Drunk Me

I have not had alcohol in any significant amount in years.  Not because it was a problem but because I could see a glimmer of a problem.

Having been raised by alcoholics, who were raised by alcoholics, drinking was just normal to me. I started at about sixteen, which is reflective of lack of parenting and just growing up redneck. Don't feel well? drink. Got good news? drink.  Got bad news? drink  Bored? drink.

I realized that there is a genetic component in me that makes a problem possible for me.  Then as I got older, I realized just how much that family history affected my life.  I didn't want to perpetuate that in any way. So after a particularly binge-y New Year's Party, I straight up quit.  I didn't make an announcement to anyone, not even Kevin. I just quit.

I didn't miss it until about a year later when we went to Vegas, where of course, everyone was drinking so it was a thing.  I really thought about it. It's Vegas, you're with your friends, what could possibly go wrong?  But because I really thought about it, I didn't.

One of the reasons that I do worry about it is because I miss it.

And it's difficult/awkward to explain.  "Oh, I don't drink" implies that there was an issue.  I don't usually enjoy melodrama and that statement has a chance of melodrama.  Most people respect it. One of my friends just looked me dead in my eye and said "I get that." and that was all they said.  I loved the complicit acceptance of that statement.

I had a glass of champagne, which I love, at my brother's wedding.  I had a beer - and not even all of it - when I left the temp job a few years ago. I had a sip of wine at a funeral. Otherwise nothing substantial for...ten years.  Jeez.  I didn't realize until writing it that it had been that long. And all of those situations was where emotions are running high. Drink.

Kevin assures me that it wouldn't become a problem. When I asked him how he knew that, he replied "Because you would come home and all your sh*t would be in the yard."  Umm, thanks?
I get it, it's not just me that would be paying attention. But in my head, it's only just me.

What's sad is Drunk Me is fun.  If you think I don't have a filter now, wooo boy, see me when I have had a few shots.  I like Drunk Me.  Drunk Me would make family gatherings a little easier. If Drunk Me came to hang out right now, things would probably be a little easier.

Until it wasn't. So as much as Drunk Me is fun, it's just not worth the risk to me.