Just Put It in the Cart

 A few years ago now, I had a little shopping spree.  Today, because it's raining and I don't feel like going anywhere, I brought out a few of the things that I bought to either do something with or donate.  At the time, about half of the things I bought went immediately into use, the other half was set aside for "maybe someday when it slows down".  Fast forward two years...

This was in in-between time of my mother-in-law passing, relocating my father-in-law, and the slow steady decline that followed.

At the time, after a difficult phone call, Kevin mentioned that I should just take some money and "go shopping".  This isn't as sexist as it sounds.  In our world, "go shopping" could mean books, the farm or hardware store, or the dollar store.  There was a non-specific amount available and now I can't remember why there was money available for this kind of - in my world - extravagance.  Extravagance being defined as spending money on myself beyond the basics.

I think he had just gotten a bonus or I did, something unexpected like that.  It doesn't matter, I don't know why I'm hyper-fixated on that.  Other than to say: in this situation, I am showing my privilege.

After a trip to the facility for reasons that are blurry now, I decided to take his advice and take a moment to just breathe.  I went into the big box store where many of us no longer shop.  (I think this was right at the beginning of all that)  I grabbed a cart, which I never do, then bought a coffee; which is also something I would never do In A Store.  The height of extravagance!

I employed the Jeff Miller's Grandma's Method of Shopping.  No, you're not supposed to know what that is and it won't show up on a google search.   Nearly 40 years ago (sweet baby jesus) when I was married to satan, I also had a roommate.  He taught me how to grocery shop because I was nineteen and knew nothing.  One of the methods was to be like his grandma and go down each aisle.  The reasoning is that you'll find something that you have forgotten or that you'll get an idea to make something. Otherwise you just buy the same ten things over and over.  At the time we were on a capital B budget so overspending wasn't a risk.

Anyway

I browsed every aisle, twice, and every end cap.  If something grabbed my attention, I put it in the cart.  I had decided that at the end, I would review my cart and put stuff back if I wasn't interested anymore. Or if I found something more expensive and I could cull an item(s) or just abandon the car altogether to a cashier and claim an emergency thus leaving with nothing but anxiety.  

First thing I put in the cart: a 64 count box of Crayola Crayons, with the sharpener.  I have zero use for it, none whatsoever.  But I have always wanted one since ever.  (I always got the small box or usually Rose brand crayons, IYKYK, or somehow worse: a discarded box of crayons) 

I noticed there was an art kit, complete with acrylic paint, canvas, brushes, and a small easel for surprisingly little cost.  Am I a painter?  No, only of walls.  Have I ever tried it?  No.  Are there videos on social media that make it look surprisingly easy?  Yes.  Into the cart it went.  It could be a gift if I changed my mind.  (It is one of the things that I'm opening today.)

Then I put into the cart the full set of Sharpies.  Again, just wanted them.  They're still hanging on the side of the fridge.  Kevin has tried to dibs them but even he has held off on taking them.  I think it's poor kid thing, they're too special to use; even though they sell them at the store every day.

Next was more practical: washcloths and hand towels.  Ours were overdue to be replaced.  They came in Fall colors: orange, yellow, and green. I was momentarily puzzled when the cashier commented "What lovely Fall colors..." Because in my mind, green would match the current bathroom, yellow was the color in Kevin's bathroom when we met, and orange is my favorite color.  

Next I chose a drying mat because I had just been using towels and I hate the clutter of a plastic drying rack.  I'd seen them in use at work and thought "that's just too easy"  I bought the only color they had: grey.  Once I knew I liked using them, I ordered pretty ones from etsy.  (click here)

Then I grabbed a simple metal tea kettle.  There are times when I need one and it was like $10.  I could have gotten one much nicer/cooler at second hand but that wasn't the point of this adventure.  I pondered dishes, pots, containers in the housewares but nothing really caught my eye.

I browsed the book aisle.  I rarely pay full price for books so this was a conundrum.  Again though, that was not the point of this trip.  I put three books in my cart, all of them recommended by the internet.  I don't think I've read any of them yet.  I can't remember which horrible person had a book out then, I just remember turning all those books over so you couldn't see them.

Next was the seasonal and clearance section and it was transitioning from summer to fall/holidays.  I didn't get anything, surprisingly. Oh wait, I just glanced at the photo I sent my bff, I got one of the birds.

I browsed the toy aisles, even though our kids are all grown except one. I pondered getting a lego set because those seem soothing to do. But there wasn't one that caught my attention.  Also, it would have been my entire imaginary budget.  Also x2, I hate that everything is commercialized with superheroes and television.  (be a dear and hand me my cane. Tell the kids to get off my lawn!)  I do like the botanical sets they have now and that's on a wish list for the future.

Now I am in the food section so I skipped those aisles but did pick up M&Ms, which was for Kevin. 

I'm not interested in anything in the sportsball section but did get a hand weight and a therapy band.  I use the hand weight while sitting at my desk for long periods of time.  The therapy band is with my other therapy bands, unused in a closet.  The intention was there.

I skipped toiletries and cosmetics entirely.  Those aisles are wasted on me unless there's something specific I need.  This was not the focus of this mission.

I lightly browsed the clothing section - women and mens - but I didn't need anything.  I noticed that the trend was very 1980's and that was kind of fun to think about.  I almost bought a backpack/purse but put it back. I already have two that I don't use.  

Finally, if you're familiar with the store you know I had gone through every section.  I stood in the clothing section and looked through the cart.  There wasn't anything that I felt like I needed to put back, to my surprise.

Again, this is something that I have never done and probably wouldn't do again.  Not because of any reason other than I don't need to.  Let's just call this a self-care exercise for that period of time.

I went through checkout and I wasn't nervous about the total but was anxiously curious.  I just don't spend money like this. It would be fine if I went over the imaginary budget.  I didn't pay conscious attention as I put things in the cart but my guess was under $200.  It was $145, which I remember kind of wincing then self-correcting that it was totally fine.

But there were so many years where doing something like this would be unthinkable, laughable even.  So that's a difficult mindset to break.  Also, there are people who do this regularly without judgement so that's like whatever.

Overall, I had fun and it's probably not something I would do again.  I would recommend doing it if you're going through a challenging time.  The big win of this exercise was for an hour, I didn't think about anything other than what was in front me and whether or not I wanted it.  

Also, it doesn't have to be a big box store. I chose the big box store because it would have a little of everything.  It can be a second hand store or the dollar store, or a TJ Max or book, antique, hardware or garden store. Somewhere you feel comfortable in, it's not necessarily about the store or the shopping. It was creating a moment to just be.