From Books to Paint and Curtains

 Okay, so.  I have to tell you: I made a decision.  I really took it under consideration, spent a whole day thinking about it; it's been longer than that but in concentrated contemplation. Slept on it. Put out some feelers.  Then I just made a decision and jumped into this project.

I sorted my books by author.  Not by color or anything else fun like that.  I thought about horizonal instead of  vertical. I thought about alternating but went with the standard sorting by author. Not alphabetically by author because I just don't have the bandwidth for that right now.

But wait, here's where it gets controversial:

I got rid of my To Be Read pile(s)  (TBR)  Well, mostly.

Gasp. Sputter. Dismay!

Okay, I know, I know. It's upsetting.  Here's how I came to that controversial conclusion:

Let's begin at the beginning: 

• I'm sorting the books by author.  
• I'm keeping only books I intend to read or reread someday when I'm old and can't just easily buy books.  

By putting the TBR with the Read, my shelves will have more room, be more aesthetically pleasing, and create space for new additions.  Yes, I know, I'm still going to buy MORE BOOKS and that will still be an issue.  But Right Now, I want them sorted this way. That is a Future Me problem.

Then if I want to read that author specifically, I can just browse those shelves and have the fun discovery of "Oh, I have a new book!"  Thanks, Past Me!

*Also, I'm terrible at keeping track of which books in series I have.  This solves the duplicate issue, probably.

However, there are 1 3/4 shelves of TBR still so not to worry.  Perhaps I was a little misleading...or excited about rule-breaking. 

I've acquired books of one-off authors along the way. I've read and kept them so right now, that is a shelf less than full of books. This requires them to share a shelf so that took some rearranging as I placed books back and forth, back and forth.  

Two other book-related things while I'm rambling: 

Earlier I finally went through writing from my childhood; essays, assignments, and a journal I don't remember writing. (so horrifyingly cringy, do not recommend)  I had kept a book report about a book I really liked and for the first time in too long, I ordered a book from shamazon.  Remember when they had only books?  

I have one author that I have way too many of her books.  As it progressed: three shelves reduced to two.  At this point, it feels like those shelves are valuable real estate so I will probably go through those books again to make sure I didn't hoard a book I didn't mean to.  Also, feels a little weird having Such An Excessive Amount of one author's books.  However, this author tends towards series so that just complicates this whole sort-by-author process.

Sidenote that I've mentioned before: for all the years working in social services, I prefer more light reading than anything dark or complicated. So, while not quite grocery store romance novels, or even chick-lit, not true crime either.  I'm not a huge non-fiction fan and those books are on a different bookshelves. 

I've done away with most of the old standard-size paperbacks.  Well, done away with being defined as sitting in a pile next to the bookshelf....now time has passed and I kept a few of them by authors I like and, obviously, I like the stories.  I kept the very first adult fiction book that I read...other than Flowers in the Attic...just out of sentimentality.  (Danielle Steel - Full Circle.  It was the 80's and I was fifteen)

It feels daunting to either surf the interwebs to replace the smaller paperbacks or photograph them to be replaced later. Because let's just be honest: they're not getting replaced.  If they're old enough to be the old standard-sized paperbacks, chances are they are not reprinted in the new mass market style.

Then there's the books from the book clubs that you order on a whim or it's the featured book or you forget to reply and now you have this random book.  Also from book clubs: I kept a few from an author that was/is popular in attempt to give them a try.  I find the author personally annoying so I really did just set us both up for failure there.  Into the pile they go.  Rinse and repeat for another author unburied from the shelves.

This process took almost two days.  I started mid-day on Saturday and was making headway when Kevin mentioned that he told his bff that we would go to his house for an impromptu barbecue.  I whined at him "But I want to play with my BOOOOOOOOKKKKSSSSS."  

Sunday, I was determined to finish. The thing about working from home is that this can't be the storage/clutter/I'll-get-to-that-later room.  At this point of the adventure, the floor was nearly impassable and the bookshelf mostly empty.

Of course, this is now the time to go into town to pick up a new television and router.  Welcome to living with Surely.

What had happened there was we had to disconnect our satellite and the television in our room was not a smart television.  In the Prepare for the Worse, Hope for the Best mindset, I ordered a new television so we would have something to watch at night.  The new router was just needed, Then we also had to run the cable - that's not the right word, I know - from the bedroom to the office.  The office where books had exploded. The office where the router lives.  The office where the books are right in front of the door.

Oh, and because of the possible no television in the bedroom, my brain thought that this was the Absolute Perfect Time to cull through all the dvds in the cupboard.  As a result, "my" dvds are on the bottom shelf of the non-fiction bookcase.  The decision-making factor with that was I need more shelves for photo albums and some of the mother-in-law's things.  Also: who even watches dvd's anymore?

I am an excellent decision maker and planner. 

By now, I'm fully in If You Give A Mouse A Cookie. (or as Kevin called it the other day "If you give an elephant a cracker")  There are three projects going and yikes.  I banished Kevin to his shop, put on my headphones, and set my determination to finish.

As a result, the backset of my truck is FULL of boxes/bags of books. Everything was placed on the shelf, including some paperbacks because I couldn't let them all go.  The other bookshelf was reorganized because see: dvds.  

And all was content in Whoville.

Until, I decided to fix my paint job that I did prior to my eye surgery.  Did you know that painting while being/going blind is not effective?  Hmm.  I promised Kevin that I would fix everything once my eyes healed and now it's been well over one year.  

Now, I know...this has been a lot to process...remember when I got new curtains for the living room and decided I hated the prefab valance so I had Kevin change it?  Well, there is one in my office above a giant window.  It was a different color that I ended up disliking so I had draped fabric across the valance.  This window also had the heavy green satin curtain that matched the rest of the house.

Next thing I know, I've taken down the valance and ordered new curtains.  Like you do when sorting books on a bookshelf.

Now that I have approval for working from home for the foreseeable future, I took out the box from my old office and went through it.  I put up my Doctor Who stuff, used the lamps elsewhere in the house, and just Moved In, I guess is the best way to describe it. 

I still have to rehang the rod with the sheer curtain

It has such a nice feel to it now, like a legitimate office.  It feels enjoyable to walk into the room now and it makes me want to read.  Now I'm on the hunt for a glider rocker because the rocking chair I have isn't comfortable for long sits. It's not a secret library (yet) but I'm holding out hopes for that to happen.

When Something is Forced

 My mom and younger brother did come to the memorial. They arrived about two hours in, just late enough to let me think they weren't coming.  I was down in the yard when they arrived and s-i-l texted from the kitchen "They're here" and I replied "No thank you."  

But Kevin was upstairs and saw them then texted me too. I lingered because I'm still having feelings about how that played out with my mother. I realized while I was sitting there that the contrast was highlighted in neon, the difference between mothers.  In the now, there were just under one hundred people at my m-i-l's memorial; she was so beloved.  Then there was my mother.

Then next thing I know Nephew is walking my mom down to the table where I was.  I thought that was sweet of Nephew until he told me she told him to do it.  Sigh.  Perfect example.

It was as awkward as one would expect.  Not only did I have this stunning realization about the relationship just two weeks prior, there's also distance there due to the Pandemic.  Kevin tried to keep a conversation going but it was just uncomfortable. Kevin's b.f.f. - who knows my family - was sitting with us too but he was no help, he just wallowed in the awkwardness with me. lolsigh.

