Whack-a-Mole: Parental Version

So, yeah.  It's been A Thing here in the family for the past two weeks.  Thus the I NEED HAPPY post the other day.

Let's recap with my mother-in-law firstly:

When Kevin and I were first dating one hundred years ago, she received a diagnosis of Peripheral Arterial Disease, which means essentially that her vascular system is clogged/clogging.  At the time, they gave her not a long life expectancy because of the advanced stage. (and it was the early 1990's) She's had a bunch of surgeries and medicines but there's just not much to be done now.  Gravity and saturation is the only thing that is getting blood flow to her legs and feet. 

Because of this and genetics, she has vascular dementia.

And she's had a stroke and a handful of TIA's.

Then there's the COPD. 

Now add the dysphagia, which has caused her to no longer be able to adequately/safely drink water.  She can get some food down but not really.

THEN there was the heart attack scare.  We've known for years that she has had heart issues. She has had arrythmia and has had to be shocked, etc.  Months ago she had an episode and the cardiologist called the family to gather because it was probably The Big One.

Yeah, no.  They did a test...the word escapes me now...and they discovered that her heart was perfect.  They actually used the word "pristine".  Good news?  Well, kind of.  We were told that if anything would take her out, it would most likely be a heart attack which would be the kindest way to go. And now that's, like, off the table? 

But she does have Broken Heart Syndrome, which is a real thing.  Because: of course.

To sound cold-hearted, (excuse the unintended pun)  we have been prepared for her to pass over the last few decades. LITERALLY decades.  Every six months it's a different diagnosis, a different health scare, hospitalizations, etc.  It has become relentless.  I timed it this year: every 4-6 weeks she is in the hospital.  We don't even tell people anymore and sometimes we don't even visit.  It's been A LOT.

And still she rallies. 

NOW, she has a GI tube for feeding because she is consistently dehydrated and malnourished due to all.the.things.

She is not rallying.

What's frustrating on a long list of frustrating items, is that the parents are CONVINCED that the GI tube was 1) temporary and b) a FIX.  It is neither.  It is a means to an end.

Kevin wanted to talk with them about that and I was on Team Let Them Have The Delusion.  I mean, really, at this point, what good can come of trying to get them to understand? 

Now wait, there's more. Remember that his dad had a stroke about a year ago.   He went from a robust, never-would-guess-was-80 years old, man to a shuffling old man in a matter of months. His speech can be garbled, his demeanor has changed and not for the better.  He has had mini-strokes since then with lapses in memory, judgement, and cognitive skills.

Yeah.

We've talked frequently about how they won't accept help and get pissy about it.   They told the Niece that they didn't need her to come help.  The GI doctor sent a nurse to train them how to do the tube feedings and they didn't want our help.

But Kevin and I were there during the training anyway.  I took notes then typed out super simple and clear instructions so there was zero margin for error.  It felt like it went smoothly.  Ha! Rookie move on my part.

He SKIPPED feedings.  He skipped lunch twice because it was INCONVENIENT. They were in town and couldn't fit it in the schedule.  (which also means he didn't eat, we're assuming)

Oh for f*#$ sake.

Then he lost his sh*t on both sons when they said that he absolutely could NOT do that. 

So, this is going well.

Kevin phoned the doctor for clarification, who was rightfully horrified, and the doctor said "Yes, they really need someone to attend the appointments with them."

Warning shot across the bow.  That's our heads up that they really no longer got this.

Now we have to figure out, with Great Resistance, who is going to attend these appointments.  And there are approximately one million of them.  There are four of us adult children so that should be doable. Oh wait, the "other two" have to WORK and can't POSSIBLY. *kicking bunnies*

This is why families fall apart.  This shit is difficult at best and brings out the worst and best in people.  Kevin is exhausted all the time because he's spinning all the plates. I honestly do know what the actual eff his brother is doing.  I can only do so much to help before I'm spun out and frustrated.  All in all though, it is really solely up to them in the end. (another unfortunate pun)

It's Whack-a-Mole.  If it's not one disease with her, it's another. If it's not her, it's him.  If it's not a crisis, then it's something else.  Their water heater, facebook is broken (I will tell that story soon), the van overheated, the house is a mess.

Raising parents, man.  Take note.