My BFF "K" emailed me in a panic the other day. Her mother-in-law is making noises about moving closer to her and hinting none to gently about moving in with her. This has caused panic, fear, palpable terror. Just the mere notion of living with our mothers or mothers-in-law brings anxiety. I know that I carry that same anxiety, having just experienced my mother in a high-stress situation and encountering a whole new version of my mother.
Curious, I inquired to my two other BFF's "C" and "D" the same situation. Each of their responses was the same: a shudder of fear. Hmmm. A quandary.
If one were to listen to the media, mostly the retail chains during the holiday season, everyone comes from a loving, highly functional family that happily gathers around the table during holidays and celebrations.
However, in my nearly-40 years, I have discovered the opposite. It is a myth, the happy family. Most families have their own form of dysfunction. Some of us are a Level 10 and some of us are a Level 5. The determination of the Dysfunction Level is dependant upon the member of the family you're asking; it's fluid.
My mother-in-law was raised in a level 10 home. To ask her, however, she would probably rate it at a 5. That was her experience and how she coped. From an outside view, I would rate it a level 15. Different perspectives, different coping skills.
I was raised in a level, oh let's say, 8 home: alcoholism, verbal abuse, etc. I have a feeling that, if asked, one brother would rate it lower and one brother would rate it higher. Each rating is true, to that individual. (Playing to my theory that there are three sides to every story: Yours, Theirs, and What Actually Happened)
Nevertheless, back to my original point: Our parents are aging and we are going to have to deal with it at one point. In a perfect world, everyone would live under one roof happily ever after. However, this is not a perfect world. Because of this fact, what is the next step? We didn't live happily under the same roof the first go-around.
Or, worse perhaps, it's an in-law that is truly unbearable.
Obligation hangs over our heads, swinging back and forth like the guillotine in an obstacle course. One wants our parents to remain independent forever. Unrealistic. One would want to be kind enough, mature enough, to welcome them into our homes. This is a realism that perhaps is attainable, perhaps not. One would hesitate, even balk, at placing a parent in an assisted living center...as nursing homes are now called. *We* wouldn't want to be there, yet for most of us: it is a foregone conclusion. This may be our parents next-to-final destination.
In some cultures, aging parents are a non-issue. It just *IS* They take care of their elders, no question. You don't have to like it, it just is.
Maybe that's where we hit a stumbling block...us being the Gen-X or even further: Americans...we're an independent group, fiercely so. This may be where we balk: it is a choice. Many cultures don't ever have a time that a parent isn't present, no matter what stage of life they are in. Americans pride themselves on being independent. They pride themselves on being able to make their lives better than those of their parents. With this pride, comes a downfall; there will be a time that someone will be dependent upon us and we may be unequipped to cope with it.
I guess it comes down to what is best for everyone involved. For instance, there is not a chance in the world that my father could ever live with us. There would be 1st Degree Murder charges within 30 days. My mother, well, it would depend. Heavily medicated...me or my mother, either way...it could work. Is it my dream? No, not really. Will it be my reality? Perhaps. Is it my responsibility? lt feels so.
On the flip-side, my in-laws are moving here in about one month. They are living on our property, not in our house. In a perfect world, this will be their last home. Hopefully, this is where they will pass. We are lucky enough to have the wherewithal to provide this for them. Many don't have this capability. This has been the perfect solution for everyone involved: independence yet proximity. This, I would wish for everyone.
Having experienced the assisted living world recently, I can say it wasn't that bad. Of course, I can say that from the comfort and distance of my own home. It was not the nursing home of old. They had a dining room, a rec room, a large screen television and cable. Field trips and activities were available. It was kind of like camp. Your experience is what you put into it, I suppose. My dad, being a sociable person, made friends and seemed to mostly have a good time there. I don't think I would have qualms placing him in assisted living. My mom, however, is not wired the same. I don't think she would endure it as well as my father. Again, it is such an individual choice.
There's that choice word again. Choice, perhaps we won't have a choice. *shudder* They'll have to live with us, what then? Prozac, lithium, Stolli. These are only a few options that I can think of.
Another factor is that people are living longer. This is creating an entire new set of circumstances. My grandparents passed in their 60's. They had no sooner retired and they died -as did their parents. My parents didn't have to make this decision. Our parents are living longer and now so will we, all going well. We do have to cope with the decision. However, we don't have a template - an example - of how to do this. Perhaps that is the crux of the problem. There are just so many variables.
Maybe it is just my friends and I that shudder at the thought of living with their parents. Or maybe not. Maybe we are just honest enough to admit our own reluctance. Reluctant or not, we're going to cope. I'll let you know how it goes.
Where are your parents living? Hmmm. Think about it. Scary, isn't it?
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