Happy Halloween

I am not a huge Halloween fan. It's just not my thing. I don't usually dress up even when I worked with children.

Years ago, there used to be a haunted forest in my hometown. It was in a city park and was a trail that wound through the trees. The line was literally hours long but we went anyway. I had friends that helped set up the whole thing.

As you stood waiting, you could hear the screams & shrieks of people as they went through. Then to add to the ambiance, they also played one of those spooky sounds albums over loudspeakers.

Luckily for me, this was before Blair Witch Project. If it were after BWP, there would be no chance in hell that I would walk through it.

Anyway, it was Kevin and I and "W" before he met & married "D". There were plenty of smart ass remarks and sarcasm bantered back and forth while we waited.

Now, I'm not really scared or spooked easily but they really worked on the whole atmosphere in this setting. Dark, woods, scary noises, the adrenaline of everyone feeding off one another.

We begin walking through. It begins with mostly visual stuff, nothing terrible. But as you get deeper into the Forest, it gets darker and the path isn't as clear. You're literally kind of stumbling along.

Now some genius (I mean that sincerely) thought of using an actual chain saw. They took off the chain so there was no danger but the SOUND. Creepy!!!!

Then they use strobe lights which are, of course, disorienting. My vision doesn't compensate for strobe lights so at this point I was dependent upon Kevin. Nice. A trust exercise.

We're nearly to the end and there is zombies wandering in the woods. You can see them but they're not really near you or anything.

AND THEN...

A man comes out of the woods, slightly behind me. He approaches me and takes my arm.
I hear "Come with me" in a quiet voice.

All I could think of was:

"THEY'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO TOUCH YOU!!! THEY'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO TOUCH YOU!!!"

Just as I was getting ready to freak the hell out, the guy literally fell on the ground laughing.

It was my friend Brad. You've heard of Brad...the late night booty caller, the blind date setter-upper. Yeah, if he wasn't such a great guy, I would so hate him.

Kevin wasn't in on the plan so he got IMMENSE ENJOYMENT.

And I think that's the last haunted house/Halloween thing we did. Gee, I wonder why?

Petty

I came across a Tom Petty CD the other day. I forgot that I had it, as often happens to me. It's the Anthology disc, the greatest hits of the 90's.

I forgot why I bought it until I played it again. It makes me Happy. Now, what's strange about that statement is that it is essentially the soundtrack of my divorce. One would think that I would HATE this CD but I don't. Actually, the only song that I hate from that life period is "Open Arms" by Journey.
HHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTEEEEEEEEEEEEEE that song. Hate. Seriously.

Hate.

It.

But I'm off topic, a little.

When I left Michael, I got into my little red car, backed out of my parking space and turned the stereo on. (tape player...it was 1990) "Free Falling" was the song playing.

It couldn't have been a more perfect song for that moment in time. It really felt like a scene from a movie. The sun was shining, I was feeling pretty empowered at that moment and out of the speakers burst this song.
Ahhh, sweet relief.

Which is kind of strange because the song lyrics really have nothing to do with what was happening. Other than the feeling of freedom I was experiencing.

The CD also has my next favorite divorce soundtrack song: "Don't Come Around Here No More".
It fit nearly as perfectly as "Here's a Quarter, Call Someone Who Cares." (;-D

"Last Dance with Mary Jane" is an interesting song as well. As previously mentioned, I was a cute little bundle of crazy when I left so this song also applied.

And then there's the empowerment theme again: "I Won't Back Down" I remember often belting those lyrics out in the car as well.

Learning to Fly...Into the Great Wide Open...Running Down a Dream...it's just a great album.

So, the point being, if I ever make a true soundtrack of my life this album will represent the years from 1988 - 1991

Bootleg

Dishwasher detergent cost $5 at the grocery store tonight. To boot, there were only three choices and no generic. I decided right there in the aisle that I'd rather hand wash my dishes than pay $5 for something I can get in my hometown for $2.

You see, a few months ago, Bellingham & Whatcom County banned most dishwasher detergents.

I initially learned about it on the Huffington Post, of all places. I then checked the Bellingham Herald and they had a blurb on it. A blurb.

Rightfully so they are worried about the phosphates in the detergent damaging the watershed and are now only allowing "green" detergents. While it seems like a good idea, the way it was presented was kind of funny. It was apocalyptic if you continued to use it but the last sentence of the article stated "Households can finish whatever detergent they have on hand." So, if you just bought the 10 gallon bucket at Costco, continue on. Wait, what?

I made a joke at work about going down to Skagit County and buying "bootleg" detergent. That went over Not. At. All. WTH? I'm all for being green but this just seemed random. It was barely mentioned in the Skagit Valley Herald - the newspaper neighbor to the Bellingham Herald.

If it has such dire consequences, I would think a little more press would have been due. And, while I'm on a rant, they're singling out dishwasher detergent? Not laundry soap, bleach, fabric softener. Not car wash soap. Not persons with poorly operating septic systems.

Nope, the dishwasher is the enemy.

And this to try to repair a watershed that was damaged by over-development in the first place.

