Playlist for Dysfunctional Families

It's weird when you have a parent die and you have been low-to-no contact with your family.  Because when you mention it has happened, everyone's immediate response is a gasp of surprise followed by sympathy.  As is: normal.

It feels fake, disingenuous even, to respond like a normal human being would.  But it's also not kind to respond off-handedly or with a clever remark.  I mostly just landed on a reserved thanks. 

But now it's been nine months since she's passed.  Time has gone by enough that it feels like nothing happened and/or nothing changed.  The estate is being handled, albeit painfully slowly, and I'm hoping for an update from the lawyer in the Fall.  Otherwise, I am hands-off and back to no contact.

That is a superficial statement about that particular topic and for mental health and confidential reasons, we might discuss that more later. Meanwhile...

This is a really late answer but:

Someone asked what having all the work I had done being undone meant.  Fair question and I had to think about how to accurately describe it.  I live in my head and while it's normal to me, I acknowledge that it's not normal to most.

Stims returned.  Picking at my fingers, running my hand through my hair, pulling on my ears/nose.

Cursing increased.  Believe it or not, I'm not usually cursey in real.  I mean, I am but not like the first few months.  Usually I'm more of a creative curser: "sonofabiscuiteatingdog" and "God Bless America"  But the big girl words were doing some real work for a while there.

Tension pain: who knew that trauma causes aches and pains.  Many people do.  I do.  I went to the chiropractor and he was all What the hell.

My brain got loud.  There's always a lot happening up there; there's always a song playing, and a running narrative, random thoughts.  It's like someone turned up the volume and made it more chaotic. It was like a mariachi band and a marching band are chicken-fighting on a trampoline.

My patience and concentration diminished.  I just got frustrated a lot more easily and the alphabet brain is/was on High ALERT.  I felt judgement start to wheedle it's way into my brain.

Thankfully, most of these have gone away again or subsided is a better word.  If the topic comes up, I start to feel it crawl it's way back up so I've had to be strict with myself to keep "normal".

Meanwhile, remember I have a playlist when I just need to play music LOUDLY and stay stubbornly  positive?  (click here: Music for Your Monday)   Well,  I now have a In My Feelings Playlist for Dysfunctional Families.  Because, of course I do.

So if you need to take a little twenty minute pity party, here you go.  No longer than 20 minutes, after that get off of the floor.

Bass Boat - Zach Bryan  

You're Going to Go Far - Noah Kahan

Zombies - Disturbed  

Hate Me - Blue October

Pink Skies by Zach Bryan - this one made me lay on the floor when my mother-in-law died. 

Burning House- Alex Warren