That's Not A Hamburger

When people hear that my in-laws basically live with us, invariably said people will sigh or awww and say how nice that is.

Sometimes it is. Sometimes when you don't have soup and they have it, it's nice.  When they watch the dog during the work day, then it is nice.  Us being able to keep an eye on them just by being around our own house is nice.

Every once in a while though, something happens that makes me laugh.  Like the getting food poisoning from the salmon dinner she made.  I mean, it wasn't funny-funny, but I really: it was my mistake eating it.

So I just returned from the mailbox and on the way back I noticed the f-i-l out on the deck, I waved and moved on with my life.  Then I'm working in the garden and my phone rings.  It's my mother-in-law.

I think I've mentioned this before but I am totally saying it again: She always, always asks if I'm sleeping when she phones.  Sigh.  And she giggles like it's the first time she has told the joke and not the eleventy-thousandth.

She wanted to know and I quote: "Do you guys want hamburgers for dinner? We have extra."  WAIT FOR IT...."But we don't have any fixings, no buns or anything so it's just the hamburger."

I wish I had video of myself when I get calls like this.  Just imagine me throwing my hands in a SERIOUSLY sort of way, a possible eye-roll, and in this situation: biting back laughter.

Falling back on my built-in excuse, I tell her that I would have to ask Kevin first.  This is 100% not true but I usually do ask him first.  And when it's a GEM like this? I'm totally calling him.  And the rule is that when she cooks, we say yes.

I hang up and phone Kevin.  Of course, he doesn't answer so I have to wait impatiently.  Finally he phones and is a little WHAT because he's had a long day and I don't usually phone unless something is wrong.

"Well, your mom wants us to have hamburgers for dinner but she doesn't have any of the fixings for hamburgers."

Silence.

"So...do you have the fixings? What does she need, exactly?"  he finally asks.

"No, bud, she wants know if we WANT hamburgers for dinner even though she doesn't have fixings for hamburgers."

Silence

"But...that's not hamburgers..." he musters.  I can envision him rubbing his jaw, a tell that he has when he's trying to figure something out and/or knows someone is full of it.

"I KNOW" I laugh

"But...what do you have?  Like, what could you make with it?"

"I have instant mashed potatoes and vegetables. No gravy though."

"You don't need gravy, you put BUTTER. Lots of BUTTER on the potatoes."

"I meant that there wouldn't be gravy for the not-hamburger, like a salisbury steak."

"You put ketchup on hamburger patties. As God intended."

"So, yes, for hamburgers for dinner?"

Sigh from Kevin "Yes, that's fine."

Then I phone my m-i-l back, because this Whole Thing has not been enough yet.  I tell her that Kevin said yes, but that he won't be home for another hour at least.  When she phoned, it was four o'clock and no one but eighty-year-olds eat dinner that early.

"Oh, well, that's too late for us."

"Yes, I know."

"Well, we can wrap it in foil and bring it over. Then you can just keep it warm until he gets home."

Hello, food poisoning, my old friend.  "Sure" I reply while trying to think what I was originally going to make for dinner.

Now I'm waiting for Kevin to come home. He just phoned and seems to have forgotten about the "dinner" plans we have.  It's been thirty-five minutes since she phoned and they haven't called to say it's ready or brought it over yet.

I wish we lived where there was pizza delivery...But then they would see the delivery car and that's a whole other bucket of worms.