I just found the whole thing a little odd and just a little bit funny. RANDOM.

$5!! Now, I know I wouldn't bat an eye if it were a mocha but that's not the point. (:-D My point is that I will just buy bootleg detergent in the next county and until then I will wash my dishes by hand, which wastes more time, water & money in my humble opinion.

Make sure you keep your detergent locked up ladies & gentlemen. The life you save could be your own. (:-D

Crossed

The first piece of jewelry that Kevin ever gave me was a gold cross. It was our first Christmas together, we'd been together two months and were pretty much living together. (i.e. I still had my apartment but just used it as storage)

I wear the cross every day. It only comes off when I need to detangle my hair from the clasp or I've broken the clasp trying to detangle it. As we could never discuss God stuff at the school, if kids ever asked me what or why I was wearing it, I would simply say "It helps keep me safe."

One day, a three-year old was fascinated with it. Mesmerized. Finally, she looked up at me with all seriousness and innocence, Miss Firegirl, why are you wearing an airplane?" One of my fave stories.

In all of the vehicles I've driven, I've always kept a cross hanging from the rear view mirror. They've never been expensive crosses, just ones that caught my eye for whatever reason.

The cross I have now is the cross that was hanging from the rear-view when I rolled the truck. I remember watching the tow truck flop it back over onto the street and Kevin walking by me. He gestured to the road and said "You might want to pick that up." It was laying at my feet.

And there it hangs to this day, helping keep me safe.

Today's Drive Home

The Plot Thickens

Remember in August when I was pulled over by someone who had no right to pull me over?


On Friday as I was getting a fix at the mocha stand, who would be in front of me but the jerk that pulled me over. I wrote down his license plate and seethed as I sat behind him. I wanted so badly to go kick the truck and yell at him.

The girls at the mocha stand were helpful. Caitlyn is a tiny little thing with tons of attitude. She is an Army wife whose husband has had two tours to Iraq and one tour to Afghanistan. She asked me why I even stopped in the first place. She is right, I shouldn’t have stopped. Even the sheriff’s deputy said that. They said they have seen the guy occasionally so I am guessing he lives somewhere in the neighborhood.

I called the Sheriff's department as soon as I got to work. Of course, the deputy that I originally spoke with wasn't there. I left a voicemail.

Because this time I got a good look at the truck, it appeared it was in the fire-protection area. There were fire extinguishers, decals, etc. This is great to know!! I called my friend the Fire Marshall and he's checking on his guys.

The deputy called back this morning to let me know the license plate was traced to the Public Works office. So, quick like a bunny, I called the Public Works office. I think I've spoken to or left a message for everyone in that building.

I so want the guys head on a platter, with garnish and balloons. Now that Kevin knows who it is, he is pissed all over again as well.

Stay tuned....hopefully I have some answers by the end of the day.

Do It Yourself

Today's adventure, boys & girls, was to take Missy Jo to the do-it-yourself dog wash!!!

A few things to know:

a) She HATES Baths...you can't even say the word. She'd rather go to the vet, seriously.
b) While the "Common Folk Bathroom" is a spare bathroom and works for a bathtub for Missy, it still sucks.

I must say, no: GLORIFY do-it-yourself dog washes. They are a GIFT!!! Everything is provided, every thing is doggy friendly, they have other friends(dogs & humans) there that are miserable too. It's wonderful.

And it was $19!!!! Earlier today, we stopped by a place and it was $50, it sounded more like a Spa Day and she was closing early because she was going to prom. Um, great. No thanks.
It was the best $19 we've ever spent!

Without further ado...I've never seen a dog look so pathetic and abused. It's a friggin bath for dog's sake....

Pissing in my Cheerios

I went to lunch with my BFF D Friday. We discussed my dilemma with my co-worker and how I was feeling thwarted at every level. In her D like way, she said (I'm para-phrasing)
"You know what? She's pissing in your cheerios."

In D language that means she's bullying me. She's trying to control me.
It was as if D had turned on a lamp in my head. It all made sense. I went back to work and mentioned it to another co-worker who has known her longer than J or me. She confirmed the Pissing in My Cheerios diagnosis.

((another example I can give you of things said:
I wear Kevin's watch. It's soothing to me and I can see the dial easier than my own watches. She commented that I was wearing it. Then she followed up with "Well, I guess you do have large wrists."
I AM FIVE FOOT THREE.
The dial completely covers my wrist .

AND...while I'm on a rant...
I returned, triumphant from my lunch with D, and the coworker had kind of done one of my tasks: sorting the mail. Not brain surgery. But she didn't finish it. And she commented on it: "I did this but I didn't finish. I didn't know if/when you were coming back."
I said "Before I left I said I would be back in an hour. It's been an hour and a half." She muttered something non-committal and walked away. She just had to make the point that I was gone and had returned late.))

Now, just for the sake of clarification, I have one boss: the ED (exec. director) It's a five person staff and while all of us are dependent upon each other, we're independent in our duties. So, I can literally say "You're not the boss of me."

Here's what D and I came up with:
She may feel insecure because I'm capable. The people that came before me were not good at the job. How this is possible, I can't even guess but there it is. So, if a person plays it out to the logical conclusion: she was able to control, manipulate and supervise these less skilled people.

And now there's me. Over-qualified, opinionated, blunt. I get along with my coworkers and most of the clients. While I'm not perfect, I'm okay. And I don't care. I don't care if people like me, I don't care if I get into trouble, I just don't care. Maybe it's the past four years, maybe it's the big upcoming birthday, I don't know. I just don't care.

So now what? After discussion and consideration over Chinese food, D came to the conclusion that I am going to have to bloody her nose. Not literally but figuratively. It's going to take a stand and a stand in front of others to get her to stop. As we have regular staff meetings, I think this can be resolved in a reasonable manner. I think it may take multiple attempts.

As we all know, from ABC After-School Specials, the Brady Bunch and Our Gang, etc. bullies don't like being stood up to. That's what I have to do.

Now that I know what the problem is, I'm golden. I can move forward. I feel So. Much. Better.

Don't you just love that about BFF's? The clarification they can provide. It's invaluable, really.

*MUAH* to my BFF D for helping me see it and helping me through it.

Stay tuned.

There Are No Words...Part Four

It's a blazer. It appears to be reaching for you because I am holding the sleeve. If I don't hold out the sleeve, it looks suspiciously like a biology experiment gone awry. Actually, it looks like that anyway. While not made of burlap, it does feel like canvas. Comfy!

Dear Abby...

I always place my keys on the toolbox of my truck when I am unloading a shopping cart or doing something that requires me to put my keys down. Being wired the way I am, this has kept me from locking my keys in the truck numerous times.

I gave someone a ride one day and I unlocked the passenger door to move my carryall bag that I lug around. The person watched me do so and said, “You put your keys there? Now that’s someone who doesn’t trust themselves.”

I was momentarily stunned. “No” I replied slowly “It’s someone who doesn’t like locking her keys in her vehicle.”

Another example was during a group discussion. One of the women asked me in what religion I was raised. I told her that I wasn’t. Religion or God stuff wasn’t really allowed by my dad. However, as I was older I went to churches that were First Christian Reformed in basis.

The keys person exclaims, “Oh, they’re the WORST.”

There was a moment of silence and I just cut my eyes to her and then looked away without a response.

Really? The worst? I can think of at least three religions that are the WORST.

((AND…just to soothe my own worries, I double-checked. While it is a CHURCH, the beliefs are exactly how I remember them. I can sum them up as “Everyone is a child of God and deserves a chance and not be judged.” As far as faiths go, they are kind of relaxed and groovy actually))

I can’t quite figure it out. Is she trying to be funny? Then she should really just stop.

Is she trying to be helpful? Way not, no.

This is a person who I have found constantly needs to assert her knowledge into things. Not in a busybody know-it-all kind of way though. It is more subtle than that. And it’s cumulative.

For example, someone asked me a question that I needed to ask her advice regarding the answer. By the time finished with a complete review of the reasons, whys & how’s, the person had hung up.

Another example: I was helping another person set up for a meeting. We had just begun and were discussing how it should go together as we worked. She interjects, explaining to us all the parts that we had already begun or had planned to do. My friend was direct and said, “We got it. We know.” I was a little jealous that she could be so direct. Usually, I am known for directness/bluntness but I do not know what happens around this person.

Sadly, I just ended up walking away. I lived by the adage of “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.” My head was going to explode if I didn’t say something so I walked away. (Sorry, J!)

Also, I should have channeled Kevin. He has a way of saying “You know, this isn’t my first big job”. I’ll have to remember that for later.

I once described my feelings about her: “I already have a mother.”

(And if anyone thinks I am direct, they should meet my mother. My mother makes direct blush.) It feels like constant mothering and that everything needs to be a teachable moment.

The kicker is that this person is in a profession where she should know better. But then, perhaps that’s why she does it: it is habit. Also she didn’t do it to me for a long time and now, seemingly all of a sudden, it’s happening.

I do not know what it is about her that short-circuits my brain. I have even focused on it. One of the philosophers said that if something bothers you about a person, reflect within because it is probably a trait you possess. Yikes. Hit me with a rock NOW if I do that.

I am trying to figure it out. Ignoring it seems to make it worse, acknowledging it only thwarts it for a while. I am considering a conversation with her but I have a feeling it will turn into a counseling session and I’ll need anger management classes afterward. I’ve silently screamed SHUT UP SHUT UP FOR THE LOVE OF GOD SHUT UP in my head but that hasn’t worked either. Hahaha. Go figure.

So, I am putting this out into the universe and patiently awaiting an answer...or medication. Whichever comes first.

Getting to Know You, Annoying Version

C had a bad day the other day...well, she was in San Diego so we'll forgive her for that one but she came up with a fun getting to know you email pass-along that isn't the mushy type! Kind of like D's and my little stress relief game. List things that Annoy you.

Well, it's been a week now and we're still playing. It's not as obnoxious as it sounds. Actually it's a little cathartic. I'm sure a therapist would say something along the lines of "If you acknowledge it, you can move forward" or some sort of whatever.


