Don't. Stop Believing. A Raising Parents Update

 Dear Readers, 

I have unfinished posts about gardening, spending $13 on trash food at the gas station, and being outed as an atheist/agnostic.  But...sigh...once again, the topic returns to Raising Parents.  Trust that I'm tired of this topic as well.

Over the last week or so, my father-in-law has been reporting to the boys that his blood pressure is 180/???, has been like that for Two Days and No One will come talk to him about it. (but they do, all day, every day)  Also, he's reported that his other foot has a sore. (he has a pressure sore on his foot)

On Saturday, after attending a funeral that I also want to write about because: OMG, we stopped for a visit. When we saw his regular nurse at the desk, we stopped and asked for an update.  She had been off a few days but indicated that there's no chart notes regarding his other foot.  AND that the other foot is finally healing...also something he's said wasn't happening.  AND his blood pressure has been marginally higher, but not as bad as he has been reporting.  She acknowledged that he's extra obsessive about his blood pressure.

Now I'm processing that we are to the point that we just can't believe anything that he says anymore.  Because of dementia, because of negative attention, because reasons, we can't believe him anymore.  I'm thinking about how to make that happen when...

She tells us that he's mad again about the money and the debit card and the wallet and his bank statements and how he wants his drivers license and we won't give him anything.  Saying this as she is pointedly looking at me saying "they".  Kevin is instantly mad.  I'm just disappointed. They said it would continue to happen and we know  that but at a core level: it feels like a slap.

Maria continues: Dad tried to make a report to Adult Protective Services - to the other nurse - and because they have a duty to report, she reported it to the supervisors.  It sounds like he was unable to make any kind of phone call and it's "just" in-house right now.  So, the facility is meeting on Monday, as mandated by law.  We don't know HOW DID HE KNOW TO ASK THAT 

She began to explain the process and I told her that I'm a Mandated Reporter as well and I know the drill.  Then later I explained  the process to Kevin. For those of you who don't know: In this instance, it goes from patient to whoever he made the accusation (because that's what it is)  Then that person has to report it to their supervisor who then reports it to the bosses, depending on chain of command and organizational structure.  Then they discuss any merit and make a determination whether or not it is reported to the State.  Now, this is where it gets tricky: if it's someone who is by the book and literal: they will call it in and make a report.  If it's someone who has done this a long time and isn't overly worried about the process, then they'll report back down the chain that it won't be pursued.  Because dementia, history of issues, etc.

Now, I know you're probably thinking, most rationally, "This is crazy, it won't go anywhere" but when you hear that you're potentially being reported to the state, rationality goes out the window.  Kind of like being reported for financial fraud.

If it goes to the state, it will most likely get "screened out". But there will still be a record of a report. Here's where this has me a tiny bit worried: I'm a Mandated Reporter.  This could affect my job if it were to escalate as my name is attached to report. (annual criminal background checks for my job)  I'm assuming that it won't but I need to acknowledge that to the universe so it gets out of my head.

I've been pretty good at rolling with this and frankly, stuffing those feelings down into the dark and twisty space.  This one, though, has me undone.

Not that we/I thought that this issue wouldn't crop up again, it's not that.  It's the Escalation - reporting fraud then wanting to report financial abuse - and the deceit.  He's fine to our faces during visits and phone calls. Then when we leave, the other personality is telling everyone we're the worst children who ever childrened and he runs his mouth to whomever is listening. 

Back to that particular visit:

Kevin told the nurse that he really didn't want to see his dad after hearing that report.  She said that he still should because of all the reasons and Kevin said "Don't tell me to not take it personally"             She didn't push back at all, I think she knows that is just a hollow statement. But Kevin walked down alone, peeked in his door, saw that he was sound asleep then came back and said "Problem solved, he's sleeping."  Maria was all "Oh no, we need to wake him up" and she headed down to his room in a hurry. We waited a beat and then followed her, to hear her say "You can't sleep all day because then you're up at night"  which we had heard in the past is when he's the most challenging to the staff.  (also: he's prone to hospital delirium)

Reluctantly we visited for about twenty minutes and I could tell that Kevin was spiky but I'm not sure his dad could tell.  Then the f-i-l suddenly said he had to go to the bathroom and I whispered to Kevin "There's our escape, take it"  Partially because we're not going to wait the fifteen minutes for him to go poo and the other is I wasn't sure Kevin was going to be able to sustain being "friendly".

