Hallucinations, Dragonflies, and A Snazzy New Home

As you’ve probably guessed, my mother-in-law passed after fighting it tooth and nail for four months.  I have the whole story written but I just can’t click “publish” just yet.  Eventually, maybe I will and maybe I won’t.  Time will tell. I mean that was probably the worst thing ever. I mean, of course, obviously but I've had plenty of Worst Things and that shoved them all out of the way to reach the top.

So, here are some of the more light things that happened in the last week; because I try to find humor even in the dark.

Clause: I am not religious, I’m not even really spiritual anymore.  Some of this may challenge that statement about me, for you, dear readers. J

The last week or two the nurse put my m-i-l on methadone to ease her "existential pain" and it helped.  It also gave her hallucinations, or so we thought because they seemed to continue after the meds changed to a different narcotic.  Also, the nurse would not prescribe it for us, even though we asked nicely.

We got a baby monitor for S-i-l to use during the night. One night, she said that mom kept flailing and fussing all night.  When asked, mom said she was "fighting off intruders. I grabbed them. I was brave."  

At the end, the hallucinations were mostly spirits, we think. Friendly, other than those first intruders.  Once, she mentioned that the room was crowded, with all the people waiting.  S-i-l told her that it was probably her family and that she could go with them.  She also kept hearing and seeing dogs, also probably spirits as she’s had dogs her whole life.  One evening, she asked S-i-l where the couple in the doorway were going to sleep and S-i-l told her that they could sleep in the living room.  She said "Okay, that's good".   S-i-l took all of that like a champ.  I mean, it had to be weird having all these guests in her house.

But me, oh man. I was fine with the spirits and THEN, the S-i-l called me.  I have to mention that s-i-l didn't call during this adventure, always text. So when the phone rang, I was already on high alert.

She said mom saw "a little girl with blonde hair, in the hallway. She was wearing a brown coat and waved and smiled at me."

............................Then mom said "It was Surely's daughter."

umm..........omg.............

Okay, so I miscarried twice with satan.  I decided then that they were Peter and Rachel.  Then I miscarried twice with Kevin and they were Wesley and Wyatt.  THEN, the very last period ever was like a miscarriage.  My doctor was non-committal and said "Could be. Did you take a pregnancy test?" to which I replied "Didn't occur to me. Because: no point."

Like a month or two ago, when we were doing the headstone/cemetery stuff I had decided to name that maybe-baby Wyla. Wesley, Wyatt, and Wyla.

AND THEN MOM SAW HER.

and....drink...everyone drink.

(also: still sober.  Didn’t think that was going to happen so, yea me.)

 While we were waiting for her to pass the night before it happened, I kept smelling cigarette smoke.  I smelled it twice before I mentioned it to S-i-l, who didn't smell it.  No one in the house smokes and the room we were in was at the back of the house down by the creek.  (not accessible to people nor was the window open)  Then we realized it was the sisters; three of the four sisters smoked heavily.  So then I said aloud "Thomas Sisters, if that's you, please take her. She's ready, we're ready." and S-i-l laughed.  If mom was aware at all, I am so grounded when I get to wherever I’m going.

Then the next morning, Kevin asked about it and I didn't smell it again.  When I said no, he said "They probably got TIRED OF WAITING, MOM."  Lol.

During the last hours, S-i-l and I were talking about final stuff and I wondered what she would appear as, to us.  "Because you refused to talk about it so we have to GUESS."  I said to mom. (again: so totally grounded) 

S-i-l guessed a bird or a flower and I guessed a butterfly or a flower.  After she passed and everyone settled down, when I went upstairs, a dragonfly flew across my path.  I thought about her and dragonflies are not common here and shrugged with a "maybe" thought. Dragonflies are not never seen but not common either. Then there was another/same one once I reached our rock garden at our house. 