My brother tried to keep a thread of a conversation too but he's the smartest guy in the room - just ask him - and with mixed tones of bigotry, so that fell flat as well. More on that in a minute. Also, he's absolutely befuddled why I would be staying away from the family these past years.  There is zero self-awareness.

Earlier in the day, I had told Five that we were going to go to the creek and he chose That Moment to want to go.  He came up to me and snuggled up then said he wanted to go to the creek.  In front of everyone.  I told him that I couldn't just then but I would in a little while. "Why can't you go now?" he asked.  I awkwardly explained that I had to stay and talk to people.  He has no recollection of who my family is so they were just "people" to him.  

Because he's seven-and-a-half, he's not to be thwarted. "When will you be done? When can you go? Are you done now? Why do you have to wait?"

I'm lamely answering him, even saying "I know I promised that we would go but right now I have to stay."  "Why?" he asks again.  He's the youngest child, he knows the tricks.  He kept asking and I tried to make light of it.  Then he puts his face to mine, almost nose-to-nose, hands on both sides of my face and in a hypnotic tone says "Why can't we go? Let's go..."

It made me laugh and I told him "You're just making it weird now" and he laughed, then he wandered off.  It occurred to me much later that my mother and brother just sat there mute the whole time.  Not an interaction, not a "You sure have grown!" or a "Well, you have things to do" Nothing.  We continued to sit in awkward conversation.  

Finally, she announced they were going and kept trying to hug me. Which is so weird, we weren't raised with affection and now she hugs and it's unsettling. Also: do you not remember yelling at me?      Brother made a comment about how he didn't know how to address the card "There's a lot of people here" and I just said "It's a big family, and not everyone is here right now. People have been coming and going."  

Mom then also commented about how many people were here and I just lamely repeated "It's a very big, busy family."  I think they both might have had the realization that THIS *waving my hands around four generations of people* is my family and that it Actually Existed.  

Then cue Kevin, one of my favorite of the young cousins - and my Kevin's namesake - walking up and breaking the thread of the conversation.  Mom literally just started walking away and my brother lamely said "I guess I better get going"

My sister-in-law said that they just said hi to her upon their arrival, which is surprising because she was so worried about her during the Chastisement.  Then Mom went and sat with my father-in-law and Kevin said he didn't see her visiting with my f-i-l at all, so who even knows.  I wondered aloud to my s-i-l that it felt like a reconnaissance mission and she didn't disagree.  Or more like an item on a checklist: Publicly Support Daughter.  Yeah, that feels right.

Oh, and then later, Kevin told me that he was talking to our SUPER LIBERAL neighbor and climate change was mentioned.  My brother disagreed about it - of course - and said "We don't really know what's changing it" and Kevin said "Well, we kind of do..." in a David Spade way and Neighbor agreed.  Brother disagreed again and Kevin said "Well, in fact, she does know. Her husband is a scientist and professor." and Neighbor interjected "You don't have to be a SCIENTIST to know!!"   I would have paid $20 to see that.  So, that was about what we expected. (see: smartest person in the room.  Also: no boundaries)

I haven't heard from anyone since and it's been a month.  My nieces bridal shower was this weekend and I couldn't go for a variety of reasons. (it's okay, she understands the situation)  I am waiting for the "You could have made an appearance..." phone call.  Her wedding is in a little over one month so I'm sure there will be conversation before then.

Oh, wait, we ran into my eldest brother, niece and her husband the weekend prior to the memorial at a car show. My brother acted like nothing had changed and Niece was a little awkward but it was fine.  Then my brother told a story about how he flipped off his supervisor in the security camera and had a negative consequence; laughing like this was a normal thing to do.  I mean...what.  He is Retirement Age.

SO THEN fast forward back to the memorial: my mom mentions in a slightly judgey tone that my brother said they saw us.  I explained that Nephew had asked us to go as a Father's Day present to him  and we went to get a break from everything.   She begrudgingly accepted that answer.

Finally, my niece came to the memorial toward the end.  I think she timed it that way on purpose, if I'm being honest.  At one point, she off-handedly mentioned that her grandma (my mom) had a big reaction about the memorial and she laughed then waved it off.  So apparently, of course, the entire family knows that I was a horrible daughter, to her.  I didn't ask her about it because she doesn't need to be in the middle of the drama.  

During this, I could hear my m-i-l in my head.  "Be nice, it's your mother."  An example of the contrast: a gentle reminder versus a yelly voicemail and forced interaction.

Chicken Soup with Rice - August

 

Three Phone Calls

 Okay, so, I foolishly thought that life was settling down.  I should really, really, know better by now.

Yesterday after a kind of busy morning, I had a lull.  No one needed anything, the phone wasn't ringing, work was quiet.  I thought that now was the time to look at my personal to-do list and see what I can knock off of it.

Three phone calls.  Simple enough.  Not really though because I've grown an adverse reaction to the phone.

Sigh.

First one: a referral was sent for a colonoscopy because I'm super overdue.  They never called to schedule so I called.  And...left a message.  Well, at least I called.

Second one: schedule a big girl haircut. It's been over a year since I've had my hair cut; I've been doing it myself.  It's time to have someone with a license to clean up everything.  The person who cuts my hair has retired and sold the business in that year.  I had left a message at a place in my hometown weeks ago with no call back so I tried another place.  Left a message.

Third one: this was supposed to be a simple "Just give us a call and we'll take care of it" kind of thing.  This was not for me but for the parents.  I called the courthouse to let them know that the parents house was sold and will be gone on Monday.  Yeah, that requires a form and a check. Before Monday.

Into the truck I go and travel to the courthouse, twenty minutes away.  And sit in traffic on the freeway.

When I finally arrived, I did the form, I debated the Why Am I Paying Taxes, only to discover that my card was at home and I couldn't pay anyway.  Meanwhile, the purchaser of the house called Kevin because the courthouse reached out to them during this.  Turns out: they had not secured a permit and the courthouse couldn't see a title transfer.  

Now I'm walking to the other side of the courthouse to determine that the transfer was completed.  Yes, it was but I don't know what the problem was. I just know it's not in the parents name anymore.

Back home and my phone rings.  The clinic to schedule the colonoscopy.  Check that off the list.

Then my father-in-law calls with questions and needs me to go to his bank.  That requires an appointment so I called to schedule that.  Left a message.

Finally, I called the courthouse to pay the bill.  Turns out the person I spoke with on the phone and the person I did the paperwork with are in two separate offices.  Of course.  However, I only paid half of the taxes so I can't care about that. 

And now it's after 5:00 pm.  Three phone calls turned into six and took at least two hours.  

AND the haircut place hasn't phoned me back.

I swear if Kevin says "It will slow down, we're almost done" one more time, I'm going to SQUARE UP.

So My Mom Called

This has been sitting in Drafts for over a month because...just...gah...I can't even.

Kevin and I had gone into town and my phone rang.  It was the same ringtone that is assigned to Kevin's Mom so we both froze then I realized it was MY MOM and I declined the call.  

While we were having a quick lunch, I noticed a voicemail.  I ignored it until I got home because I had a feeling that I wasn't going to enjoy it.

It began with a shrill, curt statement of my name.  "Your brother called and told me that M-i-L had died last week AND I knew absolutely nothing about it.  YOU DIDN'T CALL ME. NO OBITUARY IN THE PAPER.  NOTHING."  Capitalization because she is just short of yelling.

At this point, I nearly just hit delete but I didn't.

