I Can't Hear It

 I haven't talked about the in-laws lately so that means all has been quiet, right?

HahahahhahahahaNOhahahahhahahahahaSigh

In the middle of all the painting, Kevin's mom said that her tablet was broken.  Now, I had a realization while writing that: Everything is always broken.  Not glitchy, not having trouble. Broken.

That day's issue was that she couldn't hear it.  Kevin took point on this initially because that's something he can "fix".  He went over and he was there longer than I anticipated so I walked over to the house.  He was standing on the deck and he had that patient tone that warns people who are not his parents that things are not going well.

Kevin had checked it out and then I made sure it wasn't something weird.  It had sound.  It didn't have a great internet connection so videos were slow to play.  But it wasn't a video she was complaining about.  It wasn't a game, it wasn't the startup sounds.  She couldn't tell us WHAT she couldn't hear. Just that she couldn't hear it.  This is easy to diagnose and fix: "Something's wrong and I can't tell you what."

We gave it back to her (remember that we're doing tech support on their deck while they're inside) and suggested that she just leave it be for a while.  

At that point, she pouted and said "Well, that's my life right now" referring to the tablet being the only thing in her life.  To my surprise, Kevin stopped what he was doing and cocked his head.  I literally thought "uh oh"  "Really?" he says "that's your life? That's such a nice thing to say to your son who is standing right here trying to help you."  She backpedaled but it was too late. Every once in a while I see where his brother gets the manipulation gene. 

Pouting continued so I walked away.  Kevin again suggested that she lock up the tablet because clearly someone was breaking into the house and messing with it.  Because it's Not Her.

About thirty minutes later we are painting.  I heard shuffling but assumed it was my father-in-law because he's doing that lurking thing.  (Did I tell you about that? He'll just suddenly appear, not say anything, just stand there.  Not terrifying AT ALL)

Kevin turns around from the ladder he is standing on and there is his mother.  She had walked out of the house, down the deck, out the gate, around the van, and into the shop. UNATTENDED.  "What.ARE.you.DOING?" he asks with a tinge of panic.

She's holding her tablet.  "It doesn't have sound. Whatever you did didn't fix it."  I watch as Kevin counts to eleventy hundred in his head before responding.  "I thought you were going to put it down. The internet is slow."  

(Sidebar: the internet has been slow here because we live rurally.  Also, this is an easy explanation for her to understand.  So we refer to it often, even if it doesn't apply)

She pouts and repeats that she just can't hear it.  I got down off the ladder and took the tablet.  I stepped outside so I would have a good signal and opened the facebook.  I can hear it.  I started a video and I could hear it.  I started Candy Crush and I could hear it.  "It has sound.  What is it that you can't hear?"

I am dumb. So dumb.  Why did I ask that?

"Maybe you can hear it but I can't hear it."  So I started Candy Crush again because it's the loudest game next to first person player games.  Gesturing at it as it plays, she says "Well, I can hear it NOW but when I go in the house I can't hear it anymore."

....

I glanced at Kevin who suddenly has to go do something that is not deal with his mother.  

"Okay" I say in my best early childhood education tone "Remember when we talked about the internet being slow?"  Yes.  "And we suggest that you just shut if off and leave it alone awhile?"  Yes...but "That doesn't fix it for LATER."

...Holy mother of dog...

"Okay" I tried again "This is my answer: put it away and we'll look at it later.  Maybe the internet will be better later tonight."  She straight up pouted at me, which then flipped that switch in me.  "AND maybe go rest a while, because you seem pretty tired."

I might as well have told a toddler that they needed a nap.  If she could throw herself onto the floor, I think she would have. Kevin, sensing impending doom, reappears.  "Let's go back in the house.  Remember we said to leave the tablet alone for a while so that's what we're going to do."

To my knowledge, the tablet has since magically fixed itself.  I asked Kevin later and he just said "It works now." Okay then.

Now fast forward a few days.  I was hanging out with my BFF at the park.  We were talking when they gestured at my phone.  I had it on silent and didn't notice it ringing.  They saw the display and said "Uh oh."  

Reluctantly I answered because we don't screen calls from the parents ever.  "Hi honey, were you sleeping?"

EVERY MOTHER EFFING TIME she says it.

My bff starts to laugh because they can hear her.

"Well, I wanted to order something on the amazon but I forgot how."

I explained that I wasn't at home right now. "Oh, you're not?" and she laughs.  Then...nothing.  Okay, apparently I'm doing tech support via phone in the middle of a park now.  This is my life.

"You know what you want?"  Yes.

"Did you put it in the cart?" Yes.

"Do you see the cart drawing in the upper right hand corner?"  No.  I have to turn it on again.

Sigh.............We wait for her to get her tablet, turn it on, open Amazon....

"Okay, what do I look at?"  

"You see the drawing of the cart?" Yes.  "Does it have a number in it?" Yes, three.

"Tap on the cart. Did the screen change?"

Suddenly I hear like a timer or phone ringing or something in the background.  She says "Wait a minute" and I hear the phone clatter onto the table.  Then silence.  For like almost two minutes.  Until I finally said "Hello, did you come back?"  

YES SHE HAD AND SHE WAS JUST SITTING THERE SILENTLY

My friend at this point was almost crying laughing.  They have heard the stories but this was a live performance.

"Okay, what does the screen say now?"  You have three items in your cart

"Do you see a yellow box that says Order now or Place your order?"  Yes.  

"Tap that. Did the screen change?"  Long pause...yes.

What does it say?"  Long pause, mumbling.  Oh, it says thank you for placing your order.

"Okay, you did it."   And we eventually hung up.

"OMG" I nearly shouted to my friend "You thought I was exaggerating!"  They laughed a little incredulously and said "No, you weren't."

So, yeah. That's going well.