That's Not Nothing

 Because nerd, I'm always reading.  It could be a magazine, a book, an online article, email, twitter.  I'm usually always reading something.  Any time that I spot an article or a thread about Covid Long Haul Symptoms, I read it and take notes. Because the information is constantly being updated and we're learning more as people share their experiences.

Then the other day, the fact that Kevin still has not regained his smell came up in conversation with one of our friends.  Along with that loss, his sense of taste has been altered because the senses all work in cooperation. 

There are fewer and fewer things that he enjoys eating now.  He was already a fussy eater with textures, appearance, or strong odors and now it's been amplified.  Some of his favorites are no longer preferred. If I were to enumerate it, out of ten of his favorites only seven remain.  My guess is he would say five out of ten, if I asked.  He barely eats anymore and needs to in order to stave off hypoglycemia and Graves Disease episodes. His tremor in his hand is back. It's like the Covid fritzed out his immune system again. He's lost weight and his jeans are baggy now.  I haven't asked how much he's lost.  It reminds me of when he was really sick and went from 190 lbs. to 150 lbs and I try not to dwell on that.

The taste of soda is rancid to him now.  Like, spit it out immediately rancid.  He says that coffee doesn't taste as good as it used to.  I've ran out of snacks for his workday because nothing tastes good anymore. A person thinks "Well, those aren't *bad* things to lose..." But what do we replace it with?  Where does it end? He has resigned himself that they are not returning.

He shared that when he brought home Mexican food take-out the other night (a Friday night ritual) there was an issue.  He physically stopped the truck then got out to inspect it, including raising the hood and laying on the ground to look underneath. Because it smelled like something was burning.  The smell of hot Mexican takeout smelled terrible to him.  He didn't tell me about it immediately because it was so frustrating and upsetting to him.

So, let's unpack the whole You had Covid and You're Fine thing from this perspective: What does the loss of smell really mean?  Firstly, because we didn't immediately recognize it: it also means the loss of taste.

It meant that Mexican food smelled like burnt rubber, thus making it not appetizing to eat.  Something that when you hear "Mexican food take-out" chances are your tummy grumbled in happiness.  Not anymore.  I'm usually starting dinner when he comes home.  He loves Taco Tuesday because he comes home to the house smelling like tacos.  

But let's take that takeout issue a second step: what if something WAS wrong with the truck?  Would he smell it? Or would he unknowingly wait until something was really wrong?  What if it's a smoke smell in the house or garage?  We have smoke alarms but he wouldn't smell it before it turned into something dangerous.

The one that bothers me the most - because I'm in this too - is my perfume.  I've worn the same perfume for years.  He can't smell it.  He can't smell one of his favorite scents - his own wife.  It's gone.  The one thing that brings comfort when people are gone - their scent - is gone for him. 

Which then brings us to core memories.  We all have those smells that takes us back.  The smell of your childhood home or parents.  That new baby smell.  That new CAR smell.  How puppies smell when they're little.  Your favorite smell...vanilla, new leather, freshly cut grass, the smell after a rainstorm.  Gone.

All of that. Gone.

I mean, I can't wrap my head around that. I really can't.  That isn't nothing. That isn't "But you're fine now." That's a loss that is painful and causes grief and has reprecussions. There is no "You're fine".

So, we'll keep hoping that it returns.  We'll hope that it doesn't get worse, even though we have zero reason to believe so.  We're not going to think about my perfume or that he won't smell his mom again.  We will focus on that he was "lucky" and wasn't hospitalized or dead when so millions others were.  These losses, while big to us, are still better than the alternative.