I hear a tone shift, but still stern "So that's why I didn't call you. I'm very sorry" (that she died or/and not necessarily about the not calling, I'm not sure)

THEN

"Tell the siblings and the family that I'm really sorry."  

Not sympathy to me or Kevin.  Not a how are you doing.  Still a curt, pouting tone.  She's not done:

"Your brother tells me that the funeral is on the ninth so if you will call and tell me when it is because He is going to come pick me up and we're going to go to it. So I'll talk to you later. Bye"  and a loud click.

I was furious.  Kevin was horrified.  He acknowledged that perhaps I should have phoned her but that everyone knew and everyone who cared about us HAD BEEN CHECKING IN WITH US.

I let about two hours pass so I didn't call in anger.  I thought about what I wanted to say and made sure I had something to do with my hands while I called.

I started with "I am sorry that I didn't call, we have had our hands full and we aren't calling anyone.  It was announced on facebook and word of mouth.  She didn't have an obituary in the paper because she didn't want us to spend the money. It was too expensive."  ($500 for the full version FOR ONE DAY, $300 for a heavily edited one. $100 for a link to the funeral home & memorial announcement)

For a glimmer, she checked her tone and SHE ASKED HOW MY SISTER-IN-LAW WAS DOING.  I mean....WHAT.

I told her that she just lost her mom and she's okay but not having a good time and that all of us are struggling right now. THIS HAS NOT BEEN FUN for any of us, I said.

She segues into that she's been "dealing with" her sister and my uncle being in the hospital and they're not doing well.  They are in their NINETIES, in poor health, it's way past time for them, and they're in SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA.  

And now she's teary.  

When I didn't feed that line she switched to a friend of ours who had her memorial last week at the fire department.  "I know, I couldn't go with everything going on."  She skipped over that to tell me about how nice it was to see everyone, and they had cookies, and how Rick (the husband) gets to choose which son he wants to live with.  

I am actually flipping off the phone at this point.

She asked how my f-i-l was doing and then again my s-i-l.  I said, again, fine and we're all doing the best we can.  She mentioned something about being busy and I explained that I was basically the executor and spent my time off settling everything for her estate.  And how we skipped our anniversary, the littles 17th birthday, and Kevin's birthday because they all happened about the same time.

NOT A BLIP ON HER RADAR.  Not a comment.  Not an "oh, that's right, Happy anniversary/birthday" NOTHING. No OMG, they're SEVENTEEN?  NOTHING.  N.O.T.H.I.N.G.

So I just stopped talking.  I just let her ramble and I interjected with a  yep or whatever was appropriate.

Then she asked about the funeral.  I explained that it isn't a party, it isn't a barbecue.  It's a come, say your condolences, sign the book, and off you go.  She asked if it was at our house.  (????!!!!????)  I explained no, it was next door where they lived and where she wanted it.  She asked if they needed to bring anything and I had to say again that it wasn't a PARTY.   

I could feel the anger start to swell again, with a little bit of tears. I mean...sigh....

She asks "Well, will you call your brother and tell him what time and the date?"  then she paused "Or should I?"  I told her that it's on facebook and he could look it up and AGAIN it's not a party.

Finally, I think she figured out that I was over the conversation and she said she'd let me go.  

I hung up so frustrated.  Not surprised but disappointed.  I mean, who calls their kid in this situation and yells at them?  Yells at them via voicemail?  Then makes it all about her.  MY GAWD.

I went out to tell Kevin what happened and he was next door.  I was talking to Lucy and noticed a dragonfly hovering nearby.  I just told it/her "Thanks for being a good mom", had a little weep, then went back to work on my project.  

Insta Catch Up

This is when I was learning a new photography trick. 

I did a literal happy dance when I realized it worked

Trick: turn your phone upside down, set it amongst the flowers and tilt skyward

This is the big hike from last year that I managed to get to the summit
but not around the lake.  Last month Lucy and I completed the entire
hike and we both agreed it was fun but we don't have to do it again

In Over My Depth

 It's hot again here and I'm not a fan...no pun intended.  I spent the day alternating between inside and outside doing little chores and projects.  

The older I become, the more difficult I've found it to feed us.  I do not enjoy cooking, don't really care about food, and Kevin can only taste like three things so he eats to live, not to enjoy.

I asked Kevin what he wanted to do for dinner. The options being I would go pick up or make something, but I wasn't interested in going inside a restaurant to eat. (my peopling limit has been met for a long time)  He said he didn't care so I went to shower.

Then something popped in my head.  A meal I have never made On Principle.  It's not something I would enjoy and it's unhealthy a.f.  I wondered if I had the ingredients and browsed the pantry and fridge in my head.  "Well" I started to think "If I don't have it, Mom will..."  Yeah. Eff off, grief.

Turns out I did have the ingredients by some magical accident.  Sigh.

Kevin was non-committal when I mentioned I could make this abomination, to my surprise.  I think it was one of those things it was more fun to tease about than to actually do.

I explained that I even googled to make sure I had the right ingredients, to which he was loudly incredulous.  "It's CHILI, HOT DOGS, and BUNS" he exclaimed.  "...And cheese..." I added  "I googled it." 

He was actually walking down the hallway and he stopped, turned and said "I don't want to hurt your feelings but I think you might be a little out of your depth here."  Made me laugh, he's not wrong.

I told him that I only had hamburger buns and he replied "You can't ask Mom anymore" which was funny because I had that thought too.  Then I realized and said "You know, never in all of my years did making this pop into my head. Then randomly, today it does.  Your mom is in my head."

Sidenote: Because his parent ate like unchaperoned sixth graders.  They would make this more often than I care to think about.

Then I explained that it would mean the oven would need to be used because we don't have a barbecue.  The reason I mentioned it is because it's so hot outside and the a.c. would have to work a little harder.

"Okay.  Oh and make sure you slice the hot dogs in half..."

Wut.

"Umm, I did not know that?  That's a good tip."

"Again I say, out of your depth" and he walks away laughing.

So, it was as easy as one would assume.  I stand by my past 33 years of Never Making It and have now reset the clock for another 33 years of Never Making It Again.

That meal is a crime against humanity.  

It Could Be Worse, I Guess

 Okay, so quick poll: How many times have you cried this week? 

Not the question you were expecting probably.

This week was supposed to be our Get Back to Normal week.  Instead, I was in the dark twisty place on Monday, recovered on Tuesday, then Wednesday happened. And Thursday.  I am not an emotional person.  I'm most likely to be described as even-keeled.  This whole feelings thing is a no from me, dawg.

The repair of the parents house continues.  It's been five months...probably more...and it's still not finished. The amount of frustration is increasing on the daily.

The contractors were here on Tuesday to finish the house.  Tuesday evening, they discovered another water leak.  Luckily, it was under the house and caused no damage to the house. So the water is off until it is sold.

The problem being is the cleaners were scheduled to be there and...no water.  They rescheduled and we stretched two garden hoses from each house so they could work.  It took them all day to get the house cleaned. And really, I could go back through and do some detail work. But that's not my point.

The cleaners mentioned that there was still stuff in the medicine cabinet.  In all the turmoil, I missed that there was a cabinet behind the bathroom mirror.  Then she mentioned that the drawers in the bedroom still had clothes in them.  I had just checked the night before so now I'm surprised and frustrated and sad.  Literally thought "Would you just stop messing with me, mom?"

So, they left and I grabbed a box to gather up everything.  I had just mentioned to Kevin that each time I leave that house I think to myself "This will be the last time..." and he was surprised at my naivety.  It's just that every time we think we're done, there is something that makes us go back.

