to deal/cope with the situation back then the way they have.

I wrote about my experience way back in 2009-ish. To summarize: this person is one of the reasons I no longer drink.  This person not only manipulated me but others as well, and took zero personal responsibility.  They damaged relationships. They sh*t talked about me to whomever would listen, including my bio-family.  

The family seemingly took her side and that's one of the reasons for distance there.   Example: my mother told me once that I just "Need to get over it, apologize, and be friends with X again."  I told her that I was not ever going to do that, because they needed mental health help and when I offered to support them in working through that, they told me to F*ck off. So I didn't feel the need to reconcile.  Also, that they had lied and manipulated about so many different people & situations that all trust was irretrievably broken.

And guess who came to the next family gathering.  Yeah.  And all the others following.

Example #2 of how similar this situation is: X bought me tickets to an event "for my birthday". 

Pause: I tried to write this paragraph style, but I'm just going to make a list. It got too confusing.

• They didn't tell me what it was until I got to their house, which was forty-five minutes away from my house.  It was supposed to be a great surprise.
• It was a comedian whom I hated, HATED, and trust that there was no mystery about how I disliked them. (she is now universally disliked, to give a hint)
• Next it was announced that we were riding with two "friends" from their work; both of whom I had never met.  
• The show was in Canada.  They were rude at the border, which is a big deal because that can create consequences at future border crossings and I was crossing regularly.   
• We did not stop for dinner. 
• I sat by myself, which was a gift because X was animatedly "interacting" with the comedian as the show went along. 
• The others drank before, during, and after the show so yes, one of them did drive us home drunk. 
• We did not stop for dinner.  I had a happy meal on the way home at midnight after I left them standing on the sidewalk in front their house

Yet, I was ungrateful and my consequence was radio silence for a while.  Hindsight: I should have just gotten back into my vehicle and gone home at the start.  When a person is in that kind of situation though, you feel guilty and obligated and justify that maybe it will be fun...  You all know the drill, we've all been there.

So, anyway, I could go on and on with examples. It was bad enough that it still feels terrible.  Eventually all of their lies and manipulations were discovered and I severed the friendship.  Actually, I had backed away and gone quiet in an attempt to let time take care of the situation.  It had an opposite effect though and they just ESCALATED.

They say that they ended the friendship and were the victim. They "anonymously" one or two mean girl comments here on the blog, which I deleted without comment. They talked about me to my family and others, including being "iced out" and glared at functions we both attended. And of course, the required long email listing all the things that I had ever done wrong, most of which were false.  No accountability, no self-awareness, and frankly just craziness.

Anyway.  That's just context, it's not the focus of this post.  

What was cathartic watching this online drama unfold was not only that someone else had that same experience.  It was watching the dawning realizations and recovery afterward.  The "Why did I put up with that?"  The "Why didn't I SEE this behavior sooner?"  "Why did I make excuses/accommodations/forgiveness for this person for so long?"

The answer is a bit trite: When you know better, you do better.  You have stronger boundaries, you have more self-awareness, you own your mistakes, you tolerate less. 

You stop making excuses.  "I know, but..." is not a phrase that should be used when explaining or justifying any kind of relationship.  "I know but we've been friends a long time" "I know, but they can be kind  or funny or generous or..."  "I know but they aren't like that usually/when alone"  "I know but I could have handled it better"

Because sometimes the fun friend, the crazy friend, the long-term friend is just the unhealthy, unsafe, and not-really-a-friend, friend.  A person should feel BETTER after spending time together, not exhausted.  

If you have been in this kind of situation then you understand.  I hope that it gives solace that someone else has experienced it and been able to work through it successfully.  

Or if you're in it now, reread or print out the last few paragraphs to support you in making different choices.

If you're curious: the drama on the clock app, the creators are Sensible-Amber. Megan Rose, and Abby. 

Broken Kids Club

 One of the things that I noticed when I was doing the Nostalgia Project was that I didn't keep friends long-term.  I've learned over the past few years that neuro-divergent kids or kids who have ACES scores have trouble making or keeping friends.  It was one of those things that I'm all "Oh, yeah.  That makes sense, because I am both of those."

