Dog Spa Treatment

Whatever losers had Lucy the first few months of her life must have disciplined her with water or something because she is terrified of baths.  She doesn't like standing water at all, especially if us humans are anywhere nearby.  She takes the garden hose as a personal affront.

We bought a wading pool during a heat wave a few summers ago.  We were hopeful that she would enjoy it.  That is a big No Thank You.  She would drink from it, IF we were nowhere near her or it.  That was it.  Water is not her thing.

Kevin tried to bathe her a handful of times but it broke his heart and it just didn't end well for anyone.  We  talked to two groomers about it and their prognosis was: good luck with that.  I researched the interwebs, because that's what I do, and it was the same.  Good luck.

About two years ago, I decided that this was nonsense and we had to figure out a way for her to get a bath without her killing people.  Because she totally would.  She would scrap and wiggle and cry and fight the whole process.  She would do the full Tom Cruise pose just trying to get her into the tub.

By the end, I would be soaked, the bathroom would be soaked and the dog would be not bathed yet soaked.  I had to wear one of Kevin's hoodies so she wouldn't accidentally scratch me.  I mean, it was super bad.

Finally, I tried something and it seems to be working.  I fill the tub up with soapy water while she's outside.  I use the common folk bathroom because the garden tub is way too big even though it would contain the splash zone and her a little better.  I draw the line at lighting candles for her though.

Then I'll bring her inside, or Kevin will.  Because she has Super Nose, she is immediately aware of what's about to transpire.  She pulls the full Cartman and tries to leave.  

She becomes the best running back, juking away from us. But I've learned to close all the doors to every room (all THREE of them, lol) so then she runs to her fort: her bed under the dining table. Certainly I will never get to her there.

This is base, I'm on base. You can't get me here because base.

This is where Kevin leaves because it really does break his heart that she's so upset.

At first, I would have to drag/carry her to the bathroom but lately (*knock wood*) she will reluctantly go in there. She pretends resignation to lull me into complacency, I think.  And that's where the fight begins.  You can see when she realizes her mistake and tries to get out the door. Every. Time.

I put her in the tub and she complains.  It's warm, it's soapy, it barely touches her chest.  Any other dog would be so lucky, I tell her.  And she tells me to piss off.  Although, she doesn't struggle as much now. It used to be like bathing ten toddlers at once.  Plus a shark.

Here's the thing: there can't be running water because it freaks her out.  In the past, I used to use a big gulp cup to pour water over her and she hated it.  Until, by complete accident, I learned that Her Highness will allow me to wash her with a handtowel.  She buries her head in my shoulder and suffers through her spa day. I mean, seriously.  

Every once in a while she'll act up, as if to remind me that I am SO Not The Boss of Her but anymore it's half-hearted.  What used to take twenty minutes and leave everything in ruin, now takes about ten.

When I take her out, she does the shake thing, I dry her, and she's happy.  Then she walks over to the tub and chests up on it, like "Yeah, I kicked your ass."  Until I move then it's back to the Peace, I'm Out. Open.the.Door. attitude.  

Because she's not a normal dog, she doesn't get the zoomies.  I think partially because she's exhausted and mostly because she knows that there is a pay-off that she's earned. And she won't be distracted until payment is made.

I cheated death, I get a treat. And it better be a good one because I cheated death.
You saw, right?

She lays on her blanket and gets a chewy while I clean up the tsunami in the bathroom and then I shower the dog shampoo and hair off of me. I would describe her attitude as happily cocky after her bath. She feels better, I'm sure. Even if she did just about die.

Then when all is said and done, I will watch her sneak into the bathroom and revisit the scene of the crime.  I don't know why. Maybe she talks smack to the bathtub, we'll never know.

Then when Kevin comes home, she'll jump in his lap and tell him about how she cheated death and fleece him for more treats.  I swear she looks at me like I'm the assailant while doing so. But I'll be the bad guy if she gets a bath in the long run.