Anyway, I went into the house and thought this will be quick, no worries.  Well, worries. 

The people who did the initial demo thought it was a good idea to put the refrigerator in front of glass cabinets where there were photos and glassware VISIBLE because GLASS CABINET.  So that was first, emptying out that after waiting five months to do so.  There wasn't anything amazing in there, really.  Just glassware and photos of family members.  I again got to play the "Valuable or Second Hand?" game, followed by the "Who Wants This?" lightning round.

Also, there were a few random items on the counter that I swept into the box and about ten boxes of playing cards that were on the window sill.  Then I opened the medicine cabinet, just to get metaphorically punched in the nose. There are fewer more personal things than a medicine cabinet.  More pill bottles with the m-i-l's name, a jewelry box of earrings, a lotion that she used.  It was like starting all over with closing the house.  I persevered though and put it all in the box.

Finally there was the bedroom.  The drawers are ground level so I just sat on the ground.  Two drawers had t-shirts of hers tucked at the very back.  I scooped them out and left. Of course the shirts smell like her.  A scent that hasn't been around for months, for well before she actually passed.  I kept two and put them in a ziploc bag.  If Kevin ever gets his sense of smell back, I can offer him that. So that was...super sad. 

I have been on a purge for weeks now  and I was determined to just deal with this right away.

I put the weird stuff - remotes, key chain, etc - directly into the giveaway pile.  Then I noticed that she had an air freshener that goes into the outlet that was nicer than mine.  Also, she had just reloaded it. Which I have to acknowledge that those realizations are effing brutal.  She refilled it, not thinking she wasn't returning to that house.  I put in the common folk bathroom and forgot about it.

All the meds, etc. went into the trash and recycling. I was going to toss the pill crushers then realized we might eventually need something like that.  I tossed it into the dishwasher instead. And isn't that a fun realization to have? No, no it's not.

Last step was dumping out the box of jewelry on my desk.  Mostly it's costume jewelry but one can't assume with her.  QVC was one of her favorite pastimes. Then there was a ring.  Just a silly little novelty ring that she used to wear all time.  I hadn't realized that she stopped wearing it until just now. 

As is explained about grief is it cannot be predicted.  Now I'm a teary mess seeing a little ring that is worth whatever a gumball machine cost nowadays.

I kept going though, separating out the obvious costume jewelry from the "Probably not but who knows" into piles.  I am keeping the ring though.  I won't wear it but will probably find some use for it.

After all of that, I went into the common folk bathroom just to blow my nose and blam! the fragrance of my in-laws house punched me right in my feelings.  So then I called it a day.  

Now yesterday the contractor was supposed to come out and do a final review of the house.  I went over there and made a list then emailed it to him.  While doing that, Kevin phoned and needed me to go back over there so I walked there while he was still on the phone.

And I nearly screamed.  There stands my father-in-law, checking out the house.  Probably a little bit in his feelings but because we startled each other, it was hidden.  We laughed then he helped add to the list then returned to the house.  Then the contractor arrived and we went through the entire house again, and added to the fix-it list.  This house is never going to be finished.  

Now I'm just frustrated and feeling defeated. But wait, there's more.  Kevin had arranged for an appraiser to come look at the house so we know what to list it for, assuming it's ever going to have completed repairs.  He arrived, late, and it turns out is in his seventies and on oxygen.  He wasn't much more healthier than my m-i-l was pre-hospice.  

He walked through the house, asking questions and commenting how nice it is.  I explained that it was their dream home and they put nearly everything they had into it.  He continued to comment about how nice it was and how lucky we are to have them near.  Normally, I would be all "Yeah, try it for a little while and let me know" but now that we're NOT doing it, I just felt sad.

We walked outside and sure enough, a dragonfly appeared out in the yard but flying high enough that I could see her from the house.  Now I'm teary and trying to answer the appraisers questions.

My guess is that I was so busy during the hospice thing that it's bubbling up now.  I tried, consciously tried not to stuff the feelings down in the deep, dark space during those months so I guess it could be worse?

The Pokey Little Puppy

 Well, it's been a minute since we've had a Raising Parent story.  Other than that whole dying thing, I mean.

You might remember that last year on July 4th, my mother-in-law fell outside while taking the dog potty and ended up in the emergency department.  Because they were making good choices at that time and I just told someone that incident is the only time that I lost my cool with her.

Anyway. This year we had all stayed home for the evening because none of the dogs appreciate fireworks anymore, we're getting old, and it just wasn't the year to celebrate.  We had given Lucy an edible after going long walkies and she was crashed out on her pillow.  We were just talking about going to bed when Kevin's phone rang.  10:06 p.m.

I heard only his side of the conversation but got up when I heard "Which one?"  One of the dogs had gotten out of the yard in the middle of the "celebration" that was happening in the neighborhood.

It was my father-in-law's little dog; formerly my mother-in-law's dog.  Sassy.  She is rarely outside other than to potty and she just spent four months laying on a hospice bed.  She's ten years old, just a little younger than Lucy.  She's a twelve pound Shih Tzu and not well trained.

What had happened was my f-i-l took her outside to go potty before bed.  My siblings-in-law suggested to put her leash on her and reminded him that the gate was open.  He did the passive-agreement thing and said "Okay" like he heard/understood them, when he did not.

They went outside, she went potty then she got startled and took off as if her tail was on fire.  My f-i-l quickly lost sight of her.  We live in the woods, it was dark, and the siblings house is in kind of a ravine, for lack of a better description.  She headed up toward the gravel road and trees, as near as he could guess.

He tried to follow her but he's 85 years old and it's dark.  He returned to the house, told the siblings, who called Kevin, and we all went out to look.  As I was putting on shoes, I texted the neighborhood text chain to let them know.  By the time I settled Lucy back down and went outside, they were all helping search for her.  #goodneighbors

We called for her and walked the properties, which spans about about eight acres.  It includes a creek, heavily wooded places and a dead-end gravel road.  As one would imagine, no luck.  We couldn't crawl through the woods in the daylight, let alone at 11:00 at night.  Also, we don't know if she went straight up the mountain behind us?  Down to the main road?  Circled around and got lost on the property?  The possibilities were endless.

I searched "How to find a lost dog" which were suggestions opposite of what one would think:  Don't call them because they're already scared and overwhelmed.  After a cursory search in all possible areas, go home because they might be there.  Leave something that smells like their humans and food outside to catch their attention.

This is an example of where social media can be powerful.  I posted on the neighborhood site, social media, emailed the humane society, and used something called "PawBoost" which made the whole posting SO EASY.  By the time we went to bed, the cousins, neighbors, and friends had reposted it everywhere.

Even though we knew it was futile. I mean, a twelve-pound dog in the woods would just be a tasty snack for predators. The other possibility being because she gets zero exercise and all the food, it could be that some time during her fleeing, her heart would give out.  So, yeah, we had given up on her.

The next day I worked a little while then the texts began.  Suggestions to open the parents old house so she could go inside, check the neighboring county's humane society, call the emergency clinic and nearby vets.  

Now it's become my full-time job to find the dog while I watch my forlorn f-i-l walk our road back and forth.  I went to both humane societies with no luck AND I didn't bring any dogs extra home.  Finally, I had done all that I could and more.  I told Kevin that it was over, there wasn't anything we can do.  

No sooner than we had that conversation and Kevin phones me back.  "Someone is bringing Sassy home" he says with no preamble or even my ability to say "hello".  