I had friends all through school, however I was one of those kids who didn't belong to a specific group. Not an outcast, smoking across the street kid or hiding in the library kind of kid. Definitely not the popular or sports crowd, a little bit the drama and music crowd.

I had a main friend group, four girls and four boys and we waxed and waned throughout high school.  It depended who had lunch together or who had to work or was on a different academic path. I've since learned it also depended on any individuals headspace at any given time.

Now with the perspective of many years, I see that it was Broken Kid Meets Broken Kid. 

My childhood best friend moved away in eighth grade, we kept in contact then lost touch as young adults, then thanks to social media found each other again.  She lived in poverty and fell through the cracks because the family moved so much.  She just texted me because a photography tip I learned from the ticktock worked for her. She sent a gorgeous photo from hiking.  

One of my high school bff will randomly message me or vice versa.  We don't spend time together but when we do, it's like none time has passed.  The other I ended the friendship (see "What do We do About A Problem Like Maria) and the other we're friends on social media.  All had complicated homes lives as well.  The boy counterparts are online only and usually a casual comment or message every once in a while.

The broken kid friends cycle didn't stop but improved with adulthood.  Also though, the friendships aren't frequently talking or seeing each other, "normal" kind of friendships; while at this stage of life it feels like that isn't particularly unusual.  I've found that friendships wane as we age; jobs, marriage/relationships, kids, then raising parents for many of us, takes much of a persons time. 

My adult bff lives on the opposite coast.  Kevin thinks it's odd that we don't see each other or talk but write letters and emails, snaps and texts.  It's what works for us.  My other adult bff I see often and is the kind of relationship where you can just be quiet together.  But that relationship takes long pauses as well. Another adult friend is the occasional "Hey, still alive?" message with promises to get together then rinse and repeat until...

Social media has made friendship easier for me and I suspect for many others.  Far-away friends sometimes feel more real than ones you've actually met.  Social media posts are sometimes easier than a text or a call.  Friendship just doesn't seem to exist in the same as it once was.

Faxing, Wading, and Eggs

 The universe just woke up and chose violence today; or at very least: chaos.  I have angered the Gods.

Work has been challenging.  Other than my computer, the next most important tool I need is faxing.  Yes, I said faxing.  Because it is the 90's up in here.

Medical Records operate mostly via faxing.  It's archaic and dumb.  It is supposedly more "secure" than email.  Yes, more secure to send it over sketchy phone lines then let sit on a copier until someone remembers to go get it. *sarcasm font*

Anyway, I request medical records on the daily.  They are faxed to me daily.  The process is configured on my computer as an email set-up so they arrive as attachments.   Thank you, pandemic, for allowing this system to be put into place.

About three weeks ago, the system started acting up and not performing as usual.  I did all the diagnostics on my side of things and tried the timing of said faxing.  Like, 5:30 in the morning, noon, 5:30 at night.  I even tried 8:00 pm; with mixed results.  I had the interweb service come troubleshoot my system before calling in a ticket to my work I.T. department.

Then, right before I was going on a week vacation, it stopped entirely.  SUPER. Love that for me.  Not to worry, I.T. was working on it.  LITERALLY the last hour of my day, they Teams Message for me to send everything I have because they have a temporary work-around.  Immediately and only for FORTY-FIVE minutes.  It was dumb luck that I happened to be sitting at my desk at that time of day.

It was like a dumb game show, with a timer and people waiting - and watching my progress online.  But I prevailed though and got out as much as I could then went on vacation.  I've been back just a little over two days and it is still not fixed.  Rinse and repeat: I.T. messages me that I can have the window open again for about fifteen minutes.  At least this time, I was prepared but it was 8:00 in the morning. I am barely verbal at this point of any day.

So, that's the work thing.

It's been raining non-stop here.  Non-stop.  Today is finally nice and I took Lucy to a new park to let her run around.  Because of said rain, the creek flowing through it was gorgeous. GORGEOUS.  I was taking many photos and letting Lucy roam while we both enjoyed the warm sun. 

Now I have a ring on the back of my phone instead of a pop-it because it works better for me, looks nicer, and allows the phone to lay flat.  That's the theory: it works for me.

