Family Ties

My family is quite small. I have two brothers and only one has children. Kevin & I can't have children so my family name ends with my brothers.

As I've mentioned, there is one brother that I am close with and one brother that I'm really not. Once my parents die, it is a safe guess that "the other brother" will fade from our lives. Perhaps he'll surprise us but I doubt it. The parents are the only reason we see each other anymore.

My nieces are 18 and 14, soon they will be grown and gone. We are close, as they are breaking the mold of no touch, no feelings, no sentimentality once and for all. They have not one second of hesitation about hugging and saying I love you. This doesn't happen in my family. These beautiful girls have given me "family."

My brothers and I have never had a template of what a healthy family (or relationship, but that's another topic) is like. We have no frame of reference. Brother Dear was given full custody of his girls, with no warning whatsoever. When that happened, we had to assemble some sort of a unit. And it's been good.

For reasons I've never quite understood, we didn't spend time with family: grandparents, uncles & aunt, cousins and such. It's not like there wasn't plenty there to chose from:

My father had one brother who had five children, between bio & step children. We spent time with them when my paternal grandma was alive but that ended when she died when I was six.

My paternal grandfather was married three times: divorced my paternal grandmother, widowed and then remarried. I should have cousins galore with that family dynamic but not so much. We saw my grandfather only on holidays.

My mother is originally from California. Her mother was also married three times and she outlived all three husbands. With that, there were eleven children total, also inclusive of bio and step children. Because of the distance, and again for reasons I've never understood, we didn't spend any time with those cousins either.

From both sides of the family, I have two cousins who are my age. Neither of whom I could recognize in a crowded mall.

While Kevin's family is much larger. His mother and father are each one of five children.
His mother's family is very close while his father's family is more like mine. In fact many of his siblings don't speak and there really aren't any family gatherings anymore. We bump into those relatives in the store during Christmas.

Kevin's family was quite overwhelming to me at first. Family holidays, barbecues, & reunions were busy, loud, & drama filled affairs. It could get very overwhelming for someone coming from a detached semblance of a family.

And of course, they didn't always understand me, having come from a small & non-communicative family. Like everyone, they think everyone's family is just like theirs. They couldn't understand the feelings of being overwhelmed and frankly, suffocation. It's as if I were raised by wolves and then suddenly thrust into a human environment. It's a funny analogy but it's, sadly, true.

We're now the age that parents, aunts, & uncles have begun passing on, leaving the cousins untethered. We noticed that we don't stay in touch as well as before. This last summer we simply didn't get around to having a family reunion. Everyone has heard the lament: "Once Mom passed away, we didn't see each other anymore." It's true.

It's sad, really, because cousins are an important part of your life. They knew you when you were little and while not siblings nor best friends, the bond is usually there. But it is kind of a strange relationship because you're essentially friends because of DNA, versus having the same interests. We're working on keeping those connections though. Facebook helps. Cell phones help.

I'm slowing absorbing my brother & nieces into my life. Dragging them into "my" family. It's easier that way. The nieces ADORE their uncle Kevin and call my BFF D "Auntie". We've created our own, healthier family unit.

I've come to the realization that is much as they making me freaking C.R.A.Z.Y, these people are my family. They are the only chance I am going to have at a nuclear family. And in a wacky turn of events, it's kind of fun.

Thus my belief of "Family is who you choose it to be, not whom DNA designates."