It Happened at Dennys - A Raising Parents Update

  So...sigh...everything is worse.  As assumed and predicted: worse.  Everyone is still in a time-out and big changes are afoot.  I'm still in the world-is-is-turning-too-fast-stage so this will most likely be jumbled.

When last we left this story, my father-in-law was angry with us about everything and directing the facility staff to keep his secrets.  We were hurt, angry, and frustrated with not only being accused of stealing money and lying but also the secret keeping supported by the staff.

There were two more attempts made at reconciliation, the brother-in-law went alone and the boys went together - more on that in a minute. We now know this is really bad and not just a spiral. 

In the meanwhile, I dropped off a folder with his demanded financial paperwork at the front desk.  As a reward to the facility, f-i-l is bothering EVERYONE with said folder of paperwork.  I mean, EVERYONE.  The receptionist, the nurses, the social worker, and now the finance person.  To the point that she phoned me with a professional WTF is happening.

Because as we predicted would happen has happened: he has no idea what any of it means. I apologized for inflicting that on everyone but we  gave him control of his information, like he asked and HERE WE ARE.  She said it happens, which isn't as soothing as I think they think it is.

The social worker has been less than helpful in this situation.  She's been out more than at work over the past two weeks and I wanted to go to her supervisor with the keeping secrets issue and now lack of support.  Kevin is hesitant because he doesn't want to damage the relationships nor become the family that cries wolf.  (note takers: add that to your list of concerns)

BUT, the finance person took that out of my hands for me.  She said that she had to report that the f-i-l is approaching everyone and asking for help, despite everyone explaining it to him.  She asked permission as to what level of information to share and I said ALL OF IT.  

I explained that at first we thought it was an obsessive spiral, which he was prone to in his old life, but now clearly it's something else.  I indicated that we didn't necessarily feel supported in determining what is actually happening.  As in, he had a UTI but now the dementia seems at the forefront and it's just....happening. No "We'll do some testing" or "We'll check his blood for any issues" or "This is how you handle this situation".

I mentioned that in his old life, he had a tendency to visit or make up issues in order to go visit "his friends" at the insurance office, bank, doctor, etc.  She laughed but with a little bit of dawning recognition. This gave the opportunity to explain that we just can't tell what's old behavior, new behavior, or BOTH and have felt stranded in the situation.

 I told her that we had taken a break from visiting and she WHOLE-HEARTEDLY agreed.  So, that was two people who have guided us in that direction and that's a relief in an awful way.

Last weekend the boys went to visit to see if there was a way forward.  There wasn't.  He could NOT let it go.  He was pissy as soon as they walked in the room. Kevin said it was worse than any of the times before. They both left thinking they probably wouldn't be returning. 

Kevin described it as he is just living in a whole different reality than ours; yet there would be glimmers of recognition or connection.  In my busy little alphabet brain, I related this to the Friends episode where Phoebe is trying to teach Joey French.  (click here)

On Monday, Kevin had phoned the social worker to let her know all that had transpired, that we wouldn't be visiting and basically "Good luck with that". AND THEN his dad phoned each of us and apologized for his actions on Tuesday.  It was very odd and we wondered what precipitated it happening. We wondered if they had met with him or adjusted his meds or what.  

Later that day, the facility scheduled a meeting with the family regarding the situation for the next day. I had a feeling that this was ending badly but kept it to myself. Indeed, it got worse.  

As you have probably imagined, he is considered in full dementia now.  We went from forgetful and inconsistently unable to track time to straight up, no holds barred, dementia in about two months.  And it's not the "fun" What time is dinner? eleventy times a day but the angry, paranoid version.

We met with the social worker, the executive director and his favorite nurse and they are all in agreement. He's being moved to a memory care facility, the one I toured in the Fall.  They will take care of everything once we sign off and it will most likely be against his will. However, they needed our permission to proceed; even though it wasn't presented as a choice.

Yeah.

Moving forward, the facility said:

Do not visit - or if we do - it has to be early in the morning but know that we may need to just excuse ourselves if he's in a mood.  And it's likely he'll be in a mood.

They gave us "permission" to screen our calls.  She explained that the outcome isn't worth the risk.

They said the window for him being in a "good" mood is very small and inconsistent.

They will tell him about the move.  We don't have to.  That's recommended and a relief.

They're going to tell him that they don't have room for him (true) and that he's too healthy to be there (not true)

He will most likely not agree and that's "fine".  He no longer has a choice.

So that was enlightening, in the worst way.  I mean, we knew but we didn't know that he had crossed the Not Returning threshold.  

Kevin was able to verbally throw an elbow about the "keeping secrets" issue. Sharing that he told the boys he kept secrets from THEM because he can't trust them.   They really didn't have a response  and we knew they wouldn't. But it did seem to register some surprise.  

I mean, not that it would have changed the outcome but if  they hadn't agreed to secrets, we would have had a month...more? to wrap our minds around this and maybe not have had this past two week time-out and try to educate ourselves.  So while the care he received was good and kind, they dropped the ball on this particular thing.  We trusted them to guide us through as We Haven't Done This Before; as we've told them multiple times.  "Help us do this, we haven't done this before and you have."

Now the director for the memory care place reached out to me and said she would call me to start arrangements yesterday. She didn't so that doesn't sit well with me but really, that's on par for this situation.  I'm sure she'll call today but STILL. The process could be no longer than a month and could be just days.  

Once we approve and complete the paperwork, we'll just get a call that he's moved. They'll let us know whether or not we should come visit or leave him be.  It could very well result in a Leave Him Be and we have to get cozy with that.

It's like the trip to Denny's was the last time we really saw him, in actual reality.  If that's not illustrative of this whole situation, nothing is. lolsigh.