10 February 2009

Today's Adventure

is getting my ass kicked by chicken. No, not live chicken. Dead chicken. Chicken breast, specifically. In frozen form, nonetheless.

I've really been making an attempt to cook & eat like a grown-up. While I've not been entirely successful but that's not my point....well, actually, it is.

I have forgotten two days running to take the frozen chicken breast out of the freezer. Last night, being Monday, I just moved on and made a easy (a.k.a processed) dinner. It was Monday, after all. No one cooks on a Monday.

Tonight, I arrived home with the best of intentions. Then I realized I forgot to take the chicken out again. I happened to be on the telephone with my mom at this point so I mentioned this to her. She suggested defrosting it in the microwave. I demurred because it's chicken and I'd really rather not have food poisoning.

And boy, was she excited that her DAUGHTER was COOKING and, she got to offer advice. I think she's going to go a few days on that.

But I persevered. I tried to defrost it, slowly, in warm water with the intention of over-cooking it so that I didn't poison us. (Kevin likes it dry anyway. Lucky me)

AND THEN...Kevin comes home early because he's tired and had a rough day. Well. sh*t.

Again, I kept going. This is where I made my first mistake.

Oh, wait. I forgot a part:
Kevin took mail over to his parents and when he came back, he said wistfully "Mom's making fried egg sandwiches and they sounded SO GOOD but I know you won't make them for me."
I replied "No, because they're FRIED and I don't fry and No, because I have no eggs." Well done me, I forgot to put them on the shopping list and thusly, ended any further debate.

Meanwhile, the breasts are softening up and I'm thinking "Okay, if I can break them apart, I will attempt to defrost them in the microwave."

Um. Yeah. No.

They won't come apart.

Oh wait, one more time: these are from a large pack that I bought. I made baked chicken breast last week & oh so smartly & efficiently wrapped them up and froze them for later. Not so smartly, however, wrapped them together so now we're having the above mentioned issue of two chicken breasts frozen together.

I tried and I tried. I even grabbed a knife...have I mentioned that I'm scared of knives?...but I realized that frozen & slippery meat vs. me with a sharp object was simply not going to end well.

Kevin, in a chivalrous gesture, half-heartedly offered to help me. Then he realized what he offered and just as quickly rescinded his offer. "That's gross, I'm never touching you again" was a direct quote.

*Fine* she says with waning patience...I will defrost them in the microwave.

I set them on the convenient "Defrost Chicken" preset button and for the thirty second increment. This is overly cautious, I believe, but who knows?

Well, Kevin actually winced at the popping noise they made. I assumed...never a good idea...that it was water/ice bubbles popping. Um. No. The microwave was cooking them! What part of DEFROST CHICKEN does the microwave not understand???? It has a very specifically labeled button JUST FOR THAT PURPOSE for God's sake.

Again, I persevere. I will not be defeated by chicken.

I abandon the defrost button and reset the microwave to cook at 50%, as this will usually defrost hamburger quite nicely.

Apparently, chicken is finicky. It cooked MORE. And it is still frozen in the middle.


Kevin is trying not to laugh and is trying to hide his surprise that I am even attempting this culinary feat at this point.

Finally, I just give up. I couldn't foresee a cooked on the outside, frozen on the inside chicken turning out in any way good.

Kevin called his mom and in attempt to save my dwindling dignity began to ask his mom if he could have dinner at their house. I saved him by shouting, and I quote:
"*FIREGIRL* Got Her Ass Kicked By Chicken and Kevin needs
to eat at your house."

To their credit, they both tried not to laugh too hard.

I think I'm having cereal for dinner. As God clearly intended.

Freakin' Chicken. Stupid Microwave.


Dynamita said...

He he, this is hilarious!

BTW You can take out the chicken the night before and put it in the fridge. It should be defrosted by the time you get home the next evening. Also the safest way to defrost chicken is by placing it (in it's wrapper if you want) under running water (not warm) for a while. It's a waste of water because it takes a while but you can compensate the earth by eating lentils the next evening or something.

Swistle said...

That stupid chicken obviously had it in for you.