Merry Christmas

Can I Have Soup - A Raising Parents Update

 Okay, so last we talked about this, we were in the Don't Trust the Man Wearing Dad's Skin Suit era....

Nothing has changed.

He managed to return to "normal" for a short while and we remained skeptical.  The vibe was just off, even though he was acting normally. He talked to the boys and they reached a peace agreement, sort of, and then he followed up at the end of it with "Can I have some soup?"

He wanted us to bring him or order clam chowder.

So, was it the chicken or the egg.  Was it a temporary peace accord or was it manipulation?  Stay tuned.

The sibling took him out to dinner like the very next day and I was in my feelings about that because it felt like rewarding terrible behavior.  My opinion would probably be different if the f-i-l  had let a few days lapse between reconciliation and the request for soup.

The accord lasted two weeks.  Kevin will not "allow" me to go visit his dad because I am the target/trigger for most of his dad's behaviors. His behaviors because I would not give him his bank statements On Demand in November 2024.  But mostly because Kevin has become fiercely protective of me in this situation and is horrified at the injustice.  As in, I'm the one that made everything happen and this is my thanks.

Along with that, his dad had told Kevin and the sibling that he needed to call me and apologize.  He brought the topic up, not the boys.  He mentioned it a few times. The boys were non-committal about it because No One Wins in this situation.

Cue to me, feeling badly because I didn't want nor need a call. I need changed behavior and that is not a realistic possibility.  We agreed that I would take the call but disconnect if/when it went sideways.  Over a week passed and no call.

Until yesterday.  I was in the car and he phoned.  I counted to five and answered with forced cheeriness.  He asked if I was working at home or at the office and I said that I was in the car. "Do you need something?" I asked, even though I knew the purpose of the call.  

He says "No, I just wanted to call and apologize for whatever I said or did to make you upset."  NOT AN APOLOGY bruh.  I said "Thank you" and he repeated himself then he said "I hope we can all move on" and I replied "That's entirely up to you."  

Then he says, paraphrasing, "Now if we can get everyone else to agree and we can all move past this."  

WUT.  This was YOUR idea, sir.  But I didn't take the bait.  I just said something like "We'll give it a shot" and the conversation ended.

Then Kevin calls to tell me something that had happened at work.  We talked for a few minutes then I told him that his dad had phoned.  l told him all of the above and he was, like me, WHAT.  We agreed that it wasn't an apology and that was the most any of us will get, and that it felt like he had just checked an item off of a list.  We also agreed that I still wouldn't be visiting him.  Calling with a non-apology doesn't mean access to me.

Now, about that, I am a trigger for him. The social worker and the dementia specialist agreed.  So, if I can stay away and perhaps let the boys have some positive visits with their dad then that's a win.  Also, I have a complicated history with dad relationships so my tolerance level is non-existent. I'm just not going to keep signing up for that experience.

Back to yesterday.  After I spoke with Kevin, his dad phoned me again.  I declined the call then asked Kevin what I should do.  Out of morbid curiosity, he said call him back. I did and the tone had changed.  We were back in it again.  

He had phoned the bank and they wouldn't give him any information because "Your name is on the account."  Which it is AND he was using my debit card to call them BECAUSE he no longer has a debit card AND because he demanded that I give MINE to him.  The social worker will - and has - help him call to check his balance but in this moment, he chose to call himself.

I determinedly cheerful "Yep, you have to go ask Angie and she will help you do that."  He hates this answer but that is the only answer available.  I did check the app and told him "You have $267.32" in the bank right now.  (plus $150 cash at the facility, btw)  I could sense he wanted to fight so I just finished the call with "Now go talk to Angie and I'm sure that she'll help you"

I phoned Kevin and told him about the call and he sighed. "We're back in it then."  Then Kevin phoned the social worker and she confirmed it as well.  "He stormed into the Administrator's office" she tells him. 

Now, THAT kind of behavior is what will get him invited to live elsewhere. That is my worry.  They love him there but they're not going to tolerate disturbing the peace for very long.

But back to the chicken or the egg.  Did he call to "apologize" or did he call so he could get me to share his bank information.  We will never know.  It was just twice that he made a gesture of reconciliation only to follow it up because he wanted or needed something. And - even though they say it's not probable - because he's shown consistently that he's capable of manipulation like that.

Of course, it's going to be Christmas soon.  He spent Thanksgiving alone because he was mad and now he might be alone for Christmas too.  It puts us in the position of having to squelch our feelings and needs to try to make it not a lonely Christmas for him. BUT it reinforces that this behavior that keeps occurring is acceptable.

In the time since I began this post, Kevin went down for his regular visit.  He said it was fine but there was a vibe.  He reported that dad asked about me and Kevin just replied "She chose to stay home this morning, we're going shopping later."  His dad did not pick up on the nuance but did ask two more times in different ways what I was doing. That could have been memory lapses or fishing, we're not sure.  Like this whole situation: we're just not sure.

Now it was decided that the siblings will take him breakfast on Christmas morning.  The grown kids will go with them and Kevin & I will stay home.  We are both conflicted by that but it feels like the best middle ground that we can find.  

Oh, and he stated that he didn't need any presents but we could get him a card.  I will go rush to do that right now...

Marked: Safe

 It's been all over the news about the massive flooding here in the PNW.  The county where I live was hit particularly hard and broke all previous records. Now this area is prone to flooding during winter and it is remarkably a big reason why agriculture is so successful in this county.  Some flooding is normal but this was not.

And right now I'm listening to the rain absolutely pour outside. 

But this was one of the big ones. So, a little history.

In 1990, there was what was called a 100-year flood.  There wasn't a town in the entire county that wasn't impacted by water.  We helped sandbag until we were called away because a dike broke, flooding mostly farmland but also one little town and a few other what would be called hamlets.  (remnants of former towns, now just more of a neighborhood)

To the credit of the people and the local governing bodies, afterward they went into action to make sure this kind of damage never happened again.  The creativity and science that has been put into place is remarkable.

There is a floodwall structure that is erected when needed and it literally holds the water away from an entire downtown.   In conjunction, a riverwalk was designed and built; it doubles as an aesthetic tourist area and flood prevention.  Then, of course, building and reinforcement of the dike system that runs from the mountains all the way to the bay.

And they learned from mistakes and flaws. They found pressure points where the force of the water was just too much and either reinforced the dike system or allowed the water to be redirected or both.  It was as if the entire county was a sandbox and folks just spent their time creating scenarios, finding the weak points and creating solutions.

The tactic that they employed that fascinates me is the science of it.  There was a designated flood plain, noting all the places where it will always flood no matter what implements humans may employ. They mapped that if one area HAS to be protected, be it downtown or a high population area, then determining what around that area could feasibly be flooded with minimal damage.   If houses were within that flood plain, they were encouraged to not be or take extreme precautions to prevent damage.  As in houses with six foot foundations or picked up and moved to higher points on the property.  In some cases, properties were bought by the county and torn down.  

In one epic case, an entire town is slowly being moved to safety.  Hamilton

The city park where I take Lucy is in the flood plain. It's allowed to flood every year to help alleviate pressure downstream.  As a result, it's a beautiful park with large soccer and baseball fields and multi-use sites.  They took a necessity and made it useful.  Then repeated that plan throughout the county.

Right now, this is all river.

Then there's the tribal lawsuit for fish passage. (link here)  Tribes sued and won against the state for blocking waterways in order to build the freeway and highways.  The state now has to remove the blockages and replace them with waterways and in some cases, fish ladders.  In fact, my little area is currently in the process of having three areas within a two mile radius completed.  

And while that seems random in this context, these improvements also aided in flood management during this time and it verifiably helped.  

Then there is social media.  It became a beacon of information, notifying people where the flooding was expected or happening, what resources were available, and communication. It worked as social media was intended.  There were also mass texts sent to anyone in the area to evacuate.  Kevin was on his way home on the freeway and received one, just because he was passing through the area.

