While the case worker was doing the intake for Hospice, she asked my mother-in-law how many children she had. She thought about it and answered "two". Perfectly acceptable answer, except I know there was another baby prior to these boys. So, I waited, wondering.
I could see she was thinking/processing then she quietly said "And a baby boy. He didn't make it. He was beautiful." (sidenote: she told me she hadn't seen the baby so I find this interesting and more on this in a minute)
So, the case worker repeated "You have two grown sons and a baby who didn't live, is that right?"
"Two babies" my mother-in-law replies. The room went QUIET.
Then our cousin, who is like a daughter to the m-i-l said "No, Auntie, you had one. Maybe you're thinking of your sisters." The m-i-l looked puzzled and then agreed that there was only one baby.
But now I have questions. Because it wouldn't be unheard of for this to happen and no one knowing about it. I know that Kevin was a high-risk pregnancy and that they both nearly didn't make it. The thought of an unknown pregnancy wouldn't be shocking.
Years ago, she told me about the first born son. He was a stillborn or imminent death baby, caused by Thalidomide exposure. She told me that only her sister was there and that she didn't see the baby or they wouldn't let her see him, she wasn't sure. She said his lower half had under-developed.
So, because I am Suzy Ask All The Questions, I asked her "Did you give him a name?"
She looked sheepish and said "Well, yes, we were going to name him after Dad." I had to fix my face and not react because she named the brother-in-law the Dead Baby's name. Yikes. (and it just occurred to me that there's a Number Three, Four, and Five also with that name)
It's my understanding that in cases like this in the olden times, if you will, it is not unusual to reuse baby names or alter them slightly. But this explained a lot about how the b-i-l turned out as a person and now I feel sad that the first baby remained unnamed.
During the big photo project years ago, I found the identification card for the baby from the cemetery. All it reads is "Baby Boy Surname" and where he is buried, which is heartbreakingly called "Babyland". I had phoned at the time to confirm he was buried there and if he had a marker and if they had any additional information. They did not and he did not have a marker so I added that to my long-term to do list.
Now back to current time, she was having a moment of clarity and we were talking about things you talk about when someone is dying. She has been wavering between denial and acceptance, depending on who she is talking to and what time of day it is. Mix in her dementia and we just never know what she's going to say or remember.
Because she's a believer and she's said multiple times that she can't wait to see her family again, I mentioned "Just think of everyone you are going to see. Your mama, your sisters, your brother..." She smiled, she liked thinking about that. She mentioned her dad, who was NOT a good person but we just smooth over that. Then we laughed because I realized we forgot Uncle Don AND his daughter (who was my age) and wouldn't they be mad. Then she kind of balled up her fist "When I see Niece, I am going to sock her." This made me laugh out loud. "Let me get this straight: You're up there, reunited with all your family and everyone is happy. Then you're going to chastise Niece and get thrown out? Is that your plan?" She kind of laughed and said "No but I really just want to.." and she shook her fists. The image of my little, sweet mother-in-law socking my cousin at the gates of her heaven will be something that will make me laugh for the rest of my life.
*sidenote: Niece wasn't known for making good choices her whole life. She had an addiction problem and while it wasn't an overdose, use was a factor in her death*
Then she mentioned the first baby. She said he was beautiful and that he had long, jet black hair like Dad. I very much wanted to ask her how she knew because she said she didn't see him. It could be that she did see him but her brain self-protected, or she was told about him, or she's seen him around - if you will. She believes in angels...and in aliens.
Later Kevin and I talked about the baby and how sad it was that he's gone unacknowledged. It really bothered Kevin that he didn't have a name, or that his brother had the baby's name, I don't think he's sure. A mixture of both, probably.
I confirmed with the cemetery that indeed he does not have a name and he does not have a marker. I let Kevin know and wondered if he would be interested in getting a marker for him. He was very much in support of getting one. But what would we put on it? "Baby Boy Surname" is just sad. But using his intended name seems sketchy, even though he didn't survive. Then we came up with the idea of changing the middle name to her maiden name, a name that works as a first name or surname.
I asked her the next day and she thought about it. She wasn't as clear-headed this time and she whispered "But...I was married when I had him." She misunderstood that it would be the middle name. I just leaned down and stage-whispered "I know, that's not scandalous, you don't have to whisper." and we laughed.
Then we put a pin in the name issue as she was fading. Now we are waiting for word from the cemetery about that whole process.
Either way, we have a Missed baby. Kevin asked if it was "weird" to feel connected to him and I told him absolutely not. It's a loss, even if it happened before his arrival. Add to it the complicated relationship he has with his brother and it makes sense to me.
Finally, did all y'all know you can get stones or markers from the shmamazon or etsy? You can! My plan is to use etsy so I know it's handmade. I can't imagine how expensive it will be through the cemetery and while this is important, we have to remember that it's still "just" a gesture.
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