"GET THE EFF OUT OF HERE. THEY ARE NOT."  I yell at him.

He said that the f-i-l had gotten a call from a guy who was on a road that isn't really near here and that he asked "Do you have a dog named Sassy?"  Then he said that he had the dog and he would bring her to him.  

We were puzzled because the road that was stated isn't realistic.  And is there such a thing as "I'm returning your pet" scams?  We just don't know.

I told Kevin that I was walking down to the siblings to see With My Own Eyes before I believed it.  I mean, if it weren't a scam then surely, it would be a different dog.  No WAY did that little dog survive just under 24 hours in the wild.

By the time I got down to the house, there is Sassy panting and happy.  I admit that I picked her up and snuggled her because my gawd it's been so much lately.

So what had happened was is we don't know where the f-i-l got the name of the road he was supposedly on and we'll never know.  The gentleman was actually northwest of us, the complete opposite of that road.  He said he was working in his shop, Sassy walked in and flopped down on the concrete like "I live here now" then his wife came up and asked "What is THIS?"  

The guy was probably late sixties, maybe early seventies, and he said he had to ask his neighbor for help as to what to do.  They called the number on her tag and reached the vet office, who then provided the f-i-l's number.  

Here's the thing with THAT.  My sister-in-law and I panicked that the mother's number was on the tag and that no one would be able to reach us.  She had phoned the vet very first thing that morning to update the contact information.  If not for that, Sassy would have gone to the Humane Society to be scanned and held.

So, all is happy in Whoville now.  Sassy is a NERVOUS BUNDLE of NERVOUSNESS now so they're keeping her medicated and hoping that it subsides.  The f-i-l is unspeakably relieved and promises to never not have her on a leash.  

At one point, Kevin mentioned "If this goes bad, like we think it will, we might be planning another event"  We don't think that the f-i-l would have survived losing his wife and dog in the same month.  Let alone losing the dog because he wasn't paying attention.

Here is an estimate of where she traveled:

Those trees are dense woods

And here is the flyer that the website helped created:

Absolutely recommend using this app/site!!!

And now here's the one funny thing about this:  In my hurry, worry, and rush at 11:30 pm during fireworks, I posted the wrong dog's photo.  The dog in the flyer is actually Sassy's sibling, my aunts dog.  All of that and I used the wrong photo.

Here is the actual Sassy:

Barking, probably

It's Only the Sixth

 It's Thursday afternoon here in the lovely PNW, where it feels like the temperature of the sun outside.  We mossy and algae based human life forms are mostly not enjoying this.

So, of course, we're trying to grow grass right now. On Mars.

I was just outside watering for the eleventieth time and thinking about how tired my brain is.  Not so much my body, but the jello bits inside of my skull are all "Nap, please".

What's been going on? you might be thinking.  I'm not even sure where to start.

The reason for the growing grass is because we had a septic system service and inspection go a little sideways last week.  This caused the middle of the yard to be dug up, to the depth of four feet in some places.  

Then there was the holiday where the father's dog took off at 10:00 pm and wasn't to be found.  That will be it's own post because it's EPIC.  That word is overused these days but trust me.

Then the morning of the fifth, I had to go into my old office for a planning meeting.  I was CERTAIN they were going to demand a return to office; especially spotting a newly formed cubicle upon entering the office.  I am Beyond Relieved to say that I will most likely be Work From Home for the duration.  Whew.

Then, I had to go get a blood draw, the second in seven days.  Not to worry, there was just a weird reading that we can assuredly chalk up to *waving of hands* Everything That is Going On Right Now.  And it's totally fine but I am a hard stick so they had to take it from my hand but not before bruising both of my arms (one arm the first time, other arm the second time)

Oh, and that also included meeting a new doctor.  Because why not.

I'm still in the middle of the Great ReOrganization of 2023.  I am in the If You Give A Mouse A Cookie stage of this project where one task creates at least one other task.

THEN it occurred to me that "Hey, it's Thursday afternoon.  Mom's memorial is Sunday." and then the panicked realization that I hadn't created a program yet.  Let alone have it printed.  Thank all the gods that I have graphic design skills and a general idea of what I wanted.  I'm now waiting for the proof so I can approve it and pick them up tomorrow.

I still have to order prints of photos of her for the display.  In my alphabet brain way, I keep telling myself "Oh, that will be easy to do. No worries"  Well, we're at the WORRIES part.  So, of course, I'm sitting here telling all y'all about it instead of doing it.

Oh, and back to my work meeting.  My summer was just shortened as Start Up - prep for the new school year - begins oh....on the eleventh.  SUPER.

And I need a big girl haircut but now I don't have time before the memorial.  I have reached the Choosing My Battles portion of this month.  And it's only the sixth.

Happy Independence Day

 

“May we think of freedom, not as the right to do as we please,

but as the opportunity to do what is right.” — Peter Marshall

Three Days Worth of Filing

 This whole parent hospice process has me triggered.  Already I cannot watch the hoarders show without being prompted to clean a closet, a drawer, or the entire house.  So, of course, with closing the parents house has me cleaning out every drawer, closet, cupboard, and now my filing cabinet.  

I hate filing, a lot.  I have a really nice oak filing cabinet with wheels that lives in Monica's Closet.  I also have one huge filing drawer in my desk.  I am not without options. That is not a reason to not file. I'm fairly organized so it's not like there's piles and I'm just overwhelmed, I just hate it.  

Now let's sprinkle in that we sold two vehicles so that's a bunch of paperwork gone.  Add that everything bill-wise is paperless.  So what's piled up, if you will, is receipts, paystubs, tax stuff.  I realized that I did our last two years taxes on the fly and didn't have hard copies of the taxes and a mishmash of receipts, forms and check stubs.  I've since rectified that because my gawd, that's horrifying.

When I organized my father-in-law's bills, I bought an organizer from the shamamazon so it was just in one place that could be closed and have room for other stuff.  Then, because he is functionally illiterate (dropped out of school in the fourth grade and went to work.  DRIVING HAY TRUCK)  I had to think about how to label the organizer so it made sense to him.

I made labels but not your standard "Electricity/Cable/Phone" labels but the logo's of the companies where he has bills: the bank, the co-op, doctors, insurance.  I laminated those onto the organizer with packing tape and tah dah.

Sidenote: I googled for Senior bill organizer and had little luck.  Mostly, the difference was the print was slightly larger on the labels.  Sigh.

Okay, so back to this project.  I had to break it down into many pieces because otherwise, I was just going to light a match and walk away.  

Speaking of burning things, we also bought a document firesafe.  After discovering that our parents had one and we did not, we bought one quickly. Because: duh. I was actually embarrassed that I hadn't done this sooner. First order was to find our legal documents, insurance and stuff to put into said document safe.  This emptied quite a bit out of the cabinet.

Second order was to cull through the files. This had been done recently so this wasn't such a big deal but like I said, we sold two vehicles and replaced one, we had bought furniture and house stuff, and just the general effluvia that happens when you're a grown-up with bills and responsibilities.

Luckily, recently we had a delivery that came in a big box.  I put it in the office, sat on the floor and played the What is This - and it's sibling: Keep or Toss - games.  I am surprised to report there was A LOT of paper going into the Toss category.  But again, the last two years have been a lot so I guess I should have not been surprised.

