Adventures in Parenting

 I haven't told a parent story for a while, I realized.  The pandemic has kind of limited their ability to make us crazy.  Oh, there's the usual electronical things like when they turned down the phone and didn't turn it up so now it's broken.  Or orders from Amazon that she DIDN'T order, just ask her. (now she knows how "easy" it is to do returns, sigh.) 

Or the handful of times they would decide that they were just over the pandemic and would go somewhere.  Kevin did a good job at just stepping back and letting them go.  Sure, he'd throw out a "You're gonna die alone..." here and there but mostly he held his tongue.

And now they're both immunized so they've been shopping and to restaurants multiple times. Don't get me started.  They are still in their eighties and medically fragile.

Kevin's mom was dying to see our house, she's been hearing about my projects and wanted to actually see it.  Kevin went over Sunday at noon to see if she wanted to visit. He would walk her over here.  But she had tired herself out and wanted a little rest first.  Kevin told her he'd check in with her later and came home.

He was moving the clock and artwork on the wall behind the giant television and I was mopping when we both hear a noise.  It was his mother.  Standing in our kitchen.  Unannounced. UNACCOMPANIED.  She had somehow managed to walk over here, on a gravel path, by herself.  No cane, no walker, no oxygen. Nothing.  At least she kept their little dog home, I guess?  My f-i-l was working next door (another don't get me started) and she took the opportunity to sneak over.  She would say "surprise", we say sneak.

Kevin and I were both stunned to silence.  Finally I managed "You are SO grounded" over Kevin's "What in the hell are you doing?"  She did the infuriating "I'm fine" thing when she's so not fine. She was clearly exhausted but didn't want to sit or borrow my cane.  Because reasons.

We recovered quickly enough and Kevin took her on a tour.  It's not like the house is huge, I can hear everything and I did pop in to make an appearance in each room, I just didn't hover.   She liked it very much, became a little weepy seeing our picture wall, and Kevin walked her home.  

We didn't discuss it once he returned, just a raised eyebrow and a heavy sigh.  It wasn't until dinner when I mentioned "SHE DIDN'T EVEN KNOCK."

I've talked about the bras and my m-i-l.  Here's an update: It is STILL happening.  Man, I have some karma to correct somewhere.  Kevin suggested that I hand the issue off to my sister-in-law.  Yeah, tried that and she is uninterested.  Because, you know, I'm ENJOYING this so much.  We're waiting for two more bras to arrive and if those don't fit, then she is going to have to go into a store and get fitted.  

Here's the big one.  Here's the one that made me wish I had alcohol in the house.  

Every.Single.Time. my mother-in-law phones, she asks "Are you sleeping?"  Doesn't matter if it's 6 in the morning or 2 in the afternoon.

She phoned about 4:00 pm and she sounded not quite on this planet.  It's a little early for her to be sundowning so my internal alarm sounded.   After a few seconds of fumbling, she finally got out that she needed help with her bank account and "can you go on the computer and look."

I've always kept financial boundaries firm with the family.  This can be challenging because there are few boundaries in this family.  For example, every year Kevin's brother tries to compare income tax refunds.  Every.Single.Year.  So, yeah, that's a thing.  I'm hesitant to wade into these waters and I'm trying to decide if I need to call Kevin.

She continued to struggle to ask me so I asked her what exactly she needed.  Did she need a bill paid? Did she need to check her balance?   (my blood pressure is rising writing this, just remembering.)

"I just phoned the bank and it says there is no money in our account."

YEAH.  

I told her I'd be right over, I just needed to get my laptop.    As I'm getting it and turning it on so it's ready when I walked over there, I'm trying not to panic.  I'm flipping over into Combat Mode, working the problem.  

It's probably a mistake, odds are it's a mistake. 

Except remember when she tried to order something from Facebook?  And Amazon.  

We have funds to cover them if it is something wrong.  But the brother is going to have to buck up too and that will be drama...

Are we at the point of them needing help with their finances because 1.2.3. NOT IT.  

Seconds later, I'm walking over with my laptop and my internet hotspot.  Breathing through it and convincing myself that it is just a mistake.

My father-in-law is in his chair watching WOMEN'S BASKETBALL.  Like nothing is wrong.  

My mother-in-law is at the kitchen table and absolutely no color in her face.  She's struggling with words because she has, rightfully so, melted down.  

I asked her to give me her bank statement so I can create an account.  I asked her if that was okay and she hesitated.  Then I explained that I can't help her if I can't have those things.  Well, how do they balance their checkbook you just wondered.  She CALLS CUSTOMER SERVICE.  

I noticed that she had three credit cards in front of her, all of them from a national bank.  "What are those?"  I asked.  One is a debit, one is a credit, and one is...Are You Ready?...  " a card they just gave me."  Deep breath. Do.not.react. 

She gave me the bank statement and I got to work, like you see in the movies when people are trying to hack into the company computer system.  This is where I say it's FRIGHTENINGLY easy to create an account.  

And...they have a balance.  A big balance, actually.  So...hooray?

Now I'm walking back what happened.  She phoned customer service to check their account.  It appears that she entered the "Card They Just Gave Me" and it has a zero balance.  Because it's a credit card with rewards and they don't use it. She kept pointing out that it was a rewards card until it occurred to me what she meant and I said "It's not like the grocery store."  

Plus, she used that card number - out of three available cards - instead of their account number for reasons that are beyond me.  

I'm vacillating somewhere between wanting to lay down and cry and throwing punches.

Then my sister-in-law phones her.  M-i-l is telling her that I'm looking into it and fixed it.  But she's not being clear because she's still in panic mode.  I literally took the phone out of her hand "Teresa, it's Surely.  It's all good.  It's probably what you thought happened."  She expressed relief, frustration and thanks and we hung up.

Now that I'm not freaking out that we have to pay their bills until this gets fixed, I've flipped into WTF Mode.  She explained again about the card that they just gave her.  I suggested, pretty firmly, that they call the bank and cancel that card.  She's stuck on the "But they gave it to us" so I moved on.  

Next I suggested that she has my s-i-l help with this regularly so we don't freak out the entire family.  She kind of agreed to that.  I suspect that she asks for help more than I know with that.  Whatever, I said the words and I can move on without guilt.

Then I suggested that they keep the larger amount of money in savings instead of in checking.  They have been poor a good portion of their lives and it's my guess that it's comforting to have that big amount in their checking.  However, I pointed out that if this had been Fraud, they would have exactly $211 in savings to live on while it was getting fixed.  This took a couple of tries to get them to understand and I left it unresolved. Yes, I could have transferred the money right then and there but I'm trying to keep boundaries in place.  

So, now it's all fixed.  I texted my s-i-l all of the log-in information so she can do with it what she wants.  I wrote it down for the inevitable next time.

Returning to my house, I texted Kevin to phone me when he gets a moment.  Again, wishing there was alcohol in this damn house.  He phones right away because I never make that request.  I gave him the clif notes version of the story and he's momentarily speechless.  That never happens. He recovers and says thanks for fixing it and that obviously A Conversation is needed.  Again: 1.2.3. Not It.

Then he tells me later that the b-i-l knew but didn't tell Kevin or me.  What the ACTUAL.  I can't even go there in my mind because it's so frustrating.  And then it occurred to me that clearly the s-i-l knew also.  Sigh.

I post this to a) scream uselessly into the void  b) so it's hopefully helpful to someone else who is raising elderly parents.  I have no suggestions because finances are one of those areas that aren't going to be addressed until something goes wrong.  We dodged a bullet and that was our warning shot.