Exhale

 Is it safe to come out?  It is?  Okay, good.  As Swistle mentioned, it felt weird to post this week so I refrained.  Even today, it feels a little odd.

Then I really thought about how it feels last night.  It's an absence.  It's a loss, a good one, but a loss all the same.  It occurred to me in the middle of the night, as things tend to do, that for me: it is 1990 again.  Before you start reaching for historical dates, it's historical only for me.

When I left Satan and the almost two years following, my vigilance was ceaseless.  Surely there would be little pockets of peace but there was always this...noise in the back of my head.  Until time passed, legal paperwork, and a move out of the county finally quieted it.

Then 45 came along and the noise was back.  Quieter, of course, but it was back.  The frustration and anger was back.  As much as I hate to use the word because a certain belief-set has ruined it, I was triggered frequently.  The videos of him insistently grabbing at her hand, the lying without consequence, the sexist behavior; all of it triggering me. Reminding me.  

Okay, rolling of shoulders.  Now he's gone.  Now no one says his name.  Have you noticed that?  His name is rarely mentioned and it's glorious.

The noise is now gone, the vigilance is gone and now there's like a loss.  But it's a peaceful and welcomed peace.  The bad man is gone now.  We can scroll through social media without squinting or wincing.  Joy Scrolling instead of doom scrolling. (not mine, nipped from the twitter)  We can relax because the grownups are back in charge.

So if you're feeling a little weird, maybe this will help define it. Many of us have been holding our breath for four years and now we can exhale.