This took a couple tries because the alphabet brain declared the task "boring and stupid" a few times.  Kevin had to work on Saturday and I slept in a little bit.  I woke up not quite ready to begin my day but awake enough to feel like I should be doing something.  I grabbed our medical file and the dog file, took them back to bed and went through them while watching Leap Year.  100% recommend.

What I realized during this chore/responsibility/whatever was that instead of doing the files and hanging folders as I have been for millennia, I could do the same thing that I did for my f-i-l.  I returned to shamamazon and ordered two more folders. The theory is one folder could be for stuff we need to get to easily or often and one for stuff that we're keeping because we have to.

In the midst of this, I googled: what documents need to be kept forever and how long does income taxes have to be kept? 

I was surprised at how LITTLE TIME stuff has to be kept.  Taxes: 

Well, I have all of our taxes and even the taxes from before there was an "us".  I just can't...let go.  To be fair, to me, I discovered that the parents also have kept all of their tax records.  So, I'm not alone.

The rest of the advice is a little inconsistent.  Most bills are paperless now and the advice varies.  Paystubs, if you get a paper one is one year; toss after your taxes are filed.   These are mostly paperless now though too but Kevin likes have a paper copy. Mine are online.

So, what did I keep?  Health Records that are pertinent or part of our health history, vet records for Lucy when she had cancer, house stuff, retirement/taxes, manuals and warranties that frankly could be tossed because everything is on the interwebs now.  And, if I were realistic, all of this could also be scanned into the interwebs or on USB.  It's rare that a hard copy of any of these items are necessary.

AND after all of that...it turns out that one organizer is probably enough.  Of course.  It's okay though because I'm certain I will change this system at least once. 

Now I have a filing cabinet that I only need one drawer and the big drawer in my desk could be empty. (it has the long abandoned photography wall project stuff in it right now)  Also, I had bought a plastic set of three drawers to help keep the parents documents separate from ours plus the rest of her photos, and now I am not needing it either.  I guess Too Much Storage is better than not.

All in all, it's taken about three days just to get this far and I'm still not satisfied.  I am just going to walk away from it and mull over my options.  Again.

The biggest win is less paper.  Oh, and a document safe.  I suppose also: just the over-all organization.

Next step is to put it all together, for reals and to recycle all the old folders and paper.  Then it's the annual Monica's Closet Excavation.

Chicken Soup with Rice - July

 

Breathe

Bedtime Stories

Unpublished Post because...reasons.

I am usually a night owl. With everything going on, I've found that I fall asleep fairly easily now.  Before that though, I would be up until all hours or sleep for a few hours then be awake in the early hours.  Neither are recommended.  

Sleep aids, like Tylenol worked a little too well, leaving me hungover and there's a correlation between Tylenol and depression so: no.   I tried melatonin and had CRAZY dreams so: EXTRA No.  I have turned the television on, left it off, I've played a word puzzle game on my phone (which surprisingly works well except for the bright glowing rectangle in my face)  I've gotten up and done chores or snuck outside to take photos of the stars.  I've tried many things.

One of the tricks I've stumbled onto with not sleeping through the night, not being able to fall asleep, etc. is podcasts.  I can put earbuds in, set one playing, and next thing I know it's morning.  

Yes, the earbuds probably aren't my best idea. But really, who would be surprised that I died from choking on my own earbuds?  No one, that's who.  Since I've started writing this post - months ago - I have wireless earbuds now. AND they don't work as well as the wired ones.  Go figure.  But the chance is lessened - not eliminated - that I will be killed by earbuds.

It started accidentally when I decided that I wanted to listen to the West Wing Weekly podcast again.  By doing that, I discovered that I fell asleep and slept through the night.  Because I've heard them before, it's not a big deal that I fall asleep and have to begin again or I can just keep going to the next one.

Then I looked into apps, etc. for sleeping apps but couldn't find one that I liked.  They're a little too woowoopeacelovebeads for me.  I found myself annoyed instead of asleep.  Meditation is a challenge for the alphabet brain and when I'm already frustrated that I can't sleep or have woken up, learning a new skill in the middle of the night is probably not my best choice.

Finally, I found Nothing Much Happens.  It's little 30-minute stories that are exactly as the title states.  It's just soothing enough to relax and not interesting enough to become engaged in the story.  Highly recommend.

I have a pretty good list of podcasts that I listen to when my brain allows it. However, not all podcasts are good for middle-of-the-night listening.  I tried listening to one of my favorites - Ross Mathews - but it was too loud, too busy, and my brain stayed awake.

Two of my favorites are Alan Cummings Shelves and David Tennant Has a Podcast.  Not only are the podcasts enjoyable, they're both just so pleasant to listen to.  Neither of them are making new ones so that is disappointing.    Amy Farrah Fowler - also known as Mayim Balik lol - has an interesting one as well. The topics are deep though so sometimes I have to switch.

Then on the tickytock app, someone mentioned the netflixapp.  But that's television, you just thought. Yes, it is.  The trick is to chose something you've seen many times, like Friends or in case of the example she gave: Grey's Anatomy.

I tried it and it works so well.  No commercials like in podcasts.  I put the phone on wifi so it doesn't eat my data plan, turn the phone facedown so it doesn't light up the room, and go to sleep.  It doesn't matter if I wake up in a little while because a quick listen and I know exactly what's happening. Because I've seen it tens of times, at least.

Audio books also work well in some cases. The downfall is falling asleep and it keeps playing.  The fix is to set the timer, which I never remember to do.  Also, if the story is compelling then it's a fail.  My favorites have been autobiographies because they contain separate chapters/topics.  My all-time favorite is Bono - Surrender.  Stories mixed with a little bit of U2 music.  Dave Grohl - The Storyteller is also really good.

The one that really knocked me out was Mythos - Greek myths as told by Stephen Frye.  It's so interesting but his voice kind of lulls one into slumber.  He has a series of them and I fear that I'm Sisyphus in completing listening to all.

I know the internet has all kinds of "cures" for insomnia and sleep issues but I feel like there is no one Great Fix and different things will work for different people or combinations thereof.  I tend to stay away from pharmaceuticals and I know I'm the odd one out with that.  

I have a brand new doctor and she suggests a humidifier and essential oils so I ordered one from the shmamazon and it will be here tomorrow. She said to give it a week before calling it a loss or a win for helping with breathing, (thus also for sleep).  In the meanwhile, she suggested setting up a punch bowl sized bowl of water near the bed to create a makeshift humidifier.  (She said this is also good for when it's super hot out, btw)

Maybe this will be helpful to someone or maybe I just gave you something to think about when you're not sleeping.

Weekend Update

 Hey, hi, I'm the problem it's me.  

Today was the first day in a month where I felt normal again.  It's been four weeks since my mother-in-law passed.  In some ways, it still feels surreal.  Like my phone is going to ring and she's going to need help with her tablet.  Or my father-in-law will bring us dinner that she made.

Alas, that is not happening.

Two weeks...three now...Kevin and I both got sick.  He brought home a cold from work and was sick first then uncharacteristically, I got it too. My immune system is usually bullet-proof.  Then that triggered the asthma and bronchitis and I spent days on the couch, coughing and looking pitifully at Kevin.

If you're wondering, yes I did test for Covid and negative.  Whew.  Because I thought of that: Wouldn't that just be the thing.  After three years of the pandemic and trying to keep the parents alive, just to get it now.  Luckily though, no.

Then sprinkle in with some good measure, grief and its bestie: depression.  I mean, I should have saw it coming and I didn't. What a rookie. This is usually how it plays out but here we are.  It feels like today the veil has lifted so moving on.

