Squirrel!

There was an episode of Mom the other day where one of the characters discovers that she has had ADD all her life and didn't know it. For people of my generation, GEN X'ers, this doesn't seem unusual. We made it into adulthood before most of this knowledge became readily available.

She was understandably frustrated with living her life without knowing there was a reason she was the way she was. I kind of get that. But I also look at it like it's normal to me - I've never known anything different - and it's not necessarily a bad thing.

If I remember it correctly, the moral of the episode was she was wired that way and because she was, she was able to survive/cope with her life.  I FELT that in the feelings, for sure.

I didn't know I did until I was in an Early Childhood Education class in the early 90's.  It was before it was as easily known or recognizable as it is now.  I just remember sitting there, listening and thinking "Umm, that's me." as I'm checking off boxes on the list.  Mostly, I just felt relief that there was a reason that I felt the way I did.

There are still things that I read/hear that come up from time to time that I'm all "Huh, did not know that".  For example, ADD is often not noticed in girls because they appear to be "helpers" and not distracted or off task. That was totally grade school me.  If I'm being honest, it's a little bit into adulthood.

Kids with learning disabilities and/or A.D.D. also figure out how to get by by being charming.  I totally nailed that as a kid while interacting with adults.

In junior and high school, my friends back then thought it was just funny and that I was a rebel.  Turns out that it was just my brain was moving too fast.  On social media a while ago, someone posted a photo that was taken in middle school. It was me with friends and a teacher who regularly had to move me because I Couldn't Even.  "I'm going to move you to Siberia" he would say, with no effect whatsoever.

As much as Twitter can be a dumpster fire, sometimes it reminds you of humanity.  This thread resonated with me so much.  Again, teaching me something that I didn't know even though I live in my brain and work in a field where this knowledge is readily available:

Living with ADHD @yashar

Friends now are just used to me.  Forgotten or misdirected texts.  Broken sentences. Multitasking that is sometimes successful, sometimes not. Rarely on time. Impulsive adventures.  One of our Canadian friends referred to me/us as "You A.D.D. mother effers" and it still makes me laugh.

I can usually tell when I'm having a bad day. Sometimes it's just as simple as  I just have to move my body and now the childhood "Go outside and run around the house" command from my parents makes sense.  Sometimes coffee helps, sometimes it makes it worse.  Writing this, I've had coffee and birthday cake for breakfast and you can imagine how quickly I am typing right now.

Right now I work in an open workspace and I'm finding that to be an ongoing challenging thing.  Some days my brain will cooperate and some days I just know it's going to be a bad day.  Either the office is busier than usual or my brain won't cooperate or sometimes both.  Sometimes it's Susy LoudPants next to me and that's not necessarily the ADD, it's called having hearing.

I use the beloved noise cancelling headphones in that situation.  I use earbuds when I go grocery shopping so that I don't bring home cat food when we don't have a cat.  I learned that if I play classical music when I'm trying to learn something, it helps. (thank you, interwebs, for that suggestion)  Meditation has helped and I would have Never In A Million Years predicted that.

I can't do clutter, my brain just spins out telling me that there is something over there that needs addressing.  I can't do quiet. Overhead lighting is A Thing that I Hate.  I'm not great in large groups (think: movie theatres)  I am more successful when I'm methodical.  But I am on the struggle bus while doing it. (I think that's why I hate cooking. That and I suck at it, but whatevs.) I will actually say aloud "No. Stop. Finish this first."  I will start a conversation mid-sentence because I've already conducted half of it in my head, my body just hasn't caught up.

Also I can, ironically, hyperfocus; reading a book, writing, being deep into a project like ancestry, are good examples.  I prefer the scattered versus the hyperfocus though.

I think it's why the racetrack is my happy place.  It's all the senses at once and the ADD has plenty to play with.  A few years ago I went to a club with coworkers late at night and danced.  I hadn't done that since I'm 21 and forgot how fun that was.  (and how old I am. Yikes) But I left there happy and relaxed.  And it wasn't just the fun of being with friends; my body and brain felt different.  Something about all the input just had an effect.

I somehow managed to marry someone with ADHD and we tend to mesh well, when you wouldn't think this was a possibility.  Certainly every once in a while we'll get impulsive at the same time but mostly it's balanced. My education and work background helps us because I can identify certain triggers or remove myself to look at it bigger picture. But sometimes we fail.  See: "You A.D.D. mother-effers".  (context: we left someone behind, in Vegas. But not in a total abandonment way and it was "only" in Fremont)

And when I broke my foot off my leg, they gave me medicine for the nerve damage that mellowed me out.  Well, it made me high A.F. but I took it at night and it carried me through most of the day. I remember thinking, multiple times, and much like Sheldon: "This is what normal people feel like." I know there are things that I can take, organic and chemical, that would "help" but I'm okay with being the adorable little mess that I am.

Apologies in advance for forgotten or wrong texts, late lunch dates, unpublished posts, and fragmented sentences. I'm doing the best I can.