Was I using said ring? No.  Did I drop my phone in a flowing creek? Yes.  Did I probably ruin a mom's day by exclaiming "Sh*t! Sh*t Sh*T!" in front her child? Also, yes.

I watched in horror as it landed flat on its back in the water. I had a quick mad thought of "Is it going to float? Is it going to float downstream?" which of course: no.  Instead, it gently zig-zaggedly sunk to the creek bed.  I stared at it for what felt like minutes before stepping two steps into the creek to retrieve it.

I think this might be taken mid-air

My phone has a waterproof and rugged case because Hi, Hello, It's Me. I'm the problem, it's Me.  This is not the first time I've dropped my phone into a moving body of water.  To its credit, the phone seems unharmed other than the speaker is a little crackly until it dries completely.  I sat in the sun on the park bench for a few minutes to recover before bringing Lucy and myself back home.

Now it's lunch and I'm forcing myself to remember to eat lunch every day.  I decided that because this day has gone so well, I would make egg salad. Things to know: a) I am allergic to eggs b) Thus I never learned how to make eggs c) I had to google it and d) it went as expected

I accidentally bought extra-large organic eggs a while ago.  I think they might be dinosaur eggs, they are so large.  Keeping that in mind, I used the normal small pot that I use, which promptly overflowed and cracked the eggs.  I googled to make sure that was okay...the cracked part, not the small pot...and continued with the task.

Was the mayo nearly empty AND the mustard...yep.  Did I remember while I was doing this that I still have to make tuna salad for Kevin's lunch and could have just had that for lunch? also yep.  AND I had taken the garbage out before we left. I couldn't leave the egg detriment in the garbage until it was full. Instead I tossed it outside but bobbled the throw - predictably - and it landed in the yard instead of the trees.

Also: the chips were stale because they were left open sometime over the weekend.

There should not be this much chaos for a dumb sandwich

Now the stove is a mess, the countertop is a mess, and the house smells like eggs.  What in the name of sweet, tiny 8 lb. 6 oz. baby jesus was I thinking.  I literally consolingly thought to myself "Well, worse case, I give myself food poisoning."  This is the level of ridiculousness today has wrought.

Now I still have to clean the mess, make tuna salad, and there are 16 faxes waiting to be processed.  Oh, and I have to leave the house again to do direct service at a center in one hour.

The Missing Thing Is...

 So, you're probably aware that there was a very big news story the other day that most people, it feels, were relieved about.  This is not about that, necessarily, so please keep reading.

I usually don't post political stuff on my social media unless it's something really big or gives me feels, like "Stay out of my Uterus" or "I am a Ally".  Even when I post, it's usually fairly benign.

I posted a meme that hits that criteria.  "Live you life so that the entire world doesn't celebrate your guilty verdict"  No further comment, nothing inflammatory.  I knew that there would probably be one comment that would be all "Yeah...but..." and as long as it's respectful and true, I can be open to the other opinions.

Welp.

I dislike this phrase and never use it. I've had to done to me in the past and I get it, it just gets over-used. I was man-splained.

Summary:

• I was wrong.
• He used a phrase that a) wasn't accurate to the situation and 2) is often a key word frequently used in a certain "news" organization
• He "has a legal background so he knows"  (he's not a lawyer, btw)

This began a debate between a high school friend whom I consider incredibly smart and educated. They do have a Masters Degree and a high level job in finance for the government. The first commenter I knew when I was younger that worked for the federal government. They, at most, react to some things that I post. Another is a regular commenter on any of my posts whom knows my beliefs but disagrees and we're fine.  The rest were just out of the woodwork, if you will.  The man-splainer 

Sidebar: I was working on my response when the wife of a friend piped in during the debate with a YEAH WHAT HE SAID and we should put all the politicians in jail because they're all criminals. Sigh. Then followed by someone else posting a Monica Lewinsky meme that I deleted just as soon as it posted. I mean, C'MON. But the frosting on the cake was my very liberal high school English teacher plainly and dryly posting a comment "That's a good plan." in response.

