...Effing Hell.
When I started this, it was a month ago.
The social worker says she doesn't see my father-in-law returning from the angry place. Instead of slipping into memorylessness, he's stuck in the angry stage. Which is, of course, worse. He could cycle out of it temporarily but we're to expect that it will return.
At first and continually, he's mad specifically AT ME. So, sigh, I'm out. I'm a trigger for him so it's for everyone's well-being that I stay away. As if that's not enough, he was/is delusional - but like for real - and is convinced that I'm funneling money out of his account for my benefit. Dear reader, he gets $105 Medicaid stipend monthly. Yes, I am living the HIGH LIFE.
Again we took a one month break from visiting on advice from the facility. Then after about three weeks of timeout, he actually phoned Kevin under supervision, and it went okay. Okay is all that we can set our expectation to at this time. But it's difficult for Kevin to be friendly when he knows his dad is faking it. It's difficult for everyone, really.
But now he's been angry at the staff too, so that's kind of a new development. As a result, they did a care plan update on him but we don't know the details and haven't asked. (helpful tip: it's easier at a certain point to Not Know Everything. Because nothing is under control, really, and will always change) Fortunately, they adore him there. Everyone knows his name and smiles when we talk about him or identify as his kids. I have to hope this buys us time if he does escalate his behavior.
I asked if we were at a place of needing to make a change and she said "not yet". Not confidence inspiring, for sure. The social worker admitted to hiding his phone charger for a while to try to circumvent him phoning the bank, the state, etc. She was a little hesitant to tell me but I was all "DO IT. Whatever it takes." We pay for his phone - not a humblebrag - and have offered to shut if off so he just has a land-line. The social worker laughed very nervously and asked us not to do that.
Then during this time, after all of the work to make it happen, the first time that he was invited to go on a field trip, he told them to go away because he said he "didn't have any money anyway". The social worker called the program who would take him and apologized. She lied her face off and said that he was just having a bad day in hopes that they would try again but she didn't sound hopeful.
We got the news last Friday that the facility ran a screening test to determine where he is cognitively. He's been screened at Level 2 on the Passrr tool. This means that the dementia is now progressing rapidly. The social worker reported that he can retain new information for about 1, maybe 2, hours.
After we got that result, Kevin did go visit him on his regular Saturday visit time (I stayed in the truck and read Jane Eyre) He reported that he could retain no new information "The power went out at home" was a surprise to him three times in twenty minutes and he asked Kevin three times what he was doing today. Then followed by the following weekend visit of "Aunt is in home now" repetition.
So, kind of what we wished for is happening, which is sad and better than the angry place. He's still in it that though, just hiding it. I refer back to the "He's the man wearing Dad's skin suit" now.
Oh, Uncle Sonny called the remaining aunt and the cousins; he explained what is happening so everyone knows. Yea Uncle Sonny!! Prior to that and unrelated, Kevin had a tense conversation with one of the cousins who just wondered "If there was something else we/they could do." Yeah, hate that. Like we haven't utilized every resource we can find already. He was able to say "We have a social worker, an advocate, and a dementia therapist, plus the facility staff looking after him." (add that to your list: someone will always question what/how you're handling the situation)
Then the boys took him to breakfast last weekend and "it was fine" was all I could get out of Kevin.
Then the dementia therapist called for a monthly check-in. I explained to her all of the above and she verbally nodded in agreement at our plan. Knowing that our plan will change this afternoon, or next week, or whenever.
She did asked how I felt about being the "villain" in this situation and I explained to her that while I'm frustrated and sad, it's al kind of ...I paused to find the word and she filled in "Relief." Yes, it's a relief to just step back after two years of supporting and fixing and still having it all come crashing down. I explained to her again: I have to remember that this is not my dad, this is the man wearing his skin suit.
For his birthday, he wanted to do a family dinner. I was not down with this, personally and wanted to stay home. Kevin disagreed so I phoned the social worker and asked what she thought about that situation. She felt like it would be fine; especially since it's all going to change anyway at any minute. I said that I didn't want to be the cause of the regression and she reiterated that we can't prevent that from happening.
And then...he phoned me. Apparently, the social worker then spoke with Kevin's dad and told him what was happening. Thus the phone call to me.
Now, calls with him are a struggle because his speech is garbled and his vocabulary wasn't that great in the Before Times. He also puts on a cheery persona that can be grating, because we know him in real life.
Anyway, he was calling because "a little birdy told him that I thought he was made at me" and he wanted to say that he has "Never been mad at you" I wanted to laugh disbelievingly but just said a noncommittal "Okay" and he kept spiraling around that. "I am not mad and I haven't been mad at you. I cOuLd NeVeR bE mAd At YoU"
It is such human reaction to defend, to just say "BET" and list the times he's been mad at me. But this version doesn't remember...or doesn't want to acknowledge... or WHO EVEN KNOWS...that anything has happened. Kevin was pleased that he made an effort but I felt like "Meh." He's just going to switch back to the other personality so it's difficult for me to have any positive feelings about it.
So, I'll go to dinner and it will be uncomfortable and I'll wish I stayed home.
P.S.
It went fine. It was fine, that's the best word. I really do think in this situation, it's a good example of "We're just visiting old Uncle" because it's so not Kevin's dad anymore. He doesn't hold a conversation, you have to prompt with questions or he just numbly nods or laughs along with others talking. It's fine. I sat away from him, with Kevin as a body blocker and visited with the kids. It was fine. Yes, I know I keep saying that.
On a good note, I think my sister-in-law figured out where his change in demeanor came with calling meetings and acting officious. JUDGE SHOWS. She reminded us that they used to watch them all the time and he probably watches them still. At least we got that figured out, probably, maybe.
It's fine. Effing hell.
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