Your Language is Offensive

One would think that because I've worked in Social Services and Early Childhood Ed most of my life that I wouldn't curse.  Oh, but I do.  I'm very skilled but unfortunately, it is not something one can put on a resume.

But in some settings I'm pretty creative.  "Sonofabiscuiteatingdog" was one that I've said since high school.  I have no idea of it's origin.  With my brain, anything is possible.

A thousand years ago I knew a child who used to say "Shootdarnit" and I find myself saying that a lot.  Almost without fail, Kevin will reply: "HEY! Language!"  which always makes me laugh.

Also a long time ago, I had a friend who was Christian but often dropped the gawdammit.  In Kevin's family that one is verboten.  Of all the curses, that is like the top one. I've infrequently heard the eff bomb dropped so it's probably #2 on the list but absolutely no gawdammit. 

The most popular one in my family? Yeah, the above.  It was quite a learning curve for me in the beginning.  So it was replaced with "God Bless America." 

My former husband was called Bonehead because I couldn't say prick to my mom. So there's that.

When we hang with our Canadian friends, all bets are off. It takes me about three days to re-acclimate to being American again.  They use "eff" like punctuation.  It's just not a big deal to them.  If it slips through, I usually apologize and say "My Canadian is showing."

"Go to Hell" is also not allowed, in either family now that I think of it.  The current situation in our government has forced me to be really creative.  "Die in a fiery plane crash" is often my go-to.  I've also wished them a "Very uncomfortable chair in Hell." 

Nephew says "Die in a fire" when he's super pissed at something, which is very rare.  I'm somewhere between wincing and laughing with that one.  Although "die in a fiery plane crash" is on par with it.

Kevin says "Mother Bear!" instead of mother-effer when I'm around and it makes me laugh every time.  Every once in a while he slips though and it's something I very much enjoy because dude never looses his cool. 

Two Kevin favorites:  we broke down in a SUPER CHRISTIAN town years ago.  (Blue laws still on the books, Footloose kind of SUPER CHRISTIAN town.) Kevin was under our trailer trying to fix something and he was cursing a lot ON A SUNDAY.  Finally, I ripped out of the truck and whispered/yelled "You are going to get ARRESTED!"

He dropped "C...sucker" once and I was laughing so hard I actually got out of the truck and walked away.  There's just something about Mr. Diplomacy busting out the big boy words that takes me out.

Finally, one phrase I've never heard anywhere but from Kevin is "Fight, Eff, or hold the light."  He picked it up from a family member who is a Vietnam Vet so I'm guessing there's a story there. When Kevin is getting frustrated with anyone being indecisive, (me, it's usually me)  he'll say it. It's like a warning shot.

In these stressful days, the need to curse is cathartic.  Unfortunately, we're not always able to so creativity is required.