09 June 2009

The Heart Wants What the Heart Wants

Trying to control what you feel in your heart for someone is much like trying to box water. Just when you think you've tamped it down, closed the box, and shoved it into a dark corner...The box tips over, spilling it's contents.

A few milestone dates have passed and it usually makes me a little wistful. This year has been no exception.

The thing about grief...grief as in not just loss from death but lost love or lost friendship...is that a person can never predict when it will appear. Like Sneaky Little Bastard, it sneaks up on you; staying for days, weeks or hours. Most times a person can predict a trigger. Dates and photographs seem to create struggles for me. Sometimes it just shows up unannounced.

There is no rationalization, logic, or consoling. Much like a toddler, I will want what is lost to the point of irrationality. "But I WANT it." I want the friendship. I want the intimacy, the connection. The history.
I just f&*king want it.

As much as it simply is not possible, the heart wants what the heart wants.


4 comments:

Not Your Aunt Bea said...

Ugh. I know that feeling. It is all too familiar.
The view is beautiful.

Jess said...

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. But this post is beautiful and poignant.

Dynamita said...

I loved this post so much!! I am going through some of that and it really spoke to me. It is beautifully written too. Thank you for sharing.

PS I am totally using it for my fb status update.

Firegirl said...

Thank you everyone! I appreciate your kind words, as always.