Get Out of the Way, Trees.

It's been a few months since the Deal with Your Shit Post.  An update:

I've mentioned before that I made amends with someone who was/is significant in my life.  It has been a whole mood from time to time but I wouldn't change a thing.  I'm eternally grateful for the grace they have given. It went from being a constant, quiet sadness to being a comfort.

I've reached out to a handful of friends more. Texts and messages make my day now and I've made promises to visit. Baby steps. I'm still an introvert.

After a lot of thought, I decided not to reach out to someone. For them specifically, there is a reason for the breach and I believe it's best to just let it lay.  I cannot think of a result that is satisfying.

Along the way, I've received comfort and support.  Three things have become comforts that I have drawn upon:

One of the things that were said: "They are just places." and that resonated with me. They hold no power.  I've repeated that back to myself a handful of times.

To use my bff's phrase "Naming it took it's power away."  and to use another friend's words: "What you're feeling is probably grief."  In a situation like this, it didn't occur to me that grief was applicable.  Once I realized both of these things, I felt a little stupid for not understanding this earlier.

I mean, I work in social services. If this was happening to someone else, I would be able to confidently advise, guide, define. But because I'm in it, I couldn't see it. Hey forest, get out of the way of the trees.

Unexpectedly, there was an interesting conversation with Kevin.  I don't remember how it even came up now but we were on the way to dinner when my former husband was mentioned.  Kevin was surprised that I still kind of wished him dead.  Kevin is a live and let live guy and he worries about karma. Legitimately, it is bad karma for me.

He asked why I couldn't forgive him.  I will paraphrase his question for simplicity: "What did he do?"   At first I was a little nonplussed.  Then I realized two things: it's been thirty years and memories fade. Mostly, though, I'm not a big talker when it comes to this part of my life.  So...I may have not/probably didn't share a lot.  I mean, of course, he knows about the threats of violence, the stalking, etc.  But specific, finite details weren't shared. That's on me, not him.

So I had to sum it up because I really don't want to talk about it or give the former husband any more power.  I decided upon "He was awful to me in all.the.ways. that a person can be awful."  This left Kevin quiet for a minute. We talked about it a bit more and that I will leave between us.

This is the part where if this was an article in the Oprah magazine, I would say "I'm healed, I'm whole, and/or this was just all part of my journey."

First: anytime I hear someone talk about their journey, I really just want to snick them between the eyes.  But you do you.

I am not healed and I don't even know what that means really.  I will admit to feeling a little more whole.  I am interested in where this will take me, I am still wanting to solve things that are unsolvable, I still wander into regret from time to time.

This is what life is, I think.