Top Ten of the Past Week

 We have established and it has been greatly recognized that I have a very dark sense of humor.  See previous post.  This might be another one to skip if that's not your vibe.

As a, perhaps unhealthy...or healthy?...coping mechanism, I am going to present the Top 10 Moments of the Last Week with the Terminator.  I swear there is no exaggeration or hyperbole in any of these.

10.  Making the joke that we are all grounded forever and being haunted the rest of our living days for not knowing her advanced directive and making the ICU nurse laugh.

9.  Hoping to all of the universe and all that you believe in that her spirit did not hear us cursing profusely.  see: grounded forever. Especially the "STOP BEING A D*CK THEN" in response to a brother's quoted worry of being abandoned.

8. The food aide coming into the room and asking what my mom wants for lunch. I gestured to a clearly comatose elderly person and I say "No, she's on comfort care. She isn't eating."  The aide asks "So, no dinner then?"  MY GAWD

7. While helping my niece clean up the crime scene that was my mother's bedroom, she happened upon my dad.  In his urn, in a box, in a bag, on the top shelf of an unused closet.  "What is this?" she says as she brings it down.  "Oh, that's Dad." I nonchalantly reply because I forget that people don't live in my head. "WHAT'S HE DOING UP THERE!?!" she exclaims and I really don't have an answer that is appropriate for a granddaughter who loved her grandparents.   "Well, I am taking him Out of the Closet!" which made us both giggle.

6. Still cleaning closets with the niece. In another cupboard she brings something down and says "Auntie, what is THIS!?!"  And she shows me Another Urn.  "WHO IN THE HOLY HELL IS THAT!?!?" I yelled in response.  A few minutes of investigation and she discovers that it's just my mom's empty urn.  WHEW.

5. These texts:

4.  Again, cleaning out cupboards and closets.  Niece will need therapy forevermore for finding this beyond inappropriate novelty next to her grandpa's chair.  I need therapy FFS.  As a true family member, she hid it for another unsuspecting family member to find.

3. Keeping baby hair was a thing of generations past, to my dismay.  I found two small boxes of baby hair in my closet adventures.  One labeled, one not.  When someone pouted that they felt they were missing out, I asked "I just found Mom's baby hair. Did you want that? Because that's what you're missing."  AND THEN sister-in-law finds a gift box full of "Mom's name hair" and it's curls.  PINNED CURLS.  I am not a screamer but I am a curser.  I am just telling myself that those were extensions. *shudder*  

2. Family Text Chain...we all know how those can be.  We received a text that Grandma is gone with a black heart.  Seems pretty clear.  I wrote something nice.  Nephew wrote something nice. Younger Brother posts a photo that he took that morning. Nephew #1 says something nice.  It's clear what has occurred, specifically after Brother texts that they were loading her up now.   Younger brother texted Brother and asked if mom was going to be around the next day.  I mean...what.  Brother phones him and said "You saw the text..."  Younger brother said he didn't understand and that he should have called him.  Well, he just attended your mother's death so...how about no.

1. We're waiting for a room upstairs while they were still trying to stabilize her in the Emergency Room.  We waited...two hours?  The ENTIRE TIME Younger brother would not stop talking. It was like if he wasn't talking he was going to die.  I can rationalize that he was traumatized but he wasn't talking about that anymore. Even though he did overshare details that none of us needed to know or be able to visualize.  He was talking about crazy ex-girlfriends and cars and money and how a guy on the internet are proving scientists wrong because what do scientists know and the Boeing strike etc. etc.

At one point during the stream of word salad, he starts talking about when my grandfather dropped dead of a heart attack at my house when I was 15.  I literally loudly said "CAN WE JUST NOT" and he stopped. Looked surprised, even.  Then he continued with the word salad when he asks "Where are you at with menopause? are you done?"

FOR FUCK SAKES.  WE are In the MIDDLE OF THE EMERGENCY DEPARTMENT, outside our DYING MOTHER'S ROOM.  SHUUUUT UUUUPPPP 

I was silent for the count of three and looked at Kevin who was rendered SPEECHLESS and this never happens.  I quipped something about just about done with that without making eye contact or body language of any kind showing that this is an okay conversation. Then he began to  continue with questions.  Sister-in-law - came out to interrupt and was like "Oh no, we're not talking about that..." Later, Kevin said that he said it so matter-of-factly, so assuredly, that he assumed maybe we had a conversation about it?  And that somehow made it worse.

So, yeah.  This is what I meant about my family.  I can think of no other examples that would more clearly explain who they are/can be.  Which brings me to this meme that I will hold forever dear to my heart: