Okay, so last we talked about this, we were in the Don't Trust the Man Wearing Dad's Skin Suit era....
Nothing has changed.
He managed to return to "normal" for a short while and we remained skeptical. The vibe was just off, even though he was acting normally. He talked to the boys and they reached a peace agreement, sort of, and then he followed up at the end of it with "Can I have some soup?"
He wanted us to bring him or order clam chowder.
So, was it the chicken or the egg. Was it a temporary peace accord or was it manipulation? Stay tuned.
The sibling took him out to dinner like the very next day and I was in my feelings about that because it felt like rewarding terrible behavior. My opinion would probably be different if the f-i-l had let a few days lapse between reconciliation and the request for soup.
The accord lasted two weeks. Kevin will not "allow" me to go visit his dad because I am the target/trigger for most of his dad's behaviors. His behaviors because I would not give him his bank statements On Demand in November 2024. But mostly because Kevin has become fiercely protective of me in this situation and is horrified at the injustice. As in, I'm the one that made everything happen and this is my thanks.
Along with that, his dad had told Kevin and the sibling that he needed to call me and apologize. He brought the topic up, not the boys. He mentioned it a few times. The boys were non-committal about it because No One Wins in this situation.
Cue to me, feeling badly because I didn't want nor need a call. I need changed behavior and that is not a realistic possibility. We agreed that I would take the call but disconnect if/when it went sideways. Over a week passed and no call.
Until yesterday. I was in the car and he phoned. I counted to five and answered with forced cheeriness. He asked if I was working at home or at the office and I said that I was in the car. "Do you need something?" I asked, even though I knew the purpose of the call.
He says "No, I just wanted to call and apologize for whatever I said or did to make you upset." NOT AN APOLOGY bruh. I said "Thank you" and he repeated himself then he said "I hope we can all move on" and I replied "That's entirely up to you."
Then he says, paraphrasing, "Now if we can get everyone else to agree and we can all move past this."
WUT. This was YOUR idea, sir. But I didn't take the bait. I just said something like "We'll give it a shot" and the conversation ended.
Then Kevin calls to tell me something that had happened at work. We talked for a few minutes then I told him that his dad had phoned. l told him all of the above and he was, like me, WHAT. We agreed that it wasn't an apology and that was the most any of us will get, and that it felt like he had just checked an item off of a list. We also agreed that I still wouldn't be visiting him. Calling with a non-apology doesn't mean access to me.
Now, about that, I am a trigger for him. The social worker and the dementia specialist agreed. So, if I can stay away and perhaps let the boys have some positive visits with their dad then that's a win. Also, I have a complicated history with dad relationships so my tolerance level is non-existent. I'm just not going to keep signing up for that experience.
Back to yesterday. After I spoke with Kevin, his dad phoned me again. I declined the call then asked Kevin what I should do. Out of morbid curiosity, he said call him back. I did and the tone had changed. We were back in it again.
He had phoned the bank and they wouldn't give him any information because "Your name is on the account." Which it is AND he was using my debit card to call them BECAUSE he no longer has a debit card AND because he demanded that I give MINE to him. The social worker will - and has - help him call to check his balance but in this moment, he chose to call himself.
I determinedly cheerful "Yep, you have to go ask Angie and she will help you do that." He hates this answer but that is the only answer available. I did check the app and told him "You have $267.32" in the bank right now. (plus $150 cash at the facility, btw) I could sense he wanted to fight so I just finished the call with "Now go talk to Angie and I'm sure that she'll help you"
I phoned Kevin and told him about the call and he sighed. "We're back in it then." Then Kevin phoned the social worker and she confirmed it as well. "He stormed into the Administrator's office" she tells him.
Now, THAT kind of behavior is what will get him invited to live elsewhere. That is my worry. They love him there but they're not going to tolerate disturbing the peace for very long.
But back to the chicken or the egg. Did he call to "apologize" or did he call so he could get me to share his bank information. We will never know. It was just twice that he made a gesture of reconciliation only to follow it up because he wanted or needed something. And - even though they say it's not probable - because he's shown consistently that he's capable of manipulation like that.
Of course, it's going to be Christmas soon. He spent Thanksgiving alone because he was mad and now he might be alone for Christmas too. It puts us in the position of having to squelch our feelings and needs to try to make it not a lonely Christmas for him. BUT it reinforces that this behavior that keeps occurring is acceptable.
In the time since I began this post, Kevin went down for his regular visit. He said it was fine but there was a vibe. He reported that dad asked about me and Kevin just replied "She chose to stay home this morning, we're going shopping later." His dad did not pick up on the nuance but did ask two more times in different ways what I was doing. That could have been memory lapses or fishing, we're not sure. Like this whole situation: we're just not sure.
Now it was decided that the siblings will take him breakfast on Christmas morning. The grown kids will go with them and Kevin & I will stay home. We are both conflicted by that but it feels like the best middle ground that we can find.
Oh, and he stated that he didn't need any presents but we could get him a card. I will go rush to do that right now...
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