No One is Winning

This is the sequel to the This.Is.Fine post.

Everyone in a family wholeheartedly believes that they help.  Mostly with no ill intent but sometimes.  Everyone thinks that they contribute.

With my family, I live kind of far away from my mom so the brothers who live closer take care of her. Also, their relationship with the mom is different than ours.  Sure, I step up when needed.  I contribute in small ways they're probably not aware of.  I fully acknowledge that they are the better siblings and bear the most burden. That is okay and I believe that it it is the way of many families.

On the flip side, as mentioned endlessly, I have my hands full with my family here.  They live next door, their health is declining while my mom is remarkably healthy.   I am closer with them than I am with my own family.

If one is to do the math, I was part of my family - if you will - for about nineteen years.  My brothers left home at 18 and 16-ish, so I was an only child at twelve.  Now I'm fifty, been with Kevin almost thirty years.  I've spent more time as a family here than there.  But that's not my point.

Like I mentioned, I contribute with my mom less than my brothers.  Here in this family, we contribute more than the brother-in-law.  We help pay bills, we occasionally feed them, fix things for them, run errands, etc.  We're first line when the ambulance is called.  I'm the one who solves problems with bills, tablet, television, etc.

The brother-in-law does remarkably less than that.  However, he believes he does a lot.  If asked, he will totally take care credit for caring for his parents. Because he wholeheartedly believes he does.  When in truth, the person who usually contributes the most on that side of the fence is actually his wife.  Even then, it is much less than Kevin and I do.  Also, like my family, I'm sure there are things that we aren't aware of but just on a financial and time basis, the lion share is ours.

Here's the point:  this is a thing amongst siblings and families.  Everyone thinks they do their share and it isn't accurate.  There is always someone who does more and someone who does less, and someone who doesn't do much of all.

The trick is to not do exactly what I'm doing here: taking credit.  Just do your thing and move on with your life.  There will be no convincing anyone that someone did more or less or enough.  Even in  the happiest and closest families.  Everyone's perception and ability to contribute is defined differently, by themselves and by others.  I believe that this adversely affects many families and relationships and it's just not worth it.

What matters in the end is that the person who needs the assistance gets it.  It doesn't matter in the end who did it.

But this won't stop my rants like "This.Is.Fine".  I still get to rant.  As should you. It's necessary and healthy to rant when in this situation. Just don't do it while it's happening among the family members.  No one is winning.