I thought work was going to slow down and it will for another week then it starts back up again.  While I still have my four-day workweek during the summer, they are beginning enrollment early this school year.  Sigh.  Also, I have a Big Meeting on the fifth and I'm curious and anxious about that.  It's contract time and I haven't discussed the work from home thing beyond my Letter of Intent.

Kevin is at his busiest time right now too so he's been working some Saturdays and coming home later.  I was thinking about how to spend the extra cash when we were notified by the County to have our septic system inspected and probably serviced.  That will be $500, please.  To be fair, I took a class so I can do the inspection myself (*retch*) but it's time to have someone professional do it.  So instead of pouting that we can't do something fun with the extra cash, I am going to be relieved that this won't be a financial burden.  Unless something goes wrong, in which I am moving. (kidding/not kidding)

With that, I had an old friend reach out randomly the other day and we're going to get together. No, really, we are.  So that's something to look forward too.  Kevin and I are going to spend time with our friends tomorrow night acting like high schoolers (going cruising!)   My "summer break" starts on Wednesday until the Big Meeting Day.  The summer has finally arrived and it's time to be outside all day every day.  Well, goals.  Not all day.  

So, I hope this finds everyone enjoying the summer, ignoring the absolutely batsh*t crazy news that has been happening, and doing at least one fun thing a day.  

Juneteenth

 

If you google "Juneteenth" a fun little graphic happens.  And maybe learn something a little new today.

I learned that Texas was the first state to make it an official holiday, which feels counterintuitive these days.

Also, the Washington Post has this article this morning (not behind a paywall) that I saw on the tweety and found interesting as well. Statue of Liberty was created in honor of the freedom of slaves, not for our welcoming of immigrants.  It's been a minute since I took US History but I'm not sure I learned that then.

Happy Father's Day

Little Memories Everywhere

 It's been two weeks and one day, almost to the minute as I write this, since my mother-in-law died.  Life is slowly returning to normal and everyone is making adjustments, as needed.  

Kevin phoned me the other morning and I didn't really think about it.  Then he mentioned that he used to call his mom this time every morning and he was just missing her.   I miss her when I'm working in the garden, mostly.  The other times is when there is something Christmas on the television because she loved Christmas so much.  

Anyway, this morning I was thinking of her and started to notice the things that I kept of hers.  They aren't wealthy, never were, so it was always the little things she had that meant so much to her.  She'd keep things with such childlike wonder that eventually you loved it too.

She rarely bought anything new for herself.  As I was packing up their house, it kept making me laugh. I would have to assess if something was valuable or a keepsake or second-hand.  Invariably, I would turn whatever it was over to find a goodwill sticker on it.  Valuable to her, just not to the rest of the world.

Also, she did a great job of giving us stuff toward the end of her life so that we knew the importance of it.  I wear her original wedding ring and her "mother's ring" (with her kids, grandchildren and first great-grandchild's birthstones)  I have her childhood jewelry box and some of her china and glassware. With retrospect, she saw this coming and planned to best her ability.

But it's the little things that I kept for myself as I closed the house that mean more to me.  For example, two oven mitts and two kitchen towels because it makes me think she's helping in the kitchen.  

I found these two items in her cupboards: a green glass measuring cup that has Kelloggs embossed on it.  I did a quick search and holy wow, it's valuable.  It's uranium glass from the 1950's.  

The brown jar is probably not valuable but it is pretty

Both items used for hummingbird feeding, which would please her so

She gave to Kevin this dashing gentleman while we were closing the house.  She had a box in the closet that was labelled "Mom's things" and it turned out to be figurines of her mothers. Kevin has wanted a dachshund for forever and this will have to do until we retire. One of the first ones was a boxer dog that we immediately gave to my s-i-l.  It was strange how she had two figurines of dogs we both have/wanted.  

This was something she had recently bought and made me happy when I noticed it.  A Pride candle.

Then I would find little whimsical things like these in her plants:

She had this little dish to hold her earrings and rings, even though it had a plate hanger on it:

Then there was this.  It was in her bedroom and on her side of the bed.  It is not at all my taste but for some reason I felt compelled to keep it.  It sat in the mud room for about a week before I walked with it throughout the house until I found a place for it.  It's large and as we know, I have lots of artwork and photographs on my walls.  Real estate is rare for blank walls.  Finally, in the last room, I found a place for it.  Unfortunately or fortunately, it's above the toilet in the main bath:

18x20", gilt frame with red inlay

Returning back to when we have moments of sad and we miss her, I can look around the house and find her in the little things.  We are ignoring that Kevin can be reminded of her while he's peeing.

Somewhere I just heard her "Oh, Surely!" and I'm, again, grounded.

Chicken Soup with Rice - June

 

Hallucinations, Dragonflies, and A Snazzy New Home

As you’ve probably guessed, my mother-in-law passed after fighting it tooth and nail for four months.  I have the whole story written but I just can’t click “publish” just yet.  Eventually, maybe I will and maybe I won’t.  Time will tell. I mean that was probably the worst thing ever. I mean, of course, obviously but I've had plenty of Worst Things and that shoved them all out of the way to reach the top.

So, here are some of the more light things that happened in the last week; because I try to find humor even in the dark.

Clause: I am not religious, I’m not even really spiritual anymore.  Some of this may challenge that statement about me, for you, dear readers. J

The last week or two the nurse put my m-i-l on methadone to ease her "existential pain" and it helped.  It also gave her hallucinations, or so we thought because they seemed to continue after the meds changed to a different narcotic.  Also, the nurse would not prescribe it for us, even though we asked nicely.

We got a baby monitor for S-i-l to use during the night. One night, she said that mom kept flailing and fussing all night.  When asked, mom said she was "fighting off intruders. I grabbed them. I was brave."  

At the end, the hallucinations were mostly spirits, we think. Friendly, other than those first intruders.  Once, she mentioned that the room was crowded, with all the people waiting.  S-i-l told her that it was probably her family and that she could go with them.  She also kept hearing and seeing dogs, also probably spirits as she’s had dogs her whole life.  One evening, she asked S-i-l where the couple in the doorway were going to sleep and S-i-l told her that they could sleep in the living room.  She said "Okay, that's good".   S-i-l took all of that like a champ.  I mean, it had to be weird having all these guests in her house.

But me, oh man. I was fine with the spirits and THEN, the S-i-l called me.  I have to mention that s-i-l didn't call during this adventure, always text. So when the phone rang, I was already on high alert.

She said mom saw "a little girl with blonde hair, in the hallway. She was wearing a brown coat and waved and smiled at me."

............................Then mom said "It was Surely's daughter."

umm..........omg.............

Okay, so I miscarried twice with satan.  I decided then that they were Peter and Rachel.  Then I miscarried twice with Kevin and they were Wesley and Wyatt.  THEN, the very last period ever was like a miscarriage.  My doctor was non-committal and said "Could be. Did you take a pregnancy test?" to which I replied "Didn't occur to me. Because: no point."

Like a month or two ago, when we were doing the headstone/cemetery stuff I had decided to name that maybe-baby Wyla. Wesley, Wyatt, and Wyla.

AND THEN MOM SAW HER.

and....drink...everyone drink.

(also: still sober.  Didn’t think that was going to happen so, yea me.)

