Puppy Love

I am not a dog person. This may seem a little strange as I have a dog so let me clarify. I am not the kind of person that carries pictures of my dog. I don't refer to the dog as "our child" or to myself as "mommy."
Much to our dog's dismay, I understand that she is simply A DOG. I'm sure she would have a very plausible argument against that point of view but as she's simply a dog, she won't be consulted for her opinion.

However, it's not to be ignored that she has human qualities. She's a creature of habit. In fact, perhaps, a little OCD.

She goes to bed at 10:00 p.m. whether or not we do. Apparently, she needs her beauty sleep. She will also sleep until about 9:00 a.m. if she is left to her own devices.

The night time ritual that must be observed: Mad Genius announces to no one in particular "Let's go to bed." Said announcement will bring the dog scurrying from wherever she was previously snoozing. Outside she goes to go potty. Often, she considers us as idiots and tries to fool us. She'll walk around the corner where we can't see her and wait until we close the door. Then she scurries back to the door with her nose pointed toward it with an intensity on par with a laser beam.
This game drives the MG crazy but I don't worry about it as she's never had an inside accident.

A treat is given, thus the previous laser beam intensity. She behaves as if this is her daily methadone dose. Then we go to bed. But not before she drinks her water bowl nearly dry because we never, ever, offer her water. Just ignore the huge stainless steel water bowl that is often kicked over by the humans of the house.
Her favorite watering hole seems to be the little outside table that's just her size in our patio area behind the house. Apparently it's doggie Evian.

Right now, she is randomly barking. I think it's just for the joy of barking. There's no visitors, no intruders, no doggie friends visiting. She's just barking. I don't know if she's announcing that she's outside or just making noise. Thank God all the neighbors are a) family and b) gone for the day.

I believe I mentioned previously that she has Terror Alert Levels that must be observed. One of her Alerts awarded the poor dog with a jack to the jaw the other night. Now before you call the Humane Socitey, listen.

The MG is gone for the evening and I am watching "Lady in the Water." I am a huge M Night Shyamalan fan even though he scares the hell out of me. I am entranced into the movie and the dog is sleeping on the floor in the living room. (She's finally learned not to sleep under my recliner when the foot rest is up. Nearly beheaded the damn dog.)

In the movie, the creepy (literally) creature is steathily inching across the screen. The dog chooses this time to nudge my elbow to tell me something important. In reflex, as I'm not a screamer, I jacked her in the jaw with my elbow. She looked at me like "What the hell?" and rebuffed my apologies. I felt bad but I blame M Night. I think the dog was being empathetic and got jacked her her efforts. Poor girl.

As I've been home for nine months, I've learned that I'm truly not a dog person. We've been driving one another crazy for nine months.

She has lost the understanding that she's a dog somehow. Dogs go outside, humans usually stay inside. This seems simple to me yet we keep having the same conversation every single freaking day. Now, before you coo and ahhh and tell me "She just wants to be with you" know that once inside, I am completely ignored unless I have food. If I have food, then we're long-lost buddy ole pals. Otherwise, I am tolerated as the one with the oppsable thumbs that can open doors and give food.

Frankly, I think she's a little relieved that I've returned to work, even if it is only part-time. I think that once she realizes that I've not brought a treat home for her, she is irritated that she has to share *her* house with me again.

I'm not a dog person and apparently, I am only to be tolerated in her world as I have the food.