A Dose of The Parents

There is a wi-fi receiver for my father-in-law's pacemaker, which is pretty cool.  As I arrived home today, he asked if I would come over during dinner and install it. Sure, fine.  I'm comfortable with the fact that I am their I.T. Department.

Then I thought about it.  His appointment was yesterday.  He's talked to Kevin and his brother, via the phone and in person, multiple times since then.  Why have we waited a full 24-hours to ask me? We'll never know.  This is how it goes and I shouldn't be surprised any more.

Anyway, I went over there and they have about ten different papers out.  Pause a full minute while he shuffles through them.  I spotted the user manual and asked/took it.  "No, that's not the one." he says.
My impulse to wave it and melodramatically gesture to the words "USER MANUAL" was squelched just in the nick of time.

Instead, I just started to read the directions that one would usually find in the user manual.  It turns out that the mother had the instructions he was looking for.  Because, of course.  It was just a  simplified version of what I was reading.

"Okay" I say "It says to set it up next to your bed. So let's do that."

"Well, we can..."

I interrupt "It.Says. Set it up next to the bed.  That is Step One and we're starting at Step One and Step One says set it up next to the bed so we are going to set it up next to the bed because that is Step One."  (Thank you Early Childhood Education and Experience)

We walk to the bedroom and I say "Oh, perfect. You have a counter and an outlet right there. This is going well."

He plugged it in and then fussed with the alarm clock, because that is important right now.
I started to read the directions aloud.  "Push the power button"  and he doesn't.  I reach over an push the power button and it begins to beep loudly.

I continue to read.  "It says that it will beep while it is setting up and searching for everything. One light will..."

"BUT I HAVE TO PUT IT NEXT TO MY HEART."

"What do you have to put next to your heart?"
"The thing. They said I have to put it next to my heart."
"What thing?  It says nothing about putting anything next to your heart.  Not in these instructions or in these instructions, so where does it say that?"

"THEY said I have to put it next to my heart!"

Tone has crept into my voice at this point.  I began to read, from the beginning, the instructions while gesturing Vanna White style to the power button and the search light, and the wi-fi light.
"So far it's doing what it says it's supposed to do."  Nope, he insists.

We walk back into the living room and he can't find anything that says Put It Next To Your Heart.  And now the mother has followed us back into the room because she's a mom and knows when there's about to be a brawl.

"Okay, I'm going to start this all over again."  And I do.  He is quiet.  I mention that the next step is to stay in front of the receiver until the stars icon lights up, which can take up to 15 minutes.  I continue to read the directions.  It says if you have a pacemaker, you cannot set this receiver up.  This would have been good to know at the beginning but I don't have a pacemaker so we're good.
It also says to keep electronical devices away from the receiver.  So, I take my cell phone out of my hoodie pocket and put it in my back pocket, without saying a word.  Quietly, my father in law gestures to the alarm clock and says "Is that an electronical device?"  MOTHER BEAR.

If he can READ the damn thing, why am I doing it?  I answered that it probably wouldn't bother it but we'll see.  He continues to sit.  I mention that I forgot to look at the time but if fifteen minutes pass and it doesn't work, I will return and we will try it again and/or phone the company.  If it doesn't work, IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL WE WILL FIX IT.

As I'm walking away, the stars icon lights up and it happily beeps. "See? it's all set up. Just like that."  They're both quiet because they know when they've overstepped.

I turn to leave and spot...I can't even...you won't even believe me....a bit bowl of GRAPES next to the mother's side of the bed. GRAPES.  I stopped and turned. "Why are there grapes next to the bed?"   Now, Kevin has talked to her before about how super bad of an idea this is of hers so none of this is new information to her.  "Well, my mouth gets dry in the night so I have a grape."

*deep breath*

Then get a bottle of water, or a popsickle, or anything other than grapes.  You know that's a bad idea and a choking hazard."

"No, because I chomp on it and eat it really quickly."

blink.blink.blink.

"Okay, you're going to do what you're going to do.  You're going to risk choking and dying when there's, oh, any another solution.  Okay. I've said it and we're moving on."

I went back home and about an hour later Kevin phones.  "Is anything going on there?"  He asks  this every afternoon because so often there is SOMETHING.   Unintentionally, I unloaded the grape story on him and finish with a sigh.  Then he says what I said: "They're going to do what they do. You said it and that's that."

I laughed and told him "Well, I just took a dose of your parents so you don't have to today. You are welcome."