A Different Kind of Toolbox

*I found this post on the dinosaur laptop. I would have bet money I posted it but I don't see it.  So, if this sounds familiar: Hi, welcome to my brain.*

I went to a trauma stewardship conference for work and I found her to be one of the more worthwhile speakers I’ve heard in my lifetime.  Her name is Laura van Dernoot Lipsky, founder and director of The Trauma Stewardship Institute and her book is Trauma Stewardship.

She speaks to folks who work as first responders or in social services, or to those who have experienced severe trauma (like hurricane survivors, for example.) And/or recently: all of the above.

I think some people were looking for a specific toolbox, if you will, as how to handle traumatic experiences and secondary trauma. Like: if this bad thing happens, do this. During this speech, that isn’t what she provided. She is very real and pragmatic and I related to her very much. (she curses! and some folks clutched their pearls. I was, obviously, fine)

What she did provide is a “Hey, we all have experienced some bad shit” acknowledgement. Which in itself was a little soothing. You're in a giant room with folks who all work in social services, first responders, etc. You're all in the same boat.

She went on to define trauma as a spectrum: it can be a hurricane, or a shooting, or domestic violence, or the death of a loved one, or even just the current state of the world.  Trauma can also be an accident or the death of a loved one, or simply the loss of a favorite item. 

She mentioned that experiencing a traumatic event or secondary trauma is very personal and like grief cannot be judged or measured by any other human.  What’s traumatic to you is maybe not to me or vice versa.

So, for example,  if you’re feeling stupid because you’re still upset over a car accident even though you’re fine, that’s still a traumatic experience.  If you lost a job, that is a traumatic experience.  It doesn’t have to be something as huge as watching your house blow away like the Wizard of Oz.  It could be as simple as you left your favorite book on the bus.

It made me realize that there have been traumas in life and that I didn’t really label as such.  It just happened.  It was just life, I shrug. But no, those are traumas.  Just not physical ones or  the big obvious ones. 

Having had the childhood I had, I realize that my definition of trauma is vastly different than others and very probably skewed.  And the fact of the childhood I had affects the very definition of instances/traumas I’ve had since.  It’s kind of a mind-eff for me. 

What now, though?  A toolbox she did offer are simple suggestions, such as going outside.  Go outside and just stand for a few minutes.  Go look out the window if you can’t go out.  Go stand in a dark closet and just breathe. (or scream)  Find something to help you process.  Something that is not screen related, like television, cell phone, or video game.    Create something, even something simple like coloring or something big like painting or writing a novel.  The point was more about the task of creation than the thing.

  

The other tool she offered was to label it.  Acknowledge it.  Call it out of the darkness. 

We teach children every day to identify and regulate feelings.  Somewhere along the way, as we become adults, we lose that capability. Toddlers can cry and tell us they’re sad. Teenagers can stomp, slam the door and tell us they’re angry.  Maybe it’s just me but when’s the last time you caught yourself and said “Wow, that was really scary.”  “Omg, that makes me sad.” Or more importantly: “This makes me happy.”

The next suggestion was: Find what centers you and go do that.  Again, it doesn't have to be a big thing. You don't have to be suddenly running marathons.  It can be ten minutes coloring, working in a garden, sitting in the park watching people.  Anything that makes you take a moment to just be. to let your mind relax and process. And doing it on the regular. Not just once and go "Oh, that was good. I'm better."

Because processing is the part that gets stomped down into the deep dark place so often.  People feel silly because they're still thinking about it. People feel scared that the feelings won't go away.  Or people get stuck in a loop that they can't kick out of.  By doing something literally mindless, it lets the brain process and heal. It lets the body literally breathe.  

And this is where Surely tried mediation and loved it.  And started working outside more.  And writing more. And dealing with her shit.  Highly recommend finding what tool in your toolbox will help you. 

P.S.

One favorite part is that she mentioned Jenny Lawson by name and equally in the same sentence as David Sedaris.  She was referring to their openness about their own mental issues and the positive impact they have brought toward the stigma of trauma and mental health.