Mean Girl

I am teaching myself to be non-judgmental. Not that I am a horrible person. I just felt like I personally needed to improve. It is human nature to dwell in your own stuff. I don't want to become a bitter old woman.

Everyone has their own set of problems and issues. One person's no-big-deal is another person's catastrophe. My problems may seem huge to me but not to someone else. How many times in your life have you poured out your worries to your best friend or your mom or whomever and by the time you were finished, you felt - not only better - but also a tiny bit foolish?

Everyone's perception is not necessarily the reality. I've often said and believe that there are three sides to every story: theirs, mine and what actually happened.

And everyone has a different set of coping skills. Some people have high thresholds for stress and others are just High Drama. At my work, we have a twisted sense of humor. It's not uncommon for one of us to say "Oh, I just broke a nail, I have to go home now." Some days we mean it, some days we don't. It's a coping mechanisim.

Another one that works well for us but not necessarily everyone appreciates is to comment "Of COURSE it has!" when something has gone terribly awry. Some people think we're insane, it's just the way we've found to cope.

Everyone has read the email pass-along about not swearing at the person who just cut you off in traffic because it may be someone driving with tears in their eyes because they’ve just gotten the worst news ever. Or not being rude to the distracted cashier because she may be trying to figure out how to pay rent, buy her little one new shoes and feed her too. It kills me every time.

I also deal with people every day that are struggling to make ends meet. I am the girl that can alleviate a small portion of their burden, most of the time. Each time someone thanks me, I ask them to remember what happened to them and pass-it-on when they get in a position to help someone. I appreciate their thanks and gratitude, but it is more important to me that they help someone else.

The previous makes me sound like I'm a wonderful person but keep in mind: I am a sarcastic person with a pretty quick wit and a good vocabulary. It's all too easy for me to slip into judgmental behavior. Look at the world today, there is just so much material to work with! But everyone could use some fine-tuning.

But I digress. I know, you're surprised.

When we were building our house, we experienced all kinds of people. Not all of them savory. Fortunately, we did make friends with people in the process. If we were truly judgmental, then we wouldn't have had the opportunity to meet these people.

Our first experience was a contractor that was to bid the site preparation. He came out looking like Tony Soprano. I swear this guy was a Made Man. Black slacks, snake skin boots, white polo shirt, and black slick-backed hair. Warning buzzers went off huge with this guy. We heeded the warnings and we were correct: he overbid the job. In this case our judgments were correct

Then I came home one hot afternoon to a crew of Hispanics working on the house. I must admit, I was uncomfortable. My husband came home a few minutes later. Having never met a stranger EVER, he introduced himself and the next thing I knew Jesse was talking to Randy a hundred miles a minute and they were best friends. Turns out, Jesse was more polite and sincere to me than probably most guys I have ever met. By the time he was finished with our house, we were friends. But, had I not met him before, he would be someone I would avoid in a store parking lot.

We have a repairman/troubleshooter that is doing finishing touches in our house. The contractor warned us that he was a black man, because - believe it or not - there are people who still care. I arrived at my house to meet George and he was the most beautiful black man I have ever seen. I swooned. Really.
He too was the KINDEST person you could ever meet.

Also during this time, Oprah had a show on about prejudices and biases. One of her questions was: "Would you let a black or Hispanic man change your locks?" Having just met Jesse & George, my opinion was an instant YES! But, before that, would my answer be the same? Would my attitude be different if I lived in the city? Who knows?
I was raised in a racist environment. Not necessarily my parents but in the town where I went to high school. But it never stuck with me. I always thought it was ignorant.

I brought the Oprah show up during dinner in a restaurant. As luck would have it, there was an African American woman sitting behind my table. I don't think she could hear me but it made my husband uncomfortable. I wasn't uncomfortable because I knew his opinions and I felt it was a positive conversation. Who knows? Was I being judgmental? Sometimes it’s difficult to tell.

AND THEN...
I watched Mean Girls for the first time this weekend. What a social commentary! I went to school with girls like that, I think we all did. Oooh, I hated them! I can't say that I would like them NOW to tell you the truth. In my case, they all own a jewelry store together and it's safe bet that I will never step foot in that store! Now, is that judgmental...or self-preservation...or conflict avoidance?

Have you ever met a mean girl from your past? Were they the same? I've experienced that they have been both the same and different. One person was incredibly insecure and made a HUGE deal about how GREAT it was to see me and how FUN it would be to get together and can I BELIEVE how long it's been!?!. Ugh. Pathetic. One still treated me as if I was a little person who was to do her bidding. Yeah, that didn’t work out so much for her.
In the movie, the girls get their comeuppance. I think that although it doesn't usually happen during school hours like the movie. It usually happens over time. The scales balance, eventually. I think that is one of the fun things about getting older: getting to enjoy KARMA.

I recently read and then watched someone who had to do an exercise in thinking before you speak. She had to answer a few questions before she could respond to even the simplest of questions or comments:
Is it KIND? Is it NECESSARY? Is it TRUE? Is it HELPFUL?

I’m trying to keep that scrolling through my head as I live with my life. I’ve found that I am much quieter now. And I think it’s a good thing.

Being judgemental can be as easy as swearing at the person in traffic, or assuming that person is a thug or dismissing someone else's problems are small or petty. It's an insiduous thing and I want to keep an eye on it.

However, this change in attitude has not exempted me from the occasional outburst. I don’t care how much I work on myself, I will probably not ever be able to NOT comment on truly stupid people. Not the disabled, but the truly stupid. The ones that it takes all of their IQ to breathe. The ones that tell me it’s okay that they have pizza every day and that’s okay because it’s vegetarian. The ones that ask a person with headphones on a question and wait patiently for an answer when a) they didn’t hear them and b) there were other, more appropriate people to ask. The ones that ask me if it’s okay to throw light bulbs away. (swear to God she was serious)
Nope, I can’t set the bar too high. Those people must be commented on, if not only for the comedic value.

Nevertheless, I am working on it. It’s an ongoing process. Try it! It’s kind of fun, actually.