Oh, I still have a draft of stories from the parents. It encompasses about the last two weeks and you know, I don't know what I'd write about if they weren't here.
This one, though, this one is just...I can't. The ever so lovely Swistle has been along for this ride and declared it the best thing ever, so here we go.
You know what's super fun? Like, with a dash of omg? Talking about and Shopping For bras for your elderly mother-in-law. YEAH.
Unbeknownst to me, she's been shopping for bras and can't find anything that fits. I had taken two packages back to Amazon returns but didn't quite realize what was in there.
This is a two-parter: I want to snick my loving husband between the eyes for letting his mother know how easy Amazon returns are. Secondly, if I hear "I didn't put that in my cart/buy that." one more time, I'm going to need alcohol.
The issue is she keeps buying sports bras and being frustrated that she can't get them on. Deep, from my core Sighing. You are so very welcome for that visual. If it's in my head, it has to be in yours. That's the rules, I don't make them.
After a uncomfortable conversation with my m-i-l, IN FRONT OF MY FATHER-IN-LAW, I came up with a plan. But first: the deets. Not the...lol. I'm so very tired.
She can't do behind the back closures. Fair enough.
She can't do hook and eye in the front. Okay.
She needs a different size because she's aged and things have...shifted.
None of the "easy pull-on" bras fit, no matter what size she orders.
After internally screaming and deep breathing fortification (thank you, meditation) I offered that those were Sports Bras and not meant to be easy to get on. That, in fact, the very opposite because, you know, SPORTS BRAS.
I was met with immediate resistance. Wooboy, I didn't understand. They said easy to put on. Well, then, if they SAID it was easy then what do I know. I suggested that she could try again but maybe have some assistance "from someone else who lives here" while not making eye contact with my f-i-l. "Because they're BY DESIGN tight and notorious for being difficult to put on." Nope, I was wrong. She just needed a bigger size. She has already tried...wait for it...a 4X and it was "too small." Yeah.
Sidebar: I am curvy. I am beyond curvy. After birth control and a few IVF treatments, my chest grew from an already big size for my frame to a bigger size. I AM AWARE OF THE STRUGGLE. I wanted to say "LOOK at me, do you not think I know about these things?" but again: my f-i-l is sitting right there. KILL ME WITH A ROCK. This is not a conversation I want to have with anyone, LET ALONE my m-i-l.
Finally, we agreed that I would look for her and to please, for the love of dog, stop buying bras.
I finally did research and there are snap-front bras for elderly women. WHO KNEW? I didn't. (and yes, I will file this back for future use) I ordered them from the amazon so returns were easy FOR ME. One was utilitarian and one was really pretty. Of course the utilitarian one was the first to arrive and my bet to be the one that fit. Because ugly always fits better than pretty with these kinds of things.
No word from the m-i-l after two days. I thought maybe I had won. I even asked Kevin "I know she'd probably not tell you, but do you know if those bras fit?" He balked, rolled his eyes and said no, I don't need to know about that. Fair enough, except I DO.
A little bit ago, I walked over there to check with her. My nephew happened to be here and went to say goodbye to her. "What are you doing?" he asks. "Asking your nana a question you don't want to know." He's like me and just replied "Okay, then."
And no, the bra is still too small. "My boobs kept falling out" WITH HAND GESTURES.
I said: if it's in my head, it gets to be in yours.
But she wants to keep it because it kind of works and it's so nice to have a bra again. Ummm, what? How long has this been? what have you been doing? are all questions that went unanswered because I can't take anymore vivid imagery.
She went on to explain that she measured herself, or tried to, and she was a 44. This seems unlikely but I'm not a good judge of this kind of thing. I know I'm not that big and I don't think she's bigger than me at all. So then I asked her where she was measuring, words that I never want to ask again. She said "Around my front."
That noise you hear is my head banging on the desk.
I tried again: Did you measure around your torso or the...." I'm trying to phrase this in a way that is not going to give me nightmares "...did you measure around the Thickest Part of You." I am not discussing anatomy placement with my m-i-l. She indicated that she did her thickest part, then offered that her hip size was about the same measurement. WUT? I started to ask for clarification, stopped myself just in time, and continued on. I don't want nor need to know why she measured her hip size.
"Okay, so here's the plan. Do not order any more. The next one will arrive tomorrow and we'll see if it fits. If it does, we'll order more of those. If it doesn't, we'll try a bigger size. Do NOT order anything else."
She agreed. But I know I'm going to have to go look at her Amazon account to make sure that she didn't. Even though she'll say she didn't.
AND THEN, I talked to my sister-in-law to make sure that she hadn't already ordered something or had a plan. She hadn't - because of course, what was I thinking - but she did express displeasure with the whole topic. Stand in line, sister.
Here are the links for those of you who might have this conversation in the future. I would have paid good money to not have this conversation. So, let my discomfort be your guide: