A Series of Gears and Pulleys

We've talked about this before but it's come up again recently. My 50th Year seems to be the Year of Big Events and Big Conversations.

I don't pray much. This year, if anything, would be the year that I would do it though.

Mostly I say thank you for the big things.  I will sometimes ask for guidance, but it's more of a help me make good decisions request. It's more of a self-check than a prayer.  It's more of a putting it out there for the universe to decide.  It's a letting go of control; a I Don't Have Any Effing Control, Do What You're Gonna Do.

I don't bargain, I don't ask why. I don't ask for stuff.  I don't think that is what prayer is for.  It's more of a conversation, albeit a one-sided conversation.  I don't think it has to happen in any sort of a house, or on any sort of a schedule or day. For me, it has to be organic.

A friend who was once a pastor explained that it's the act, the pause to reflect that is important. Not the place, not the time or the method. It's the intent and the act.

To sound all crystals and chanting, I tend to send out vibes to people instead of a prayer into the ether. Like on days when I know people are struggling, excited, or perhaps just need that little extra bit of power.

Send strength or healing or whatever is needed to the person or into the universe. Instead of ceding that power to Someone/Something Else.  Cut out the middle-man, if you will.  (woo boy, that's some blasphemy right there. Step to the side to avoid the incoming lightning)

It's kind of silly, that kind of act, you might think. They have no idea that it is happening.  But what if they did? What if it does have an effect? What if, for one moment, they do feel peace? What if there is that sudden Twenty Seconds of Insane Courage? (one of my all-time favorite movie scenes) It cost nothing for me to do it.  Maybe it does help.  The maybe seems worth it to me.

Meanwhile, I am not immune to doubt, fear, or frustration. I do wonder why certain things have happened.  What lesson was to be had.  Or the want to know if it is just an opportunity for grace or redemption?  Or a test, an opportunity to learn? Or is it a step to something else?

I hate the word "journey" in this context. (Maybe it's too much watching of the bachelorette.)

But I do kind of look at life from a perspective of We have a job to do, an objective to achieve, which sounds kind of badass really.  Like something occurs, a reconciliation, a child being born, a milestone passes, a goal achieved.  Then that soul is released because everything is aligned as it should be.

When people pass, you often hear "Their work here was done."  I usually will think something along those lines.  As a child - well, as an adult too - I was a very imaginative processer/thinker.  I would visualize this process like a series of gears and pulleys. A complicated Rube Goldberg Machine.  Their job was done and now they're off to the next thing.

I tend not to think of it as God's Will.  I want to swing when I hear folks say things like God needed them home or it was God's will. It's a cop-out, it's a metaphorical shrug.  Just admit that we don't know and that we have no control.

This work-here-is-done theory is difficult to apply that when a child or a young person dies or someone we love gets a diagnosis. When I've experienced that, trust me, I've been angry at God and the Universe. Like stood in the driveway, looked up and yelled "SERIOUSLY!?!" angry. Their work can't possibly be done. But we're back to the We Don't Get to Know and We Have No control.

But we can still be pissed. Any sort of belief system that doesn't allow for anger or frustration is certainly not for me.

And if I've learned anything in these complicated fifty years, it's that "This too shall pass".  It's that sometimes we get to see the big picture, get the reconciliation, achieve the goal, complete the circle.

And that is so worth the "SERIOUSLY!" times.  It eclipses those, renders them small.  The machine completes it's task and we get to move on, in whatever way that manifests. Here or elsewhere.