Kevin said I should have known that was going to happen and I agreed. Yet I post for my friends whom agree and maybe don't feel comfortable posting on their own pages.  It's easier to react to a post than it is to post one due to guaranteed conflict. Like this.

So, I wrote my response on a word document, edited, walked away, walked back, edited, thought about it, then posted.  In the meanwhile, the debate continued, respectful but still.  I wrote:

He was tried and convicted by a jury of his peers, in his hometown, after careful consideration. It does not meet the definition of a kangaroo court. It’s incredibly disappointing that anyone would support this indicted and now convicted felon. If you wonder my sources, I am careful to balance whom I read and reference to avoid - as best I can - any bias. While I’ve only worked for at-risk children, women, and families my entire adult life and don’t have a legal background, I’m still well informed. The only disapproval being heard seems to be from folks who only listen to only one "news" source. I did not jump into any other comments or posts to cry foul or celebrate. Now respectfully I ask to stop commenting. I'm not squashing debate, I'm not having dis-information on my feed.

I thought that I would either get no response - which is totally fine - or get an "Okay" kind of response either via comment or messenger. 

NOPE

We were supposed to be gone all weekend.  In fact, we were gone all day Friday and Saturday.  I posted on my social media about what we were doing so it was clear that we weren't home. I didn't pay close attention to anything else on my media. I only posted.

Over ONE DAY LATER, he posts a link for "proof" that he's right and I'm wrong.  He states "here is one of the most fair-minded legal minds out there, a regular on CNN. He even says this prosecution was BS." with a link to an article.

I was immediately angry.  I felt like I was clear that I didn't want the discussion to continue. I said that it's my page and that this was my boundary.  And he stepped over that in order to show me he was right.

After thinking about it and considering just taking the post down, I decided to ignore the comment. Let others decide for themselves but I wasn't going to give this any more oxygen. 

Also, I didn't take it down because sixteen people reacted favorably to it and I didn't want to disrespect that support either. (yes, that's not a big number but still. And not everyone will react yet still like the post)

BUT, I was curious about the link and it was itching my brain. AND I honestly do try to read opposing opinions if they're from a credible source. Once I was home I looked up the link. 

• It was behind a pay-wall.
• It was from a lifestyle magazine that isn't the New Yorker and isn't entertainment.
• The magazine isn't even featured on the Media Bias charts (so not considered a news source)
• The person cited wasn't staff on a network. He's not even a pundit.  He's an "analyst" that is occasionally used. To be fair: he IS a lawyer with experience.
• He is regularly referred to on the other "news" sites and their affiliates

The end result is the link was absolutely cherry-picked just to prove me wrong.  There were no other corroborating articles from anyone else.

Now, if you've read this far, thanks.  This is my point:

It's not about the disagreement about the post. It's not about politics. It's not even about social media.

It's about I stated an opinion in a funny and benign way.  Additionally, I posted a -what I felt was clear - request "to respectfully stop commenting"  

Someone felt comfortable enough to try to correct me in my own space then further ignore the boundary placed. To me, that is the biggest problem.  The "Stand aside, little lady, and I will show you how you're wrong. Let me educate you".  Or take gender out of it completely: the comfortability and ease to just pee in someone's cheerios because they don't agree.  (that's coarse but it's such an illustrative way to describe what's happening)  This is a base reaction that needs to change. 

I'm GEN-X.  When I was a kid: politics religion and wage was considered beyond rude to discuss.  Then as an adult, the mindset was more open but still impassive.  Somewhere along the line it changed to Everything Should Be Discussed, which has its merits.  

It feels like The Thing that is missing is basic respect. Somewhere the art of "I don't agree, let's move on" turned into "I have the right to prove you wrong in every setting". There has to be a basic decorum where people think "Oh, I don't agree but whatever" and keep scrolling. People need to feel less entitled.

It is also said that "We have to be able to disagree and still live together". This is also true.  There is also accountability.  A person can say whatever they choose, AND there are still consequences.  We also have to be accountable to what level we react or interact. I chose to post and open myself up to comments.

Will I unfriend anyone or block/mute them?  No, it's not worth that drama.  If they continued, then yes.  Otherwise their comments will just fade into oblivion.  One day, maybe, basic manners and decorum will return.