Happy Thanksgiving Everyone

 

Christmas Bully

 So, I've been fighting off depression, grief and anger with both hands and feet.  Something happened last week that I was just THAT'S IT.  I cannot take one more thing.

On Friday, Kevin called to check in and heard the tone.  Now there's more frequent phone calls and "Would you like me to bring home dinner"  I made dinner on Friday night but we went out on Saturday.  Upon return, Kevin asked when I was thinking about putting up the Christmas  tree.

Hmmm.  He never asks that and certainly never EVER days before Thanksgiving. He is not a Christmas Tree Aficionado. Then I realized "Oh, he noticed the dark and twisty..."  I mentioned that I just wasn't feeling it this year...yet.  He wondered aloud "I think maybe that's why people put their stuff up..."  I made a face to his back but replied "Yeah..."

Cue Sunday morning and he was working on projects.  We're expecting our first cold snap and he loves that. He looks forward to buttoning up the house and the outbuildings and the vehicles.  He said "I'll tell you what, when you put up the Christmas Tree, I will put up the lights."

This is his version of Double Dog Dare You and it almost always works.  dogdammit.

Instead, I held strong, I wrote to my BFF while watching the football game.  Even adding commentary like "(OH NO, Kevin has the ladder out...wait...he's cleaning gutters...whew)"

I was going to finish watching the Seahawks but then it was half-time.  In a hurried flounce, I went into Monica's Closet and dug out the tree.  Luckily, since I've turned the closet into a little bonus space, it was quite easy compared to other years retrieving the boxes.

I dragged it down the hallway and into the living room.  I always forget how tall it is. (8 feet. Yes, I have issues)  I removed it all from the box and put the box away so there was no going back.  It has three sections so I put on the stand, the first section and fluffed that section.  I put the second section on and it wouldn't attach smoothly.  There should be a satisfying CLICK sound.  Not to be thwarted, I put the final section on, thinking that it would make the second section click into place.  It did not, as you probably imagined.

I took it apart and tried again.  Not working still.  I sat the section on the couch and sat myself down on my chair to watch football.  During a commercial, I tried once more to no avail.  I sat back, took a photo of a third-lit tree and texted it to Kevin.

Like seconds later, he comes in "Oh NO, what did you do" because that's part of the game too.  Grumbling good-naturedly, he sat down in front of the tree.  He began at the beginning and did the same thing I did.  He even put the third section on before checking.  Sure enough, it blinked to life.  

He stood then said "You waited too late to start, I'm not doing the lights now..." Which is 100% b.s. because it was only 2 pm.  AND it wasn't raining for the first time in days.  "I promise I'll do them on Wednesday when I'm off."   FINE, whatevs.

Now he hates Christmas lights.  A person rarely sees him lose his cool (but it's epic when he does)  Christmas lights SEND HIM.  We tried LED lights for two years but they kept going bad.  (there's just too much water here)  We reverted back to the old school lights, with moderate  success.  I began adding one box of lights to each grocery order, just to ensure we had enough.

But I accidentally bought two...maybe three?....strands of clear bulbs instead of the matte color.  OMG, the world ended.  (he's not mad, he's frustrated, to be clear...no pun intended)  Cue me buying MORE lights, especially when they're on clearance.  

Well, now we have more lights than buildings to put them on and there are still two boxes in the cupboard..  I mentioned that the other day, in a passive aggressive way to encourage the siblings to put up lights. (father-in-law always did them)  Kevin laughed and said "I think there's three new boxes in the tote of lights still".

I will probably not add those onto the grocery order this year...but we'll see.

Anyway, I hung up maybe ten ornaments and that was it.  I lost my motivation.  Kevin came inside about 30 minutes later and didn't comment.  We snuggled in to watch television and eat dinner cozy in our chairs instead.

Now today, I made a hard phone call then ran errands.  Upon my return, I had a little actual work to do so I finished up that.  Finally, left to my own devices, I looked at the ornaments again.  Started. Stopped. Stood there and stared.  

Eventually, I asked the robot to play the Holly Channel on SiriusXM.  

If the song was one I liked, I would start decorating the tree again.  If it wasn't, then I wasn't.

The vintage/original version of Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas.

Whelp, guess I'm decorating again.    

I sent a snap to my two bffs and hung a few more ornaments. Now I'm here, at my desk.  

It's going to be Christmas before I get all of these ornaments hung.  Oh wait, Christmas Wrapping by the Waitresses started to play.  That will be good for at least ten more ornaments hung.

Chatty Email

 Chatty Email because it feels like the air just prior to an earthquake right now.  It's quiet but noisy and feels like something is about to happen.

I've started watching Greys Anatomy again from the beginning.  I usually would do this over the summer but now I start it during the fall so I have something to focus on when I'm grinding through startup of the school year.  We're not guessing how many times I've seen the whole series because I've earned my Greys Anatomy medical degree while doing so. Framed like that, it's time well spent.

