14 January 2010

Breaking Up is Hard to Do

There's a new book out called "Dump 'Em" and it's about how to break up with friends, hairdressers, and other "non-romantic" relationships. The author makes the point that there is tons of advice about ending romantic relationships but none about ending other relationships.

The main basis seems "Be honest." While that's lovely in theory, in practice it's not always possible. As much as friends say "You can be honest with me..." it's not really true. We say it but when it comes to criticism, we usually don't want to hear it or in some cases, simply can't hear it.

To clarify, the author explains that the breaking up has to be approached without an agenda, be specific, and say it calmly. Well, that just seems to be unlikely.

I've had friendships end in my life. Some of you know that I ended a friendship a few years ago that was pretty harsh. Unfortunately, it was the only way possible. With time, I see now that there was no other way.

Mostly I just let relationships fade away. I've found that time and distance will usually take care of it. I see no benefit or purpose in having a discussion that will most likely end in snot & tears when the simple passing of time will take care of it.

How do you deal with ending friendships?

4 comments:

Daydream Believer said...

My best friend of 20 years dumped me this summer. She informed me that she did not want to be a bridesmaid in my wedding, nor did she want to attend my wedding, and, oh yeah, we weren't going to be friends anymore. Honestly, it was a good thing. We are very different people, much different than we were when we were 8, and I think we had both been holding on just for the sake of holding on. I think I handled it pretty well, although I do find myself reminiscing about certain memories I have with her. I guess that's normal, though. I'd be interested to read this book.

Swistle said...

I had one friendship where I sat down with her and told her this was like a break-up. But I did that only because she didn't understand when I did it the "drift apart, get some space" way, and kept throwing fits about what a bad friend I was being, and was in fact ACTING as if it was a romantic relationship, so I spelled it out instead. I WAS calm, but that's because I didn't care much at that point. She was not at all calm, and I don't think she would necessarily agree that honesty was the best way. And what it did was prevent our relationship from drifting into a nice casual light friendship: it had to be OVER.

With a hairdresser, I agree that the "honesty" technique is no good. I would just not come back anymore. Making an official break-up out of it would make it a MUCH bigger deal than it was.

Surely said...

@Jamie...the author was Sarah Silverman's sister: Joydene Speyer. I added the link on the post.
And Ow, HARSH. But for the best,yes.

@Swistle...I'm picturing your rending your clothing in demonstration that it's over. (:-D
I can see where that would need to happen too.

With "service professionals" I would just be all "peace out". I don't think it's necessary to explain why.

creative kerfuffle said...

i have just "drifted" away from a few friends. i've had falling outs w/ two close friends in the last 15 yrs and we just sort of drifted away afterwards. it was easier w/ one of them because we live in different states. the other one i still see and we're friends, but not close like we were. w/ service people i just quit using them, nuff said.