Okay, hi hello.
So, for everyone who has been reading along, one would think that we would be "Ohhh, finally..." when my father-in-law finally passed. And you would be right. Except...
When Kevin got the call from Hospice, he was running equipment. He said he listened and when they said the words, he sat back and exclaimed "WHAT!?!" in surprise.
Because what had happened was: we were expecting it. The nurse at the facility had said it was starting to happen. The Hospice nurse was more tentative but agreed, because He Had Tricked Us Before. So we were aware.
Yet when you hear the words, it's disconcerting. There's a tiny bit of relief, there's loss. But it's still a shock. Then if you're wired like Kevin and I, there's "What's next?"
The previous week his dad had been steadily declining and we were wondering how he could possibly go on much longer. Yet, he was. We saw him on Sunday and knew it was happening. He had entered into the Terminal Agitation phase, which gives a two-week window. It's also said that it passes into a peaceful, coma-like state. Yeah, no. He was angry up until the day before. Like Angry angry. Swatting/swinging at staff, kicking, angry.
We chose not to sit vigil. Because of his agitated state - and the last year of him being angry at us - we felt it was better for all involved if we stayed away to give everyone a chance for as much peace as possible. (He demanded that Kevin take him home in one of their last conversations. Kevin lied and said he had to go back to work and couldn't) Hospice and the facility agreed it was okay for us to skip this part. Also and more importantly, we feel like he would have hated that, us sitting vigil. He would have hated the past two years of his life, actually.
The social worker who loved him sat with him and walked him through to the next life. We could not have asked for a better person for him to be with. For as crappy as our experience was with the facility, she is amazing.
Everything was pre-arranged so Hospice just had to make a call to come get him. The funeral home called us for a signature and most everything was finished. (Tip fifty-eleven: if you're able, do pre-arrangements for your death. We're going to make that a goal next year. At the very least, write down all your wishes)
I spent yesterday in the car. Crying a little bit in the car. I went to the facility to pick up his stuff and sign a form. While waiting, I saw both the Executive Director and the Director of Nursing. I said a pleasant hello to the Executive Director and used her first name. She said a friendly hello but clearly had ZERO IDEA who I was. I didn't want her condolences but I expected them. The Nursing Director did not acknowledge my presence until the third time she walked past me yet still didn't indicate she knew me. Upon her retreat, I stuck my tongue out at her back. To my pleasure, someone on staff saw me and stifled a giggle.
I met the Social Worker and we chatted as we walked the ridiculously long hallway to her office. I dropped off a big bag of mixed Dove Chocolates at the nurses desk with a thank you card and that distracted me from looking into my father-in-law's room. (I'm certain it was already filled, as it should be)
We went through his boxes and I took one small box. We donated his clothing and bedding to the facility. Someone else can enjoy his sportsball shirts and have cozy flannel sheets. There was a whopping $75 cash left from his account and she gave it to me. I slid it back to her and said "Kevin says you more than earned this, buy yourself something pretty. Or go to dinner. Or go to the dollar store"
And that's when the tears started. She broke first then that broke me. We hugged it out and I left. But not before seeing one of his nurses as I went down the hallway. I stopped and said who I was and her face fell. She rubbed my shoulder and expressed condolences and now everyone's crying again.
Next stop was the funeral home. I was having a little deja vu because I was just there three years ago, almost to the date. This funeral home is like something out of a Halloween Hallmark movie. It's perfectly nice but it leans hard into the funeral home aesthetic.
I signed more forms and picked him up. I chose a nice but plain wooden box, kind of like a manly jewelry box. I mentioned that it was heavier than I expected. She asked me if I needed help out to the car and I declined. She helped with the door and asked again. "What's the worst thing that could happen?" I asked, laughing "I would drop him?"
Dear readers, she was horrified. HORRIFIED. Which, because I'm wired different, made me laugh.
Next, I buckled him into the backseat of my car. Mom was already buckled in and we were ready to go. This funeral home is on the south side of the county and I was traveling to the north side of the next county north. I had already bought a coffee and a car wash (which I'm sure Mom hated the car wash) I knew in real she would like to take the scenic route there but she was stuck with the freeway and that's okay.
The cemetery is so far away and I always, always think that I took the wrong turn. But it's just far away. And it's so lovely. It's huge and pretty and quiet. The funeral home portion isn't as staid as the other one and that's nice.
Even though they were expecting me, she seemed surprised when I said that I was there to drop my parents off. I know, I know, I Know, but humor is a defense mechanism. First I brought in my f-i-l then had to go back out to the car to get my m-i-l. I set her on the counter and the woman commented how beautiful her urn was. So, of course, I told her the story about the person being hesitant to sell it to us and how it was on clearance, etc. She looked at me and said "Seriously, this is one of the most beautiful ones I've ever seen." So, that was good.
I signed more paperwork and it...was all done. After three really hard years, it was all done. Walking out to the car, it hit me: there's nothing to worry about, there's nothing to fix, there's nothing to think about. For the first time in three years. Honestly, that was almost as hard as the loss of the people.
So, not one to dwell but also one to fuss a scab, I went and found their stillborn son's grave. We had purchased a marker for him after Mom passed but I hadn't seen it installed. It took me a minute because they had mown the grass but not cleared the clippings. It needed cleaning so I went to the car and got water and a towel then I talked to him for a minute while I cleaned. I will take clippers and a better cleaner when we return to see the parents headstone.
Once I got home, I left the box of Dad's stuff on the counter. But the clutter bothered me so I went through it. (also, I didn't want Kevin to have to deal with it) There was nothing super surprising or special. His notepad of blood pressure readings and phone numbers (I didn't program his phone with all the numbers because he was being a butthead at the time) His blood pressure cuff, his hearing aides - of which I've already lost one, and his watch. All of the life he had (almost 88 years) and that was all the physical belongings left. There's some realism, right there.
I had to call the pacemaker monitoring company to return his monitor. I notified his doctors. I have to go mail notices to the credit bureaus and drop off the death certificate at the bank today. Then I'm done with the paperwork and legal stuff.
The memorial will be here, at the siblings house, in a few weeks. It will be the same as Mom's, unstructured with too much food. The family is smaller now so we are not sure what to expect. Until then, I will work on another photo album and the memorial card but that will be "easy", I have all the stuff I need from last time.
Now Kevin is back to work and I decided to go back tomorrow. I had scheduled the week off but now I feel like I need normal and a schedule. Not that I have any idea what normal is, or what it will look like now.
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| Married 67.5 years and lived well into their 80's We should all be so lucky. |
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