 While we were waiting for her to pass the night before it happened, I kept smelling cigarette smoke.  I smelled it twice before I mentioned it to S-i-l, who didn't smell it.  No one in the house smokes and the room we were in was at the back of the house down by the creek.  (not accessible to people nor was the window open)  Then we realized it was the sisters; three of the four sisters smoked heavily.  So then I said aloud "Thomas Sisters, if that's you, please take her. She's ready, we're ready." and S-i-l laughed.  If mom was aware at all, I am so grounded when I get to wherever I’m going.

Then the next morning, Kevin asked about it and I didn't smell it again.  When I said no, he said "They probably got TIRED OF WAITING, MOM."  Lol.

During the last hours, S-i-l and I were talking about final stuff and I wondered what she would appear as, to us.  "Because you refused to talk about it so we have to GUESS."  I said to mom. (again: so totally grounded) 

S-i-l guessed a bird or a flower and I guessed a butterfly or a flower.  After she passed and everyone settled down, when I went upstairs, a dragonfly flew across my path.  I thought about her and dragonflies are not common here and shrugged with a "maybe" thought. Dragonflies are not never seen but not common either. Then there was another/same one once I reached our rock garden at our house. 

I mentioned it to S-i-l and she said that mom liked dragonflies.  Then we saw one when the funeral home arrived.  So that was a little hmmmmm.  S-i-l and I have both seen a big yellow butterfly, a little more commonly seen here but it's really big.  Maybe the butterfly is her.  Maybe it’s the dragonfly. Maybe it’s neither and I'm a little crazy, as Kevin has mentioned.  (but I bet he notices dragonflies now)

I have to mention that I did get stung by a bee the next day, randomly.  I laughed and said “Okay, mom. That’s for being sassy while you were dying. I understand.”

On Tuesday, I had to go sign paperwork and choose an urn.  The parents had paid for everything in advance but hadn't chosen an urn because they were going to be scattered here at home.  Then we found they had a burial spot at the cemetery AND we didn't want to sprinkle them here.  

S-i-l came with me to help.  We did the paperwork and talked with the director.  She was super chatty, almost too much chatty.  My age and not at all what you pictured.  Imagine, former cheerleader whose life didn’t turn out as she planned. 

After we signed everything, she said "Okay, let's choose an urn.  There are a few there, gesturing to a case behind us in her office, but most of them are upstairs."

The case was a three-sided china cupboard and had four - six urns of varying sizes, etc.  I was asking what size urn mom would need when I noticed THE ONE.  We continued to talk and I kept looking at it.  I told S-i-l "That's the one" and she asked which because where she was standing, she couldn't see it.  She stepped to the side and said "Oh, yeah, that's it."

The funeral director was a little taken aback. She didn't say "seriously?" but the tone of her words and demeanor meant SERIOUSLY?  She suggested that we should still go upstairs to make sure there wasn't something else we wanted. 

We trod up steep stairs in this 100+ year old funeral home with bright kelly-green carpet and creepy funeral home music playing.  The entire upstairs was displays of urns, caskets, jewelry and other ways of displaying or storing your loved ones. 

We looked at the urns and there were two that we liked. One was a cardboard box that is used for transportation/sprinkling.  Like a talcum powder box only BIG.  S-i-l liked the one with hummingbirds and I told her that I would agree with whatever she wanted; as she knew mom best.  (even though I didn't like it and Kevin would have hated it)   The cardboard one was SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS and  I was offended.

The other urn was ceramic and had a lighthouse on it and S-i-l thought mom would really like it.  We asked and it was just under $300.  I had already looked and knew the approximate cost could be, but S-i-l was shocked.

Sidenote: some of them look like kitchen canisters and I now understand how Grandma ends up at Goodwill occasionally.

Then S-i-l thought about it and said she really felt like the other one was The One, depending on the cost.  I wondered if it was more expensive as it was On Display Downstairs.  The funeral director said she would go look but that "It has been there a while so the price listed on it might not be the price" which – to me - meant a gentle way of saying it was expensive. I had decided we would get it, unless it was just outrageously priced. 

A few minutes later, she came back upstairs with it and said "I checked and because it's been here a while, it's...ah....less.  It's....$100"

I literally laughed out loud.  "It's ON SALE!  It's gaudy! It's PERFECT!  SOLD!"  I could feel mom being happy that we chose this one and that we weren't spending a lot of money on it.  She loved a good deal.

She was incredulous, she asked at least once if we were sure.  S-i-l kept saying it was perfect and asked me to take a photo of it.  We set it on the table and I did, teaching the funeral director a trick about photography at the same time.

I sent the photo to Kevin and he replied "It is MOM"   Later I realized that the thing I like about it is that we're going to smile or laugh when we see it because it's just so MUCH.

I told the funeral director that when we left, she could go tell her coworkers "You won't believe it, someone actually bought that ugly urn" 

And here, in all it’s gaudy gloriousness is Mom’s new place:

 

 It's been a week now, well a week and almost a day.  We're mostly fine, with a little sad moments sprinkled in.  This morning I realized that the sense of urgency that we've lived with for four months is gone and it feels odd, empty.  We were so busy keeping dad alive and keeping mom comfortable and now...nothing.  After many, many years of taking care of the parents, I'm feeling adrift.  

So, I'm going to go work in my garden and watch for dragonflies.

Happy Pride Month

 The older I get, the more I appreciate PRIDE.  I grew up during the AIDS epidemic and when being gay was ignored or shamed or worse.  To see how far the world has come is incredible.  

I know it feels like our country is on fire but I have to believe good people will prevail.

We have LGBTQ+ family and friends whom we love and are proud of.  We are allies.  We are safe.

Happy Pride!

83 years and 30 Days

 

On Friday afternoon, Mom joined her siblings and parents in heaven.  She passed quietly and with her family and little dog, Bella, nearby; after fighting many medical challenges throughout her life.  She would like everyone to remember her as strong and tough.

She leaves behind her loving and devoted husband, her two sons, their wives; her granddaughter and their child, Grandson and wife and their children; and her niece who was like a daughter to her. 

 She also leaves behind her best friend, Pam and siblings-in-law, and many, many nieces and nephews - almost too many to count but all beloved by her.  She was predeceased by her parents, a newborn son, two nieces, and many siblings-in-law and their spouses.  

She was born in Lynden WA and grew up in Whatcom County and Bellingham with her five siblings; all of whom have passed before her.   She attended Whatcom County and Bellingham Schools then          happily left education behind to marry the love of her life.

She married on December 21st 1957 at the Knox Community Church. They celebrated their 65th wedding anniversary in December, quietly with visits and calls from family and friends.

She held two jobs during her lifetime.  The first working building campers with her brother as her boss.  She took the job to save up to get brand new bikes for her boys, who were young at the time.  She was doing “a man’s job” and she loved it.  She also worked with her daughter-in-law, at a plant nursery, working with seedlings. She loved working, made friends, and saved enough to buy the men in her life heirloom gold chains and was able make many Christmases giant celebrations. 

While she did work occasionally, her full-time job was taking care of her boys, grandchildren, nieces and nephews, and any other child that happened along her house; it really didn’t matter if you were a child or grown.  She was the epitome of what a mom should be and you will be hard-pressed to find a better mom.

She will be terribly missed and we know that she will be working in her garden with her family, happy and free.

A memorial gathering will be held at a later date. Simply plant flowers in her memory.  She says they are all her favorites, for all different reasons.

Our deepest thanks go to Hospice of the Northwest. They made the end of her journey so much easier and personal; allowing her to pass at home with her family as she wished.  

*personal info redacted.  I did list everyone's names; even all seven of the great grandchildren. :)