Play along with your friends! List things that annoy you, the range of items can be specific or broad.

A compiled list thus far:

Bicyclists who don't share the road

Jennifer Hudson

Loud talkers and loud talkers on cell phones

Gum chewers

Spitters

Baby talk

Ridiculous kid names...she mentioned the name Bamboo

Bad table manners...open mouth chewing, talking while chewing, coffee slurping, etc.

Door slammers

Poor drivers...

Verbal diarrhea...oversharers...

Wanderers/Meanderers/Blank Starers...usually encountered in the grocery store & malls

Attention Whores: inapproprately dressed girls and inappropriate boys.

Unattended children

Adult Whiners..."it's taking so long" "the other place was better..." etc.

Jingling of keys or change in pocket

There are no words...Part three...

This week's winner of the Ugly Donation game!! These are so ugly, they're almost cute....

Random Item of the Day

It was next to impossible to get a good picture of this so hopefully you get the general idea if you've never seen one before.

One of the important lessons Kevin & I have learned since the in-laws moved next door is to never, I repeat: Never mention that you like something, you want something, you need something or something is broken.
Because it will appear in the matter of days. They, of course, profess innocence mostly when this occurs so apparently the Malibu Barbie Dream House has special powers.

My m-i-l bought the above and Kevin mentioned that he liked it. So, of course he must have it. It is a fountain with candles that appear to be burning. It's kind of funky, kind of cheezy, but I like it.

She's a Home Shopping Network person so I am not sure if she ordered it or got it at Wally World. Who knows?

And it's sweet really. They're so grateful to be here and they're so giving. It's a good thing that Kevin and I are nice people. (:-D

NICE!

I work in an university town. With that, you sometimes see things that make you go not only "hmm" but "WTF"

As I am having a Monday, I had to go buy lunch today. (McDonalds...I'm twelve)

Across the street from the drive-through, there is a bus stop. There was a couple seated there and having a moment. They were kissing, he had his hand on her cheek. It was kind of sweet.

And then the kiss continued

And then he placed his hand, ever so gently, On Her Boob.

As soon as the thought of "Did I just see that?" began to process, a passing car honked their horn at them.

Then I noticed a trio of young girls walking along the sidewalk and I watched their expressions & comments. One of the girls caught my eye with an expression clearly saying "Like, OMG!"

I just smiled and shook my head.

Oh, to be young and in "love"

Vegas or Bust

One month from today we will be flying to Vegas. As we're on the countdown now, I'm getting increasingly nervous. This is my second time to Vegas and I'm excited about going but this is the first time that we're taking the racecar. Yikes. This time, it's a working vacation.

We're going down to race with the big boys, as I call them. It's like a minor league player getting called to the majors for a game. These guys are are the Pro's of this type of racing. We are going down with the very realistic expectation of getting our asses handed to us. We are going down for the once-in-a-lifetime experience of racing with guys we've only read about and can someday dream to be.

This is only possible because Kevin's parents are sponsoring getting the racecar down there. My f-i-l is towing the car down with my nephew riding along. Also a once in a lifetime opportunity for those two, I must say. We are flying down to meet them, again like the big boys do.

One of the reasons I'm anxious is that we're racing. There is going to be more pressure than when we ran for the championship here at home. There is nation-wide media coverage at the event. I am focusing on the fact that we'll also be racing with friends and trying to convince myself that "it's just another race."

Yeah, we'll see how that goes.

Now, as if that's not enough pressure, did you catch what I wrote earlier? We're traveling with the family. The brother & sister in law, the mother & father in law and the nephew. Yeah.

I will need two things by the end of this trip, if not both: Prozac or bail money. My friend D is on alert for both of these items.

Because this is a working vacation, we won't be able to see as much of Vegas as before. I'm a little disappointed about that. We'll be at the racetrack, at least, Friday through Sunday. That leaves Wednesday afternoon, possible Thursday and most of Monday to do the Vegas thing.

Some of you may remember the travel journal I posted last year and I indicated that I had a list of things we missed on the last trip. I still have that list and it's unfortunately grown in a years time. We'll just have to see.

I am trying not to obsess but so far, not so good. As we are not checking bags on the airplane, I have to have everything packed three days in advance. My f-i-l is leaving Monday morning. This means I have to double up on some things, some of which I know I'll forget and then remember the moment the truck tires hit I-5. That and the weather swings. I have to pack for 80 degrees and 40 degrees. Luckily, I am a habitual over-packer.

I recognize that the pressure is also on Kevin, he is after all the Driver. But I am going to be the cruise director, if you will. It's my responsibility that all the paperwork is finished, all the data logging gets done, figuring out the race schedule, herding everyone where they need to be. Oh for the love of God and all things Holy, I'm freaking myself out. *deep breath* This is a dream come true for Kevin, it's going to be great. It's going to be great....

I did come up with the idea of buying a Starbucks gift card before we go so that will be one less expense to deal with. Starbucks was my saving grace last year (as I don't drink) and I'm REALLY going to NEED it this year.

So, that's what I am currently obsessing over.

Now I have to go roll change for the trip...

Go Red Sox!

Must Cry TV

I forgot to list two shows that I usually watch when Kevin is not around. They're on Saturday nights on WE and it is most definitely Must Cry TV.

John Edwards Cross Country
Even if you don't believe in mediumship, this show tears your heart out. To watch & listen to the life stories is just incredible. You can't help but be moved. For me, it's interesting to hear how certain things can be interpreted as communication. Everyone has heard ghost stories but some of them actually seemed based in reality. Door slamming, breezes, lights turning on or off.
And i have to say, even if it's bullsh*t and he's a complete charlatan -although I don't think he is - he gives comfort to people and I think that's priceless.

The Locator
Like most shows that I have began to watch, I accidentally stumbled across this one. Troy Dunn reunites people with their lost families, birth parents, etc. Much like Cross Country, only everyone is alive. What amazes me is the power that genetics holds. Siblings that have never met who have the same habits and idiosyncrasies. It's nearly creepy.

So, if you need a good cry check these shows out. I think even the most hardened cynic would at least well up in tears even if they would never admit it.

Fall Morning Flowers

Now for your Viewing Pleasure

I've already broken my sworn oath not to watch any new television shows. I still am pissed at all television executives that cancel good shows - October Road, The Riches, Las Vegas- but allow Denise Richards to have one moment of television time. But I broke down the other night and tried a new show: The Mentalist.

I simply couldn't resist Simon Baker. It's just impossible. Dude, that smile. For the love of all things holy, that smile! *swoon*

The show you would Never Guess that I like watching is .... The Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders.

Yep, I admit it.

It's not sexist as it seems. I automatically assumed that it was going to be all hot bodies and money-shot poses. It's really not. Those girls work hard. Really hard. Harder than I would want to. They have to be somewhat smart, they don't accept tiny brained chickies. It's fascinating.

Oh, and I stumbled across the strangest show on Fine Living Network Wednesday night. It's called "Whatever, Martha" and it is Martha Stewart's daughter Alexis watching her mother's show and talking SMACK about her the whole time. It's like Mystery Science Theater with Mommy Issues.

Alexis has some serious rage issues toward Martha. Seriously. (but really, who doesn't?) It's a little uncomfortable watching but it's strangely mesmerizing as well.

My new favorite is Bonnie Hunt's new talk show. It's like sitting down to a visit with a friend. I love, love, love, love her. If you've never seen "Return to Me", I demand that you go TIVO it, Rent it, Netflix it, whatever. She wrote & directed it and it's just wow.
Anyway, I watch her in the morning before I go to work. Ellen too. It makes sending Kevin off to work at 6 am a little more reasonable.

And the other show that I NEVER thought I would enjoy is "Reba" on Lifetime. It's on when I get home and it's actually pretty darn funny. My m-i-l said that our uncle was once married to a woman just like Brock's new wife. To me, that makes it funnier as I have a frame of reference.

Otherwise, it's the standard fare: Thursday nights on NBC. Monday night sitcoms on CBS. (I'm a little attracted to Sheldon on The Big Bang Theory. Is that wrong?) Amazing Race, Desperate Housewives and Brothers & Sisters on Sundays. Dirty Sexy Money is campy fun.

I watch Grey's Anatomy online. It's kind of a nice way to watch it. You can rewind, pause and fast forward. It's like having TIVO at work. Whoops, did I say that out loud? Nah, it's all good. My coworkers know I've watched it at work. It's that or gnaw my hands off in boredom.

Just so I sound smarter than my above listed television choices...I watch Bill Maher faithfully, Larry King when he's got someone on I'm interested in, Jon Stewart & Steven Colbert. I've tried to watch Anderson Cooper but I get distracted much like with Simon Baker. So, my point being: I do watch grown-up television as well.

And if you're thinking where I get all this time. Know that I use the ADD to my advantage: I'm cooking dinner, doing laundry, looking at magazines, and this is also where I can use insomnia in my favor. I'm a multi-tasker.

Oh, and I haven't even mentioned Craig Fergusen....

Rude!

Because of the presidential debate last night, there was nothing exciting to watch on television. Reluctantly, I began to watch Oprah as I skimmed through catalogs.

Her topic was rudeness. She polled the audience on topics such as too many items in the grocery express lanes, taking someone’s parking space, being late, gossiping, etc.

There was nearly a scene from the movie “Little Black Book” at the beginning of the show. Oprah nearly had a “Kippy” moment when her staff did not provide her with a voting device. She was not happy. Oh my God, Oprah was not happy. I found this highly amusing because the movie subtly mocks Oprah and to have something like that play out in real life was just too much!!!

I felt like nothing at all was accomplished during the show other than Oprah being Mary Queen of Scots. It just seemed like it gave Oprah a venue to point out how rude *other* people are. She repeatedly told one audience member “That’s rude.” To the point that she asked if she had hurt her feelings and did she need a hug. W. T. F.

An audience member admitted to going into the express lane with too many groceries and justified it with “Well, I was in a hurry.” Oprah’s response? “That’s rude” I would have expected someone to mention that it is self-centered and disrespectful to others but nope. It is just rude.

Another audience member admitted to stealing a parking space. “I just pretend that I didn’t see them and if I don’t see them and it didn’t happen.” Again Oprah’s response? “That’s rude.”

Preschoolers can verbalize better than Oprah was speaking last night. Her guest was a strange little man that talked in psychobabble and was difficult to understand. Where was Dr Phil to say, “You are NOT the only person on this earth!”

My other favorite moment was when a guest asked Oprah if she had ever been a waitress. The look of horror that momentarily passed across her face was PRICELESS.

It reminded me of an Eddie Izzard bit about the Queen asking someone what they do for a living. The person replies "I'm a plumber." The Queen looks at him blankly and says "A plumber? What on EARTH is that?"

I guess the end result for me is that I am not a rude person. Oprah has deigned it so.

Novel Idea

It's Fall now so my mind is turning toward winter projects...snow day projects, if I'm lucky. As I am avoiding eye contact at all costs with my one messy closet, my eyes have focused on my bookshelf.

The bookshelf is one shelf from reaching our ceiling. I didn't want it originally but Kevin hated the colorful piles of books that sat under the window so I relented. Now it's nearly full and I'm going to have to do a book purge. Not my favorite task. But we've been in the Malibu Barbie Dream house for four years so it's time.

When we moved I packed the books haphazardly and mixed the books I hadn't read with the books I have. Now, we get to play the "Did I read this?" game and the "Did I like this?" game.

What really made me think seriously about this is that I somewhat guiltily clicked the "purchase" button on Amazon....well, four times. I bought four books by Paulina Simons....thank you Dynamita for the recommendation of Girl in Times Square, btw...and I'm going to need room for those.

Oh, and I might have brought a book home from work today...

It's a problem. I have issues.

I need to figure out how I am going to do this...I can take the discards to a bookseller but that's tedious and frankly, feels a little cheesy.

I have no patience for Craigslist or Ebay listings.

My work is swimming in books right now...hmm, what to do, what to do!?!

I have lots of Danielle Steel books. I think I buy them out of habit than anything else. She used to write these great historical and/or epic novels. Now she just cranks them out and they're not far from Harlequin romances. Those will be easy to purge but not easy to be rid of. Look at all the used book stores/sections: there's *always* Danielle Steel books.

My eldest niece reads a lot but I would have to be choosy lest my brother finds out I've given her books with "adult content" because you know kids these days, they're not exposed enough to that crap.

My youngest niece is a romantic but we fall into the adult content thing again. Sigh. Although I was reading Danielle Steel novels when I was a freshman in high school....hmm, must think on that.

Paperbooks are easily banished. *happily wiping of hands together*

I usually automatically keep books that were gifts, unless I really, really hated the book. So there's a handful that will be easily dealt with.

And then we come upon the category of "I meant to read this but do I *really* want to read it or do I just feel like I *should* read it." Ugh, that's going to be medium on the difficult scale.

Now I'm exhausted just thinking about it. I guess I'll wait until the four new books arrive...or the bookshelf teeters over...or I can't fit anymore onto the table next to my chair...or....

The Tale of Three Wives

As previously mentioned, Kevin was married before me. To quote him: "I married the same bitch twice!" Yeah, he got a bundle full of crazy when we first started dating and I got a bundle full of bitterness. Fun! A match made in heaven.

The first time he was married, he was 18 years old. My b-i-l says that he was simply head over heels, infatuated, obsessed about this girl. We will call her Carrie for the sake of keeping things simple. She was a year or two younger than he and came from a way broken home. She didn't live with her parents and she was in Job Corp, which in this area is essentially considered Juvie College.

They were married for about five years, I think, before they split the first time. She moved out of state and they were divorced for about one year.

And then, she came back.

And they got married again. The story goes that they both realized what a mistake they'd made as soon as the ceremony was over. Yikes! But this version of their marriage also lasted about five years all said and done.

I give him credit for really trying to make it work. It gives me comfort that he's a forgiving person and is willing to go the extra mile...and boy, did he ever for her. Because of this, I am his third wife and I feel blessed.

But, the best part of this whole history lesson actually is from MY ex-husband:

When Michael and I were first together, he told me the story of Kevin & Carrie's marriages and it went like this:

Kevin & Carrie were married young and for about five years. (correct)
Their relationship was great (wrong) until she was in a car accident. (the accident part is true)
Then her personality changed and she was never the same. They couldn't get along so they got divorced.

During their divorce/separation, Carrie was in another car accident and she reverted back to her previous personality and so they got remarried.

Now, I didn't remember this story for literally years after Kevin and I got together. I remember it like it was yesterday. We in his truck and I told him all of the above. His response?
"You. Are. Making. This. Up. He did not tell you that!?!?!" and he was LAUGHING.

I swear, even I could not make this up.

40!?!?!!

Kevin, God Bless Him, just discovered that I'm going to have a rather big birthday in a few months.