On the clock app, there's a woman who is watching it for the first time.  She mostly does reaction videos and I've found myself fascinated.  It's like watching your bff watch your favorite show for the first time.  It also feels almost like you are watching it for the first time.  There's another woman who is watching Bones for the first time and it feels similar.  Also, I'm not sure how I feel about younger ones binge watching shows that I had to watch in REAL TIME.

Our internet went down the other day and it brought my workday to an absolute stop. Everything is internet dependent: work, television, music.  I spent the afternoon sitting in a silent house, which to my surprise wasn't terrible.  

But the alphabet brain eventually got bored so I found an old radio and set it up.  Who has old radios anymore?  I mean, with ANTENNAS and AM/FM. I had forgotten how much I enjoyed listening to the Canadian radio stations. (Vancouver is closer than Seattle)  Then it was time for the Mariners Game.  Some of you might not know, the Mariners made it to the playoffs; only the second time ever.  So, this was kind of a big deal.  I tried to tune in the game but the AM station wouldn't tune in.  Of course not.  Then it popped in my head that maybe I could use my phone as a hotspot for the television.

I was trying to configure this when Kevin got home.  He went outside then came back in to find the television working.  "You bad ass nerd!" he exclaims.  That's one of the best compliments ever.   

Few things represent the PNW like the absolute superstition and silliness surrounding the playoffs. Racing salmon, shoes on your head, fake moustaches, Etsy witch.  A common superstition for any PNW sports is DON'T ACKNOWLEDGE streaks or the next game.  It's one game at a time.  I know every area/town/state has their sports quirks but it feels like Seattle raises the bar. Also: everyone is in such a good mood right now.  That feels rare and almost holy.

Macklemore did a song about the Mariners in honor of the announcer Dave Niehaus.  I hadn't heard it before until someone posted it on the social media.  Cried like a baby listening to it.   My Oh My

(and then we lost and no, I don't want to talk about it. Then the BlueJays lost the series and sigh. I hate this timeline)   But the Seahawks are winning so maybe there will still be joy in Seattle again.

We were not able to participate in No Kings Day.  Instead, we have a funeral to attend.  Yes, another one.  This one is complicated as I really don't like the person who died.   The list is long but to sum up: he just wasn't a good guy.  So, it was going to be an hour of "fix your face" for me.

Update: It was a very nice ceremony until the very end when it turned into a recruitment meeting.  Sigh. We almost had  nice thing. But we shouldn't have been surprised as one of the reasons the friendship broke was his religion. (he tried to recruit/convert Kevin and then felt like we were going to hell because we didn't believe as he did and had lived in sin with no repentance. Newsflash: dude had skeletons in his closet but apparently those were washed away)  There were a lot of non-believers there; lots of looking out the windows during prayer kind of thing.  It was a beautiful church over on the island, so that was nice.

And we did get to drive along the protest route and feel a little better about this world we're living in.

I ordered one of the Blind Date with a Book packages on the clock app.  100% recommend!  It was so nicely done and had lots of little, medium and big surprises in it.  I ordered a smaller one from a different creator and it was just as nice; just not as many treats included.  I learned that I don't necessarily need to spring for the deluxe version, even though it was very enjoyable.

We've entered the Big Dark here in the PNW.  For those who are unfamiliar, the Big Dark starts in November and lasts until March-ish.  It's cloudy, rainy, foggy, feels-like-the-sun-didn't-rise, dark.  As I've gotten older, I've learned to lean into it.  Hibernation, but for people.  

Now I'm going to go watch the Seahawks and read magazines. 

A Moment of Zen

 Here's a pretty picture to rinse out the Raising Parents posts.

In the Words of Roy Kent

...Effing Hell.

When I started this, it was a month ago.

The social worker says she doesn't see my father-in-law returning from the angry place.  Instead of slipping into memorylessness, he's stuck in the angry stage. Which is, of course, worse.  He could cycle out of it temporarily but we're to expect that it will return.

At first and continually, he's mad specifically AT ME.  So, sigh, I'm out.  I'm a trigger for him so it's for everyone's well-being that I stay away.   As if that's not enough, he was/is delusional - but like for real - and is convinced that I'm funneling money out of his account for my benefit. Dear reader, he gets $105 Medicaid stipend monthly.  Yes, I am living the HIGH LIFE.

 Again we took a one month break from visiting on advice from the facility. Then after about three weeks of timeout, he actually phoned Kevin under supervision, and it went okay.  Okay is all that we can set our expectation to at this time. But it's difficult for Kevin to be friendly when he knows his dad is faking it. It's difficult for everyone, really.