The bathroom is next to the nurses desk so we couldn't talk to Maria before we left.  Really, there wasn't a point anyway.  She just smiled consolingly and waved as we walked by.

Okay, so.  The man wearing Dad's skin suit is back.

Last time he was in this headspace, we realized that he gets a ton of negative attention. Now, it feels like we're going to have to address that; a request from us that we don't want to hear specifically what he's saying or that they curb their participation in the process of him running his mouth and getting said attention.  As in "We're not talking about that anymore" redirection from the staff.  

THEN later we heard that he's been yelling at staff and demanding to talk to someone on the regular; in addition to walking into the social worker's office. On the daily.

Now Kevin is in the He Can Die Alone headspace and there are zero things that I can say.  This behavior can be attributed to the dementia but again, it's the manipulation and duplicity that I'm struggling with.  The advocate and the dementia specialist says that he shouldn't cognitively be able to behave this way, Yet Here We Are.

If he were just 24/7 an ass (like my dad was) then we could roll with that.  It's the nice to our faces then making serious accusations that has undone me, specifically.  We assume that he doesn't understand the consequences but we don't KNOW what he knows, can process and/or remembers.

SO THEN, for the second time during this whole adventure, someone (professional) wondered if this behavior is from something HE IS WATCHING ON TELEVISION and emulating.   I mean, could be.  He normally  watches only sportsball but it could be.  Wouldn't that just be it, though?  

On TUESDAY we were finally able to reach the social worker assistant and the actual social worker, whom we interact very little with. It took way too many phone calls to achieve that. The social worker lead seemed to have zero idea of what is happening or has happened with Dad.  The assistant s.w. has been the hands-on person with him, so we're assuming that's why.  But it's disconcerting to have someone so clueless when we're depending on them for the wellbeing of a parent.

The Assistant Social Worker reports that he is BIG MAD all over again, except worse than either of the times before.  They have not been able to redirect or de-escalate him.  She inferred that this might be the personality we're going to be stuck with.  She's said that before so it's a thing.  The advocate reported the same issue from a few weeks ago so it's not "just" happening with the facility staff.

Anyway.

The alleged report did not make it past the nursing supervisor so that's good.  We were assuming it would go nowhere but we also assumed he wouldn't be able to report fraud and shut off his bank account; so we have to take everything seriously.

During a conversation with the advocate on Monday, she gently suggested that we designate a Payee, a third party, to oversee his finances.  This protect us and takes away some of the control that dad seems to think he has.  Although, he's mad about what happened in the past, not necessarily what is happening now.  

The facility can become his Payee so they're supposed to have us come sign whatever paperwork is needed.  We didn't hear from them since though so that's right on time. But we're very relieved about that piece.  It occurred to us that when they don't provide his bank balance or bank statements on demand, he's then going to be mad at them as well.

They did fuss about not having his license and the social worker lead asked if we would be open to taking him to get an ID card instead. (HELLO, READ THE ROOM, MY GUY)  I told him no thank you in a kind but very firm manner.  I can take them his license when they have us sign for the Payee process.  The advocate says not to bring it to him, to try to curb his demands, so that's conflicting information.  

We - as a family - are taking a time out for an undetermined amount of time.  We "asked" about doing that and the facility was relieved about not having to ask us to do it.  It was phrased it to Dad to make it seem like it was his idea and he seemed accepting of that.  Only then to phone the sibling just a few minutes later. The sibling declined the call then Dad phoned Kevin about fifteen minutes later and he declined the call. When asked why she thought Dad might call his sons, the social worker felt like he was just "poking the bear" and trying to get attention. Now he hasn't phoned since.

Now, it seems that the Man Wearing Dad's Skin Suit is thinking that he has "won."  The facility reports that he's in good spirits and inferred that it's because he thinks he's in control again.  The fact that he's alienated his children seems to be pinging off of him like Wonder Woman's bracelets.

So, we are all going to get cozy with the mindset (again) that all of his needs are being taken care of and try to find a normal that doesn't include visitation.  If we're being honest, we're all a little relieved to not have to schedule that every week.  A thirty-minute visit is surprisingly exhausting.  

We'll attempt a visit or call when the facility says it is a good time to try and knowing that there might not be a good time to try again.  We were trying to remember how long it's taken in the past two episodes.  The first one it was about one month and the second one was only two weeks.  The second one was the 21 Second Apology  that we felt at the time was something he was told to do versus something he wanted to do.  And here we are.