So, I found this photo:
It was with a batch of photos from 1990, including with photos of the first new car I ever had, a park I used to go to on lunch break, and some others. At first I was a little puzzled. It's not a bad photo, not a great one. I thought maybe it had just gotten separated from others. It wasn't in an album, which should have given me a clue.
Then I remembered. I took this in October 1990. I had gone on a small road trip, just to disappear for a day. This was before cell phones so that was actually possible.
I was just twenty-one years old. Already had a failed marriage and was on the verge of losing my job because of it. (you can't have a good work ethic when you're dealing with domestic violence, go figure)
This was the day of big decisions. This was the day I realized/accepted/decided I had to disappear. I had to change everything. And I didn't want to. I didn't want to lose anything else but I had to.
I remember sitting in my little red car, in my favorite yellow OP hooded t-shirt, probably listening to Peter Gabriel or Don Henley. It was windy and cold, because October, but it was beautiful. I had driven out there not knowing what to do and drove back with a decision. No plan at all, because hi, it's me, but a decision. Just that decision was enough, because it was going to change everything.
Thank you twenty-one-year-old Surely for taking the photograph and keeping it all these years. I don't think I will ever be 100% comfortable with that decision but here we are. At least looking at the photo, I can remember what it felt like and appreciate the weight and consequence of it.