Don't Call Your Mother

In case you're wondering about what life with aging parents might look like...

Kevin received a phone call stating the title of this bloggitty about a month ago.  He phones his mom every morning to literally make sure that everyone made it through the night.  But his dad phoned him and said the above.

Like most things these days, it takes a deep breath and eye-roll before being able to respond like a reasonable adult.  "Why not? What's wrong?"

"Well, her phone won't ring."

Kevin tried to get more information but asking his dad questions is not unlike asking a five-year-old a question.  You're going to get details you don't need. This is a good visualization:


Then Kevin phones me and immediately apologizes.  "Can you go next door and see what's happening?"  This is one of those moments when I wished I drank.

I walk over there and I have to leave Lucy inside because they take care of my brother-in-laws dog whom I dislike and is mean to Lucy.  So just entering the house is a thing.  I mention that they live in a Park Model Home, so it's 400 square feet.  Perfect size for two elderly people, a small dog and an ill-behaved boxer.  Anyway...

Oh, and imagine either sports, COPS, or CNN being on blast while you're there.  And that Kevin's dad not-whistles all.the.time (not whistling = randomly blowing air out of your mouth, making a shushing sound)

Then it's the five minute thing to figure out what is happening.  There are a few things: Kevin's dad will joke because reasons instead of just telling us what is happening.  Kevin's mom isn't a good reporter and will make something up if she can't remember or doesn't want to tell us.  So I've learned to just start from scratch with anything.  Make no assumptions!

Oh and it's been doing this for two days.  Kevin checks in every day, usually twice.  Two days and they don't tell us. We live next door.  They see us come home from work every day.  I get home at 3:00.  Two days!!

I sat down and dialed her phone with my phone. "Oh, we did that. It doesn't work."  Deep sigh, "Yes I know but I need to see what it does and hear what message I receive."  It's like they think I don't believe them and I kinda don't but we'll move on.

Indeed it doesn't ring and it just says that the customer isn't available.  I go through the settings to make sure that she didn't put it in airplane mode or whatever.  She's been known to shut stuff off then steadfastly deny it. 

Then I check my app to make sure that the phone is still active. (more on that in a minute)  Finally I turn it off and turn it back on.  It works.

So, now I'm magic.  I fix all the things.

Two weeks go by and Kevin's dad phones during dinner.  Kevin was literally, physically IN THEIR HOUSE twenty minutes ago.  "Your mothers phone isn't working again."

Kevin disconnects and tells me. 
"OFFS!" I exclaim. 
Our patience is so worn at this point. 

We trudge over there and again the phone won't ring.  BUT, this time the battery is also dead.  So we have to deduce which came first: the non-ringing, the dead battery?  It's a chicken/egg thing.

Oh, and she doesn't have a cord for it, because wait for it, the dogs chewed it.
Now there's the discussion of how they need to make sure the phone is charged in case she falls, Kevin's dad is gone, whatever. This is completely new information to her.  AUUUUGGGGHHHH.

We restarted the phone and it worked again.  Now we explain how we need to know this as soon as possible so she's not without a phone and so I can address it before I leave from work, in case I need to stop at the phone store for, oh you know, a phone charger.  This time it has been two days.

Now this is the other part: They also use our internet.  We momentarily tried to use Kevin's brother's but it didn't work because of course it doesn't.

After THREE DAYS of not having internet, they finally phoned me to come see what the problem was.  "Well, we didn't want to bother you..."  "We don't now what's wrong."

Now, all she does at this point of her life is watch CNN and play with her tablet so this is kind of a big deal.  But, they didn't initially tell me that it had been three days.

I do all the stuff I know to reconnect.  Finally, I had to call Verizon to see what has happened.  Well, I thought I had taken the suspension off her account when we discovered she couldn't use the other house's internet but I made a mistake and it was disconnected.  Five minutes later and it was back up and running.

I mention to them that it's been three days.  "Oh, no! It hasn't been that long!"  Yes, it has because Verizon probably doesn't have time to lie to me.  And it's both of them, they're complicit.  So we've had to coach Kevin's dad to tell us when something isn't right because Kevin's mom will literally lie about it. 

I used to say that it's like raising teenagers but this is more like four-year-olds who have actual cookie crumbs on their mouths and blame the dog for the cookies being gone.

So, there you go, in case you're wondering what it's like raising elderly parents.