But now he's been angry at the staff too, so that's kind of a new development.  As a result, they did a care plan update on him but we don't know the details and haven't asked. (helpful tip: it's easier at a certain point to Not Know Everything. Because nothing is under control, really, and will always change)  Fortunately, they adore him there. Everyone knows his name and smiles when we talk about him or identify as his kids. I have to hope this buys us time if he does escalate his behavior.

 I asked if we were at a place of needing to make a change and she said "not yet".  Not confidence inspiring, for sure.  The social worker admitted to hiding his phone charger for a while to try to circumvent him phoning the bank, the state, etc. She was a little hesitant to tell me but I was all "DO IT. Whatever it takes."  We pay for his phone - not a humblebrag - and have offered to shut if off so he just has a land-line.  The social worker laughed very nervously and asked us not to do that.  

 Then during this time, after all of the work to make it happen, the first  time that he was invited to go on a field trip, he told them to go away because he said he "didn't have any money anyway".  The social worker called the program who would take him and apologized.  She lied her face off and said that he was just having a bad day in hopes that they would try again but she didn't sound hopeful.

We got the news last Friday that the facility ran a screening test to determine where he is cognitively.  He's been screened at Level 2 on the Passrr tool.  This means that the dementia is now progressing rapidly.  The social worker reported that he can retain new information for about 1, maybe 2, hours.

After we got that result, Kevin did go visit him on his regular Saturday visit time (I stayed in the truck and read Jane Eyre)  He reported that he could retain no new information "The power went out at home" was a surprise to him three times in twenty minutes and he asked Kevin three times what he was doing today.  Then followed by the following weekend visit of "Aunt is in home now" repetition.  

So, kind of what we wished for is happening, which is sad and better than the angry place.  He's still in it that though, just hiding it.  I refer back to the "He's the man wearing Dad's skin suit" now.

Oh, Uncle Sonny called the remaining aunt and the cousins; he explained what is happening so everyone knows.  Yea Uncle Sonny!!  Prior to that and unrelated, Kevin had a tense conversation with one of the cousins who just wondered "If there was something else we/they could do."  Yeah, hate that.  Like we haven't utilized every resource we can find already. He was able to say "We have a social worker, an advocate, and a dementia therapist, plus the facility staff looking after him."  (add that to your list: someone will always question what/how you're handling the situation)

Then the boys took him to breakfast last weekend and "it was fine" was all I could get out of Kevin.  

Then the dementia therapist called for a monthly check-in.  I explained to her all of the above and she verbally nodded in agreement at our plan.  Knowing that our plan will change this afternoon, or next week, or whenever.  

She did asked how I felt about being the "villain" in this situation and I explained to her that while I'm frustrated and sad, it's al kind of ...I paused to find the word and she filled in "Relief."  Yes, it's a relief to just step back after two years of supporting and fixing and still having it all come crashing down.  I explained to her again: I have to remember that this is not my dad, this is the man wearing his skin suit.

For his birthday, he wanted to do a family dinner. I was not down with this, personally and wanted to stay home.  Kevin disagreed so I phoned the social worker and asked  what she thought about that situation.  She felt like it would be fine; especially since it's all going to change anyway at any minute. I said that I didn't want to be the cause of the regression and she reiterated that we can't prevent that from happening.  

And then...he phoned me. Apparently, the social worker then spoke with Kevin's dad and told him what was happening.  Thus the phone call to me.

Now, calls with him are a struggle because his speech is garbled and his vocabulary wasn't that great in the Before Times.  He also puts on a cheery persona that can be grating, because we know him in real life.  

Anyway, he was calling because "a little birdy told him that I thought he was made at me" and he wanted to say that he has "Never been mad at you"  I wanted to laugh disbelievingly but just said a noncommittal "Okay" and he kept spiraling around that.  "I am not mad and I haven't been mad at you. I cOuLd NeVeR bE mAd At YoU"  

It is such human reaction to defend, to just say "BET" and list the times he's been mad at me. But this version doesn't remember...or doesn't want to acknowledge... or WHO EVEN KNOWS...that anything has happened.  Kevin was pleased that he made an effort but I felt like "Meh."  He's just going to switch back to the other personality so it's difficult for me to have any positive feelings about it.  

So, I'll go to dinner and it will be uncomfortable and I'll wish I stayed home.  

P.S.

It went fine. It was fine, that's the best word. I really do think in this situation, it's a good example of "We're just visiting old Uncle" because it's so not Kevin's dad anymore.  He doesn't hold a conversation, you have to prompt with questions or he just numbly nods or laughs along with others talking.  It's fine. I sat away from him, with Kevin as a body blocker and visited with the kids.  It was fine. Yes, I know I keep saying that.

On a good note, I think my sister-in-law figured out where his change in demeanor came with calling meetings and acting officious.  JUDGE SHOWS.  She reminded us that they used to watch them all the time and he probably watches them still.  At least we got that figured out, probably, maybe.

It's fine. Effing hell.