24

Today finds me wistful and restless.  It always sneaks up on me and I never realize why until the day is nearly over.

Today would have been my 24th wedding anniversary had I stayed married to Michael. 

Not that I miss him in any way.  I surely do not.  In fact, I can barely remember him now.  Which is odd to me and I think that's why this day finds me wistful. It's like missing something but being unsure what or why.

When you're nineteen (I know!) you live in the now and while you think you know what the future holds or what it's like to be a grown-up, you have no idea.  I am in my forties now and I am still unsure. At nineteen, I couldn't have been more wrong.

I haven't seen Michael in twenty-two years.  He did pass me in traffic a few months ago but the only reason I knew it was him was because I have a friend that randomly mentions him.  (he lives by that friend's business) I only caught a glimpse and he didn't see me at all.

It's strange to me that someone that I had promised my eternity to is now a complete mystery to me. I can't recall the sound of his voice, the feel of his hand, or even what he really looked like.  Sure, I can cite that he had blue eyes, blonde hair, and a swimmers build (He's German) but nothing of note.

And it's a moo point as he was a guy when I last saw him and now he's a middle-aged man.  I'm sure he (nor I) look anything like he used to.  I hope that, like me, he is not the person he was then. 

But twenty-four years ago we were saying vows, posing for pictures, and celebrating with friends and family.  Now nothing of that day remains.

I don't have any of those people in my life now.  In fact, I can't think of a single one that I talk to.  Some I lost in the divorce, some to time, some by conscious decision.

It's almost like the day never happened.  Except I have the scars to prove it, hidden as they may be.  Those still remain.