I am seven years younger than Kevin. I was only 21 when we met, 23 when we married. So, I will always be young to him.

And as I am his second wife (technically third...) and they were married young and only for ten years (in two sets of five...I really should tell that story!) My age hadn't occurred to him and this upcoming birthday simply surprised him.

Now, it's not bothering me beyond "Oh My God, that's a big number. Where did the time go?"
And C will have her big birthday before mine so that's okay. (:-D Sorry, C, kinda threw you under the bus there!

Anyway, Kevin was astounded as we sat eating dinner tonight. Finally, he sat back and smiled:

"You're the oldest wife I've ever had!"

Quote of the Day

Love is everything it’s cracked up to be. That’s why people are so cynical about it…It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don’t risk anything, you risk even more.

Erica Jong
How To Save Your Own Life

M-I-C-K-E-Y

This is a word of caution: be careful what you give as presents to parents. Because someday, you may be receiving those gifts back.

When we closed the Moody house so the in-laws could come live with us, we divided their belongings amongst ourselves. As they were downsizing from a three-bedroom home to a one-bedroom home, they had to be ruthless about what they kept.

The boys were pretty good about it. If it was a gift that had been given to the parents, it went back to the giver. Thus the Bergsma prints in the closet.

We inherited a Mickey Mouse Toaster. We had given it a few years ago as a Christmas gift. Kevin was actually excited to have it. While I like the old-fashioned image of it but it wasn't my favorite. This is one of those fun times in marriages where you hold your tongue and smile.

Kevin is an early-riser. As soon as his eyes open, his brain clicks on and it's full speed ahead for him for the rest of the day. I, however, am a night owl with a dash of insomnia. So, when I actually sleep, I sleep in. Kevin is wonderful about this and tiptoes through the house to let me sleep in on the weekends.

The first weekend that we had the toaster, he decided he was going to have toast with his breakfast. He puts the bread in and goes about the business of gathering the rest of what he needed for breakfast conveniently located on the other side of the kitchen.

Now what escaped his memory is that the toaster plays the "Mickey Mouse Club" theme when the toast pops up.

Imagine him, it's 6:30 in the morning, and all of a sudden the toaster begins whistling the "Mickey Mouse Club" theme. He said he dove for the toaster and tried to get it to shut up. To no avail. Once it starts, it doesn't stop until it's played the entire tune.

At this point, the dog is intensely interested in what's going on because a) there's food and b) Kevin is excited so she must be excited. Now Kevin is trying to shut up the toaster and the dog.

And of course, the toast wasn't done. So he had to put it in again. Being the Mad Genius he is, his plan was to just unplug the toaster before the song played. This didn't work however because the toast wouldn't pop up if unplugged. The next step was to manually pop the toast up. Wrong! "M-I-C-K-E-Y M-O-U-S...."

Now the toaster isn't so great now, is it? To boot, it makes crap toast because it toasts a Mickey Mouse face on the bread.

And I slept through the whole thing. I'm a little bummed actually, I'm sure it was funny to watch.

Say Uncle

Kevin is one of the most determined people I have ever met. He accomplishes more in one day than I do in one week. He uses his ADHD for good instead of evil.

I printed out a quote for him and it's posted in his garage:

"Those who says it can't be done need to get out of the way of the people who are doing it."

This sums him up quite nicely.

A good example of Kevin is a story that one of his oldest & dearest friends told me a long time ago:

They've been friends since they were grade-schoolers. Kevin was small for his age (you wouldn't know it now!) They were typical boys: rough & tumble, traveled in packs and full of mischief.

He told me that he stopped playing "Uncle" with Kevin because he simply wouldn't ever give.
"I could sit on him all day and he'd never say uncle. Used to piss me off."

And this is the guy I'm married to today. You want something done? Ask Kevin and get out of his way.

Never. Say. Uncle.

Merde

Is it bad that one of the only words I remember from high school French class is a curse word? Or is that just an insight to my personality? Hmmm.

My co-worker has a working knowledge of French and she's been peppering me with phrases and words this week. It's kind of fun and kind of aggravating. I am surprised at what I do remember, especially since I hated that class and really didn't like the instructor.

Je ne comprehend. *shoulder shrug*

How it all Began

The other day, it came up in conversation how Kevin & I met. We met in two different instances actually. When we met and when we began dating are two separate occurrences:

Michael - the ex-husband - was friends with one of Kevin's friends so Kevin was always on the outskirts, mentioned in conversations, waved at on the road, etc.

On Labor Day...1989...a big group of us went camping way up in the Mt Baker Forest. You could only get there by four-wheel drive. There was about six couples and it was an annual thing. To be honest, I'm not sure how in the hell we were invited. I am suspicious that Michael invited himself.

On one of the nights, Kevin spent part of the evening throwing m-n-m's at me. Actually, they weren't thrown directly at me, they were more intended passive-agressively-antagonisticly for Mike. I was just collateral damage. Mike was not a popular guy with this group, or with me at this point. So, I didn't mind being pelted with the occasional m-n-m. Again, I'm not sure how we were invited, I barely knew anyone there.

