Conjugating the Dog

Kevin has a way of talking to animals & babies like they are people. It cracks me up, often.

The dogs given name is Missy Jo. If you want her to come to you or listen, you have to say it like you mean it or she'll ignore you like she's Paris Hilton. However, if you have food, she will whore herself like, well, Paris Hilton.

She has a system set up with my in-laws dog, which is a Shizpoo...or some mixed breed of toy dog...She's 1/16" of Missy's size:



Missy comes to the window of the in-laws house, gets Sassy's attention who then barks, barks, barks until she gets a treat for herself & Missy. She'll not stop barking until someone gets a treat. Then like a good consigliere, she waits for Missy to eat her treat before she does.

We take Missy to the mocha stand on the weekends and they give her handfuls of treats. She is so very spoiled by them and she seems to know which days are weekdays vs. weekends. Without variance, we will get home and she is scratching at the tailgate to get down. Kevin lets her out and she runs to our neighbors to tell Lucky - our lab by proxy - how many treats she's just gotten. Kevin pictures her breathing in Lucky's face and bragging "They gave me SIX today!"

But Missy has been known to snitch treats as well. A normal conversation between Lucky's owner and Kevin is "Missy brought a treat home. Did she steal it or did you give it to her?" Bruce always says "No, it's a legal one." Which we all know is a lie but whatever.

Kevin calls the dog by any number of names: "Tall, Dark & Furry" is probably one of the most used names. He sings her name "Sweet Missy Dog" to the tune of Sweet Caroline. He sings "If you're a puppy and you know it, clap your hands." Which often makes me wonder if the dog is rolling her eyes and silently pleading him just to stop.

The other day I heard him talking to the dog. "C'mon Doggers, Dogness, Dogest, Dogma..."

Or I've heard conversations that go like this:

"What did you do today? Anything? You laid in the sun? Then you rolled over? You must be Exhausted!"

"Did you have to kill today? Who'd you kill? Are there body parts in the yard? C'mon, you can tell me."

Clearly, she's a killer...of treats.
(btw, she's waiting to go to the mocha stand in this pic)