I mentioned it to S-i-l and she said that mom liked dragonflies.  Then we saw one when the funeral home arrived.  So that was a little hmmmmm.  S-i-l and I have both seen a big yellow butterfly, a little more commonly seen here but it's really big.  Maybe the butterfly is her.  Maybe it’s the dragonfly. Maybe it’s neither and I'm a little crazy, as Kevin has mentioned.  (but I bet he notices dragonflies now)

I have to mention that I did get stung by a bee the next day, randomly.  I laughed and said “Okay, mom. That’s for being sassy while you were dying. I understand.”

On Tuesday, I had to go sign paperwork and choose an urn.  The parents had paid for everything in advance but hadn't chosen an urn because they were going to be scattered here at home.  Then we found they had a burial spot at the cemetery AND we didn't want to sprinkle them here.  

S-i-l came with me to help.  We did the paperwork and talked with the director.  She was super chatty, almost too much chatty.  My age and not at all what you pictured.  Imagine, former cheerleader whose life didn’t turn out as she planned. 

After we signed everything, she said "Okay, let's choose an urn.  There are a few there, gesturing to a case behind us in her office, but most of them are upstairs."

The case was a three-sided china cupboard and had four - six urns of varying sizes, etc.  I was asking what size urn mom would need when I noticed THE ONE.  We continued to talk and I kept looking at it.  I told S-i-l "That's the one" and she asked which because where she was standing, she couldn't see it.  She stepped to the side and said "Oh, yeah, that's it."

The funeral director was a little taken aback. She didn't say "seriously?" but the tone of her words and demeanor meant SERIOUSLY?  She suggested that we should still go upstairs to make sure there wasn't something else we wanted. 

We trod up steep stairs in this 100+ year old funeral home with bright kelly-green carpet and creepy funeral home music playing.  The entire upstairs was displays of urns, caskets, jewelry and other ways of displaying or storing your loved ones. 

We looked at the urns and there were two that we liked. One was a cardboard box that is used for transportation/sprinkling.  Like a talcum powder box only BIG.  S-i-l liked the one with hummingbirds and I told her that I would agree with whatever she wanted; as she knew mom best.  (even though I didn't like it and Kevin would have hated it)   The cardboard one was SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS and  I was offended.

The other urn was ceramic and had a lighthouse on it and S-i-l thought mom would really like it.  We asked and it was just under $300.  I had already looked and knew the approximate cost could be, but S-i-l was shocked.

Sidenote: some of them look like kitchen canisters and I now understand how Grandma ends up at Goodwill occasionally.

Then S-i-l thought about it and said she really felt like the other one was The One, depending on the cost.  I wondered if it was more expensive as it was On Display Downstairs.  The funeral director said she would go look but that "It has been there a while so the price listed on it might not be the price" which – to me - meant a gentle way of saying it was expensive. I had decided we would get it, unless it was just outrageously priced. 

A few minutes later, she came back upstairs with it and said "I checked and because it's been here a while, it's...ah....less.  It's....$100"

I literally laughed out loud.  "It's ON SALE!  It's gaudy! It's PERFECT!  SOLD!"  I could feel mom being happy that we chose this one and that we weren't spending a lot of money on it.  She loved a good deal.

She was incredulous, she asked at least once if we were sure.  S-i-l kept saying it was perfect and asked me to take a photo of it.  We set it on the table and I did, teaching the funeral director a trick about photography at the same time.

I sent the photo to Kevin and he replied "It is MOM"   Later I realized that the thing I like about it is that we're going to smile or laugh when we see it because it's just so MUCH.

I told the funeral director that when we left, she could go tell her coworkers "You won't believe it, someone actually bought that ugly urn" 

And here, in all it’s gaudy gloriousness is Mom’s new place:

 

 It's been a week now, well a week and almost a day.  We're mostly fine, with a little sad moments sprinkled in.  This morning I realized that the sense of urgency that we've lived with for four months is gone and it feels odd, empty.  We were so busy keeping dad alive and keeping mom comfortable and now...nothing.  After many, many years of taking care of the parents, I'm feeling adrift.  

So, I'm going to go work in my garden and watch for dragonflies.