I found out much later that not only was this camping trip a last ditch effort at reconcilliation for Mike & I, it was for Kevin and his ex-wife as well. (that's a whole other story...he married, to quote him, "The same bitch twice". But that's for another day)

Fast forward a year: October 1990. I am newly separated - nearly divorced, seeing someone else. (also: a whole 'nother story) when I was set up on a kindof-sortof blind date by my friend Brad...not a pseudonym, I'm still laughingly irritated with him for this so I am using his Real Name.

The blind dates name I have erased from my memory but he was a pain-in-the-ass. I think Brad set me up just so the guy would be out of his hair.

While I am waiting for Brad to meet me in the bar where everyone hung out back-in-the-day and rescue/relieve me of this tremendous bore, Kevin & his brother walk in. Kevin said hello as he walked past but there wasn't really any spark there. We had seen each other off and on in social settings but really hadn't spoken. ( I should mention that Kevin is 7 years older than me, and I was only 21 at the time. He seemed so Grown-Up to me)

I waited fifteen more minutes and to my despair, Brad has still not shown up. Desperate, I excused myself from the Tremendous Bore and essentially invited myself to sit down at Kevin & James' table. I explained what Brad had done and although they laughed, they agreed that I could hang out with them until/if Brad ever appeared. An hour ticks by. The bore has moved on and was now flirting up whomever came into his range of sight and still no Brad.

Then, because I wasn't uncomfortable and embarrassed enough, in walked Michael. Nice. Perfect.

This is about oh, two weeks before my divorce was official. At this point, I had a restraining order against him (he stole my f*&%ing car!) and so I made motions to leave.

Nothing puts a guy into action like a girl in distress. Kevin and his brother immediately went into defense mode. I remember Kevin saying "You can stay, nothings going to happen." which was comforting. His brother, in the meanwhile, got a mischievous gleam in his eye that I've come to recognize and laughingly cringe when I see.

"No, really, you guys, I have to go." I kept saying.

What did they do? Order me another soda. "There's no need to go anywhere." Kevin says.

So, I sat for a few minutes, totally uncomfortable. To my shock and surprise, Kevin asked me to dance. (how junior high does That sound!?!) We went down onto the dance floor and danced. I didn't know whether to laugh or swoon. I did realize that Kevin made sure I was facing away from the bar while we danced.

As you can probably guess, Michael approached James with a snarky comment while we were dancing. And this is where I am eternally devoted to James: James asked him if there was a problem and if there was, he was sure that he could help Michael with it and didn't Michael think it was a good time to leave and to leave me the &*#$ alone? (James is married, btw and So. Not. My. Type)

We returned from the dance floor after the song ended and I looked for Michael. I just knew there was going to be repercussions for dancing with Kevin. James just smirked and ordered me a drink. "I don't think you need to worry about it."

I stayed a little while longer, not much and then insisted it was time for me to go. I did ask Kevin to walk me out to the car, just in case Michael was waiting or it was stolen (again). He very gallantly walked me out and made sure I was safe. He even offered to follow me home, saying "I'll just stay in the truck until you're inside." (I know, right?)

To his surprise, I told him that wasn't necessary as I was armed. Wait, what? Yeah, I had a snub-nosed 45 under my car seat. (this is what sort of total bastard Michael was...again, a whole other story)

Kevin actually looked a little nervous. I remember saying "Oh, I wouldn't *kill* him, I would just aim for a knee or something. Just drop him until the cops come."

Oh, to be 21 again.

Brave soul that he is, Kevin asked me out on a date for the next evening.

Stress Relief

I'm having a total crap day. Things just aren't going my way today. So, I whiningly emailed my BFF "D" .

I told her that I just had to go kick a puppy and I'd feel better. (joking!)


She answered with: "Squirt a Kitten with water" and the game began:


Me: "Strangle a baby bird"

D: "gold fish in the rug.....flop flop {gasp}"

Me: "Pluck the ears of bunnies"

D: "Pull the wings off butterflies"

Me: "Snick a baby duck"

D: "Take a cane from an elderly person"

Me: "Steal a baby's pacifier"

D: "Cancel a teen texting"

Me: "Cancel Hannah Montana"

D: "Sing to deaf people."

Me: "Pop a tire on the wheelchair"

D: "Kink an oxygen hose"

Me: "Pee in the pool"

D: "Put the empty milk carton back in the fridge"

Me: "Break all the cookies in the cookie jar."

D: "Crunch up the chips in the bag...nothing but crumbs!"

Me: "Melt all the ice cream"

D: "Replace the sugar with salt"

Me: "Give out asparagus on Halloween"

D: "Give coal at Christmas and call it "X-mas"

Me: "Shave the Easter Bunny and make his fur into a hat, during a press conference."

D: "Call Oprah Fat"

Like I've mentioned previously, I believe email is just our generations way of passing notes in class and thank God for it. And the only reason we've stopped is because the work day is over....

Not Happily Ever After

A follow up to this Fairy Tale post

Here am I in all my 19 years of wisdom...Twenty Years Ago...yikes.

It was a good day, despite the outcome.