Tattling - A Raising Parent Story

 Okay, first, Kevin brought home the plague from work and I've been sick for almost two weeks.  Like, not snuffly, use this as an excuse to be lazy kind of sick but lay in bed and hope for sweet, sweet, death kind of sick.  So...yea, Kevin.

Also, feeling a little better if you ignore the tuberculosis cough.

When we last spoke, we were beyond frustrated with the facility and I had reached out to the delightfully old-fashioned named Ombudsman.  (Kevin just calls them the ABCD's)  I left a voicemail, then followed up with an email that included an itemized yet summarized list of our concerns.

They phoned me within two days and was all "Um, we need to meet you like right now"  We agreed and made the arrangements...for the next day.  They were not playing around. At all.

First, they wanted to meet at the facility, but without the staff.  We asked if we could meet off-site as we didn't want to inflame the situation further.  We met at a little cafe nearby instead.

Cut to us meeting two little old ladies who are adorable, yet formidable.  They were both retired nurses and are Ombudsman VOLUNTARILY.  They volunteer to defend this vulnerable population.  And they're both named Jo.  

Two hours later, we have a plan.  We spent two hours discussing all of the issues we've experienced and how the facility has or has not handled them.  One of the Jo's does not have a poker face so we witnessed her dismay and horror on multiple levels.  The other Jo is more matter of fact and must of said "Oh no. No, we're not doing that."

We left feeling heard and supported and felt a little less crazy.  Because it is crazymaking that the facility is failing at very basic tasks and continually arguing with Hospice and us, not only as family members but as Powers of Attorney.

They said something that one of the social workers had mentioned before "He chose you two for a reason."  Because when this was first completed, we were relieved to have it done then hoped we would never need it.  Then we needed it and was doubly relieved; only to be in a space of thinking Why Did We Even Bother.  Now we're back to relief.

So, two things to know:

• Once the person is incapacitated, YOU are the person legally and ethically.  It is meant to be treated no differently than if the parent themselves were saying Yes or No.
• If there are two people listed as Powers of Attorney, the #2 person is just as responsible as the #1 person.  Don't let people tell you that it's not.
• Wait, three things:  Power of Attorney is worthless upon death. The death certificate and will replaces the Power of Attorney

One of the things that we needed to provide was the care plan from the facility and from Hospice.  Hospice sent theirs almost immediately upon request.  The facility took three phone calls.

The Ombudsman reconciled both care plans to ensure that everything that Hospice had put into place was actually being implemented at the facility.  Spoiler Alert: They had NOT.  sigh.

They said that they would get together with the team and then we would all meet together to come to an agreement then move forward.  We were not looking forward to another confrontation with the facility.

A week went by and we just thought that it was taking longer than they planned.  Then another week went by and I was starting to feel disappointed.  I had it on my to-do list this week to reach out but: tuberculosis cough and sleeping.

Then my phone rang just now.  It was a Las Vegas number so I ignored it.  Then there was a voicemail and a follow-up call so I answered.  It was the Ombudsman.

Well, it turns out that they skipped over the meeting together, took us out of the equation, and just met with the facility.  It sounds like a case of You Guy Are So Terrible At Your Job We Just Can't Even.

(they just forgot to tell us that part)

They've since met Kevin's dad twice and talked with all of the staff.  The care plans have been integrated and the facility is Well Aware that they have eyes on them.  Which explains why we've been getting regular updates from the facility.

Then we'll quietly touch upon the fact that Kevin's dad was having a really bad day, it's called Terminal Agitation.  He was combative with the staff and even with Kevin.  It's a milestone in the dying process but awful nonetheless.  They phoned us to let us know and we learned that this is a sign that it's starting to happen.  They're setting the clock to "up to two weeks but maybe earlier."

Just in time for us to finally have the facility on board.

My point though is: add this to your notes for Future You.  I believe all states have an Ombudsman.  program like this, an agency who oversees skilled nursing facilities and comes to families aid when needed.  It's not the same as licensing or Medicare/Medicaid, it is an intermediary.

I wish I had contacted them sooner but these things happen the way they do.