It's Just That Thing

One of the lovely residuals of breaking my foot off of my leg is not one I would have ever guessed. And, and, AND I recognize that people will say You've probably always had it and I don't disagree.

Anxiety.

Not the panic inducing kind but the freezing kind.  The short-circuited brain kind.

It happened during physical therapy and I said words that I very super rarely say: "I can't do it."

I loved this therapist.  She was amazing at her job.  "Yes, you can. You just don't think you can."  I said something in response, I don't recall what now. Most probably sarcastic.

I do remember what she said though:  "You know what that is called? It's called anxiety."

When I demurred and scoffed a tiny bit, she asked "What did you think it was?"

I shrug like a teen.

"It's anxiety.  Why in the world would you think you WOULDN'T have it after having such a traumatic event?"

Ummmm...because....well...

Because my life was full of traumatic events.  Because it was normal to me.  Because I was wired to react in a different way than perhaps "normal" folks.  Because don't be silly.  Anxiety.  Puh-leeze.

She just smiled and nodded her head.  "We'll see.  Pay attention." she says off-handedly.

It wasn't really mentioned again.  Except one time when I was having difficulty doing a task.  It was one of those using all the muscles, trying to wake nerve endings up, tasks.  I hesitated, which is not something I usually do and she knew it.  "Get out of your head. Just try."

I did and I couldn't do it.  BUT I couldn't not do it because my brain though. It was because that part just wasn't a thing that I will ever be capable of doing well anymore.  But it wasn't because my brain told me I couldn't.  It was separating those two things: I couldn't do it but there's a reason why.

So I've paid attention since then.  It's been six years (sweet tiny baby jesus) and I still can't do it well and never will be able to.  But it's not because my brain tells me.  It's because that part of my body is broken forever.

And during this last year or so, I've noticed when it's just my brain that's telling me.  I've tried to figure out the work-around and sometimes it's just stopping. It's just not going to happen. Trying it again another day.  Sometimes it's a series of breaths and refocusing.  Sometimes it's a little bit of cursing in my head. (and sometimes aloud)

And sometimes I just don't even realize it until much later.  I can be aware but not always.  Later I'll have a forehead smacking realization that it was just that thing.

That anxiety.