17 April 2007

The Name Game

Have I mentioned my name theory? Well, I'm gonna tell you about it anyway...

It started in high school actually. Which means the theory is twenty years old now. yikes.

It started out as "All Steves are assholes". Now if you're married to a Steve or heaven forbid, *are* a Steve, then I kind of apologize: There are exceptions to every rule.

So, a while ago, my friend K asked me to elaborate and I've been formulating my theory since.

Every name has a connotation. Many people are hesitant to announce their new baby's name until the birth in fear of hearing "Oh Don't use THAT name, I knew a bladda bladda once and she was a bitch!"

First, you'll always know someone who has the baby's name so shut up, for the sake of the new mother.

Second, it's true: certain names do have certain characteristics. All Steves are assholes. Think about it...do you know a nice Steve? (I actually do...this is an odd story: The MG's aunt married Evil Steve, finally divorced him, and is now married to Good Steve...go figure. Exceptions to every rule. *whatever*)

So here is a partial list:

Deanna's are always bitches...the MG can attest to this himself. (cough *ex-wife *ahem)

Scott's are terribly complicated creatures. I have yet to meet a Scott that didn't have issues.

Kelly's are usually really nice, fun people to be around.

Any person with a "baby" name, like Jimmy or Tommy or Billy (Or Missy, Sissy or anything ending in "-Jo") are Trouble. There's a reason they still have a baby name.

Wayne's are always nice guys. Dependable, loyal.

Ian's are always Nerds.

Tiffany...*shudder*...my own personal nightmare...are usually, shall we say: "free with their affections"

Any girl that ends her name with "ie" are usually party girls. Kind of goes along with the Baby Name thing.

Jim's are usually dependable, strong, loyal. You can usually always count on a Jim.

Sean's are usually very nice guys, shy but generally good guys.

Karens are anyone's guess. I've met a million Karens and have difficulty finding a common denominator among them.

Anyone with an unusual name usually has an unusual personality to go with it. I think it's a self-protection thing.

Anyone with an old-fashioned name are nice enough people really, but usually socially stunted, if you will. Floyd comes to mind. (yes, I know a Floyd. Well, two actually: one human, one dog)

Becky's are always gregarious and loud and fun.

Kim's are usually strong-willed, stuborn and opinonated.

Charles falls almost into the Scott territory...

Davids are usually really smart, giving and dependable.

If you really want to mess up your son: name him Zachary. I've not yet met a Zachary that wasn't a Satan-in-training.

Brittany's are almost always, without fail, high maintenance.

Laura's are kind of like Karens. They're complicated usually.

So, add or subtract to the list. Everyones experiences are different. I would love to hear others theories.

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