Yet, because we live in the dumbest timeline, there were naysayers and deniers. I will never understand that we live in a world that feels science is up for debate. They quibbled over phrasing "Why is it an 'atmospheric river' now when we used to call it the Pineapple Express?"  (because SCIENCE not colloquilisms,  you knuckledragger)   There was a bit of "It's not going to be that bad. I made it through before..." bravado until they finally deployed the national guard to escort those folks from the area; if they weren't already rescued by emergency services.  Then there's the self-serving "Prayers!" posts that clog the posts when people are just looking for information.  

The government declined the first two requests for federal aid.  It was granted the day after the governor called it out during a televised press conference.  Love that for us.

We had two friends in the evacuation zones.  One decided to stay and we are still in disbelief.  They're safe, somehow.  The other evacuated to a nearby small town and then it flooded all around that town so he couldn't leave.   We live way up high so this risk doesn't apply to us.  This comes with some guilt that people are struggling while we live up out of danger.  Oh, and not a single loss of life at this point and that's amazing.

Then just when we thought it was over, a slough overflowed into town.  They're handling that and now we're back in a county-wide flood watch with a bonus: wind advisory.  Oh, and two small earthquakes way up river.  

2025 needs to see itself out sooner rather than later.

Surely It's Christmas

 Surely It's Christmas

I think it will be a Christmas tradition, the past few years I posted a Christmas Playlist and because reasons, I'm reposting it. With some additions. And yes, I put a lot of thought, research, and time into this.  Probably more than is reasonable for a grown-ass adult.  But I'm a former 80's teen, mixed tapes are my jam.

Also, because I'm a total mood right now:  What song do you Not Like? As in: really.not.like.  Mine is I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus.  I wrote about this one before and called Michael Jackson a narc.  But there's also the Dolly Parton one that makes me want to throw hands.  Don't come at me, it's an abomination.  I'm also not a big fan of Feliz Navidad but it's not the same level as the above crimes.

Kevin was horrified that I didn't include any Vince Gill or Amy Grant. (this makes me feel ancient, just writing it)  Both of their Christmas albums are absolutely lovely.  I do recommend them, just not on this list.  It's a different vibe.

With some additions, here is this year's playlist:-

Better Days - Goo Goo Dolls

Snowman - Sia

Merry Christmas, I Miss You - Alex Chichton

Winter White Hymnal - Fleet Foxes (also: Pentatonix)

Winter Wonderland - Darlene Love

All I Want for Christmas is You - Mariah Carey

God Rest Ye Merry Gentleman/We Three Kings - Barenaked Ladies & Sarah McLachlan

Merry Christmas Everybody - Slade

Peanuts Theme - Charlie Brown Christmas

Christmas Wrapping - The Waitresses

Seasons of Love - Rent soundtrack

Cool Yule - Matt Dusk

Christmas Baby - U2

You're a Mean One, Mr. Grinch

Put A Little Love in Your Heart - Al Green

Last Christmas - Wham

Peace on Earth - David Bowie & Bing Crosby

River - Joni Mitchell

Same Old Lang Syne - Dan Fogelberg

Let it be Christmas - Alan Jackson

Baby, It's Cold Outside - Dean Martin

You Make it Feel like Christmas - Gwen Stefani

Happy X-mas - John Lennon

Do They Know it's Christmas - Band Aid

Mele Kalikimaka - Bing Crosby

Santa Baby - Madonna ( or Eartha Kitt)

I'll Be Home for Christmas - Frank Sinatra

Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas - The Pretenders

Please Come Home for Christmas - Bon Jovi

Winter Wonderland - Eurythmics

River - Robert Downey Jr. 

Rocking Around the Christmas Tree - Darlene Love

I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas - Gayla Peevey

Step Into Christmas - Elton John

Christmas is the Time to Say I Love You - Billy Squier

Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer - Gene Autry

O Holy Night - Nat King Cole

Blue Christmas - Elvis

It's Beginning to Look a lot like Christmas - Michael Buble

Fairy Tale of New York - the Pogues

2,000 Miles - The Pretenders 

A Long December - Counting Crows

Winter Song - Sara Bareilles & Ingrid  Michaelson